Sometimes, I really hate boys

[mattyparson]

I feel like writing this may be therapeutic for me, since there are a lot of things that just don't add up right now. Comment if you'd like. I'll try to make it brief.

My first boyfriend broke up with me last August. I was devastated, as most usually are with their first. He started dating someone else immediately. Friends told me the only way to move on would be to start dating. "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone." So I had about 10-15 dates over the course of the next few months. All were miserable. I gave it my best shot but they just weren't working.

Then...

I started talking to this guy online. He was very attractive, just 3 years younger than me, and as I would come to find out, our interests were nearly identical. We had so much in common, which was actually the opposite of my first boyfriend. He was a fan of things that I thought nobody else knew about. It was an instant "click."

We emailed back and forth for about a week, then came texting for another week before our first big meeting. We hung out and had dinner and drinks at a pub. There were no awkward pauses, no straining for conversation. Just a great night.

He drove me home and I was a little nervous about the end of the night. My first boyfriend and I moved very quickly and I think that was part of our downfall so I intentionally wanted to keep things slower. I shook his hand and said I had a nice time and I would talk to him later. He said the same.

I feel like this is going to be a longer story than I want it to be so I'll just speed through the rest. Basically, we played "the game" back and forth, seeing each other 2-3 a week, spending time at each other's houses, growing closer. I made a joke one time about giving him a bruise and he said "I don't know if that's a good way for us to begin this thing" and smiled and I played coy and said "What thing?" He just smiled and said oh, I don't know. We spend the night at each other's houses many times, sometimes just cuddling, sometimes more. We introduced each other to our friends, he even asked me to have dinner with him mom twice, but I was working both times. We have a lot of mutual friends and I heard through the grapevine that he told his best friend that he really liked me. I even got him a small gift for V-Day but he didn't get me anything. He ended up calling my best friend and asking her if he had "really screwed this up."

Anyway, all the signs pointed to there being a good foundation there to move forward. Until the past week. Texts started being returned later and later, we only saw each other once (granted, we're both very busy people through work and other commitments) And finally I thought it was time for us to have "the talk" to see what was happening. We had a somewhat awkward night of dinner and tv and he left around 10. I really needed to know what was happening, so I texted him and asked if I could come over for a second.

We sat on his backporch and I just asked him if everything was ok. He said that he never expected or intended our relationship to be anything more than casual. I was ready to hear this so it didn't hit me too hard but the more I think about it, the more it just really makes me angry. The bottom line is he lead me on and I got played. He said basically that he liked sex a lot and that he wasn't "a good boy" which I took to mean that there was probably some cheating in his past. For the rest of the night, all I could think of was all the signs that were there leading me to think that he was interested in a relationship of some kind. He was telling people that he really liked me, he called my best friend scared that he had screwed things up, he texted and called all the time just to talk.

Anyway, the last thing he said to me was that he would call me. That was 5 days ago. First and foremost, I'm disappointed because I thought it could have been a really great thing for us both. Secondly, I'm angry. Angry that he apparently felt this way the whole time and never thought to bring it up, and instead actively pursued me and acted like he was interested in some kind of relationship.

I just don't know what to believe at this point. One friend said it sounds like there might be someone else, which is possible. Or maybe he just wants to have casual sex with lots of people.

The only thing I'm sure of is that I hate boys.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just about everyone- gay or straight has this experience. It's because there are a lot of little boys who gets scared when it's time to play with the grown-ups.

If the story is as you relate it from your side of things, you found someone you liked, someone that liked you but when it came time to make a commitment, he freaked out.

There's a lot of reasons that you'll hear for this behavior:

"I'm coming out of a bad relationship and I don't want to get serious so soon"

"I'm afraid of getting hurt"

"It's not you, it's me"

"I have feelings for you that just are too much for me to handle right now"

"I have a lot of stress with work/family/school and I can't handle a relationship right now"

"I'm not the relationship kind"

You can be bitter and hate boys if that makes you feel better.

Or you can accept that there are assoles in the world, move on and stay with the grownups who are honest and treat people in the way that they want to be treated.

There are other grownups in the world. You just have to keep looking until you find the right one.

 

[mattyparson]

I think that for him, it's the last reason even though we've talked about our exes so I know he's been in relationships. I have a feeling he probably wasn't faithful from what we talked about the other night and he's accepted that he's not the relationship kind, in which case I'm glad he knows that enough not to start something with me and then cheat. I'm not upset at him for telling me all this, just disappointed. However, I am angry that he didn't tell me sooner, especially when he knew how I felt about a month into it. And who knows, maybe he did want something and just got scared that he wouldn't be able to sleep around anymore, which seems to be a priority for him. I'm not sure I would want to date someone who would choose random sex over a meaningful relationship with a great guy anyway. For now I'll just have to learn patience, I guess.

 

[Atzesp]

However, I am angry that he didn't tell me sooner, especially when he knew how I felt about a month into it.

I was going to comment on this, but you have already said what I was going to:

For now I'll just have to learn patience, I guess.

A month may be a long time, but as far as relationships are concerned, I think it's a very short time. You were still getting to know each other, trying to connect, seeing how things could work between both of you. Alright, you both met each others' friends, met the families, and so on - but that doesn't mean anything at all. It's not because the guy introduced you to some people that you should face it as an eternal love promise.

I dare to say that you put too much expectations on the whole thing. But, let's face it this way, it was only a month! What about if he had told you that he didn't want anything serious after six months? Wouldn't it be worse?

So, now, time to move on. Try not to beat so hard on him and neither on yourself. Take it like a trying moment which, unfortunately, didn't work out. Some others will come.

 

[mattyparson]

Thanks for the reply. I'm not broken-hearted and woe is me over the situation. But you could be right. I think I may have put too much expectations on it, but only because of how great it was going. It was only two months and my feelings weren't very strong yet but I still think he had every opportunity to tell me that he didn't see it as anything more than casual, especially after he knew how I felt about it.

 

[texan_slant]

Here are the red flags to me -

1. For me, I wouldn't necessarily be dating coming out of a relationship; everyone's different, I know, but I really think that having your own space is good for awhile.

2. Nowhere in your post did you mention that you communicated with each other what your expectations were - as in:

casual,
in a relationship but moving slow,
friends first then see what happens,
etc.

Were there any expectations set?

3. Too much heresay in finding our from friends with regards to what the other did. Most of the time, communication through other people becomes miscommunication, is misconstrued, and taken out of context.

4. Perhaps you moved too slowly without telling the other how you felt.

 

[mattyparson]

It's true. We did not communicate our expectations with each other. I guess I'm just old fashioned/naive to think that when you progressively spend more and more time with a person and go on weekend trips and talk every day, things are heading in a certain direction that includes a relationship of some kind. Now I'm just confused about how to even bring it up next time. Do I ask on the first date if he's looking for something serious or just casual? And you're probably right, I think I did move too slowly in telling him how I felt, mainly because my last relationship went so quickly and I wanted to learn from that mistake, and also because it was pretty evident how I felt about him.

Lots of people say that after breaking up, they look back and see all the signs that they missed that things were heading for a break-up. For me it's the opposite, I see all the things that happened that made me think that there's no way he wouldn't want to be in a relationship by the things he's said to me and others and his actions.

I guess I'll just have to accept that he got scared and he's not mature enough to handle a relationship so he abandoned it.

And lastly, don't say you're going to call if you don't intend to. That's just mean.

 

[mattyparson]

Finally made a connection. He texted me a couple of nights ago, over a week since we talked. My workplace is very much in the public eye, locally, and he sent a simple text about my work. We went back and forth a few times; it was very civil. Everything was fine. I guess I should be kind of happy that he wants to reach out to me, but I'm not quite sure what he's wanting from this. And I'm not sure I'm ready or willing to give him what he wants. I would like to talk to him to get a lot of things off my chest. After that, maybe there's a chance we could be friendly. Or maybe we'll just part ways and move on. Time will tell.

 

[Atzesp]

I would like to talk to him to get a lot of things off my chest. After that, maybe there's a chance we could be friendly. Or maybe we'll just part ways and move on. Time will tell.

Yeah, man, let time do its part. At least for a while. You probably have lots of things, indeed, to talk to him - but isn't there a chance that this could put him away again? Go easy on the issue... Let him make his first moves. It will be a little bit hard for you to act like you were not interested, but if you manage to do so it will be better. You will be able to learn from him what he wants, what he expects. And then you will have topics enough to know what to discuss with him, and how. Then maybe you can be friends or part ways definitely.

Anyway, good luck to you!

 

[jackoroe]

I know this will sound a bit flippant, but date women for a while and you'll appreciate men that much more. Guys are not all that difficult to figure out. Women, good luck figuring what they want.

 

[Seasoned]

A lot of us live with an inner conflict. Calm and comfortable v stimulus and excitement. Often as two people are getting to know one another one begins to feel comfortable while the other gets frightened because he feels one way around the bf and another away from the bf. Sometimes having this conflict is enough for a person to end the relationship.

 

[Nomenclature]

I know this will sound a bit flippant, but date women for a while and you'll appreciate men that much more. Guys are not all that difficult to figure out. Women, good luck figuring what they want.

That's definitely true in same examples, and to an extent. . .but it's a fallacy to think that men are usually going to be "easier to deal with"; people in GENERAL are complicated. It isn't only about gender. Humans just suck most of the time.


Dating - whether you're straight, gay; man or woman - is exactly the same thing; You just weed through the garbage until you find the gem that someone else threw away. Why do you think Michael Buble wrote that song Haven't Met You Yet? Because it's so relatable; everyone becomes bitter, and hopelessly depressed over the dating process. You find a great person when you least expect it.