Spearsfan20 - Archived Blog Posts

[spearsfan20]

the only thing i have to say is this...this is my very first blog entry here on JUB. i make such a habit going on to myspace making up all of my blogs for all of my friends to see. but now i can share all of my personal situations that i can never discuss on myspace on JUB. the blogs that i post on this site would be a very great opportunity to see every person open up to any of my situations that i deal with on an everyday basis.

 

[spearsfan20]

there is this really adorable guy who i like on campus. his name is joel. he is 19 and he is a Freshmen. he and i met up at a spring fling event that the university sponsored during the second week of april. i know i am not dumb, but this guy is sending me gay signals when he talks to me every time. my friend loves musicals, he is a devout fan of BRAVO, he is a very strong supporter for gay marriage, he is flamboyant, and hangs out with lots of girls. that is one of the reasons i like him so much. aside of the interests, one day he wanted me and my best friend to go to the park with him on a wednesday. i asked my best friend ashley if she wanted to go. she wanted me to tell him that she was not going to go because she needed to go home and do some homework. *LIE* she wanted to use that excuse as a coverup for the both of us to be together. i called him up on his cell to inform him that my friend was not going to come with us. he thought for a second and asked if i still wanted to hang out with him. i said of course. we spent 45 minutes in the park and then we drove around town in florence where we attended college. i had a great two hours hanging out with him. i wished that the two of us could had spent much time being together. it never happened.

i told ashley everything that happened between us that evening. she was really happy for me. ever since then, he and i have been talking to each other a lot. my friends and i believe that he is gay and is just in the closet about it. he and his ex broke up a year ago when she cheated on him. but they are still friends though. i talked to him again last wednesday before my final exam. i thought i would invite him to lunch since we would not had been able to see each other after wednesday. he had to move his stuff out of his apartment and travel back home to work and visit his uncle who needed heart surgery. i felt really bad for his uncle, but at the same time i kept my focus on him.

to conclude this, i think he has some idea that i do like him and want to be his boyfriend. he hasn't confronted me about his sexuality, but hopefully that will change within time.

 

[spearsfan20]

my mom, brother, and i went to the mall last saturday. we all went to parkway place which is a very upscale mall in my city. i never shopped there in a while so i thought it was my chance to, at least, hit up on some guys. the mall is like "gay central". i went to the express men store that evening. i stayed in the store for nearly an hour trying to see what all new stuff the store was carrying for the summer. during my stay in the store, i was talking to two female employees who i thought were pretty awesome. when one of the girls left to help a customer in the women's department, my mom walked up behind me and said "jarvis, she's cute!" i said "okay mom." i had a whatever-type of attitude. my mom is in complete denial that i am gay. she looked into my notebook one day and found out some stuff i said pertaining to homosexuality. she confronted to me about it and i honestly told her that i had written all of that so she would know about me. it's a long story and so last year anyway.

while my mother strolled my brother along to shop in another store next to express, i knew it was the perfect opportunity to see if a guy was in the store. i walked around the men's department to look at some shirts. as i was looking around the room, i saw this really hot male employee standing behind the service counter. i kept getting his attention to come over so i could talk to him. he was facing another direction. 15 minutes later, my mom popped up behind me and asked if i was ready to leave the store. i said "no." she wanted to stay in the men's department to find a shirt for my brother to wear the next day for church. one of the employees who i was talking to earlier that night was helping the two of them find a great shirt to wear. i was glancing around the store to find some other clothes. before i could ever make a move, i heard a guy's voice behind me. i turned around and THERE HE WAS! he had blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, the most amazing smile, he was tall, had a very soft voice similar to mine, and was beautiful down to his feet. i couldn't even take my eyes off from him that whole time. i was ready to jump clean on top of this guy's bones! he asked me if i needed any assistance in the store. i said "i am just looking at some clothes for right now." he told me about the sales that was going on in the store. i kept looking at the shirts and looking back at him. my mom stood behind me all that time. i never wanted her to figure that i was trying my best to flirt with this guy. he walked off and i knew right then that my opportunity was crushed, literally.

as we were leaving the store, i passed by him again and he said "bye, come back sometime." i looked at him and gave him a wink and said "bye". i wanted to give him an idea that he would see me again pretty soon. i went back home that evening and cried. i knew it wasn't meant to be with my mom being in the store. this is not the end. we will see what happens in the future.

 

[spearsfan20]

in my very first blog, i talked about my friend joel from college. he was the sweet and flamboyant type who i thought was gay for months. well earlier this week i left a message for him on facebook. this is what i said in my message:

'06.13.06 1:41pm Jarvis: hey joel i just stopped by to admit to you about something. this has kept me bottled up inside since last month. but before you read anything i don't want you to feel freaked out about what i am going to say. you are a really great guy and i like you so much. you're quite funny, social, and love to have fun. you are one of the guys who i like to hang out with and talk to. that is why you are such a great friend. what i am trying to say is...i am attracted to you. i don't know what words to say because i am so nervous about this question...but are you attracted to guys? i just wanted to know something since this would be between you and me. i hope that you won't be mad at me for this. reply back whenever. later. bye-bye. jarvis.'

after i wrote this message to him, i didn't want to look at the message for a day or two. it was my very first time admitting to my friend that i had a crush on him. i thought the following day after the message that he would be angry with me. well i was wrong after all, but here is the message that he replied back:

'From: Joel Stokes
To: Jarvis Lampley
Subject: re: hey
Message: Java I could never be mad at you (or anyone else for that matter) for anything. As flattered as I am I am going to have to say I am straight. Thank you for the compliment though. Don't worry I will never tell anyone about this message. Once again thank you. Ta-ta for now ~Joel~'

this is the time that maybe i don't care if he is in the closet or just straight as they all come, i still love him no matter what. i had to cry earlier today because i thought maybe he would be my boyfriend. i guess that came to an end today. now it is time to move on with my life and forget everything in the past.