Special Comment: "It Really, Really Does Get Better."

[jdcnow]

Well, after the recent suicides of the young men who were gay, I feel it necessary to say a few words here. Hello to everyone who finds this article, where ever and whenever you may find it. I'm simul-posting this both on my LiveJournal page, and at the forum boards at the JustUsBoys.com Gay Community.

In my high school experience I was no different than you probably are. Teased endlessly and mercilessly, without cause or provokation. I remember the harrassment, the being set up to take a fall, being preyed upon daily by classmates who didn't care, while teachers who didn't care looked the other way.

I had always known that I liked guys. But I tried to keep my mouth shut about it, trying not to cause any more grief for myself.

As I became a young adult, there was always this feeling inside that I couldn't shake, that no one truly understood how I felt about anything, No one got me, no one knew me. I know what it is to be in a crowded room and feel like you don't belong there.

For years, I couldn't shake this feeling inside. In fact, said feeling got progressively worse. I began to question my very existance, and whether it was necessary for me to continue going on. One night, after a particularly hard evening at a previous job, I had decided that enough was enough. I sat in my office, in my room at home, and counted out 40 sleeping pills. Yes, 40 sleeping pills. I had never done anything like that before, and I'm certainly not proud of it. But those actions are a part of me, now, and always will be; and I've learned to be OK with that.

As I began to count them out, and take them, I still asked myself and searched within my mind for a reason not to go through with it. But I did, indeed go through with it. I went to sleep around 11:30 that night. Later that night, at 1:00am, I woke up gasping for air, barely breathing, barely conscious, and barely still alive.

If I hadn't fought, willfully fought to stay awake enough to call 911 that night, if I hadn't willfully fought the overwhelming urge to go back to sleep...If I hadn't willfully chosen to be a powerful fighter, I'd be a corpse, right now.

I did succumb to the effects of the sleeping pills, and did spend a day and a half in ICU before I woke up again. The doctors said that, with as many pills as I took, that I theoretically shouldn't have made it. I'm literally a walking miracle. Call it God, Fate, or whatever - I never claim to have the market cornered on the answer to that. I am just thankful to have recovered with no permenant damage or side effects.

And the scariest part of the whole deal, is that for that first half-day that I did wake up, I had a completely sharp mind that was locked into a body laying in a bed hooked up to IVs and monitors. I was shipped to a mental hospital in Dallas to recover before going home. It was wonderful. I made some friends who accepted me for me. I even got to help the nurses and attendants with a couple of fellow patients. For the first time in my life, I had accepted what had been true all along...that I was a benefit to someone, that I was helping to make somebody's world a little better.

I got into a good local therapist (Thanks JM!) who got through to me that I wasn't alone in the world, who made me see just how strong I was. After I had described to him the details of my life, he literally told me that a lesser person would have caved and cracked years before I did. He made me see how inherently strong, and powerful, and good I was. And that I had a lot to offer the world. And that I couldn't walk away from that. And that's my message to you, my friend.

Tyler Clementi loved music, though no one will ever hear him play another note. And the world will lose out on that. Raymond Chase was studying culinary arts. Who knows if he would have been the next Wolfgang Puck, the next Tyler Florence, the next Gordon Ramsey. The world will never ever get to taste one of his creations. And will be lesser for it. These smart young guys had a lot to offer the world, including the fact that they had value and worth as human beings. But because they couldn't see past the hurt and pain that was inflicted upon them through no fault of their own, sadly, they took their own lives.

I know this because I have been there. I have been through the needless pain and suffering, and I have been back from the brink. I know it hurts now. The bullying, the inhumane treatment, the threats. And that the people in your life you should be able to fall back on couldn't care less. But it gets so much better. I know that I have the dream to go to college and study weather forecasting. I know that I am a smart, thoughtful, and loving person. I know that I am a strong young man with a good heart.

And you are, too! You are an individual, with value and worth. If there is anyone thinking about ending their life, please don't. I'm begging you. Please. Don't. You are a person with love and talents and tangible gifts to offer. And this world will be at a great loss without you in it. There is hope. There is healing. It does...it really, really does get better.

Your thoughts are welcome. Thanks.

 

[hawkia]

Very powerful message. Thank you.

 

[noah617]

Wow your stories blew me away. Thanks for sharing with us. I'm sure you're gonna do some good.

 

[Ephemeral]

Both of y'alls stories moved me. Thank you.

 

[jdcnow]

Thanks, Ravenstar.

Thank you for sharing your story. And, as the original poster of this thread, I extend this invitation to all: If you would like to post your story on this thread, by all means, put it up - anyone and everyone is welcome to do so. If you would, however, like to start your own thread, that's fine as well.

The main thing is: get your stories posted now! The more stories there are posted from people like us who have been there, the better the odds that someone who is depressed or suicidal will find a story that he/she can relate to. Let's save somebody's life tonight, friends.

 

[jdcnow]

^^


(Standing Ovation)

Great job, Huntneo!

 

[maxpowr9]

Nothing was worse than being gay in an all-male Catholic High School. It's like walking into a glass store with a chainsaw and expecting to not break anything. I won't delve too deep into this because I don't like reliving bad memories.

I'm willing to admit that I tried to pray the gay away but it just didn't work. Trying to turn to help was almost entrapment because well "religion cures all." It got to the point where shit went down and courteously, my mom withdrew me from that school and sent me to another Catholic high school and back in the closet I went (at least it was co-ed this time). It wouldn't be till 2 years later when I would officially "come out".

I personally think that the whole experience fucked me up for life (meaning no amount of therapy or prescriptions will change the fact that it occurred) and basically made me "homo-romantic" (the gay version of asexual). I won't try and attempt and explain asexuality but don't mind talking about it (again I prefer to keep bad memories locked away). The only person that I told the whole story to truthfully outside of my family is my current BF. Not even friends of 8+ years know the real story.

The only solace I get from being bullied in high school, is that it made me into a very tough person and I don't put up with BS from anyone.

 

[willie metcaffe]

this is the thread that made my emotions pour. people should be survivors. people should have a second chance. there has been too much finality.

 

[frankfrank]

huntneo, your video essay was so powerful, so profound, and yes I could tell it was from the heart.

I don't know who, but I'm willing to bet almost anything that your brief video has already changed somebody's life on this site. You could have so easily kept it all to yourself, and the world would be poorer had you done so.

Yours was a flow of consciousness, and it will work good things...also very worthy of good karma, may I add.

Thank you from MY heart.

 

[jdcnow]

Well, tonight is a particularly rough night for me. I look back upon the words of those who have posted or left me private comments, as well as my own original post. Thank you all for the comfort and strength your posts give me.

 

[operafan]

Your stories are heart breaking. I send good wishes to each of you and hope the memories of your torment continue to fade.

In reading these I couldn't help but think of the video I saw this evening for the first time from the It Gets Better Project. The one guy tried to commit suicide three times but survived to meet his boyfriend the next year - and they have been together almost 25 years.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmVIAzsFIc8&feature=related[/ame]


I do hope your survival stories are reaching the people who need them. We can't lose any more gays who feel they can't survive.

 

[Atla88]

So much raw emotion, seriously moved me to tears and made me remember my own story (I'll keep it short!)

I was born into a Mormon Family, both on my Mum and Dads side so it wasn't the most pleasant experience in the world when I cam out to them about 4 years ago.

But prior to that, growing up, all through Childhood I was seen as a bit more feminine/artistic than my fellow "bros" (lolz), what made it more difficult for me personally was that I was a "late bloomer", I didn't start to hit puberty till about 16/17 so from the age of 12 to 18 I was always bullied, harrased, got into fights and arguments, quite alot. Was called all the names you can think of, so this led to depression which in turn led me to eat, ALOT.

It wasn't till I was about 15 that I came to realise that I was actually gay (but didn't come out to my parents till i was 21), I don't talk about what I went through between 15 - 18 as It was a very dark and troubled time for myself. Like a few ppl on this thread have already mentioned, I to tried to commit suicide a few times, however being in a Mormon Family it was pretty much voiced a sin to "act on those feelings"
Becuase my social skills were very poor I confided in someone I shudn't have confided In, that person took advantage of that and . . well, made life more difficult.

I still remember the day when I woke up, got out of bed, attempted to stand up and just looked down at myself, I hated what I had done to my body, hated being rejected and hated above all, being alone. I was 17, 5ft 7 and 120kg's.
I started going to the gym, eating less, losing the weight helped boost my confidence.

So, to cut a long story short, I pushed through it all and it has made me the person I am today, my parents Love me for who I am, what I have achieved and have accepted my lifestyle AND my Husband.

To all those out there, please remember, no matter who you are, there is always going to be people who will love you for who you are

 

[Ninja108]

Thank you for sharing your stories with us. You truly are an inspiration to us all.

 

[castoono]

Nothing was worse than being gay in an all-male Catholic High School. It's like walking into a glass store with a chainsaw and expecting to not break anything.

I'm willing to admit that I tried to pray the gay away but it just didn't work.

I personally think that the whole experience fucked me up for life (meaning no amount of therapy or prescriptions will change the fact that it occurred) and basically made me "homo-romantic" (the gay version of asexual).

The only solace I get from being bullied in high school, is that it made me into a very tough person and I don't put up with BS from anyone.

I thought I was so special. But they eat beans everywhere.
All this thread has relieved the old pain a little. Thx

 

[jdcnow]

Thank you all for your kind words. My only hope is that this thread be a help to someone.

 

[Croynan]

bump - this thread is timeless.​

eM

 

[Canadaguy78]

I was thinking of starting my own thread where we who have already walked this path, could share our stories in the hope that someone may read it and take strength from the fact they are not alone, nor their journey an isolated one.

When I saw jcd's post and read how openly and honestly he told his story, I chose to post mine here aswell. I hope he doesn't mind if I add my own to his.

I've been on the board for years now and rarely if ever discuss my own life or journey. I was brought up to "not rock the boat" and to be "private". Privacy was a big thing in my family. Don't talk about it and it doesn't exist right lol.

When I started school in Kindergarten, the bullying began. An older brother of a classmate told him I was a poofter. I was 5, I had no idea what a poofter was, but it didn't take long to learn. Being at a Catholic private school I learnt that a poofter was "evil, infected by Satan, and someone who ate shit."

My parents went to the school principal and the old bag told them I was "too soft" and needed "toughing up." She did nothing, and as the years progressed I became more and more withdrawn. I had no friends, I wasn't allowed to. When I did have a friend they became the target of bullying, and sooner or later they stopped being my friend.

As the years progressed I turned out to be fairly intelligent - who'd have guessed - and with each A I received, the bullying got worse. I was already a mouse, afraid of everyone and everything, academic study was all I had. The students used to say I only got the A because I let the teacher fuck me or because I sucked him off for it.

I grew and came of Age during the 80's/90's. As the world was finally coming to terms with exactly what HIV & AIDS were. It became another attack. That I was cursed by God to die of AIDS. I can remember students crossing to the other side of the quadrangle, to escape AIDS breath.

Emotional torture never really became physical torture. I hit my full height of 6'1 before I left Primary School. The teachers used to call me the gentle giant. Only once did it become physical, when I was in high school and one particular bully had grown enough to think he could take me on.

He threw a punch one day, after months of groping me, telling me he was going to rape me, following me everywhere. It was the last punch anyone threw at me. I was in Year 10 by this point and something inside my head clicked when he hit me.

I remember feeling an icy coldness rush over me and I dodged the punch and lashed out. All those years of anger and hurt, fear and pain, and it focused on this guys chin. I hit him so hard he flew threw the air and his friends, all stood agape that I had done anything. I walked away.

I went to school for year 11 - second last year of High School in Australia - and I cracked and had the first of what would turn out to be 3 nervous breakdowns. I left school and got a job, and it was here at that first workplace that I found - for the first time - friends.

The bullies all knew where I worked and they used to stand outside my register when I was working and they'd finished school taunting me and calling me names. For the first time in my life I had someone stand up for me, I can still remember the two loudest bullies run faster than I thought possible as one of my friends and another coworker announced they were going to kick the shit out of them.

I struggled with my sexuality for a long time. I didn't come out until I was 24. Prior to that, on a hot December night I went to a friends place for "drinks". Everything was planned in my head - though no one else knew it - it was to be a farewell.

As I stood on the train station waiting for the train I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice said "oh no you don't boy, get in the car." It was my father. My mother had walked into my room and knocked my pillow off my bed, and my farewell letter had tipped out and she'd read it. I will never know how, but my father made it from my house to the station in under 6 minutes. Mum had rung when she found the letter, not letting on, and was babbling about stuff like when I'd be home.

He had left the house when she rang me. I came home and endured the remains - not long - of breakdown 2, and one night a couple of years later a friend of mine called to tell me I was going out in Sydney to the theatre. I can't tell you the arguement that caused. I hated being seen, let alone going out in public.

As I sat in the theatre that night, waiting for the play to start, I was looking around the audience, waiting for someone to call me a name. There was something a little "off" about the theatre but I couldn't put my finger on it. I mentioned it to Kirsty - my friend - and she just laughed and told me to shut up.

It wasn't until intermission that I realised what was "off". Apart from Kirsty there were no females in the audience. The whole theatre was comprised of groups of men, couples, friends, whatever. I wandered about during intermission and these men were holding hands, laughing, hugging, kissing each other. I'd never seen anything like it before.

I went back into the theatre for the second act no longer as angry with Kirt as I had been - The play was Beautiful Thing and I'd been annoyed that she'd brought me to a "Gay" play lol - and watched the end of the show. As we were leaving the theatre she looked at me and asked if I was ok. I just nodded and when I walke through the doors I turned to her and said "well I guess that's that. Time I came out anyway."

It took me 5 or 6 weeks to realise that from the very second I came out I received no further bullying, no name calling, no threats of physical violence. It all just disappeared. I would walk the streets of my hometown and where before I'd be called names or have things thrown at me, now I walked unmolested.

From the day I came out my life changed, and over the years I grew to realise it wasn't so much an outside change but an internal one. I know longer expected anyone to notice that I was different, nor did I care what they thought if they did notice.

That was nearly 13 years ago, and only once have I been called a name in that time and that was by a car load of drunks. I couldn't have cared less, although I did thank them for pointing it out.

Back when I was coming out I had felt so isolated and so alone. I had absorbed the fear, hatred and bigotry of those I was at school with and turned it on myself. I can remember all the teachers who kept telling me to "toughen up" or the old adage "boys will be boys."

Telling a damaged child to tough up, or saying that bullying is no big thing is bullshit. Bullying has the power to destroy you, but it also has the power to raise you higher than you could possibly have imagined.

The strangest thing is that when I was growing up I felt so isolated that I believed I would never amount to anything, that everyone else was better than I was. I look back now and have no idea what those faces who haunted my mind & memory are now doing.

Last year I was at a night club for my birthday. I was standing on my own for a moment, away from the dancefloor having a drink and catching my breath. A man walked up to me and asked me if I was Mike. I said yes. He offered his hand and smiled and introduced himself. He was one of those who had tortured me in school. He then introduced me to his partner and told me the two of them had been together for a decade or something.

I looked at his man, who had made my life hell, as he stood there with his boyfriend/partner/husband whatever you want to call it and I flash of realisation. For many years, even after I came out, the insecurities embedded in me by those around still held a certain place, a certain belief that I wasn't as good as those around me.

I made my goodbyes - because I could feel my temper rising - and left. I was thinking about it the next day and I wondered if those who had bullied me ever gave it a moments thought. Did they remember the boy that used to hide in the library or under the grandstand in an effort to evade them. I realised they probably didn't think of me at all.

I found myself looking back on all those years and I realised that when I was caught up in it I could find no way to believe there was a way out, yet all those years later, I had found a way out. I had good friends, a loving family, a great job. I was happy and I was loved.

Back when it was in my face daily I never thought I'd have that. If I'd jumped, I wouldn't have. While you're caught up in it all you need remember is that "one day, the path will become clear." Who knows, you may even see the view from the top of the mountain. Those whose faces haunt you now, whose words tear at your soul and strength, they will be nothing to you tomorrow.

Don't carry them with you, release them, use them to further your own success. For everyone of you have the exact same chances as anyone else. The outcome is based not on the smartest, or the sexiest, or the one with the biggest dick. The outcome is based on you.

Chose to be all you can be. Chose to step up and say "fuck you" to those who would try to keep you down. Celebrate yourself, not because you are Gay or Bi or Lesbian or Trans but because you are you. And there is no one else on this earth who can walk your walk or dance your dance as well and as inspiringly as you do.

To the person I quoted above, thank you.

The part at the end about saying "f*ck you" to those who keep u down etc, is bang on!

We all need to try and be our best each day, and for those who want to tell lies about us, don't know us but think they do, want to be jerks and b*tches to us, I say F*ck them. Carry on and be your best; letting the low lifes get you down is only letting them win. Find a support group if you need to, because I also agree that the comments about "toughen up " etc to a kid whose being bullied - or anyone whose bullied - doesn't mean much.

Thank you again for your encouraging words!

 

[jdcnow]

In Tyler's remembrance, I am bumping this thread to the top of Hot Topics in the hopes that someone, somewhere might be helped. Thank you.

 

[glasvegas]

Thank you for those who are sharing their wonderful story of their own.

When I was young, the bullies in my kindergarten used to call me names. Like sissy, queer and even worst aqua ( a local slang to refer someone as sissy, also used on transexual). I don't know why I was being called on, but I let it go along. I was a victim of bullying. They pull my hair, mock at me, beat me up and let it all go. I am alone. I got no friends.

Finally, I went to elementary school, which I thought, it'll be okay. But, it is NOT. It gets worst. They pull off my pants. Insult me in class. Still getting beaten up. This went on to my secondary school. No friends. No one. Nothing. Until, one day, I gotten tired of those endless bullying. I decided to change. I tried to act masculine, toughen up. (No, I am not encouraging you to change yourself, I was forced to.) It worked. I have friends. Best friends that I'll cherish until the day I died.

At first, I am reluctant to tell them I am Bi. But I know they're gonna accept me for who I am. And they did. They welcomed me, and tell me that they're proud of me for whoever I am and they'll never feel ashamed if I bring a bf over.

 

[mbamike]

Thank you for sharing your story.