Specific question about how to come out

[hanshansen]

In some earlier threads I talked about general issues with my sexuality and the idea of coming out. I got some really good advice.

For the time being, I don't think I'm ready to come out to my parents or to my colleagues (more broadly, to the people in my 'existing life'). That might happen over the next couple of years.

But I've realised that the time has come for me to 'test the waters'. I'm actually pretty happy in a lot of ways at the moment, but not being out makes me inhibited around girls (I am somewhat bi) and has also prevented me from getting to know any gay guys (I'm not comfortable to be seen being friendly with them). So really it's cutting off opportunities to form friendships and, further down the road, intimate relationships.

So here's the thing. In this country, professionals in their 20s tend to go 'flatting', i.e. they share a house or apartment with other young people who could be friends or strangers, other professionals or students. Basically you rent a room. I've never done this. I'm paying a hefty premium every week for my own apartment. 10 per cent of this money is paying for peace and quiet, but 90 per cent, let's face it, is paying for not having anyone know anything about my private life. So I went to a friend's flatwarming party a couple of weeks ago and while my friend has since said that one of the guys is really annoying, on the whole the flatmates (several guys and a girl - these flats tend to be mixed) seemed to be really nice, easy-going people. So once my lease runs out in a few months' time, rather than renew it or look for another apartment I'm seriously playing with the idea of getting a room in one of these places. If I did that, I could do two things: I could let my flatmates know about my sexuality straight away, or I could wait and see if I trust them enough. I think being up front about it is probably better. What seems to happen is that you basically do an 'interview' so that people can get an idea if your personalities are compatible. My friend told me he had to go through about 8 of these before he found a place where he was comfortable. So do you think there is any chance that at that interview I'd be asked a question about my private life and if I'm in a relationship? If not, I guess I'd broach the topic if I got a question like 'is there anything else we should know about you'. I'd probably say something like, 'Um, I could be gay, I'm sort of trying to figure that out. Would you have any problems with that?'. (If yes, I'd just look somewhere else.) Comments, advice?


PS In case anyone has that thought, I am *not* planning to sleep with my flatmates. The point is that they would be comfortable with people I was seeing or not seeing, I could talk to them openly about stuff, they might introduce me to people they know.

 

[JackFTwist]

I'd let them know

they might have friends they can invite over for you to meet

 

[rareboy]

I think you absolutely have to let them know before you get into this situation. I couldn't, the first time I had to share an apartment with some others at university and it meant I had no personal social life at my own apartment at all. When they do find out you're gay, they might wonder what other things you haven't shared with them.

You have a chance this way to find out if they're gay positive too.....and as JackFTwist says, maybe they have some friends for you to hang out with as well.

 

[cead-mile_failte]

be honest from the start and then you will begin on an open playing field where you will not have to dodge "those questions". Who know..you might even might your life partner there.

 

[cellular]

You know i get nervous when i have to admit that im gay in front of people i know or who are close to. you are admitting your sexuality to people you dont know which is way easier. So go ahead, admit that you are gay straight ahead. who cares if these people judge you, in the worst case, they wouldnt share the apartment with you, but then screw them, at least you were honest and open, and that will open up more doors for you relationship wise than sitting and waiting in the closet.

 

[JackFTwist]

I don't like saying "I'm gay" all that much but there are other ways to get the point across (so to speak)

saying something like "you won't mind if I have a guy stay overnight" expresses the message

 

[hanshansen]

Thanks for those responses. I was actually hoping for more opinions on the kind of thing I should actually say (like JackFTWist gave - thanks). Maybe to prompt this I should say a bit more about my situation, which is probably a bit trickier than I let on, or thought. I've talked on other threads about my sexual identity issues. I thought I'd got a handle on those, but here's the situation at the moment:

a) I'm totally inexperienced when it comes to sex and relationships. So my sense of what my sexuality is is based on fantasies, and it's still confused. I know that I'm not straight (I felt too 'different' when I was a kid and in my teens, and I've always been attracted to some guys, some of the time) but I'm also attracted to some girls, some of the time, and the idea of sex with a girl turns me on a lot more at the moment than the idea of sex with a guy.

b) In a world without any stigmas, I'd say I was bi for the time being, then I'd define my sexuality more narrowly (to other people) depending on the long-term relationship I found myself wanting to commit to. If it was a guy, I'd say I was gay from then on, if it was a girl I'd say I was straight.

c) Stigmas are a part of reality (or at least of my own mind), and I have to admit I'm a lot more comfortable exploring my straight side than my gay side. Going totally down the gay route (not sleeping with girls, anal sex with a guy, admitting to the world that I'd fallen for a guy) would make me feel 'less of a man', which would be something for me to get over, whereas going totally down the straight route would obviously be easier in that respect.

In that situation, all I want for the time being is a non-threatening environment where I can 'find myself' and maybe talk through some issues. But what's easier for people to accept? Should I tell them I'm gay, see if they're happy with that, and let them in on the complications later depending on how well I get on with them? Should I tell them I'm bi, or would that make them think, 'this guy is potential trouble'? Should I say, 'I might be seeing guys as well as girls'? In principle, I'd say: the less complicated I can make it to start with (since you really don't get to know the people you're gonna flat with at all well until you move in) the better.

 

[colemanshs]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I was not upfront with my roommates and I am starting to wish that I would have been from the very beginning.

Just ask them how they feel about homosexuality first. Just let them know that you may have guys over and they should not be opposed to the idea.

Good luck.

 

[hanshansen]

Tell them the truth. Plain and simple.

What is the truth? Do you think the truth is simpler than I've stated it? What are the relevant parts of that truth that people need to know straight away? Is my confusion part of the truth that people need to know? Remember, I'm not talking about people I already know well and can explain things to for hours.

 

[hanshansen]

Tell them you're gay. That's all they need to concern themselves with. The rest of it is not relevant at that juncture.

Your personal struggle with your sexuality is exactly that, personal. All you need to know is if you bring a guy home to shag is anyone going to give you shit for it. If they are ok with that then they are going to be ok with anything else you throw at them.

If, at some point in the future you want to tell them more, so be it, but right now, it's not appropriate.

Thanks, that's helpful advice.

 

[Lube]

As O2 said, they don't need to hear your whole life story (and, frankly, they probably don't want it ).

Think about what your real concern is--would they be offended if you brought a guy over for the night, right? They don't care if you're bi and might bring a girl over; the concern is only about a guy. So they don't need to know if you're bi or gay or a man trapped in woman's body or whater--all you need to know is if they'd be offended if you had a guy over.

Ask them that, point blank.

End of story.

 

[By-Ear]

I agree with O2 on your progress – it seems to me like you are dealing with your issues.

...

a) I'm totally inexperienced when it comes to sex and relationships. So my sense of what my sexuality is is based on fantasies, and it's still confused. I know that I'm not straight (I felt too 'different' when I was a kid and in my teens, and I've always been attracted to some guys, some of the time) but I'm also attracted to some girls, some of the time, and the idea of sex with a girl turns me on a lot more at the moment than the idea of sex with a guy.

b) In a world without any stigmas, I'd say I was bi for the time being, then I'd define my sexuality more narrowly (to other people) depending on the long-term relationship I found myself wanting to commit to. If it was a guy, I'd say I was gay from then on, if it was a girl I'd say I was straight.

...

You wrote that you know that you're not straight. Later you wrote, if you had a long-term relationship with a girl, you'd say to other people that you were straight.
I’ll not recommend that. If you know you’re not straight, then telling "other people" that you are straight is really just maintaining status quo.
... and if the lease runs out in a few months' time (as you wrote), you will not be able to know that you’re in a “long-term relationship” before your lease runs out.

As I understand your question, you’re asking for advice on “what to tell” and “how to tell”.

I think you should tell your potential new flatmates that you are bi. If that doesn’t seem to be a problem, you should ask for that flattings policy on having someone over for the night. If they don’t prohibit guys (or girls) staying over for the night, then you’re home free (no pun intended).

In that way you would be as honest as you possibly can, without approaching your confusion and inexperience. I think it’s crucial, that you don’t create a new “hiding scenario”.
If you, while staying in the flat, realize that you’re gay, then that wouldn’t be a problem - “guy for the night” has already been accepted.

 

[hanshansen]

Thanks for those responses.

By the way-
My point is that I have seen you come so far since I was on here last - 5 or 6 weeks and you are a whole new man! I hope you feel good about how you are coming to terms with your sexuality and that you are moving in a way that is comfortable for you. Explore at your own pace, do what you feel is right. Don't let anyone force you or try to sway you one way or another. (Not that I think you need this warning, based on what I'm reading, but you are making some big changes in a relatively short time, so just be careful, you know?)

Thanks for your comments, --O2--. If you knew me, you would know that I take a long time to rush into things . It is sort of amazing what has happened in the last two months. I've discovered a lot about myself (some things are clearer now, some less clear than I thought), I no longer feel stuck in a rut, I've had a string of really positive surprises and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Regarding this particular move, I've still got months to figure things out, but I think it's a necessary next step. Beyond that, it's the wild unknown and I'm going to take things slowly.

I think you should tell your potential new flatmates that you are bi. If that doesn’t seem to be a problem, you should ask for that flattings policy on having someone over for the night. If they don’t prohibit guys (or girls) staying over for the night, then you’re home free (no pun intended).

In that way you would be as honest as you possibly can, without approaching your confusion and inexperience. I think it’s crucial, that you don’t create a new “hiding scenario”.
If you, while staying in the flat, realize that you’re gay, then that wouldn’t be a problem - “guy for the night” has already been accepted.

The developing consensus seems to be that 'guy over for the night' is the main issue here - that's useful, it wasn't that obvious to me. By-Ear, your suggested approach makes sense to me. I do want to leave things open without making people think that I'm going to burden them with psychological issues, that I'm just going through a phase etc.

You wrote that you know that you're not straight. Later you wrote, if you had a long-term relationship with a girl, you'd say to other people that you were straight.
I’ll not recommend that. If you know you’re not straight, then telling "other people" that you are straight is really just maintaining status quo.

I guess what I meant was: if I was in a committed relationship, I wouldn't want to give signals that I was considering other options. But I see your point now: suppose the relationship ended, and I now had a whole circle of friends who weren't aware that I might now go down the other route.