Splitting up with best friend

[Cedric]

I've been having issues with my best friend of almost 15 years for about 2 years now. We've been close for a long time, but I think it's time to call it quits. We met in our Freshmen year of college. He's gay, too, and helped me a lot with my coming out, so I'm forever grateful to him for that.

2 years ago, he had some major life changes. He switched careers, got out of a long-term relationship, and started hanging out with a different crowd. I thought his personality change was because of these upheavals in his life and that he would go back to his normal self once things settled down, but that hasn't been the case.

He's a completely different person nowadays. He will often say belittling or hurtful things that put me down. He's become very competitive with me. He will talk at length about himself, but whenever I manage to get a word in edgewise about something having to do with me, he turns the conversation back to make it all about him again. He was never like this before those changes 2 years ago. After being patient, I've started pulling away from him and spending more time with other friends who I feel more comfortable with. I think he notices that I'm growing distant, but neither of us has brought it up.

It's an awkward position that we are in, because I get the feeling that I am his sole source of emotional support, but he isn't my sole source of emotional support. He claims that he has no friends and is lonely, but I don't know if I'm in a position to help him out with that. I think he needs to work that out on his own.

What do you think about this?

 

[Rolyo85]

I think you should be talking to him about it. Tell him what you see - basically what you wrote in this post. See how he deals with it, and decide what to do after.

 

[darklide634]

A successful relationship will only work if both parties can share the conversation.

 

[Cedric]

I think you should be talking to him about it. Tell him what you see - basically what you wrote in this post. See how he deals with it, and decide what to do after.

Yeah, I know I should just be honest and direct, but I'm the type that tends to avoid conflict. :/

 

[Rolyo85]

It's not about types. This is simply the only way any type of relationship survives. You either do it, or you decide to quit something that has been going on for 15 years.

 

[HunterM]

Since you guys are not a couple, don't tell him "I'm breaking up with you."

1. If you value his friendship, then have a talk with him on how you are feeling.

2. If you don't value his friendship anymore, you're heading in the right direction. You are already distancing yourself from him. Continue to do that. Don't initiate contact with him for 6 months to a year. Don't be available to hang out with him when he calls.

Both of you guys are adults. He is not a "project" for you to make better. He is not your responsibility (whether you are his only emotional support or not). I'm sure he'll get the hint soon and will probably ask "Why are we not hanging out anymore?" Then you'll tell him how you feel.

Keep focusing on yourself, your own goals in life. You are in control and have the power to make your life better...with or without him.

Good luck!

 

[Stoopid]

RUN FOR THE HILLS! Friendships should not be that complicated. That's what relationships are for, apparently.

 

[Rolyo85]

Disagree. I have friendships that are imminently more complex and deeper than any relationship I have ever been in. Those are people that I've been with through fire and ice, and I know I will have them to count on for the rest of my life. Friends are not just people you "hang out with when bored", and you shouldn't throw away something that's lasted so long without making every attempt to fix it first.

 

[Seasoned]

I think you ought to tell him that his put downs have turned you away from him, that they are hurtful and that he needs to stop that behavior if he wishes to remain friends. Of course, you're distancing yourself. It's a normal reaction to protect yourself. Not all friendships can go the distance.

 

[hotb0d]

If I was in your position, I think I have two options:

1. Sit down with my best friend and have a heart-to-heart conversation. Make him aware of my concerns and maybe we can address some problems. (however, this will be a tough road because problems don't just solve itself out overnight). At the end of the day, I'll have to ask myself, "Do I want to make this emotional and time investment in saving this friendship or am I at a point in my life where I should focus on my other friends?"

2. Since we are slowly drifting apart, let's just go with the flow. People move on. Nothing is permanent in life and this should be a lesson to myself. I will remember the good time we had together. If I see him on the street, I'll say Hi, otherwise don't initiate contact.

 

[Cedric]

Thank you for putting these into a bunch of reasonable perspectives. I really appreciate all your input.

 

[TX-Beau]

One of my best friends I met in college, she was my lab partner, then we got to be friends, then I dated her, then I was gay, then she was royally pissed off.

Cue some time later, when we'd both changed, I was not just gay but REALLY gay slut party boy, she was responsible grad student in pursuit of career. But the basic things that made us friends in the first place hadn't changed.

We were not friends though, just acquaintances. Until a lot later, when I'd settled down, she was married with kids, suburban mom.

Except for about a year after I told her I was gay, we've always been in touch. Sometimes we are closer than others, sometimes things have been tough, she's disapproved of me, I've disapproved of her, we've had our share of fights and squabbles, but there's a lot of life and history between us, and we'd both probably have given up on one another if she didn't talk like a magpie.

If you won't talk, you won't last, and people evolve, if you can't deal with where he went, then walk, but don't walk before you even try.

 

[Rolyo85]

TX as a gay slut party boy ^_^ A tingly image.