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Spotted by someone at a University event.....

R

RageBlackout

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Okay, so my friend encouraged me to go to the LGTB meet and greet tonight. Being gay I thought why now, lol. So anyway, this girl showed up who I've seen A LOT around my residence (she doesn't live there though)

She spotted me, then whispered something to her gay friend who then glared at me (rudely I might add). I haven't come out to the people of my residence yet and no one knows. I get the feeling that this girl just doesn't like me for whatever reason and I'm afraid she'll out me - so to speak - before I'm ready.

I know her name and her facebook profile. Should I message her and ask her politely to not say anything? I'm so confused.

Please advise, thank you!!
 
The only real solution is to "make sure she doesn't talk." :)

Seriously though, it's a risk you take going to a LGBT function. I would assume that you had to have known going to such an event that people would see you and identify you as gay. I personally wouldn't attempt to contact her or push the issue. It may inspire her to out you when she may not have otherwise. Why would she have reason not to like you to begin with? Maybe if you could identify that, you can try to befriend said person (or at least try to get her to not dislike you) without directly addressing your concern of not being outed. You could also always lie if she does out you and say you were there with someone or as a straight supporter. I would not advise that option though.

Of course, it is your decision and you have to decide how important it is to you.
 
I guess I was kinda naive in thinking that since all my friends here are straight none of them would go, lol. My bad.

The reason I think she doesn't like me is just by the way she looks at me, almost glares. And at the event, she turned to her gay friend and then he looked at me. I was so uncomfortable you have no idea.

I wanna message her and keep it simple. Along the lines of, "I don't know you very well. I know you saw me at the meet and greet and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't say anything. I'm just not ready to come out yet." Something like that. But would she be offended since I'm basically accusing her of being the type of person that would blab to the first person she could?
 
Let sleeping dogs lie.

You may be assuming something that isn't true. You may be transferring your discomfort to her. Whatever the case is let it alone. Females can be especially vindictive when it comes to gay men. Perhaps she lost a boyfriend to a gay guy. Perhaps a gay guy lead her on and she fell for him and he made a fool of her. That last one actually happened to a buddy in college. The girl went kind of crazy, like into a mental hospital. She ruined his life for years.

My experience with women is not a good one. I used to have the harem of fag hags like all good gays did when I was young. I got over that phase of my life pretty quickly. I was stabbed in the back repeatedly by the very people that purported to be so accepting and supportive. As a result I have no close association with females.

In the future, count the cost of your attendance at such functions. The world is changing but it isn't there yet.
 
Well I know she has no problem with gay men seeing as one of her good friends is gay. It's just all the times I've been around her I've been silent. Haven't talked to her at all.

The thing is I see her all the time, and all it would take is for me to walk into a room with her in it and she suddenly starts whispering. It's hard to put into words.

Maybe this will put things in perspective for her, and realize the reason I'm generally shy around the schools residence is because I haven't come out yet. I just hope she's respectful.
 
Durango gives good advice, Leave it alone !!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
We know you're gay, RB, and we still like you.
 
Ok Rage...

You are young. I've been around the block more than a few times.

When push comes to shove all women have a problem with gay men. It is just that the impetus for each one is very different. I'd try and stay out of her way for a while. I would cool out for a while and see what comes back to you. If she has bad motives you'll know PDQ. If you have any gay friends in common you may go that route and see what is the deal. Even that is a risk.

I wouldn't recommend your going hat in hand and ask her "for a favor". That is how she will read it.
 
Don't live in fear and don't allow people to have that kind of power over you. For all you know they might have been looking at the ugly art work over your shoulder. Good luck with your coming out process.
 
Seasoned said:
Don't live in fear and don't allow people to have that kind of power over you. For all you know they might have been looking at the ugly art work over your shoulder. Good luck with your coming out process.
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I agree. Fear is not the way to go. That being said, it would be naive to be unaware of potential problems. No one here wants to see this guy get hurt in any way. When you don't know with what you are dealing, caution is always best.

Let us be honest. As far as things have advanced, things are not to the point where everyone is going to be on board with what they perceive as a gay culture.

I came out 35 years ago. Have I lost jobs because of it? Yes. Have I lost friends because of it? Yes. Have I been physically assaulted because of it? Yes. It once got me a trip to the hospital for a few days. My own mother didn't have any contact with me for 13 years.

Coming out is different for everyone. It is no big deal for some or so I'm told. I've read about them. Personally, I've never known of any of those cases.

Whatever happens, coming out should be on RB's terms and to whom he wishes. It is no one's business but his.
 
shes not gonna out you, unless shes a complete and utter psycho bitch. outing somebody is a terrible thing to do, and if she hangs out with gay guys, she knows that, too. only the worst of the worst do it.

i think sending her a fb message is a good idea. this is actually a very good, simple, undramatic way of putting it: "I don't know you very well. I know you saw me at the meet and greet and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't say anything. I'm just not ready to come out yet."

personal anecdote: i was outed against my will to my parents. at the time, i was terribly upset. but looking back, im actually really glad it happened how it did. i wouldnt have had the courage to take that step at the time, and it was really good that "it was taken for me". its different for everybody, but i just want to say... even if she outs you - and i doubt she will - it can still work out perfectly fine.

i also want to say that i disagree with durango and his take on women.
 
Personally, I wouldn't message her. I wouldn't want to give someone an idea (to out you) that he or she didn't already have. With that said, I think college is the best time to work on coming out. If you don't do it then, it becomes a lot more complicated, IMO. And has been said before, if you really don't want to come out, don't go to LGBT events.
 
Thanks for all the great advice you guys! I pretty much just let it go but I really appreciate all the input everyone here has given me. :)
 
RageBlackout said:
Thanks for all the great advice you guys! I pretty much just let it go but I really appreciate all the input everyone here has given me. :)
Click to expand...

Definitely best to let it go. No need to bring unintentional drama into something that was never there to begin with.
 
You may want to be prepared with a cover story (a lie) if it does come back to you. A lesbian ( or gay) friend asked me to go with her.
 
RageBlackout said:
Thanks for all the great advice you guys! I pretty much just let it go but I really appreciate all the input everyone here has given me. :)
Click to expand...

What is preventing YOU from breaking the ice with HER?....... :confused:
 
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