Starting to get torn up over someone

[MrPerfectMan]

It's also hard to condense my feelings and events like this into just a few paragraphs, but here it goes:

I visited a new city for the first time in January. Through a common interest Facebook group there, I was basically asked out for coffee from someone, to which I agreed to. It was a quick but a good meeting. Over the last 6 months we've kept in touch. I found him cute but not the type that is a major turn on to me. He looks a little more feminine than I'd typically be into, but has a nice body, and doesn't sound gay at all. Character-wise he is brilliant, down to earth, and the sweetest guy Ive ever met. Maybe I'm only used to superficial dudes who ultimately just want someone to get off with, but this guy wants an eventual relationship leading to marriage and believe in monogamy. His thoughts and beliefs on loyalty are so strong, it literally has been a turn on for me, at times.

I come from a background with a family and environment that hates homosexuality. I basically had my mom only a few weeks ago tell me I must be broken, and really the only thing worse than being gay is being a murderer (paraphrase but basically accurate). I stuck with nsa hookups for most of my 20s, and am blessed not to have come out the worse for wear. The closer I get to my 30s, the less I want that, and the more I want a man who's loyal and interested in life-long monogamy, if I can find the right one.

Anyways this guy just flew up to visit me for a week and it pretty much went perfectly. I do enjoy him immensely much more in person, tho I do have these stray thoughts that he looks too feminine for me, at times. Other times I don't feel that way, and feel he's an all around catch! Since we are still platonic friends and don't want to do long distance (over 3,000 miles apart in our case) I think we're testing the waters to see if maybe we want to change that at some point.

I wanted love to blossom, if it was going to naturally. But I found myself reverting back to how I acted in my hookup days, by giving him a lot of eye contact just to see if it was a turn on. It was, but in those moments I wasn't feeling a connection or any feelings, and I feel bad about that. I guess I was wanting to indicate that I was curious to see where things could go and took it too far. At other times I do feel there was a connection and even wanted to kiss him, but I withheld even kissing or touching him romantically because he's such a good guy and I don't want to hurt him.

I do think he'll make a fantastic husband someday. I can't deny in many ways I think he'd make me very happy. It of course would take a lot to move so far for someone, and that puts some unnecessary pressure on me, and probably confusion. I'm mad at myself because I can't decide if it's something I should do or not. When I'm with him I enjoy myself and ultimately want the same things as him, a relationship that leads to a monogamous lifelong marriage. He is seemingly the perfect man, I don't find him unattractive, in fact I think he's cute, but I just don't know if I'm ready to jump in that deep with him. I feel like I have few reasons not to, but I'm just not that ready. I guess that's what dating is for and we haven't officially dated. We've just both been through heartbreak fairy recently, and I would never forgive myself if I caused him any pain. Never. I do care about him too much to do that to him. :/

 

[TX-Beau]

I started out calling myself SA/SA, and wouldn't date anyone femme or indeed anyone not exactly like me. You will grow out of that if you let yourself. It'

 

[swerve]

Dude -- GET A GRIP!!!

You allowed his "femme" actions alter the course you WOULD have TAKEN???

That is INSANE!!!

You ALREADY admitted that he would make the PERFECT partner...

DON'T let him GET AWAY!!!

PURSUE!!!

SERIOUSLY!!!

 

[Seasoned]

First, your family. My initial rejection of femmes came directly from my family's putdown of "sissies." As for your mother, the next time she calls you broken tell her, "only in the sense of not having parental support." Mother or no mother, she doesn't get a free pass.

As to this nice, brilliant guy, I'd be more concerned about the logistics of the distance than as to any femme characteristics. Straight acting is for the closet, as if you don't want to be identified as gay because of him. And, do you know something about being "cute?" It lasts a lot longer than "hot."

 

[KaraBulut]

The evidence points to a mutual attraction. But it's an attraction to someone who literally lives on the other side of the country.

The question is, "If there was the possibility of a lasting relationship, would either of you be willing to relocate?". The answer defines the limitation.

Have you talked to him about what you're feeling?

 

[Benvolio]

If you cannot live together, it will not work long term. You can enjoy each other when you do get together but don't expect a permanent relationship. If one of you can move, you should start a physical relationship before either makes a big commitment or move.

 

[mcbrion]

I'm surprised nobody's asked an important question: how far apart do you live from each other? I have never seen distance as the deal-breaker others have: only the maturity of the parties involved.
When I dated a guy and there was distance between us, and it was obvious there was a mutual attraction, I asked if he would consider relocating if our relationship went the distance. That's as much as I needed to know "up front," as it were. Speculating about a future with someone isn't sensible if you're not even in love yet.
Also, evaluations about the future should go both ways: can we make someone else's life better in a partnership? Sometimes what we want to believe about merging lives together is different that what we are actually capable of doing. So, do you think he is open to looking at you as a partner? Maybe I overlooked something, but you haven't mentioned at all how he feels about any of this, or whether or not he even knows you're having this conversation with yourself internally. He might be happy just having you as a friend, since there was no physical contact. If I had to wonder if a guy was interested in me, I probably wouldn't go any further with him because - and this is me - I don't chase anyone. Love blossoms on its own, given expression of what's going on inside of someone. I want to see their feelings - if any - towards me, and if they're afraid to show me their emotions without prodding, I have my answer right there: they're not right for me. And I get that you don't want to hurt him, but you don't truly know what he's feeling. So far, you're assuming you're the catch and he's the suitor. HE sounds like a catch, and a lovely guy, but even that doesn't mean either of you is right for each other.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Sorry I am a bit confused by your description. Did you say that he was visiting only you for an entire week and you guys did not make physical contact? This seems strange..

Are you sure he even likes you romantically? Sounds like you might be in the friend zone already.

Also, I do not think a relationship between you two, if it even happened, could survive 3000 miles, unless 1 of you would plan to relocate. From how you have described yourself and your past, you are a pretty sexual being, and that wont go away just because you are in a relationship. Maybe you should be more open to guys who are in close proximity to you.

 

[mcbrion]

My mistake: overlooked the "over 3,000 miles." Coast to coast.

 

[jaysizzles]

When you were together, you probably should have gone in for a kiss just to see if there was indeed chemistry between you both. If there was, then you could start to explore all the what-ifs and logistics that come with long distance relationships. If there wasn't, you'd both at least know and be able to move on with exploring other relationships, and still maintain your friendship. You seem to want something permanent now...something about him has got you thinking about the possibility of it with him turning into that. Take the leap...let him know what you're thinking and see if he's open to the idea of exploring this further...you won't know until you cross that bridge. If he is...hop on a plane asap. As long as you are both honest, upfront, and realistic, especially about the long distance thing, you can maintain the friendship if it doesn't lead to love/relationship/eventual relocation.

 

[MrPerfectMan]

Thanks for your thoughts so far guys, I figured I'd add some details and fill in some of the holes. It might seem repetitive, but it helps to write this out.

Yes he's very interested in me. We have similar goals, desires in a relationship and eventual marriage, and similar beliefs. It's kind of a first time for both of us to meet someone so well aligned. I didn't kiss him at all on the trip, even tho I felt like it once or twice because A) I didn't want to kiss him just to get in his pants (tho that's not why I wanted to kiss the second time) and B) I didn't want to string him along when he was just going to fly back the next day.

Yes I am willing to move, but not yet. It feels like a move for him at this point in time would be a proposal, which weighs on me heavily. I've been living in the same place for pretty much 30 years, I need out. Maybe I see him as an easy way out.

Maybe I've been looking in the wrong places, but I've never met a guy willing to wait and respect and care about me like he does. Most guys just want a reason to get off with a hot guy. While I desire a loving lifelong relationship with someone like this guy, there are times (and there's no point in telling me how horrible this is, I feel rotten enough about it already) that I can go through his Facebook pics and get turned off...by his smile of all things. Other times it's not so bad and for the most part I found him even appealing on the trip, as things are different in person.

Granted he's not the guy based on looks alone who would give me an instant boner and makes me want to spread my legs for him, but I can't say he's unattractive. He's cute, I just get hung up on those Facebook photos sometimes. Granted I spent most of my 20s hooking up or just meeting shallow guys that didn't seem to care about me much except to get in bed. This guy is different and it's refreshing. But I worry what if this lack of attraction comes back to haunt a future relationship??

He knows I'm not ready to jump in yet. He knows (as I worded it) he's not type (tho I never mentioned the Facebook thing. Heck his body is actually quite nice, and I've dated non-buff guys personally, it's just some of his feminine qualities that get to me).

I know I sound horrible. I personally don't think I'm the type for most guys who I like. I've never had a guy like me and care about me this much and I think it's rare thing. I am 30 and not getting any younger. There are other times we talk about love and commitment in general and i've been incredibly aroused. Once I got so aroused I got light headed. So suffice to say I am very confused. I want to love him. I want to make him work, but I worry about the distance and (sometimes) lack of attraction.

One thing I know, I love him enough not to hurt him. I get misty eyes thinking about causing this boy pain. I love him so much I'd never want to hurt him. If only he seemed more masculine, I'd probably want to bend over for him all the time.

My inclination as to tell him lets wait until i come for a second visit to see how things go in person. But he already said he got ride of his dating apps and accounts. He's starting to get more affectionate in how he talks to me. The boy is taken with me. I love him and think he's perfect, but what if I regret my deacon because I find someone else hotter. Maybe I should overlook it and focus on loving him and not put too much emphasis on his looks. Still, i was not able to return some of the compliments he paid me earlier tonight over the phone. I'm psyching myself out about this and I don't want to make any decisions prematurely or loose him unless I decide I just can't get past the attraction issue. I really wish i knew how to get passed this.

 

[rareboy]

Let him go.

I think you are lining him up for a world of hurt.

 

[MrPerfectMan]

Let him go.

I think you are lining him up for a world of hurt.

I don't think it's impossible. I think long distance is a strain and another meeting as friends in person, could change things dramatically. The plan is to stay platonic and honestly decide then. There really is no reason to run from something so promising...

 

[checkinthingsout]

I don't think it's impossible. I think long distance is a strain and another meeting as friends in person, could change things dramatically. The plan is to stay platonic and honestly decide then. There really is no reason to run from something so promising...

Everything is possible, but this is highly unlikely to work.

1. You are not sexually attracted to him.
2. You are 3000 miles apart

What is promising about that? You don't really like him, you like the idea of him.

I have a friend similar to you, who started something like a relationship with someone who he thinks is a great guy, but he has never truly been sexually attracted to. He is now trying to let him down easily, but it isn't working because he doesn't have the balls to say, I am not into you, and the guy still likes him and wants to remain something more than friends.

That is how I see anything you try with this guy ending up, best case scenario. You should keep this in the friend zone and find someone else.

Also, if you want to move somewhere else, just move. Why do you need a guy as an excuse to change where you live or your happiness? Leave him out of it.

 

[MrPerfectMan]

Well, I finally talked with him about it and...it went really well. We agreed that we're jumping the gun, if anything develops at all, and never want to hurt the other or ruin our friendship, especially since we can't typically get a lot of literal interaction. I noticed a lot of stress rolled off my shoulders, as I was inadvertendly feeling pressure to commit. With that not an issue, I can just enjoy him as person.

I still plan to seeing him again. I can't say for sure but I want to love him as a friend. If anything develops from there, then at least the foundation will be solid. And...I can't stress how my feelings of attraction and romance could change over time. I'm just glad the pressure's off and we can just be together.