state of confusion

[keinetic]

hi, i'm new here and i need some advice on the situation i'm in right now.

it's kinda obvious that i'm atrracted to guys since i was small but i've never given it any thought and not until 2 years ago that i realised that it's called gay. i'm ok with it but at times i hope that i'm straight or at least bi. there are times when i almost came out to my friends but was stopped by this wishful thinking. i was hoping that i might turn straight someday. i know i'm being stupid and that's why i'm here asking for advice. has anyone been in this kinda situation before? how can i fullly accept that i'm gay?

and i have this strange feeling lately when chatting on msn with 1 of my girl friends. i'm kinda excited about it and here comes my wishful thinking again. i am hoping that i'm falling for her. i dunno if that's the case cos i've never fall in love before. maybe i only need a friend to talk to and maybe that's why i feel excited when we are chatting since i don't have much friends(i'm very shy and introveted and have very low self-esteem) .

so that's pretty much all i can say about my situation. i hope some kind souls out there could help me out.

 

[G-Lexington]

Hello, HK, and welcome!

First off, don't feel pressured to rush into anything. You don't have to stand up on a chair and announce to the world at large "I'M GAY" unless you really feel like it. And it's a bit scary. I was reluctant to come out for that same reason. I felt by doing so, I was closing a door I could never open again. That I was announcing "I am not straight, and will never be attracted to a woman." And that's sort of a big announcement. I know some people have always felt that, and so didn't have any trouble coming out, but I wasn't that sure for some time.

If you have some close friends that you feel comfortable talking with, you can certainly tell them that you're WONDERING if you're gay. Tell them you haven't quite figured it out yet, and you're working on it. Because that's the truth, right? And your good friends should understand this, and be supportive. You may have to reassure your straight male friends that no, you're not interested in them sexually - some might feel a bit of discomfort about that. But hopefully you can get them to understand and be supportive.

How can you accept that you're gay? I'd say just give it time. You've only really thought of yourself as gay for about two years, so it may take some more time before you become used to it. One suggestion - hang out here more! Read what other people have to say, chat with folks, discuss your own feelings. As you do so, you'll probably grow more accustomed to the idea.

Best of luck!

Lex

 

[landers]

There's 6 billion people on this planet, someone else has been in your situation before, and I'm one of them.

First, if you are gay, you always have been gay and you can no more switch to being straight than you switched to being gay. You're either gay, straight or bi but, in your case I'd say that straight isn't a possibility.

Second, you can be gay and still have feelings for women, it confused me too for a while. Eventually I realized that none of these feelings were sexual and that while I probably could have a relationship with a woman I would never be happy unless I was with a man.

Third, telling people can be hard, a lot of us have had a difficult time telling people that we care about. I had a really hard time telling my best friends. Eventually I told a friend about a dream I had where I was gay and she asked me if I was gay. If she hadn't asked me I don't know that I would have told anyone yet. Telling people over msn is a good way to do it I found because you can just type in "I'm gay" and press enter. If things start to go badly you can turn off the computer and go do something else.

Fourth, well it's still kinda third, but I wanted a fourth. Chances are at least somebody knew or suspected you are gay, the first 5 people I told all said they knew when I told them. Some said they knew for a lot longer than I did. Here's a thread to prove my point

http://justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=145649

Also, if the people you tell really are your friends they won't care. This is, unfortunately, a time when you'll find out who you're friends really are, and you have to be prepared for some negative reactions. It's unfortunate but it happens. I've purposely avoided telling people who I think would react negatively but, I know I can't avoid it forever and there are some people I'll have to tell eventually that I would rather not.

Fifth, in the end, after I told people, nothing changed. I felt really anxious before I told anyone, worried about what would happen afterwards. After I came out I realized how stupid it was to have been so worried. If you have gay friends tell them first, gay people aren't going to reject you. Otherwise goodluck. It's not the easiest thing to do, but hopefully you'll feel better about it once it's done.

 

[joshk]

Yes, quite a lot of us fight against the inevitable and hope that we'll find a satisfactory straight life. I went as far as dating a girl for a year and we had a great relationship sexually as well as emotionally, but I knew all the time that it was guys that really turned me on. I don't regret that relationship and we're still friends, but I do regret waiting around for the next few years after we finished hoping for another girl I could relate to when I should have been facing up to the fact that I was only really going to be happy in a relationship with a man. Fortunately I didn't leave it for too long, because in the end, if you're gay, you're gonna be a lot happier being with men and maybe finding a special guy and living with and loving him. There's no guarantee a great guy will come along soon, but you'll never find him if you're looking elsewhere. There's no rush, but the sooner you come to terms with it, at least for yourself, the sooner you'll be getting on with the kind of life that is going to make you happy.

 

[keinetic]

thx guys for the advice. now i feel better knowing that i'm not alone.

actually i'm pretty sure that i'm gay. it's just that the wishful thinking of fitting into the straight community makes me have seond thought. i'm not rushing to announce to the whole world that i'm gay but sometimes it's really annoying when everyone keeps telling you to get a girlfriend. i really have the urge to tell them i'm gay when they say that.

i'm pretty sure nobody knows that i'm gay. maybe there isn't much gay guys(most of them are still closeted i guess) in my country. most of my friends always thought i had a girlfriend. i told them once that i'm not interested in girls and they gave me this reaction : "yeah right.... stop joking"

so i guess i will give myself time to slowly accept it. thx again for helping me out and i will definitely hang out here more

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>it's just that the wishful thinking of fitting into the straight community

Not sure what it's like where you are (Hong Kong?), but here in America, gays fit into the straight community just fine. Yes, there are some closed-minded idiots that we have to deal with on occasion, but for most people, it's no big deal. Good luck - and have fun here!

Lex

 

[landers]

I was pretty sure no one knew I was gay. It came as quite a shock when no one was shocked when I told them I was gay. If you're afraid of not fitting in then come to Canada. We have legalized same-sex marriage, public health care and air so cold in the winter that mucus freezes to the inside of your nose when you breath in.

...Forget that last one...

 

[keinetic]

worse, i'm from malaysia. you don't see a lot of gay guys out here. for my case, i've never seen a gay guy before. even kissing in public might get fined. if i remember correctly, having anal sex is illegal here but who will be stupid enough to tell the public you are having anal sex anyway

i would really love to move out if there is a chance. and i like cold weather

 

[tallguy297]

Hey hk,

Welcome to JUB mate!! Its great to have you here!

Mate... you are going through something that most of us have...you are definitely not the only one...and if you spend a little time here on the boards you will see that the world over guys can sometimes struggle with the acceptance of being gay. Its a battle that unites us and gives us the insight and courage to help each other.

Its easy to feel alone and that you are the only one, especially in cultures and country's where intimacy of any kind is frowned upon. But take heart from the fact that you are surrounded by others no matter what part of the globe you are from that are fighting the same fight.

The really important thing HK, is that you feel good about yourself...remember that you are embarking on a journey here...one that will take some time and some patience...but its a journey that leads to freedom and ultimately your happiness. Being gay is just one piece to the complex puzzle that makes you who you are...its important for sure but it doesn't change the real you.

Take your time to appreciate yourself...your values, your integrity, your compassion and your ability to love and be loved by those around you, your openness, your honesty...and your vulnerability. They are all the things that really make you who you are...those are the strengths that you possess and those are the things that people around you love you for. And know that none of them will ever change. Thats the real you.

Being gay is just another chapter in your book, another layer. You have nothing to hide from and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You can hold your head high because being gay doesnt change you. It completes you.

Take your time with it HK...you are amongst friends here. You'll have questions and sometimes just need an ear. You are part of a community, part of a group. You are not alone as you start to accept the real soul you are...you never will be.

One step at a time,one day at a time. Just be sure to remember that you are still the same person you always were. Your self acceptance changes nothing.

Trust yourself and know that you are a special guy...the rest will be easy.

 

[keinetic]

thanks tallguy. it really does make me feel better. and i finally realise that i'm not alone. all this while i've been keeping myself away from the outside world. i always thought i'm weird in some ways and i care too much about what others think of me. i ended up growing up to everyone's expectation. i think it's time for me to live for myself

thanks guys for the support and i'm starting to accept myself bit by bit. oh and btw, you guys can call me kei instead of hk ( lex - is this why you thought i come from hong kong? )

Kei

 

[G-Lexington]

Hey, what other clue did I have?

Lex

 

[keinetic]

That's actually the short form of my name. i never knew the username will be used as the forum name and i can't change it