So where to begin? (I apologize for the length, it took on a life of its own)
I have a difficult time opening up and being personal, but the internet often allows people to drop their concerns about doing so because its less judgmental and there is little worry of the effect that your revelation might cause amongst those around you. This is something that has plagued me forever, but I’m getting better at it.
I think I knew I was gay/bi-sexual at a very early age. I say both, because while I am generally attracted more to males, I still am attracted to some females, but if I were to hae to classify myself (I don’t like classifications), it would tend to be more gay than bisexual. Anyways, that being said, during high school, I generally limited myself to dating girls. I think I had three relationships during high school, all of different length and seriousness. I lost my virginity to my first “serious” girlfriend in high school. Although I was attracted to other guys, I generally kept those feelings to myself and rarely if ever mentioned them aloud. I grew up in a fairly conservative place (although not with a conservative family), so there was little opportunity to truly explore that side of my life without serious repercussions. I played football and powerlifted my entire high school career, so there was also the peer pressure of dating and all that other jazz. Plus, I knew pretty much everyone, and there was a real lack of an actual gay/bi/lesbian community where I grew up. Luckily enough, my best friend has been supportive of me for a long time, and made it easier to discuss things with.
This as well as my experience with my third girlfriend really killed my ability to open up and be personal, so to speak. It was until recently, at a friend’s wedding, that I actually opened up to her and let her know just how much she hurt me. You see, what I went through with her, basically made me celebate during college. And it was totally by choice. There were several circumstances for me to have relationships during college, and I just let them pass me by because I was scared of getting hurt again. One of the worst things that happened to me in college, was a phone call from my stepmother during my sophomore year. A little pretext to this call – a friend of mine, lesbian for what it matters, had started attending the same university I went to, and we hung out a lot. Her parents and my parents were extremely good friends and talked quite a bit. While I never actually told her, I know she knew I was bi, and we often talked a lot about her experiences in dealing with her parents when she came out. Her mother was never very supportive of her, and when her dad passed away that same year, everything hit the fan.
Anyways back to phone call – my stepmother rings me up, drunk as she usually was, and was oddly quiet and distant from me. Finally she blurts out, “are you gay?”. Of course, faced with a public outing, I panicked, quickly denied, got angry, demanded to know who was telling her these “lies” and basically forced everything out into the open. My lesbian friend’s mother had apparently been spreading the rumor around because I hung around with her daughter, and apparently she felt the need to make herself feel better about having a gay child by doing it to someone else. Regardless, this kind of crap happened a lot where I came from (big rumor mill, glad I’m gone from it). I was so shaken up, I had to walk across the dorm to my best friend’s room, and basically talk myself away from crying. It was an absolutely horrible experience – mainly because I knew I had lied. Up until that point, I had always been a person who deeply respects the notion that a person’s love life and orientation is their own business, and they shouldn’t be parading it around for everyone to see.
Something odd happened though. I called my dad back about an hour after all this happened. My dad and I are basically carbon copies of each other, save my views on religion/sexual orientation. We start talking and I mention what had happened with my stepmother. And of course, I should have known what he was going to ask. “Well are you?” I told him that I was attracted to both sexes. He didn’t stutter or anything, and asked “have you had sex with both?” I said, no only females. He started to mention that maybe I just wasn’t a sexual person and that I was a bit confused because of it, but I reiterated that I knew what I was to him. Without missing a beat , he basically said that it was my decision and that he didn’t care either way, but warned me that the rest of my family probably wouldn’t take the revelation as well and to be ready when you want to let them know about it. I was oddly surprised at his quick acceptance, and I am pretty sure that he knew before then (though I am sure he was probably somewhat elated by my telling him that I was attracted to both, rather than just males).
During college, I basically surrounded myself with the same type of friends that I had in high school, and only my best friend knew about my sexual orientation. I never dated in college, only had a quick fling with a co-worker, who again was female. A lot of it was due to lack of options. I went from a conservative town to a more conservative town, where there just wasn’t a large gay/bi/lesbian presence. I hung around with my girlfriend from back home on occasion, but she was having her own sexual orientation crisis because of her mother at the time, so it made it hard to be open and talk about common problems we faced. So basically, college, which is most people’s most liberating experience in the world, was my most closeting experience in the world. I pushed myself deeper and deeper in, determining that I wasn’t going to come out, and prepared myself to live a straight/loner’s life.
Fast forward a bit to after I graduated college. I worked for my stepmother’s company for two summers as an intern, learning all kinds of useful manufacturing stuff, while I was preparing to attend law school. I got drunk on the 4th of July one year, and blurted out the fact that I was bi (I was still clinging to this at the time) to a cousin of mine. Up until this point, I had no reason not to trust my cousin, and generally got along great with her. Well, not two weeks after that, my cousin was kicked out of our house, for reasons not explained to me. My parents separated that same summer, and I found out from my dad, that the cousin had apparently told a coworker of mine about my secret, and that there were questions at work about it. My stepmother was so angry at my cousin, that she kicked her out of the house. Same conversation came up, and my dad basically reiterated the same stuff we had talked about before. I never really spoke to my stepmother about it, and I basically told my cousin that I never wanted to talk to her again. (we still do not talk). I think I’m a hypocrite for refusing to speak with her, but I’m still pretty hurt about the whole situation, especially considering the fact that I explained to her my difficulty in coming to terms with it, my college experiences and pushing myself deeper and deeper into the closet because of it.
So again, I pushed myself deeper and deeper in, pretty much deciding to focus on school and worry about that, rather than my love interests. I ended up going to law school, in an even MORE conservative town than where I went to college. Absolutely none of my friends that I go to school with or roommate with, have the slightest inkling that I’m bi, and I pretty much do everything to maintain that façade, hoping that once I move to a better part of the state with more options that I can become myself. Just kind of a grin and bear it attitude right now. However, I’ve started to question this approach and have kind of taken some steps to move out of my shell, so to speak:
1) I found out recently that one of my good online friends is gay. I’ve known him for a while, and you can say that hes the only same sex-sexual experience I’ve ever hard (if you consider webcamming/phone sex anything). Curiously enough, this experience happened during the time I was in college, and when he still considered himself straight and with a girlfriend. His coming out to me meant a lot, and helped me move a bit closer to where I am today. Its nice to actually have someone to talk to about the whole thing. He is pretty much the only person that knows I'm gay (I've yet to clarify the gay/bi thing to my best friend)
2) Another one of my friends, European no less, has been extremely supportive since I’ve came out to him. This makes three total of my friends (only one that I know in real life) that know of my sexual orientation, although they are differing in their levels of knowledge. Regardless, its given me more strength to possibly tell even more people.
3) I’ve started getting back into shape by going to a local gym. I’ve lost somewhere between 30-40 lbs since July this summer, and am now down to the weight that I powerlifted in high school. I think that my slight overweight frame kind of killed my self-esteem during college, but I think it was a promulgation of my inner “closet yourself more” persona. If you will – “No one will be attracted to you if you are fat, therefore you don’t have to worry about dating” kind of thing.
With all of these changes, I am wondering if it is now time to take a next step towards de-closeting myself – by joining an online community with profiles, etc. I’m really needing the community aspect and the ability to communicate with other people that are like me. Its something that I’ve sorely lacked over the years, and its hampered my ability to come to terms with who I am. However, I’m not quite sure I can bring myself to do it just yet. My biggest fear, is that it will somehow affect my career at the present time. As I said, I am a law student, in a conservative area/state, and am quite afraid that something like this might damage job opportunities. Second, I’m afraid of the affect it might have on some existing friend relationships. I have quite a few friends (some close ones) that will probably drop me like a bad habit when they find out. I am not sure, in my self-esteem state right now, that I can handle that.
But I’m about damn ready to just say screw it all and take the leap. I think that posting this, and opening myself up for criticism and advice, might be just what I need to give me the support to finally get myself fully out in the open (at least to everyone but certain members of my family). I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for by making this – perhaps just finally posting it up for someone else besides myself to know will help me reach that point of being comfortable in my own skin. Regardless, its here for what it is. I guess the biggest questions I have are –
Are my fears unfounded?
Am I just using them as an excuse to keep myself hunkered down?
How have other people handled being in such conservative areas without a lot of opportunity to be themselves?
I've lurked around her for long enough knowing that I'll receive supportive and critical replies so I'm ready for it. Have at me
I have a difficult time opening up and being personal, but the internet often allows people to drop their concerns about doing so because its less judgmental and there is little worry of the effect that your revelation might cause amongst those around you. This is something that has plagued me forever, but I’m getting better at it.
I think I knew I was gay/bi-sexual at a very early age. I say both, because while I am generally attracted more to males, I still am attracted to some females, but if I were to hae to classify myself (I don’t like classifications), it would tend to be more gay than bisexual. Anyways, that being said, during high school, I generally limited myself to dating girls. I think I had three relationships during high school, all of different length and seriousness. I lost my virginity to my first “serious” girlfriend in high school. Although I was attracted to other guys, I generally kept those feelings to myself and rarely if ever mentioned them aloud. I grew up in a fairly conservative place (although not with a conservative family), so there was little opportunity to truly explore that side of my life without serious repercussions. I played football and powerlifted my entire high school career, so there was also the peer pressure of dating and all that other jazz. Plus, I knew pretty much everyone, and there was a real lack of an actual gay/bi/lesbian community where I grew up. Luckily enough, my best friend has been supportive of me for a long time, and made it easier to discuss things with.
This as well as my experience with my third girlfriend really killed my ability to open up and be personal, so to speak. It was until recently, at a friend’s wedding, that I actually opened up to her and let her know just how much she hurt me. You see, what I went through with her, basically made me celebate during college. And it was totally by choice. There were several circumstances for me to have relationships during college, and I just let them pass me by because I was scared of getting hurt again. One of the worst things that happened to me in college, was a phone call from my stepmother during my sophomore year. A little pretext to this call – a friend of mine, lesbian for what it matters, had started attending the same university I went to, and we hung out a lot. Her parents and my parents were extremely good friends and talked quite a bit. While I never actually told her, I know she knew I was bi, and we often talked a lot about her experiences in dealing with her parents when she came out. Her mother was never very supportive of her, and when her dad passed away that same year, everything hit the fan.
Anyways back to phone call – my stepmother rings me up, drunk as she usually was, and was oddly quiet and distant from me. Finally she blurts out, “are you gay?”. Of course, faced with a public outing, I panicked, quickly denied, got angry, demanded to know who was telling her these “lies” and basically forced everything out into the open. My lesbian friend’s mother had apparently been spreading the rumor around because I hung around with her daughter, and apparently she felt the need to make herself feel better about having a gay child by doing it to someone else. Regardless, this kind of crap happened a lot where I came from (big rumor mill, glad I’m gone from it). I was so shaken up, I had to walk across the dorm to my best friend’s room, and basically talk myself away from crying. It was an absolutely horrible experience – mainly because I knew I had lied. Up until that point, I had always been a person who deeply respects the notion that a person’s love life and orientation is their own business, and they shouldn’t be parading it around for everyone to see.
Something odd happened though. I called my dad back about an hour after all this happened. My dad and I are basically carbon copies of each other, save my views on religion/sexual orientation. We start talking and I mention what had happened with my stepmother. And of course, I should have known what he was going to ask. “Well are you?” I told him that I was attracted to both sexes. He didn’t stutter or anything, and asked “have you had sex with both?” I said, no only females. He started to mention that maybe I just wasn’t a sexual person and that I was a bit confused because of it, but I reiterated that I knew what I was to him. Without missing a beat , he basically said that it was my decision and that he didn’t care either way, but warned me that the rest of my family probably wouldn’t take the revelation as well and to be ready when you want to let them know about it. I was oddly surprised at his quick acceptance, and I am pretty sure that he knew before then (though I am sure he was probably somewhat elated by my telling him that I was attracted to both, rather than just males).
During college, I basically surrounded myself with the same type of friends that I had in high school, and only my best friend knew about my sexual orientation. I never dated in college, only had a quick fling with a co-worker, who again was female. A lot of it was due to lack of options. I went from a conservative town to a more conservative town, where there just wasn’t a large gay/bi/lesbian presence. I hung around with my girlfriend from back home on occasion, but she was having her own sexual orientation crisis because of her mother at the time, so it made it hard to be open and talk about common problems we faced. So basically, college, which is most people’s most liberating experience in the world, was my most closeting experience in the world. I pushed myself deeper and deeper in, determining that I wasn’t going to come out, and prepared myself to live a straight/loner’s life.
Fast forward a bit to after I graduated college. I worked for my stepmother’s company for two summers as an intern, learning all kinds of useful manufacturing stuff, while I was preparing to attend law school. I got drunk on the 4th of July one year, and blurted out the fact that I was bi (I was still clinging to this at the time) to a cousin of mine. Up until this point, I had no reason not to trust my cousin, and generally got along great with her. Well, not two weeks after that, my cousin was kicked out of our house, for reasons not explained to me. My parents separated that same summer, and I found out from my dad, that the cousin had apparently told a coworker of mine about my secret, and that there were questions at work about it. My stepmother was so angry at my cousin, that she kicked her out of the house. Same conversation came up, and my dad basically reiterated the same stuff we had talked about before. I never really spoke to my stepmother about it, and I basically told my cousin that I never wanted to talk to her again. (we still do not talk). I think I’m a hypocrite for refusing to speak with her, but I’m still pretty hurt about the whole situation, especially considering the fact that I explained to her my difficulty in coming to terms with it, my college experiences and pushing myself deeper and deeper into the closet because of it.
So again, I pushed myself deeper and deeper in, pretty much deciding to focus on school and worry about that, rather than my love interests. I ended up going to law school, in an even MORE conservative town than where I went to college. Absolutely none of my friends that I go to school with or roommate with, have the slightest inkling that I’m bi, and I pretty much do everything to maintain that façade, hoping that once I move to a better part of the state with more options that I can become myself. Just kind of a grin and bear it attitude right now. However, I’ve started to question this approach and have kind of taken some steps to move out of my shell, so to speak:
1) I found out recently that one of my good online friends is gay. I’ve known him for a while, and you can say that hes the only same sex-sexual experience I’ve ever hard (if you consider webcamming/phone sex anything). Curiously enough, this experience happened during the time I was in college, and when he still considered himself straight and with a girlfriend. His coming out to me meant a lot, and helped me move a bit closer to where I am today. Its nice to actually have someone to talk to about the whole thing. He is pretty much the only person that knows I'm gay (I've yet to clarify the gay/bi thing to my best friend)
2) Another one of my friends, European no less, has been extremely supportive since I’ve came out to him. This makes three total of my friends (only one that I know in real life) that know of my sexual orientation, although they are differing in their levels of knowledge. Regardless, its given me more strength to possibly tell even more people.
3) I’ve started getting back into shape by going to a local gym. I’ve lost somewhere between 30-40 lbs since July this summer, and am now down to the weight that I powerlifted in high school. I think that my slight overweight frame kind of killed my self-esteem during college, but I think it was a promulgation of my inner “closet yourself more” persona. If you will – “No one will be attracted to you if you are fat, therefore you don’t have to worry about dating” kind of thing.
With all of these changes, I am wondering if it is now time to take a next step towards de-closeting myself – by joining an online community with profiles, etc. I’m really needing the community aspect and the ability to communicate with other people that are like me. Its something that I’ve sorely lacked over the years, and its hampered my ability to come to terms with who I am. However, I’m not quite sure I can bring myself to do it just yet. My biggest fear, is that it will somehow affect my career at the present time. As I said, I am a law student, in a conservative area/state, and am quite afraid that something like this might damage job opportunities. Second, I’m afraid of the affect it might have on some existing friend relationships. I have quite a few friends (some close ones) that will probably drop me like a bad habit when they find out. I am not sure, in my self-esteem state right now, that I can handle that.
But I’m about damn ready to just say screw it all and take the leap. I think that posting this, and opening myself up for criticism and advice, might be just what I need to give me the support to finally get myself fully out in the open (at least to everyone but certain members of my family). I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for by making this – perhaps just finally posting it up for someone else besides myself to know will help me reach that point of being comfortable in my own skin. Regardless, its here for what it is. I guess the biggest questions I have are –
Are my fears unfounded?
Am I just using them as an excuse to keep myself hunkered down?
How have other people handled being in such conservative areas without a lot of opportunity to be themselves?
I've lurked around her for long enough knowing that I'll receive supportive and critical replies so I'm ready for it. Have at me
