Still depressed 8 months after a breakup, as an adult. How have you overcome pain like that?

[fallinlove]

how long were you together? It makes a difference---had one big break up from a moderately long term thing---took me a year to get over it---but I was getting out there and hooking up after about 6 months--you will be ok ---just get back into the game.

Three years. I tried hooking up here and there. I literally thought of the ex every second. Including last night's hookup. thanks for the advice though

 

[fallinlove]

^ I note that he is in therapy several times a week.

I'm thinking that either the therapist is shit or the OP is holding back if there has been no progress at all.

I would use the time in therapy going out and finding an organization to volunteer with or an activity to become involved with where I would meet new, interesting people...and not just hunting for the next potential husband.

I have know a number of people during my lifetime who clung to their hurt and loss like a liferaft because they were afraid to try to swim to shore.

I'm really taking the therapy sessions seriously and I'm putting full trust in the process. It's psychotherapy on a couch 4 times a week. I don't know if the therapist is good or bad, but we've been together for a few months now. It is frustrating that I still find the breakup so difficult with no improvement. I am sharing all my feelings with the therapist and I do most of the talking. Maybe it's the psychoanalysis that's the problem? Maybe I need cognitive therapy? I have no clue. It's really hard to switch therapists. How exactly should I discern if it's good or bad, and how can I get more of this current therapy?

 

[rareboy]

Well if you think that you are not holding back and that the therapist is working with you to help you move beyond this...then I guess you should stick with them.

But have you even set this as a goal for yourself?

Or is therapy more about picking at the scab....a way for you to keep dwelling on the failure of your relationship?

Obviously we aren't qualified therapists and don't know your whole life story....but maybe you are still only at the stage in therapy of trying to identify the root causes of your issues all the way back into childhood.

 

[NotHardUp1]

You should ask some others who have therapists who they use.

Multiple times per week is simply not normal at all. Even people institutionalized don't get that.

Literally, suicide attempt patients don't undergo four times a week.

Who could possibly afford four times per week? No insurance even comes close to covering that.

As stated earlier, the fact that your therapist is allowing this instead of moving you on to someone who can help you is very worrying to those of us who have had therapy. No, we're not doctors, but this is so extraordinary.

You're not coping well at all, and yet you've been in therapy constantly. What is the goal of the therapy? It doesn't appear to be improvement. No one is questioning your commitment to the therapy, only the wisdom of the professional who is responsible for the treatment.

What kind of work do you do? Are you currently employed?

 

[mikey3000]

I tried to get back with him 6 months ago and it didn't work. He wanted to move on. I do believe that sometimes time apart makes people stronger as they work on their faults, and it can make a relationship even stronger. He doesn't believe so.

I truly am sorry for your pain. These cheesy words actually seem so true in your case:
"If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it is yours.
If it doesn't, it never really was."

If someone gives up so easily on a relatopnship, I suspect he was no longer really in it anyway, and it might've been only a matter of time until he dumped you. Be good to yourself, lick your wounds, cry, then pick yourself up, get a new hair cut, reinvent yourself, and get back on that horse.

 

[willhunt]

I'm really taking the therapy sessions seriously and I'm putting full trust in the process. It's psychotherapy on a couch 4 times a week. I don't know if the therapist is good or bad, but we've been together for a few months now. It is frustrating that I still find the breakup so difficult with no improvement. I am sharing all my feelings with the therapist and I do most of the talking. Maybe it's the psychoanalysis that's the problem? Maybe I need cognitive therapy? I have no clue. It's really hard to switch therapists. How exactly should I discern if it's good or bad, and how can I get more of this current therapy?

I have a frlend who's a lesbian. It took a couple of years of therapy to accept this. Her therapists were men. She didn't get a grip until she started therapy with a woman. You should consider a male therapist. It would take a bit, but whomever you're seeing is not moving you along. I'm presuming your inner dynamic, but we're in your corner. I've got some scars and when I bump em' it still smarts. jussayin'

 

[ballcaphair]

^ This. Gender is not a deal breaker. Good fit is imperative regardless.

 

[72-Jay]

Friend, I respect your ability to choose for yourself, but I don't think you're made out of spun glass. Being hurt and surviving it is something almost everyone is capable of dealing with. It's a bit like getting a cut. You have to have time to heal, but you don't stop working in the yard.

Give love a chance. Give yourself some credit.

I noted a key word in the above " something almost everyone is capable of" .. for something like heartbreak I truly feel I am one of those outside the 'almost' .
(obviously I can't know for sure either way, never having experienced it, but I'd rather not find out)

Being unloveable prevents me from giving love a chance, but it also prevents heartbreak (so there is some good)..

-----------
I really think some people have something in them where they can cope with being hurt in differing degrees.
Some can just 'get over it' (with basically no problem)
Some will feel pain/heartbreak for awhile & eventually get bast it
Then take the original poster - fallinlove, obviously the poor guy is still hurting & months later.
And somewhere out there there are those who die from a broken heart (note: not suicide, but actually due to the pain/sadness)
I picture myself as being somewhere in-between the last two

 

[fallinlove]

You should ask some others who have therapists who they use.

Multiple times per week is simply not normal at all. Even people institutionalized don't get that.

Literally, suicide attempt patients don't undergo four times a week.

Who could possibly afford four times per week? No insurance even comes close to covering that.

As stated earlier, the fact that your therapist is allowing this instead of moving you on to someone who can help you is very worrying to those of us who have had therapy. No, we're not doctors, but this is so extraordinary.

You're not coping well at all, and yet you've been in therapy constantly. What is the goal of the therapy? It doesn't appear to be improvement. No one is questioning your commitment to the therapy, only the wisdom of the professional who is responsible for the treatment.

What kind of work do you do? Are you currently employed?

Yes I'm currently employed. I was told four times a week is normal for psychotherapy. It's the same price as going twice a week. I really don't want to start doubting the therapy process because then I'll just stop going. My goal is not to feel so down anymore, to stop thinking of him, to stop being so fearful of bumping into him or his family/friends, to not feel like I have no future without him, etc.... I even stopped enjoying eating, sleeping and having sex. And all I want is to get back together with him. I don't know if my failure to get better is my fault or the therapist's fault.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Please don't think in terms of fault. Think in terms of what is working or not.

How long have you been going? I think most of us may be laboring under the misperception that you've been at it for 8 mos.

 

[KaraBulut]

Please don't think in terms of fault. Think in terms of what is working or not.

How long have you been going? I think most of us may be laboring under the misperception that you've been at it for 8 mos.

And additional questions:

1. When you started the therapy, did the therapist talk about goals for your therapy and does he/she periodically discuss where you are with those goals?
2. From the time you started therapy to today, do you feel like you've made progress?

 

[mikey3000]

I noted a key word in the above " something almost everyone is capable of" .. for something like heartbreak I truly feel I am one of those outside the 'almost' .
(obviously I can't know for sure either way, never having experienced it, but I'd rather not find out)

Being unloveable prevents me from giving love a chance, but it also prevents heartbreak (so there is some good)..

-----------
I really think some people have something in them where they can cope with being hurt in differing degrees.
Some can just 'get over it' (with basically no problem)
Some will feel pain/heartbreak for awhile & eventually get bast it
Then take the original poster - fallinlove, obviously the poor guy is still hurting & months later.
And somewhere out there there are those who die from a broken heart (note: not suicide, but actually due to the pain/sadness)
I picture myself as being somewhere in-between the last two

You do realize that being "unlovable" is not something to brag about. That you have convinced yourself that you are unlovable is an extremely serious issue all on its own, not something to flaunt.

 

[72-Jay]

You do realize that being "unlovable" is not something to brag about.

Wasn't trying to brag about it, though it may well have come across that way

 

[NotHardUp1]

And additional questions:

1. When you started the therapy, did the therapist talk about goals for your therapy and does he/she periodically discuss where you are with those goals?
2. From the time you started therapy to today, do you feel like you've made progress?

The time I was in therapy was only a few months. I had made a suicide attempt and knew it was all from my job. It didn't involve any emergency room or crisis that was public. My therapist immediately realized I was not a danger to myself once I had gotten over the phase of toying with death.

We both knew my need was to sever with my employer and start over somewhere else, not in the Northeast. She actually faulted me for giving a co-worker too much understanding for all the drama he caused in the team and in my stress. As soon as I got back to Albuquerque, I tried to return to the original counselor for just good measure, but I could tell it was causing stress instead of solving anything.

I made immediate progress those three months back in 2016 & 2017. My new employer overworks me, but it isn't stressful like I experienced in the former job.

 

[Thad1527]

I can give good temporary helps. Take a walk. Change your routine. Smell something you like, be it perfume, foods, fruit or flowers .

 

[fallinlove]

And additional questions:

1. When you started the therapy, did the therapist talk about goals for your therapy and does he/she periodically discuss where you are with those goals?
2. From the time you started therapy to today, do you feel like you've made progress?

I do begin to realize things about myself that I should improve in my life, so I guess that's helpful. But the feeling of being so distraught and down after so many months because of the breakup is not going away and not getting better. I don't know if therapy should have fixed that by now, or if I just need more time to get over it.

My goal was to be happy. That hasn't happened...

 

[rareboy]

I think you need a different approach to therapy.

To be blunt, if you aren't seeing any improvement in being distraught and down after 4 sessions a week for this long, and it doesn't appear that you or your therapists have any real 'concrete' goals for your therapy, I think the time has come to be honest.

Therapy is really just your opportunity to wallow in the past and not work on your future.

As I indicated, if you have a wagon load of shit to fix going back to childhood...I get that it could be a long process, but in my experience, brief, intense psychotherapy should be totally about developing coping skills at the same time as self understanding.

 

[NotHardUp1]

I do begin to realize things about myself that I should improve in my life, so I guess that's helpful.

My goal was to be happy. That hasn't happened...

Why not practice that transition here? There are plenty of threads that are about fun things, a whole fun & games forum, and frisky ones too.

Maybe discipline yourself to make conversation here, and avoid introspection for those times, and then practice the same offline.

 

[KaraBulut]

I do begin to realize things about myself that I should improve in my life, so I guess that's helpful. But the feeling of being so distraught and down after so many months because of the breakup is not going away and not getting better. I don't know if therapy should have fixed that by now, or if I just need more time to get over it.

My goal was to be happy. That hasn't happened...

I think you need a different approach to therapy.

To be blunt, if you aren't seeing any improvement in being distraught and down after 4 sessions a week for this long, and it doesn't appear that you or your therapists have any real 'concrete' goals for your therapy, I think the time has come to be honest.

Ironically, finding the right therapist can be like finding the right life partner. It's really okay to break up with your therapist if the two of you aren't compatible and you don't feel like you're making progress.

The other thing to know is that different therapists have different styles. There's a group of "client-centered" therapists who are heavy on the "talk therapy" and they let the client "talk it out" and figure things out. There are other therapists who are more structured and work with the client to set goals and have a much more structured, goal-oriented therapeutic approach.

I have known people who saw their therapist more than 2 times a week but they were in an acute crisis and were avoiding inpatient admission. Four times is a lot and it's particularly a lot if you're not making progress and you're still suffering this much.

My suggestion: have a frank discussion with your therapist. Discuss what you feel has been constructive and what you feel has been helpful. Also discuss your frustrations and areas where you feel like you're not making progress. From that discussion, you and the therapist need to decide whether the therapist can adjust his/her style to help you meet your goals. If the therapist isn't the right therapist, then ask for a referral to another therapist who is better able to help you.

 

[Telstra]

I'm absolutely surprised that 8 months after a breakup from a long-term relationship, I'm still totally depressed about it, constantly thinking of him, and simply cannot move on. It's taken over my whole life.

We were both in our late 30's, we really wanted to move forward and get married, but for various reasons we broke up (primarily because we were both fearful that we were not a 'perfect' match. It was a mistake and I blame myself too. The quality of the sex was sometimes an issue for me, yet it bothered me more than it should have). I wanted to get back together, yet he wanted to move on. He's a super nice, trustworthy guy with a great job and great family/social life. It's such a loss for me. We got along very well and cared for each other deeply. I'm scared he will find someone new and I will lose any chance I have to get back together. I miss him so darn much.

We have had no contact this whole time, yet I see that he's totally moving on, made lots of new gay friends, is having the time of his life (i know, social media sucks and I should stop eavesdropping, but I can't). It's killing me that he's doing so well. I've tried to put myself out there and meet new people, I'm in therapy several times a week and I've been hitting the gym regularly. But nothing helps. I even fear leaving my own house and going out because i'm afraid to bump into him. We don't live far from each other. It's terrible....

How have you guys overcome such pain? Time is clearly not healing this wound

Question for you guys ...
Is it a good idea to copy and text this post to him ? why or why not ?