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Still no luck - just need to vent!

L

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I posted here about a year ago about never really having any friends and of course, never a boyfriend or even a date for that matter - well, I took some steps on changing my situation - I signed up for a few online dating sites, paid some fees, filled out my profile(s), added pictures and was really looking forward to starting my life! Well, in that time, I sent messages out to many guys, and not just "Hi, sup?" - I actually took time to read their profile and find things we had in common and tried to start a conversation - not one guy ever responded to me. Ok, I get it - I'm not the most attractive guy in the world - but I wasn't sending messages to men who looked like models - I knew better and steered clear of the guys with great looks and shirtless photos - I know i'm not in the same league as them so I wasn't going to waste my time. I also changed my profile around a little, tried not to add much detail the second time around - still nothing. The guys I send messages to receive them, and then visit my profile and....nothing. I don't even know what to do anymore but I guess my confidence has really taken a hit.

So maybe your wondering about the messages I've received? I did get a few - just a few and while I wasn't super attracted to them, I still wanted to get to know each of them - well, after a few messages they disappeared.

I have days where this stuff doesn't bother me, and then days where I feel like the clock is ticking! I'm so uncomfortable with the fact that I have had zero adult encounters - no dates, no sex, no nothing and that if it ever does happen, I'm going to look ridiculous! I am a really late starter - didn't even admit to myself that I was gay and OK with it until my mid twenties but never dreamed of going online and finding someone - I had some body issues/weight issues and still do (I'm under 200 pounds though), but I've told myself that it doesn't mean that I shouldn't have a relationship and there's gotta be someone out there for me. I'm 33 now, sad to say.

I just feel like i'm missing out as I see people living "normal" lives and I can't even get a "Hi" out of someone.

Ideally, I'd like to give up on this whole online dating thing - it's all very visual - and maybe I'm not cut out for it - maybe I'm better in person - god I hope so! Of course, I don't see myself going to a bar or club alone and that's not even really my scene in the first place - although it might be fun - I'd be uncomfortable alone.

I guess i'm just looking for a place to vent and some people to talk to - if any advice can be given, that would be nice too!
 
It good to vent especially if can be be matter of fact. I came out in my 30s after being married to a woman and having two children. My story isn't the same as yours but I also had a difficult time finding guys who were interested. What finally turned the corner for me was finding gay friends. It helped a lot making friends with guys who were fun and knew their way around. Feel free to message me anytime.
 
I understand how you feel. I'm not in the same situation but I've had trouble having friends and dating; most recently hook-ups have become rare, too.
As Seasoned has pointed out, having gay friends is a good idea, but the good ones are hard to find... just like straight, bi or whatever.
Message me if you wanna talk.(*8*)
 
In the evolution of gay dating, the gay dating sites have become less useful since the trend has moved more toward phone apps and NSA sex encounters. When meeting people via social websites or phone apps, it's far too easy to blow people off and too easy to be at the mercy of the other person's in-the-moment priorities.

The best way to meet people is still meeting them in person in in-person social situations or through mutual friends where there's less pressure and people are less prone to blow people off.

In the interim, you might want to put some time and effort into yourself- working out and working on your appearance so that you have more confidence in social situations. When you feel better about yourself, these rude behaviors of others are much less wounding.
 
First, I appreciate all the responses. I always sit and wonder where it all went wrong for me. I will say, I don't sit at home and not do anything - I have family but I do feel like the 3rd wheel in certain situations - I also do stuff alone - I have no problem getting on a train and spending the day in NYC and do it frequently, go to concerts, shows, and basically anything that comes along that I want to do. I'm quite active - I exercise 4-5 times per week, and *try* to watch what I eat.

I think a good point was made about dating apps being phased out - it's all about quick hookups now, right? I learned the other night that I am not ready for random casual sex. I need someone I can trust - I can't just show up at someones house for my first encounter. I'm way too shy for that - not to mention I'm a little nervous about meeting someone from an app or craigslist for quick sex. Maybe if I was a little more experienced I'd be comfortable with it - but no way could I go through with that yet. I feel as though i'm about 10 years behind where I should be.

I have looked into meet up groups but didn't find anything local that fit my interests. In the meantime, I am done with OKCupid, match.com, plentyoffish....I spent way to many hours looking for something that is just not there for me.

I will try to remain positive and hope one day it will just happen and I won't stop looking for social situations that might help me.

And thank you to Seasoned and PalacePaul for offering me to message you if I need to talk.
 
It's hard making friends yet finding someone to date. I've been in this same situation. What city do you live?
 
LatinCoffee said:
It's hard making friends yet finding someone to date. I've been in this same situation. What city do you live?
Click to expand...

I feel that the older I get, the more difficult it is the find a group - everyone's pretty established.
 
You are right, I feel the same. I don't look for a whole group of friends at this point, just some individuals.
 
I just wanted to update - I'm having some success! Well, we'll see how it goes anyway. I have plans next weekend to spend the day with someone I met online - I hope it works out because I'm really looking forward to it! It's not a date, but i'll take it!
 
^ Best wishes! Hint/tip: try to make an in person meeting or date not so far in the future. A lot can happen even in a week that will cause plans to change. Got a live one? Get him to meet for coffee the next day if you can.
 
Seasoned said:
^ Best wishes! Hint/tip: try to make an in person meeting or date not so far in the future. A lot can happen even in a week that will cause plans to change. Got a live one? Get him to meet for coffee the next day if you can.
Click to expand...

That's very true and I'll keep that in mind....we're actually meeting on the weekend because we don't live close enough for a weeknight date, however we're both willing to do a little traveling to spend the day together. I'm very excited and a little nervous- I know it's just a friend thing, but still

And now I've got an actual date on Friday with someone else....

can't believe my time has finally come! I shouldn't get to excited but I can't help it.
 
Reading this thread makes me happy for you, whoever you are, wherever you are.

I wholeheartedly believe if we do what we can to get ourselves out there, even if it's just waiting patiently for a while, we find who we are meant to find. And not just one, or THE one... But a whole slew of them. Until we turn the corner and find he (or she) who we get to get, for all time.

It's a beautiful thing. But there's a whole path of hurt and struggling and chance and luck and patience (hell, and perseverance) to get there.

Here's to you, man. All the best for you and your future! :D
 
kibunoubu said:
Reading this thread makes me happy for you, whoever you are, wherever you are.

I wholeheartedly believe if we do what we can to get ourselves out there, even if it's just waiting patiently for a while, we find who we are meant to find. And not just one, or THE one... But a whole slew of them. Until we turn the corner and find he (or she) who we get to get, for all time.

It's a beautiful thing. But there's a whole path of hurt and struggling and chance and luck and patience (hell, and perseverance) to get there.

Here's to you, man. All the best for you and your future! :D
Click to expand...

Thank you so much! It's been pretty difficult - I'm not going to lie. The whole online dating this was a huge blow to my self confidence. But, right now if I just make a few friends I think I'll be ok.

I'm going to write back after the weekend about how everything went. Hoping this is where my (social) life begins!
 
So here's my update from the weekend:

Friday night - met the guy, didn't know him long, and ended up having my first gay sexual encounter - OMG, it was great. I mean, we didn't do much, and I felt somewhat guilty for the fact that we just met, but at the same, I thought - I'm 33! it's just time to stop worrying about the perfect setting, the perfect guy, the perfect time, and just DO something - I'm way behind! Maybe i'm just justifying the hook up, but at the same time, if I ever do go further sexually, than I would want to be in a committed relationship - but I guess there's no harm fooling around (safely, of course). The guy was very nice to me - made sure I felt comfortable and that I was OK - I did explain my inexperience but we made it work. I don't regret it - in fact, I can't stop thinking about it!

Saturday was good - long day together - we somewhat hit it off, but probably won't be anymore than just friends - but I need friends, and gay ones at that - so I'm ok with that too.

So that's that - my emotions are pretty crazy at the moment - excited, scared, nervous - just everything. Here's to a brighter social future though.
 
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