still thinking about him...

[timothystone]

First off, hi to everybody here in the forum. I'm new here, so a little info about me and my current situation that's been bugging me: I'm a 21 (soon to be 22) y.o. student. A few months ago I started going out with a guy I met online. At first I was skeptical, because he is 18 and I like more mature and mentally developed guys. I even told him that a few times before we were boyfriends, but he was quite persistent about it, so I decided to give it a try. /he is also quite cute, so that also might have had something to do with it... shallow, i know, but i'm such a sucker for light blue eyes./

Anyway, the first few dates were kinda awkward. I guess he was either very shy, or just not good at conversations. We just looked at each other for most of the time. I was basically trying to think of something, anything to say, just so there is no silence. This usually never happens to me, becasue i have trouble stopping talking, so it was a shock to me. Well, it became clear that our mind-boggling conversations weren't going to be the high-point of our relationship...

The next few times we had a little progress from his side, and he opened up to me about life and things in general and I realised how much we had in common. (He also made it very clear that he liked me a lot.) Our personalities and ways of thinking were very very similar. This happens to me rarely, especially with guys i like, so i was very happy having somone i could relate to. At that point, i thought that it was just a matter of time before we synchronized our wavelenghts. We also were very passionate when it came to intimacy, so that sort of chemistry was all right.

However, a few more weeks passed by, but our conversations and communication hadn't really improved. We were still trying to make smalltalk and fill the awkward silence. Soon after that we broke up /he was the one to break it off/. It's not like i didn't know the end was near, but what torments me is that i know that if it wasn't for the age difference we really had huge potential for something meaningful...

I know that nothing can really happen because we just can't :click:, but in my head i keep thinking "if only....". I try to keep myself distracted, i hang out with friends, read, work, etc. I chat with other guys who are interested in me, but I don't really feel that there is any potential with them for anything. So how the hell do i stop thinking about that stupid kid?!

PS: also, i saw that he has been looking at my profile 4-5 times after we broke up... i know we can't get back together, and even if we do- the result will still be the same.

 

[Seasoned]

I guess I'd text him. "So, with the passion so strong and so much in common, I'm at a loss as to why we couldn't sustain a conversation." Throw that out there and let it go. And welcome to the JUB forums!

 

[castoono]

I wouldn't forget about him so easily. 18 years old is a disease that flies away with time. You like mentally developed guys, but you're not mature either. And what you feel seems pure to me.

 

[redips]

what torments me is that i know that if it wasn't for the age difference we really had huge potential for something meaningful...

3-4 years is hardly ANY age difference at all. That said, perhaps he is still too immature compared to what you're used to, or what you'd like...

Have you figured out what it is that makes your conversations awkward? If you share so many common interests, it can't be that you two lack topics for conversation (it seems). So is it just that he's unwilling to talk much, or does he say things that don't make sense, or is he just shy? How does he handle conversations with other people and his friends?

 

[altlover85]

I don't think it's the age difference (which while not large by any means could be significant because you like older guys and the college years tend to bring with them significant changes) but rather the fact that you two couldn't hold a conversation, which I think would have probably been constant regardless of his age.

I would let it go. You're doing all the right things.

Emailing or texting him might be a good idea if you need some closure.

 

[Georgiadude]

4 years isn't much of an age difference but ones maturity level is what matters more. I've had great conversations with someone in their mid teens and met adults my age (44) that can't carry on anything that resembles an adult conversation. it's just how they are. He either doesn't have the maturity level that your looking for or is too shy and can't get out of his shell. Either way it doesn't sound like you were compatible for a long term relationship. There may have been moments of greatness but those were short lived.

It's hard to move on and just forget about someone. I went through a nasty break up in January and still think of him a lot. It get's easier with time and your doing the right thing by keeping busy. While you may never get him out of your head completely you will be able to put it to rest and move on. Give it some more time and when Mr. right comes along these memories will fade even more. I wouldn't reach out. Your trying to get him out of your head. Not keep bringing it back up over and over again. I know what your going through and it stinks. Just give it some time.

Best of luck.

Steven.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

So how the hell do i stop thinking about that stupid kid?!

Keep doing what you are doing- hang out with friends, read, work, etc. Stop talking with other guys until you get yourself back on your feet. & Also stop looking at how many times he has checked out your profile- Don't login for the time being, or deactivate it for awhile. It's not fair to other guys on these sites looking while you are still attached to the idea of someone, because you aren't in a place yet to give them a fair shake.

Also, I am kind of curious what your "if only...." thoughts were. It's almost as bad as the people wondering how they would spend their lottery winnings, but yet they never play.- My point is you cant always just dream sometimes you need to do something if you would like to really experience reality.- You need to take a shot at something every once and awhile if you like to see if it pans out or not- You need to decide if this guy is a feasible option or not, if you gave him enough chances to get what you want and if he isn't let him live his life out, and move on with yours. If he has potential for something more, and then you need to talk to him and see where things are, and you need to let him know the things that you are unhappy about and see if he's willing to try to make an effort to change those things.

Also, it seems like a very fast paced relationship for one that had poor communication in it, how long was this relationship? A few months? Did you see each other a lot during this time? It just seems like it would have been awkward/uncomfortable to be with someone if they were a challenge to talk with them. He might have been afraid to say something that might scare you away.

Did he actually give you a reason for breaking up? Was his reason the age difference?

We also were very passionate when it came to intimacy, so that sort of chemistry was all right.

Maybe, that was something he was worried about- That it might have just sex, since it was lacking on the intellectual side of the relationship?

&& I don't mean to come off as an asshole, I just think that you need to make up your mind- If this guy can possibly give you what you are looking for right now, and if so then you should talk to him about it (See how he feels, and if he's willing to work on something). && If not, then understand that, accept it, and move on. Wish nothing for, but the best for him, and get yourself back to where you need to be. It's hard to move on because we like to sway on the idea of things. You just got to decide yes or no- Not maybe, what if.

 

[landers]

Well, my best friend stopped thinking about "that guy" by getting back together with him and dragging out the relationship until it resembled a human that was dragged behind a truck for several miles.

 

[timothystone]

Thanks for the replies, guys! Here is some more info that i didn't include, so you can get a better picture of the overall situation.

maybe i didn't express myself the way i wanted about the communication between us, but you hit the nail on the head. he really is just uber shy /i mean, really really really/. on our first date two of his friends came along as a buffer, to which i was kinda surprised. i guess he just doesnt want to draw any attention to himself, which i'm fine with. however, after the first few dates when we got past that 'i'm with a stranger' phase, i should think that he'd feel more comfortable talking to me. as for the common interests ant topics, when i start up a conversation, we start taling about whatever it is, but just sort of common things- not really getting into a deep discussion, thats what i mean. then after that, the dialouge just seems to struggle and die. otherwise, when he is with his friends he acts a little different (trying to come off as bad, which is so not the case), he talks with them, but their conversations aren't really interesting either.
but like i said, what bugs me and keeps me thinking about him is the fact that we are very similar personality-wise and as a way of thinking, but it was just like there is a glass wall between us and nothing can get through.

as for my 'if only thoughts they were basic variations of 'if we were in a different time and place of our lives' things would be different. as for the realtionship, it was just under two months, we saw each other pretty regurlarly 4 times a week /which he wanted, i thought it was a bit too much for our sort of thing, but w/e/.

he's in a realtionship now, at least thats what his FB profile says. i do hope he's happy though. anyway, i have no intentions of texting or calling him because, as he very well put it: 'things just aren't happening between us'. and to try something like that again wouldn't just be very smart or efficient.
again, thanks everybody for the support and advice