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Straight but with crush on guy

M

MiamiMac123

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So I'm in a bit of a predicament right now, and I don't have many people I can to about it. So I thought I'd try this forum and see what advice you all might have.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I define myself as straight, because I am emotionally attracted to girls alone. However, in my past I have had sexual encounters with other guys. I will get aroused at the sight of a naked man, but no more so than I do with a naked woman. I guess some people would call me bisexual because of that, but like I said, I'm strictly attracted to females when it comes to romance and love.

I have this friend (we'll call him Ben). We became friends last year and immediately hit it off. There has always been a unique connection between us. Our friends used to joke around saying we had man crushes on each other and were secretly boyfriends. It was all in good fun.

Well just a week ago, Ben starts coming out to people. Color me surprised! I would have never guessed because he doesn't give any signs of being gay. I'm totally cool with it, and funnily enough, our friendship seems to be getting stronger after he told me. We just spent the whole weekend together and it brought up some interesting things.

I noticed as he was opening his planner that on the front page, my name was written a couple times in cursive, along with his name. Kinda strange. Then I tell him about how this other friend of ours has a crush on Ben now that he's out. I warned him not to act weird around the other guy. His response was "I've known other people to have crushes on me before and I don't act weird. And I don't act weird around people I have a crush on. I mean, I don't act weird around you, do I?" He said it with a bit of a smirk, so it could have been a joke. Or it could have been disguised as a joke to gauge my reaction. Then that same night, we were at his apartment and it was almost 4AM. He got into bed and told me I could stay before then saying I could lay in the bed with him. I did, because we've slept together before several times, and we were watching a movie, so it wasn't a big deal. But it still raises some questions.

My problem now is that I think I may have a crush on him. I get excited everytime he calls or texts me. I get disappointed when he doesn't. I think about him constantly. I over analyze his actions (obviously, lol). And it's strange for me, because I've never felt this way about a guy before. To be honest, I have a hard enough time being friends with guys (the result of very poor father figures), let alone liking one in a romantic way.

So my problem is I don't know how to proceed. Should I say something to him about my own crush, or question him about his? What if he really doesn't even like me. Or what if he does...I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship with a guy...more importantly, I'm not sure I'm ready for the world to know I'm dating a guy. It's all so confusing.

Another issue I should probably explain is that he apparently saw on my laptop that I had visited Sean Cody About a month ago, he confronted me about it by pulling a video up on his laptop. I acted like I didn't know what it was and denied everything. I should have found it odd that he had what looked like 3 videos on his Limewire. And sure enough, I found out that he was trying to tell me that night that he was gay. I feel like I should have a conversation with him about that, if for nothing else than to make sure he isn't going to tell anyone else that he found gay porn on my computer. And who knows...maybe that could lead into talking about us.

Sorry this is so long, just want to give all the information. I appreciate any advice!
 
I think you should probaby just come clean to him and talk to him about all the things you said here....

But secondly can you please explain something to me....How is it that someone can be emotionally straight but attracted sexually to men....It doesnt seem right to me..

Isnt Emotional attraction about the person regardless of sex....for example there is a couple of girls i am emotionally attracted to and if i was sexually attracted to them as well all would be good...


Sorry for the de rail but i got the same thing from a friend the other week...He came over watched gay porn and got off and i gave him head and when he was explaining himself he said well i am emotionally attracted to girls...wtf does this mean?

Does it mean that he is probably bi and just not willing to come out or get involved with a guy when there is an easier route as in settle down with a girl?
 
He's attracted to you.

You're attracted to him.

You genuinely like each other.

He's gay.

You're bi.

Normally, I would say, "...and the problem is...?". But the we know the problem- that you're willing to hookup with guys but you only want relationships with girls.

That opens two possibilities if you get physical with your friend.
  1. You'll consider him a fuckbuddy but he's going to want a relationship from you.
  2. You're going to get more emotionally involved with a guy than you want and more than you are ready to accept.

Either way, it's a big risk to your friendship.

If you're not going to be open to a relationship with a guy then you're probably better off just being friends.
 
I think the signs are pretty obvious that you both are into each other. So I don't see the problem. Just hit it off :p

And btw sorry but straight guys don't visit sean cody LOL. ;)

I doubt straight guys even know what sean cody is.
 
All bisexual men try to pull that I'm only emotionally attracted to women shit, but it never works. It just amounts to trying to appease society's expectations. It sounds to me like you guys have something that might work out really well, so you should go for it.
 
I am gay...duh! Most of my guy friends are straight. I think you could have a crush on your friend, whether you want to make it sexual is up to you. If you sleep with your friend it could cost you your friendship, unless it turns more emotional for you. Sometimes you want to sleep with someone and when it's reciprocated it's hard to say no. It's your decision, good luck with whatever you decide on.
 
Life is short. It's time for you to explore your feelings and take a chance. Play around with him & flirt. This is a good time for a pillowfight. Great things come from a good wrestling match when your alone with him. Have fun and don't take it so seriously. Keep us updated!
 
Time is a horrible thing to waste. Don't live with regrets....if you really ready then explore this...the worse that might happen is that you find you dont like it right.
 
I don't act weird around you, do I?
Click to expand...

Honestly speaking, I wouldn't take that wholly as a joke, well, it is, but at the same time, he might be hinting something else....

Anyway, back to the topic, I'd personally say you're bi, though you say that you're not 'emotionally' attracted to guys....... though somehow I'm not able to imagine that feeling....

But all in all, I'll have to say the same... that if you're ready, just try to go with your feelings.... from your statement, I think that it's quite impossible that he doesn't 'like' you, maybe not to THAT extent, but I'm sure he does enjoy being with you.... just the way you do with him.

So.... Good Luck
 
Thanks everyone for your responses!

Let me try to explain my sexuality. When I say I'm strictly romantically attracted to girls, I mean that I just don't look at guys in a romantic way. And it's not about adhering to social norms or whatever. It's just the way that I feel. Like I said, I have a hard time even being friends with other guys. My dad left when I was two, and the two stepfathers I've had were horrible, abusive father figures. I was basically raised by my mom and sister. Because of that, I'm more feminine than the average straight male, which sometimes makes it difficult to relate to them. It's kinda hard to explain, but I just feel uncomfortable in the presence of most men, gay or straight.

My entire life, I've only had romantic feelings for girls. It's not a choice, it's just the way it is. That's what makes this most confusing, because it's the first time I've had feelings for a guy in my 22 years on this earth.

As for the sexual side. I guess you could say I was sexually abused as a child. I never thought of it as abuse, because it was consensual, but looking back, I was way too young to make that decision. And because of that experience, I grew up thinking sex with guys was perfectly normal (and when I say sex, I mean up to oral, I've never had anal sex, and I really don't have a desire to at the present).

My views on sexuality in general are a little unique anyway. I don't think having gay experiences makes you gay. I don't like the idea of grouping people in only 3 set groups (straight, bi, and gay). I prefer the Kinsey scale that is more of a spectrum. And I do believe that we fall in love with people despite of gender. Gender is just another preference, like whether you like blonds or brunettes. But you can't help who you have feelings for.

I don't know if any of that made sense, lol. I'll try to explain more if you have questions.
 
My advice would be: Explore your curiousity toward him. Most importantly more than anything else, be true to yourself. I was told that I was gay by a straight guy and denied it to myself, that was a major mistake. It set me up for a mental breakdown when I came out 19 years ago. In my opinion you are bicurious, try to become more intimate with a gay friend that you trust, first. I say start by telling him that you are curious about m to m sexual encounters.
 
If you fall in love with people despite of gender, then why are you so set on only having romantic feelings for girls? I understand that if you've only had those feelings for girls in the past and so the present situation is confusing....but the confusion is actually hesitation and unwilling to accept that those feelings can exist for a man for you.

Just be honest with yourself and how you feel. The world will still be the same place :)
 
I'm sure you're right. It's not so much that I'm against a relationship with a guy. It's just all new to me. I have the belief of love despite gender because of observations I've made with others. To be honest, my first introduction to this concept came from watching Willow and Tara's relationship blossom on Buffy, haha. I was in 7th grade at the time.

I guess my real hesitation comes from 2 things. Fear of how he'll react if I express my feelings. And moreso fear of how everyone else will react. I come from a small, narrowminded state and town. I worry about how my family and friends would react if I told them I was dating a guy. And none of them would understand that I'm not really gay (whether you think I'm bi or just pansexual, I maintain that I'm not 100% gay).
 
You don't have to make an announcement because you tried fooling around with a guy. You are only testing the waters.
 
MiamiMac123 said:
So I'm in a bit of a predicament right now, and I don't have many people I can to about it. So I thought I'd try this forum and see what advice you all might have.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I define myself as straight, because I am emotionally attracted to girls alone. However, in my past I have had sexual encounters with other guys. I will get aroused at the sight of a naked man, but no more so than I do with a naked woman. I guess some people would call me bisexual because of that, but like I said, I'm strictly attracted to females when it comes to romance and love.

I have this friend (we'll call him Ben). We became friends last year and immediately hit it off. There has always been a unique connection between us. Our friends used to joke around saying we had man crushes on each other and were secretly boyfriends. It was all in good fun.

Well just a week ago, Ben starts coming out to people. Color me surprised! I would have never guessed because he doesn't give any signs of being gay. I'm totally cool with it, and funnily enough, our friendship seems to be getting stronger after he told me. We just spent the whole weekend together and it brought up some interesting things.

I noticed as he was opening his planner that on the front page, my name was written a couple times in cursive, along with his name. Kinda strange. Then I tell him about how this other friend of ours has a crush on Ben now that he's out. I warned him not to act weird around the other guy. His response was "I've known other people to have crushes on me before and I don't act weird. And I don't act weird around people I have a crush on. I mean, I don't act weird around you, do I?" He said it with a bit of a smirk, so it could have been a joke. Or it could have been disguised as a joke to gauge my reaction. Then that same night, we were at his apartment and it was almost 4AM. He got into bed and told me I could stay before then saying I could lay in the bed with him. I did, because we've slept together before several times, and we were watching a movie, so it wasn't a big deal. But it still raises some questions.

My problem now is that I think I may have a crush on him. I get excited everytime he calls or texts me. I get disappointed when he doesn't. I think about him constantly. I over analyze his actions (obviously, lol). And it's strange for me, because I've never felt this way about a guy before. To be honest, I have a hard enough time being friends with guys (the result of very poor father figures), let alone liking one in a romantic way.

So my problem is I don't know how to proceed. Should I say something to him about my own crush, or question him about his? What if he really doesn't even like me. Or what if he does...I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship with a guy...more importantly, I'm not sure I'm ready for the world to know I'm dating a guy. It's all so confusing.

Another issue I should probably explain is that he apparently saw on my laptop that I had visited Sean Cody. About a month ago, he confronted me about it by pulling a video up on his laptop. I acted like I didn't know what it was and denied everything. I should have found it odd that he had what looked like 3 videos on his Limewire. And sure enough, I found out that he was trying to tell me that night that he was gay. I feel like I should have a conversation with him about that, if for nothing else than to make sure he isn't going to tell anyone else that he found gay porn on my computer. And who knows...maybe that could lead into talking about us.

Sorry this is so long, just want to give all the information. I appreciate any advice!
Click to expand...

Usually the problem with these type of situations is not knowing if the guy you are crushing on is gay, but you know for sure that he is gay. Being that you and him have a special type of relationship, I think you should express your feelings to him. From what you posted I think there is a strong possibility that he is attracted to you. I do think that you need to figure out what type of relationship you want from him, I don't know about everyone else, but I would not want to be some one's fuck buddy so he may not either.
 
Maybe you're just starting to discover your bisexuality. It is possible to love people who you don't want to be romantically involved with YET, but if you feel enough for them, you will eventually have more than just a simple attraction. So perhaps this is your first step to discovering your attraction to males.
I really have a strong feeling that "Ben" likes you. I started coming out to friends after I got close to a guy who i developed strong feelings for. I never wrote his name on my books but that is an INTENSE sign of crush. He may have slid it in as a joke, but he also might have meant it to see what your reaction would be.
So how do you go about these things?
Welll you shouldn't use your friend as a sexual expirement, so you should talk to him about your feelings. Honesty is highly crucial here. However, this situation will probably become hard to handle for him if he likes you, he'll love the fact that you're sharing things with him but he might think too much of it. IF he likes you, then i say while in that conversation look into each others eyes. If you feel something inside of you telling you that he's special, that 'Ben' is someone you feel is worth more to you than the average friend, make a move. Don't keep him wondering what your real feelings are. A kiss might be worth it for both of you if you like each other. It will tell you about your sexuality and give him something he would have wanted. Just hope it doesn't go out of control.
The only way you can know your true sexuality or feelings towards 'Ben' is if you connect with him in a way that makes both of you vulnerable. Communication is crucial. GOOD LUCK!
 
You said he started showing you he had gay pornos before he came out to everyone else. What that says to me is that he was thinking of sharing that with you and only you, at that time at least. I'm probably reading between the lines a bit, but I'd say that if you'd said something at the time he would have shared his secret with you and expected you to keep it safe. If that's true, then he will completely understand how it feels to want to share something with just one person and keep it secret. And he shouldn't have a problem doing that for you if you talk to him about how you're feeling.

If you want to be more sure, you could ask him whether the pornos he showed you back then were gay pornos (like, pretend that you don't know), and when he says they are you could ask him why he was showing them off to you. If he confirms what I said above, you could ask him whether he'd noticed the pornos on your computer and then take things from there. I think the best way of presenting your scenario to him is almost exactly the same way as you presented it in your first post.

As for your overall situation, I understand what you mean that you have never felt emotionally attracted to guys before. However, what you are describing sounds to me like you ARE attracted to him. I think you should stay open to the possibility that you really are emotionally attracted to guys, and the right one just hasn't come along until now.
 
you sound pretty privliged that he feels the same way too, sounds like you want something to happen, so let it! Lucky you guys, for both having a great friendship and potential for something to happen bt you guys. Let us know what happens!

Question for those of you that say don't fuck up a friendship by trying to sleep with them, when you try to date someone, forming and having a friendship with them is out of the question. for me, i'd prefer having a lover who is also a best friend type someone I can trust with my body as well as my mind would be ideal, but it seems a lot of you on here, separate friendships and sex interests. I guess thats just if you are looking for a quick fuck. Not critisizing that, as i am very open just want more info as to why people can't be friends and lovers?
So in my opinion, i think what this guy has a potential of having something good here! Good luck
 
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