Straight football fan best friend crush in high school (Help pls)

[samuelmrk]

Hey,

An 18 year old high school senior here. I hate that I have to write this post, but I guess we've all been here at some point. I'd always be like 'no im never gonna let myself do that', but it happened. So yeah, one of my biggest fears since I realized I wasn't straight came true. I am crushing on my best friend, a straight guy obsessed with football. Yay me.

Okay, this is a messy situation and there's a lot of detail to mention, but I'll try to be as structured as possible. Some things might seem a bit 'conservative' about this story but it's hard to adapt a plot from a homophobic country to a platform so accepting of every orientation, gender and identity. So sorry about that in advance too, I did my best.

Some backstory about me first. Ever since I realized I also like guys back when I was like 14, I always wondered how come I never really had a male crush irl. There was never a sign of attraction towards guys or anything, even when I try to analyze it now. All throughout my teenage years and childhood I have only ever liked girls. Possibly it was because for years I was quite scared of guys in general, because my best friend in kindergarten suddenly started to bully me, and after that I only had female friends for years... Took me good 8-ish years to get over it. It just seemed like all guys in my country were the same and I was some weird impostor. They all had this weird sense of humor and were obsessed with football (soccer), the sport I hated more than anything. So yeah, it was really rare for me to have male friends. Whenever I did make a male friend, I'd just wait for him to betray me like that guy in kindergarten did. I was so anxious about it. And since I avoided guys, I never had a male crush. I only realized I was bi when I made some international friends at the age of 14, and when I started Googling weird stuff like 'naked guys' just to 'see what my body would look like one day'. Lol, sure.

Then finally, when I was in 9th grade (1st year of high school), I was taking some extra language classes to get my English diploma (it's my second language, I am from Europe) and there I made a genuinely good male friend after years. He was always nice to me and we always had a lot to talk about, we sat next to each other every time. I was 15 back then, so still quite confused about what I was, but I found him quite cute. It was a one year course and he is a year younger, so he wasn't in high school yet and we just didn't see each other much after that. Until this year, when we started a new private high school program. The two of us being the only guys in the class of 18 students, obviously, we grew quite close again. As you could imagine, we sit next to each other in all of our mutual classes, and apart from that, we hang out a lot outside of school too and participate in like 3 extracurricular clubs together. He doesn't know about my past and the whole boy-phobia thing, like most people I am friends with now, because that is a part of my life I don't like to talk about much. I'm ashamed of it and I don't like looking back at it. I'm not a macho man, but I guess one wouldn't just assume I wasn't straight just for the way I act, talk, dress, or anything, especially not someone who is straight themselves. So he keeps assuming I'm straight too, I guess. I'm not entirely in the closet, but I don't talk about my sexuality a lot unless really asked about it, and I like talking about girls with him so I never bothered mentioning that I also like guys. But with time that started becoming a problem, because...I realized I actually like him. Me, him and another girl from our class hang out a lot and she is bi, and for some reason she was sure me and him were gay. So she asked me when we were alone, and I told her I like girls and guys, even though I never did anything with a guy but would be open to it. She never mentioned it again after that, which was quite weird, but anyway. After that she kept on asking him if he was gay, cause he never really had a serious girlfriend, and honestly, he's just 'too nice to be a straight guy' (her words, not mine, but cmon, I thought the same thing). At that point it kind of became a joke between the three of us, we just call him gay even though we know he's not, and sometimes we even make jokes of me and him being a couple or doing something gay together. I kinda liked him since I was 15, yeah, but since we spend so much time together now, it escalated quickly. We also have quite different plans for the future, so even if he wasn't straight, it could never work out (we'll be living in different countries for college next year), so since the beginning I told myself to ignore this attraction I feel cause it made no sense. But the more time we spend together, the worse it gets. He's just so amazing, for fucks sake. He's such a nice person, such a good student, he's understanding and caring and above all, quite good looking. Oh yea, and straight. I just find him so attractive in every way possible. He is far from perfect, but I love him for that. 'Perfect imperfections', you know, John Legend. For some time all that was happening was giving me some hope to believe he might also be bi, but it didn't take too long to ensure he was indeed straight. First of all, he likes football too much to not be straight (not to generalize, but...), he trains with his other friends several times a week and watches football matches in class sometimes lol. Of course, that by itself can't prove anything, but he occasionally throws in a homophobic/transphobic comment when a LGBT topic is discussed, but I really don't blame him for it. He is still so much more accepting than other guys here. Me and the girl always tell him when something he says is wrong/rude. Honestly only a straight guy could still not realize I'm not straight after spending THAT much time with me. And on top of it all, he accidentally opened his search history in front of me once. That's when my hope really died. That's all I'm gonna say..

So yeah, he is definitely straight. Even if he wasn't, we could never work out. I tried ignoring this attraction I feel towards him because I know the only thing it can lead to is an awkward situation or losing him as a friend, but I just can't. The more time we spend together the more I like him, it feels toxic in a way. I have no idea what to do. How do I keep being best friends with him and stop crushing on him? I'd even tell him I'm bi but what if I get a 'it's ok bro as long as u dont hit on me haha bro' That would make it so much worse and it's honestly a very likely scenario.

So what should I do? Should I tell him how I feel, or just come out to him, or just keep it all to myself and wait until we go off to college? Or something else? Any ideas or advice would be much appreciated

Update: After reading a bunch of other threads on this forum by older guys, falling for their life-long best friends who might even have wives or kids, I just feel so sorry. Makes me think about how simple my little crush actually is, even though it seems like a huge deal to me. No one deserves to find themselves in such a situation, living with same-sex attraction can really be unfair sometimes

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

OK. You're read the other threads, so you know this is a common scenario.

Something else to understand: it's a rite of passage with gay people. Why? Because 90% of people out there identify as straight. When the odds are 9 out of 10 that you're going to be attracted to someone who is straight, it is inevitable... at least when you're young and still in the closet.

So what should I do? Should I tell him how I feel, or just come out to him, or just keep it all to myself and wait until we go off to college? Or something else?

What should you do?

You should do some thinking about whether the odds are better that you'll find a guy who will be a really good friend or whether the odds are better than you'll find another gay guy out there that you can have sex with. Good friends last a lifetime. Fuckbuddies come and go. Anything that you do to act on your crush is likely not to be welcome and is likely to damage a friendship.

You should keep in mind that being 18 and in high school is a temporary condition. It will pass. You will graduate from high school. You will go to college. You will meet lots of hot guys in college who are either gay or are in their "experimental phase". You will have all the sex and dates that you can handle.

You should get out of high school and into a situation where there aren't repercussions for coming out. This means that you consider and weigh the consequences versus benefits of coming out to friends, coworkers and family. Most people your age are still dependent upon family for food, money and a roof over your head and if there is any doubt that telling friends or family would endanger that, you should not come out until you are sure that you will have security - food, money and housing. If there is any doubt that your parents will not support you if you come out, don't come out. Get an education, get a stable job and then you will have more choices.

As for the timing on telling your friend that you are gay... well, you know your friend better than we do. While you can never know exactly how anyone will react to you coming out, you should have an idea whether your friend knows other gay people and how he feels about them. After you get through high school, you should tell him that you're gay- on your own terms, when you are ready. If your friendship is a lifelong friendship, he will accept this news and maintain the friendship. On the other hand, if the friendship is just one of those school friendships that doesn't survive graduation, telling him that you are gay will just accelerate the inevitable.

The important thing: don't endanger friendships, especially friendships with straight guys, if you're sure that they are straight. The friendship is more important that getting laid... or trying to get laid.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, you're still a baby, you have all the time in the world to figure this out. You're way farther along than I was at your age. To misquote Hannibal Lector - we covet that which we see daily. You might not actually be that in love with this guy, just have all these feelings and not have anywhere else to put them. We have a saying here in Texas, you catch no fish in a dry pond... If you want to explore, you need to be in what I like to call a target rich environment, which is wherever the guys looking for guys are congregating.

Generally when a guy has a serious, chronic fall for the straight guy problems, and this doesn't sound like you, it's because they're having problems shedding their closet or the lingering aspects of it.

The general theory on coming out is first and foremost don't, if the government is going to harm you. Make a plan, and get someplace else. All is contingent on your safety - and don't come out to your family if they are going to throw you out and take your tuition away. Get your degrees, then stand on your own, the damage that can be done to you is trivial if you are your own man. People are trickier, he may have a problem, he may not. We don't know.

Trust me on this one, straight guys never appreciate you telling them you want to have their babies. If you do tell him, keep it about you, and don't put your feelings for him in his lap and expect him to deal with them. You never know with straight guys, trust me on this also, if they know you're into guys, that door is cracked, and every now and then, one of them will open it, it's rare, but it does happen.

When you get to college the fishing is superior.

 

[MusicMan321]

to JUB first off and your just a young guy but everyone's sexuality starts out differently than everyone else. So your friend who's a straight guy doesn't know your bi good luck!

 

[voltronforce]

Ur only 18 and it is common and normal. Don't do anything if you 100% don't want to loose ur friendship, its a chance.

 

[jaysizzles]

When the time is right, I think you should let him know that you're bi/gay/fluid. You can't live your adult life avoiding letting close friends know your sexuality. So, if he is as good a friend as you seem to say, this shouldn't make a difference in your friendship...he may actually already know or suspect this about you anyway. But, if he does take issue with it, question whether he is as good a friend as you think he is, or whether you'd even want a friend that doesn't accept you for you. I would not advise you to let him know you have a crush on him though...you seem sure that he's straight and that he wouldn't reciprocate your feelings, so what would that accomplish other than make it awkward when you hang out. If, in the future, he ever questions his own sexuality, he'll at least know this about you.

Also, it's good that you have a bi female friend that you have broached the subject with. Reach out to her for advice and support, if you want to have a conversation with someone in the real world.

Just realize now that the next phase of your life will offer so many opportunities to find relationships and boyfriends that this crush will someday become a pleasant memory. I hope that your friendship with him is strong enough to last a lifetime, but know that friends come and go and just like any relationship, takes effort on both your parts.

 

[neditesjamais]

What they ^^ all say? Yeah, I agree. And . . .

Yup it's going to hurt for a while. Being in close proximity to someone you might also be having fantasies about but can't act on is uncomfortable at times and frustrating some days. And, it's just about the same as living with your very best friends most annoying and grating habit: you decide whether it's worth it to live with it. In my case, I had some really great, really close, really fun friendships that were worth a whole lot. I chose to keep friends and sometimes be uncomfortable.

jaysizzles noted,

You can't live your adult life avoiding letting close friends know your sexuality.

Well, I've actually done that, so I can say you can do it, but I definitely recommend against it. You've already started the process; you have a close female friend you can talk to and who knows you well. Will your male friend eventually join her in that special circle? I hope so. It just may not be right now.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[Alistair]

I like TXBeau’s answer a lot. Spot on advice.