Straight friend hitting on me?

[thegentleman]

And that's when he will start to cheat on Llguy11 as well.

Question of the century: can Bi guys be monogamous?

Is Llguy11 looking for something more than just flirting?

Here's the thing. I'm not really expecting him to dump his girlfriend and come running into arms, but I would be lying if I were to say I didn't want to have sex with him or do something sexual with him. I'm just SO attracted to him.

However, I do know that after the fact I would probably feel extremely guilty for betraying his girlfriend/my friend. Is a drunken hook up with him worth that? I'm not sure. If he were single, there would obviously be no issue as long as he was okay with it.

This is most likely because I haven't had any sexual experience myself except for a random blowjob I got from some guy on Grindr when I was 23. We didn't even make out, so I will embarrasingly admit that I've never kissed anyone and I'm turning 25 in a few weeks.

Most of the guys I am attracted to or develop feelings for are straight, which I know is a problem, but it's always been that way for as long as I can remember for me. Especially since my friend is so attractive and totally my type. If he were gay and single, my life would be SO much easier.

 

[journo25]

Keep flirting with him if you choose, but make the effort to find gay, available single guys for friendship, hook ups, FWBs, whatever.
Your most recent post explains why you are getting so frustrated. You're horny and you want sex. Understandable. Start looking for compatible gay guys who are out, single and fun; guys who will get your mind off the co-worker you cannot have.

 

[peeonme]

He is using you as a relief valve for his latent gay tendencies. He may not even really be aware of how gay he is acting, he only sees it as fun and feels better after one of his romps with you.
I would distance myself a little... hands off. Then if he keeps touching you and flirting ask him if he is seeking a fwb or what? Do it in a joking tone and give him a chance to express himself, it might wake him up about his seeming denial.

 

[dralockhart]

Even if he denies being attracted to dudes to you, the fact that someone's on to him will be all it takes to unravel him. Men like this need that reality check like waffles need syrup.

 

[tarallucci]

I will embarrasingly admit that I've never kissed anyone and I'm turning 25 in a few weeks.

Don't worry about that, it's fairly common, at least among people who are not easy with sex. Try to find the best person for you... this current situation you are experiencing will teach you a few things but it won't be your "ultimate goal".

 

[dralockhart]

Don't worry about that, it's fairly common, at least among people who are not easy with sex. Try to find the best person for you... this current situation you are experiencing will teach you a few things but it won't be your "ultimate goal".

It totally is common. I read this on forums all the time. Yet no gay guys I know are willing to cop to this IRL. What's the deal? I feel like gay/bi/pan boys need to work out a sexual ethic. There are equal parts slut-shaming and "prude"-shaming, so it feels like damned if you do, damned if you don't sometimes. But considering how long it takes some of us to find self-acceptance, logically speaking, 25 and not having been kissed makes sense.

What I can't work out is why all these men who are confused about their sexualities or trying to figure them out are so comfortable dragging others into their messes.

Although I guess OP said he isn't out or hasn't worked through that part entirely himself yet so it isn't quite the same as an out and proud dude being hit on by a closeted married guy.

 

[thegentleman]

Also, this straight friend of mine has a younger brother who is gay and he's really attractive too. He's kind of cocky though, and he already thinks I'm like in love with. We've hung out a few times (with his friends or mine), but I'm always the one texting him first and extending invites. I'm kind of tired of it. I know he has a lot of friends, but it would be nice if he could just be the one to text me first and be like "hey, wanna hang out or come out with my friends and I?".

He told me that he always ends up hooking up with his gay friends and that he really just wants a good gay friend who he doesn't hook up with, so he told me not to cross that line. Yet he talks about hooking up with his other friends an awful lot in front of me as if he is trying to get me jealous. He also leaned his head against me/cuddled with me when we were in the backseat of my brother's truck on the way home from drinking one night. I did the same to him another night on the train ride home and he leaned his head against mine in return. He's still not completely over his ex, and I think that's why he's sleeping around...who knows. I just need a gay friend and I was hoping it'd be him, but I hate looking like the loser who always has no plans.

 

[tarallucci]

it feels like damned if you do, damned if you don't sometimes

There are different approaches but one has to be able to understand what's the best thing for oneself, and that is a difficult process, so maybe these confused men can't be bothered by thinking too much and possibly believe that there is no harm in playing around with people. Or maybe they are in a situation where they didn't actually wanted to be, but they had to do something about their feelings, and now they are looking for a way to fix that.

You might be waiting your whole life watching "opportunities" passing by while some might say that it's not even a matter of missing out, and that if it's just not possible to establish an appropriate relationship then it's better off saving all the troubles.
I am young too and I don't see this like a race, it is very shallow to be counting kisses, encounters, money. But I'm aware that some people are affected by the fact that they've never been intimate with someone before and I somehow believe that is good to expierence "something".

What's important though, is that you reflect on that and make a decision. I've heard quite many people saying that everyone should take advantage of the young age and "have fun" before it's too late, that is their stupid idea of life.
In my case it was a confirmation of the fact that what I truly want is something meaningful and unique, so those handful of times I sought pleasure I was left with more bitter feelings than being sad for not having someone to love.

After all, what is good in a type of relationship where pleasure and pain equal or the headaches take up most of the time?

 

[PrahaGold]

...However, I do know that after the fact I would probably feel extremely guilty for betraying his girlfriend/my friend. Is a drunken hook up with him worth that? I'm not sure...

You spelled the word 'No' wrong.

That you are both being incredibly callous to the person he's made promises to, and that isn't you.

Full stop.

 

[Oracle]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I know first hand how painful it is fall for your straight friend. You have the added pain that your friend seems to be very affectionate and inviting to affection. If you have never made your romantic feelings to him clear, then it's unfair and simplistic for someone to think he's being callous and cruel to you or to even feel that to be the case yourself. He doesn't know what he's doing to you. For all he knows, he's playing around and being goofy with his best friend.

Now, the fact that he has a girlfriend has a part to play, but if he has no serious intention of every following through on this flirtatious behavior you describe, then the issue of whether or not the girlfriend is a victim or being wrong or whatever is between them; meaning their relationship works how they see fit. But if he has intentions or his girlfriend isn't okay with such behavior (I've known some girlfriends to be okay with their guys behaving in manners similar to what you describe because as the girls saw it, their guy wasn't gonna follow through cause he wasn't gay), then you have to ask yourself if that's really the type of guy you deserve.

I've been in your shoes, and I eventually realized that I had worth and deserved respect and dignity. I was more than some way for a confused/bored straight guy to get his jollies. And you are too.

Bottom line. Don't play games. Say what you mean and mean what you say and ask for what you want.

 

[Pyscean]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I know first hand how painful it is fall for your straight friend. You have the added pain that your friend seems to be very affectionate and inviting to affection. If you have never made your romantic feelings to him clear, then it's unfair and simplistic for someone to think he's being callous and cruel to you or to even feel that to be the case yourself. He doesn't know what he's doing to you. For all he knows, he's playing around and being goofy with his best friend.

Now, the fact that he has a girlfriend has a part to play, but if he has no serious intention of every following through on this flirtatious behavior you describe, then the issue of whether or not the girlfriend is a victim or being wrong or whatever is between them; meaning their relationship works how they see fit. But if he has intentions or his girlfriend isn't okay with such behavior (I've known some girlfriends to be okay with their guys behaving in manners similar to what you describe because as the girls saw it, their guy wasn't gonna follow through cause he wasn't gay), then you have to ask yourself if that's really the type of guy you deserve.

I've been in your shoes, and I eventually realized that I had worth and deserved respect and dignity. I was more than some way for a confused/bored straight guy to get his jollies. And you are too.

Bottom line. Don't play games. Say what you mean and mean what you say and ask for what you want.

^^THIS!!! He's getting everything he wants and it's leaving you, OP, feeling unfulfilled which is simply not right.

I have a straight friend (one of my best friends) that used to put me in a similar situation. He would overtly flirt when his girlfriend was not around knowing that he had no intentions of following through. I finally called him on it after being friends for a couple of years. I cornered when he an I were alone at his place and explained to him that he's one of my best friends and I truly value that friendship but that he's sending me mixed signals. Though he might see it as just funning around with me, it's actually a bit hurtful because I value his friendship so much. My friendship with him is based on how we treat each other overall which, in all honesty, attracts me to him and would attract me to any potential partner but it was always clear to me that he's straight. His flirting often crosses a line that makes me think that there might be more there but if there is I need to know that he and I have a real chance at something.

I won't get into the intimate details but I told him that if he has true feelings about being physical with me that we need to act on those NOW. Otherwise, I'd appreciate it if we stick to the things that make our friendship what it is, which is our shared love of sports, traveling, etc. That was in 2002 and we've been friends for 15 years now and going strong.

 

[thegentleman]

So now that I'm pretty much fully out to this friend of mine (and his girlfriend), the touchy-feely stuff really hasn't stopped. I thought it maybe would, since one of my theories (and others have suggested this too) was that he was trying to get me to come out to him and be myself/comfortable around him. But it hasn't stopped. Last week, I thanked him for something while he was sitting at his desk and hugged him from behind and gave him a little peck on the back of his neck. He seemed to like it. Then yesterday, he hugged me from behind while I was sitting at my desk and rubbed his face against mine and kind of bit/nibbled on my face/neck area. I even felt some of his saliva on my face.

Would a "straight" guy really do that with a gay friend? I'm just so confused.

Also, there's a lot of times when I want to hang out with him and do something with him (and of course his girlfriend has to be included) but he'll say his girlfriend doesn't want to hang out. He'll say something to me like "just admit it, she can be annoying" and I'll sometimes agree. He'll make "jokes" about how I supposedly want him to break up with her and even about him getting a new girlfriend. Almost as if he's looking for my approval to break up with her, because he knows I do love her as a friend as well.