Straight guy attracting "straight" dudes

[latinfashionguy]

Hello everyone. I'm a straight guy with probably what most would consider 'gay' style. Basically enhanced metro style, and I have an overall feminine look, but I'm straight. It's possible for a straight guy to look feminine, gay gay to look masculine, and everything in-between. Now, for a long time, I've had supposed "straight" guys hit on me saying stuff like "I just wanna do this one time", "let's make out". I always tell them it's not my thing, but I'm not offended. Lately, I've had a very odd situation, which I will explain.

I lived with my cousin and her fiance until a few months ago, he is the typical "guy's guy". Obsessed with football, heavy beer drinking, video games, fixing cars, MMA...all that stuff. Not saying you have to be that way to like that stuff, but he's the kinda guy no one would ever call gay, has probably never spent more than 1 minute getting ready in his life. When I lived them, he would constantly hit on me to the point I told him to stop. It started as small, playful comments, locker room type stuff. After about a month it escalated to purely ass-grabbing, asking me if I like blowjobs, asking me if I want to cuddle with him, if I want to lick him...then he'd say he was just kidding. I once counted 41 references to this in one day. Another time I found him looking over me in the reflection from the window...I ended up moving out a few days after that. Everyone thought it was strange, because my cousin and I were very close, and they didn't know about him being this way, and still don't.

I just made up an excuse saying they need their own time, I was taking up too much room, etc. Overall, I'm upset with him to the point I don't even want to go to their wedding because I can see him trying to embarrass me by pulling some gay jokes in front of people, which if he did - I would call him out. This would be very problematic within the family, and no one would believe me as I'm the "stylish fashion guy who is easily assumed gay", and he's the Macho guy who no one would ever question. I also come from a conservative Latin culture, which believes men should not be care too much about their style, looks, etc. So, if I said anything - it would simply be seen as if I had been the one hitting on him, but that was never the case.

He's mentioned before that "femme" gay guys often hit on him, which I told him could be because of his devastating masculinity. In my Peruvian culture, "masculine" gay guys don't exist, the previous generation is very much behind the times, in denial of reality in society for the most part. Other Latin American countries, Argentina, Chile, are more modern, and understand a stylish man does not equal gay.

Anyways, I've told my parents I don't want to goto the wedding because I didn't get along with him, he's a jerk, etc. If I tell them the truth, they won't understand. It's a battle I can't win, and would rather walk away from. I haven't spoke to my cousin or him since I left.

So, this is just a small situation of something that seems to happen a lot in my life. I also live in the midwest, this is not a fashion-forward area of the country, a man who is well-styled beyond the business sense is usually questioned at the minimum.

I'm just wondering what some of you think of the situation. I've gotten hit on by femme gay guys, but usually just in the flirting sense, a few "masculine" gays have been more aggressive, but the ones who have been after me would for the most be presumed straight. Usually gay guys can spot when a guy is metro but still straight. I'm convinced there is a large closet gay population out there who would never be assumed gay, and for the most part I think society is in complete denial of this.

 

[guesshoo]

I see only three options.
1 your post is is nothing more than a made up story.
2 the guy is in the closet himself and needs to do some serious sole searching before marrying anyone.
3 You are far too metro... and sending some serious wrong messages.

 

[texan_slant]

UM, well, my humble opinion is that you shouldn't let it impact your relationship with your cousin, and to be honest with you, unless you firmly, yet 'cordially' told him to stop, you'd be constantly running away from the situation.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you're not gay.

Not going to their wedding isn't necessarily the solution, either. If you and your cousin are suppposedly close, I'd be there if I were you. Make an appearance, and there are usually enough people there to where you could still semi-avoid him...

 

[latinfashionguy]

I'm not trying to start any fem vs macho gay type debate either. Both exist, leave it at that. I work in the hair industry, I'm around gay men all the time, and I'm completely comfortable with it. My personal style is very metro, but that's who I am, and it's what I like.

In my culture, even the slightest hint of metro is always misinterpreted. It took a lot for me to tell my family I wanted to be a hairstylist (I always liked fashion), seen as a traditional gay thing in my culture, but I wasn't going to let a stereotype dictate what I do with my life.

This is not made up by the way.

 

[latinfashionguy]

UM, well, my humble opinion is that you shouldn't let it impact your relationship with your cousin, and to be honest with you, unless you firmly, yet 'cordially' told him to stop, you'd be constantly running away from the situation.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you're not gay.

Not going to their wedding isn't necessarily the solution, either. If you and your cousin are suppposedly close, I'd be there if I were you. Make an appearance, and there are usually enough people there to where you could still semi-avoid him...

I was originally supposed to be in the wedding, since I introduced them, via mutual friends. They haven't told me anything, wedding is in July - so I assume I'm not in it since I don't speak with them anymore. This was 8 years ago when I introduced them, he wasn't like that with me then, although now I remember, a few times he was, but not enough to really take notice.

She knows slightly about it, not the full extent. He did make comments when she was around as well (they work opposite schedules), and I told her once it was getting strange, but she pretended not to hear it.

It already has affected my relationship with her. We used to very close. A few times he decided to stay home and play Warcraft, her & I went out and had the time of our lives, like we always do. I'm actually sad she is marrying such an idiot. Also, the profession I work in, beauty industry didn't do much help. I was in school at the time for it, and he always made snide remarks about that as well.

I also have wondered about his personal orientation, because he is so "macho" acting, no one would ever assume. I don't act like that, or feminine either, although I've been told I'm soft-spoken, but that is it.

 

[Horschallen]

I suggest going to the wedding... it is your cousin's wedding and wish them well in person.

 

[El Divo]

If your straight...why are you on this site where gay porn is wildly visible lol.
JK

But I think you are sending the wrong message. If you are comfortable with the way you are, then you'll have to accept some consequences. Gay men come with the territory. Sorry bud.

 

[latinfashionguy]

It simply doesn't bother me, the porn thing. I don't find it appealing, but it's just there. Most straight guys would probably jump out of their seats in shock, I assume, or at least that's why they'd say around their 'buddies'.

I don't believe in changing my style because my region of the country thinks men should dress like they are lame. I'm sure this is not the case in LA.

 

[Nomenclature]

I work in the hair industry

I'm around gay men all the time, and I'm completely comfortable with it. My personal style is very metro, but that's who I am, and it's what I like.

Well, then don't get upset if people think you're gay!!

 

[JNewYork]

Go to the wedding. What are you running from? So what if he thinks you're gay. Lots of people apparently do.

You're making way, way too much out of this. You're acting like a woman who has been raped.

It's not that big.

 

[AllMan]

I also come from a conservative Latin culture, which believes men should not be care too much about their style, looks, etc.

I was gonna ask "What kinda latin culture do YOU come from???" ...until I read this a few lines down:

In my Peruvian culture

That pretty much explains it...lol...but seriously, I would:

1) go to the wedding and show support/love for your cousin (if there is one thing we latinos ALL have in common, it is love for la familia!)
2) pull him to the side during/after the wedding and wish him luck on the marriage, but also tell him that you would like the advances/snide remarks to end---since he is now a married man, and that he should be mature enough to have some respect for both his wife and for you (you can do it all with a smile/no animosity).
3) you have to make a decision in your life if you are uncomfortable with a) guys hitting on you, or b) your family/friends PRESUMING you are gay
i.) if you are really gay/bisexual/curious and still using the "I'm metro, but straight" cover-up, then that is a problem all in itself----that may be the reason why you feel so uncomfortable---because you feel you have to protect your false "straightness" every chance you get
ii.) if you are really straight, but metro---then you must find a way to convince your family and friends of the truth about your heterosexuality, if it bothers you that much. (have you ever had a gf? do you bring girls home/around your family? do you talk about kids? [yo se y tu sabes que los ninos estan muy importante en las familias latinas])
4) move to Puerto Rico or the East Coast and you will be accepted in your metrosexual ways (j/k)
5) to me it seems like, aside from the issue with your soon-to-be cousin in-law, you have a slight identity issue that may be subconscious---you seem to enjoy (or not mind) the attention you get from guys hitting on you, but yet you seem scared (or in denial) of acting upon it because of your sexuality-role block. So either you are a closet homo, or you are a narcissist who loves attention? Which one is it?

 

[texan_slant]

So, let's get this straight (so-to-speak). Even though you're not gay -

1. You've never confronted him about it head-on
2. Your relationship with your cousin has been impacted
3. You're asking for advice here
4. Yes, most stylists are gay, even though it really doesn't mean anything cuz it's a stereotype

Honey, all-in-all, those are sending us gay signals! ...even #1 and #2, cuz actions speak louder than words. The fact that you've been non-confrontational about it without blank saying, "no, I'm not gay, so stop it" is some sort of admission of guilt.

At this point, if you have already let it impact your relationship with your cousin, then getting past the fear of rocking the boat is a moot point.

This is already drama when it shouldn't have been in the first place.

 

[Blueboy369]

Diviertate en la fiesta y no te apures de nada. No le hagas caso a los comentarios de el esposo de ella. Se va ver mas estrano si tu no attiende la boda.

 

[latinfashionguy]

I was gonna ask "What kinda latin culture do YOU come from???" ...until I read this a few lines down:



That pretty much explains it...lol...but seriously, I would:

1) go to the wedding and show support/love for your cousin (if there is one thing we latinos ALL have in common, it is love for la familia!)
2) pull him to the side during/after the wedding and wish him luck on the marriage, but also tell him that you would like the advances/snide remarks to end---since he is now a married man, and that he should be mature enough to have some respect for both his wife and for you (you can do it all with a smile/no animosity).
3) you have to make a decision in your life if you are uncomfortable with a) guys hitting on you, or b) your family/friends PRESUMING you are gay
i.) if you are really gay/bisexual/curious and still using the "I'm metro, but straight" cover-up, then that is a problem all in itself----that may be the reason why you feel so uncomfortable---because you feel you have to protect your false "straightness" every chance you get
ii.) if you are really straight, but metro---then you must find a way to convince your family and friends of the truth about your heterosexuality, if it bothers you that much. (have you ever had a gf? do you bring girls home/around your family? do you talk about kids? [yo se y tu sabes que los ninos estan muy importante en las familias latinas])
4) move to Puerto Rico or the East Coast and you will be accepted in your metrosexual ways (j/k)
5) to me it seems like, aside from the issue with your soon-to-be cousin in-law, you have a slight identity issue that may be subconscious---you seem to enjoy (or not mind) the attention you get from guys hitting on you, but yet you seem scared (or in denial) of acting upon it because of your sexuality-role block. So either you are a closet homo, or you are a narcissist who loves attention? Which one is it?

Put it like this, my life would've been easier had I been gay. I was always into doing my hair, making sure my clothes fit well - that kind of stuff, even as a kid. I'm impressed you know about how conservative Peruvian culture is (most people don't even know where Peru is), I could write a book on it. Had I been gay, my family would've had to accept these things early on, because to them, those are things that only gays do (typical Peruvian thinking), although we know that's not the case.

At first, I found the attention somewhat flattering (not from him, just in general). Once that initial attention passed I just found it annoying. Then after awhile, I started to wonder if they must assume I'm on their team. I've had openly gay guys say "once I started talking to you, I knew you weren't". With this guy, it just crossed the line where it got very strange, considering he is marrying into my family, and he's the last person on earth anyone would ever call gay, given stereotypical thinking in my culture.

I did confront him about it various times, he'd always say he was kidding. I told a few people in the extended family about it and they agreed...something about him was definitely off, especially considering he is "ultra-machismo" to the core.

For myself, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, you won't find a more "metro" guy out there who does more typical "straight" things, I'm not using this to justify anything either. Last girl I dated really broke my heart and sent me into a depression =(. Growing up, I was a standout soccer player, got my black belt in Tae Kwon Do when I was 16. These are things my family liked - but they weren't enough to get their mind off the fact I liked fashion & hair. At the same time, I wasn't allowed to talk to girls on the phone without a parent listening, made those years very strange, I was always being watched to make sure I did nothing inappropriate.. I did manage to sneak out from time to time though once I got my car junior year. I might like hairspray, but I also like Coors Light, boxing, Van Damme movies, and I have male friends of all range, from the most masculine "Chicago south side brawlers", to another friend who refers to himself as "Lady Gaga" on occasion, and I consider them equally good friends.

I have a good understanding of myself and who I am. I know usually anytime someone brings up concern over some gay issue it equates automatic identity crisis, sexual confusion, etc. None of that is the case with me. I very well knew going into the hair industry and being "metro" from a culture that doesn't accept (although many Latin countries now embrace it) it was going to be an uphill battle with the family, but it's my life and you can only live for yourself and do what makes you happy.

The problem is, this guy will try to embarrass me in front of people, and I will retaliate this time. He knows I'm the "fashionable latino" so he can get away with anything, if this was known to the family it'd be seen as all being my fault. He's macho, hairy, slightly chubby, and downright tough - he can't be gay to the Peruvian culture. It's a culture that rewards men being away from any type of vanity (that was half my problem growing up). He uses the shield of devastating masculinity - it cannot be pierced.

I'm not sure what I'll do. There will actually be a girl in attendance who I would like to see. Sort of "the one that got away"...met her when I was 17 almost 10 years ago. Then she moved for college...just to see her again I'm willing to put up with this guy. If he says anything insulting, I will have to say something back, and that could be problematic. Half the guys in his Warcraft group, he is nationally ranked, are gay. So, maybe that's just his way of dealing with it. I'm really not sure.

 

[JNewYork]

Go to the wedding. At weddings the bride and groom have very, very little time to socialize with any one person in particular.

If he tries to embarrass you with a line suggesting you're gay. There are very many defenses to take.

1.) Turn it right back onto him. If he says something as a put down such as "I think latinofashion is into guys everybody." Say, it right back at him. "I think YOU are."
No matter what he says turn it right back at him. Grade school kids learn early on the "I know you are" game really works! It works if you're an adult.

2.) Here's another line for you: "Do you ever talk about other things besides homosexuality?"

3.) "I'm starting to think you really want me to be gay for you." (That one will kill him! Say it every time he says anything as a gay putdown.)

The reason he has not stopped is because you have not put him in his place. You can do it! And it doesn't have to be with big drama either. Just say those things to him and walk away to get a drink or something. That is your power.

 

[AllMan]

I'm impressed you know about how conservative Peruvian culture is (most people don't even know where Peru is), I could write a book on it.

Yea a guy I used to date many years ago was Peruvian.....and it was just a mess---he was so conservative and boring to the point where.....well.....that's why I "used to" date him....lol

And yes I know where Peru is and El Salvador----and I had a room mate who was Venezuelan/Black mix, but he was wild and crazy, he said he was straight but he used to always walk around in his towel, with it low enough just so I could see his pubes and the crack of his ass...a little hottie, but too childish and stuck-up for me.

---On a more serious note, I really am sorry you are going thru this, there is really no end to it and really no solution---people are gonna be hateful and ignorant and childish no matter what you do or whether you want to change it or not. Just love yourself and keep moving forward in YOUR life. My partner is experiencing the same exact thing with his family. We like fashion and nice things and grooming ourselves, etc---so whenever that is the case, it is automatically assumed that you are gay (especially if you are not married or have no kids). Do like JNewYork said and turn everything he says around on him---you reacting in a defeated/sad way gives him the power over you that he wants. Or just ignore him completely; he is continually saying/doing those things because he is getting the reaction out of you he wants. Once you start ignoring him, he will feel real stupid and the jokes/remarks will steadily decrease. As the saying goes "No se puede poner en un espectáculo sin público." Te siento papi.....

 

[MisterMajestic]

When you lived in your Cousins home did you ever introduce your dates to them?

Do you date at all?

Let's get real here...You say you're STRAIGHT but you have this "Fem" thing going on...I don't understand what the "Fem" thing is...

I'm Bisexual and masculine because that is who I am...Does this "Fem Look" attract women?..Describe this "Fem Look" that you have.

 

[latinfashionguy]

AllMan, let me guess, this Peruvian guy wore shirts 3 sizes too big and didn't believe in any hair products I'm guessing. I call it "The Peruvian Straitjacket". I know Peruvians out there who view the desire for men to be stylish on par with drugs, if not slightly worse in it's own way. Most South American countries aren't like this. Bolivia and Ecuador are as well.

Trust me guys, I've tried everything. I think he's masquerading his gay interest with his incessant jokes. He may wonder how I react, he's made these comments when it was only him & I at the apartment and my cousin was at work. The other possibility, he really doesn't like me as a person, and wants to embarrass me - although he's making himself look bad in the process. We've gone out before with friends and he's been there. He would intentionally put his arm around me to make it appear as if I were gay, and he was making fun of me. I threw it all back on him. I ignored him - it only got worse.

I said things like "you sure you don't have some secret", "you trying to tell me something"...most of the time I'd say this halfway joking.

I did seriously confront him once, told him to stop, he said it's just "joking around", I told him it looks really weird, the family knows I'm straight (although being metro was a problem at first) and pretty soon they're gonna wonder about you.

He tried to ignore it and downplay the fact I was actually upset and annoyed. He knows because he's "macho tough guy" he can do this and get away with it, if I told anyone, it would automatically be seen as me hitting on him.

He did tell me a story once that some guy in college that he got really drunk with, then this guy put the moves on him, and he said he almost beat that guy up, so he knows he isn't gay for that reason. I think since that experience he's had some issue with it.

 

[latinfashionguy]

When you lived in your Cousins home did you ever introduce your dates to them?

Do you date at all?

Let's get real here...You say you're STRAIGHT but you have this "Fem" thing going on...I don't understand what the "Fem" thing is...

I'm Bisexual and masculine because that is who I am...Does this "Fem Look" attract women?..Describe this "Fem Look" that you have.

Somewhat like a modern-day Rudolph Valentino, or so I've been told. Usually the gay men I do attract are the more masculine type, the "fem" type usually want to flirt and talk about style, music, hair products, Britney, etc. I work in the beauty industry so I encounter both, although the fem type of gay does dominate in the industry. There's also a large percentage of straight stylish men in the industry who happen to be better-looking than most. Everyone gets along though. It's the "not so pretty" women in the industry who cause the most drama there, by far.

As for living with them...I wasn't even there a month. I left in the most fashionable way - as quickly as possible. They had a rule that I couldn't have women over to the apartment (or even friends for that matter). Has to do with his close-mindedness...he didn't want anyone he didn't know in the apartment. He's seen me with women before to answer your question, and he knows I'm straight. I was paying them rent ($300, and I had my own food). They wouldn't even give me my own room. Had to deal with his non-stop Warcraft playing as he kept my room as the computer room. He'd make a mess in the kitchen and tell me to clean it, that his "machismo". He is old school Mexican, she is traditionally Peruvian (although more open minded than him), you'd easily find Mormons who are more open-minded than these two cultures.

We had some normal conversations as well, and sometimes hung out. It was mainly in the company of others he'd made these comments, although he did it when it was just him & I alone as well.

The fem thing, I mean an overall "feminine" look, with a standard masculine personality. I'm not attracted to men. Some men simply look more feminine than others. It's when you have a fem look and are into style, it's easier assumed that you are gay opposed to a tough-looking guy in style, or just regular, plain boring looking for that matter in style. Yes, I'd consider myself appealing to women. Some women like pretty boys, some like ruggedly handsome, some like guys who just don't care, renegades, badboys, etc.

 

[kingzulu]

Hello everyone. I'm a straight guy with probably what most would consider 'gay' style. Basically enhanced metro style, and I have an overall feminine look, but I'm straight. It's possible for a straight guy to look feminine, gay gay to look masculine, and everything in-between. Now, for a long time, I've had supposed "straight" guys hit on me saying stuff like "I just wanna do this one time", "let's make out". I always tell them it's not my thing, but I'm not offended. Lately, I've had a very odd situation, which I will explain.

I lived with my cousin and her fiance until a few months ago, he is the typical "guy's guy". Obsessed with football, heavy beer drinking, video games, fixing cars, MMA...all that stuff. Not saying you have to be that way to like that stuff, but he's the kinda guy no one would ever call gay, has probably never spent more than 1 minute getting ready in his life. When I lived them, he would constantly hit on me to the point I told him to stop. It started as small, playful comments, locker room type stuff. After about a month it escalated to purely ass-grabbing, asking me if I like blowjobs, asking me if I want to cuddle with him, if I want to lick him...then he'd say he was just kidding. I once counted 41 references to this in one day. Another time I found him looking over me in the reflection from the window...I ended up moving out a few days after that. Everyone thought it was strange, because my cousin and I were very close, and they didn't know about him being this way, and still don't.

I just made up an excuse saying they need their own time, I was taking up too much room, etc. Overall, I'm upset with him to the point I don't even want to go to their wedding because I can see him trying to embarrass me by pulling some gay jokes in front of people, which if he did - I would call him out. This would be very problematic within the family, and no one would believe me as I'm the "stylish fashion guy who is easily assumed gay", and he's the Macho guy who no one would ever question. I also come from a conservative Latin culture, which believes men should not be care too much about their style, looks, etc. So, if I said anything - it would simply be seen as if I had been the one hitting on him, but that was never the case.

He's mentioned before that "femme" gay guys often hit on him, which I told him could be because of his devastating masculinity. In my Peruvian culture, "masculine" gay guys don't exist, the previous generation is very much behind the times, in denial of reality in society for the most part. Other Latin American countries, Argentina, Chile, are more modern, and understand a stylish man does not equal gay.

Anyways, I've told my parents I don't want to goto the wedding because I didn't get along with him, he's a jerk, etc. If I tell them the truth, they won't understand. It's a battle I can't win, and would rather walk away from. I haven't spoke to my cousin or him since I left.

So, this is just a small situation of something that seems to happen a lot in my life. I also live in the midwest, this is not a fashion-forward area of the country, a man who is well-styled beyond the business sense is usually questioned at the minimum.

I'm just wondering what some of you think of the situation. I've gotten hit on by femme gay guys, but usually just in the flirting sense, a few "masculine" gays have been more aggressive, but the ones who have been after me would for the most be presumed straight. Usually gay guys can spot when a guy is metro but still straight. I'm convinced there is a large closet gay population out there who would never be assumed gay, and for the most part I think society is in complete denial of this.

dude you are so right about the large closet gay guys who are married that the world dont know about, i guess you can say downlo but theres more than you think...there are so many guys at my work after my ass i dress reallly hip and metro too but i am masc and aggresssive and cant tell i am gay but probablky people might think i am suspect but i dont ive anything off that i like dick and pusssy...but still this married man are worse than gay guys trying to sleep with me...its crazzyyy i thought i was the only one