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"Straight" guy in denial?

maxpowr9

maxpowr9

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No, this is not about me. I know I love dick.

This is about one of my very good friends and I'm turning to you guys for some input. I am by no means trying to "out" him in any way. I'm just trying to understand this situation better. Kind of long so bare with me.

So my good friend who I will call Jeff, is 27 and single. When I first met him, not sure if it was my gaydar going off, but something about him seemed gay. He was well dressed and groomed and everything. He's defiantely hot and in shape, a bit of a gym rat. Of course I don't think of him in a sexual way. I'm sure a picture would explain it better but can't post it here so...

I have known him for about two years and our friendship has grown over that time. I came out to him after about 4 months (not the first time but its not first thing I usually tell people when I met them or let it be the center of my personality). and he was fine with it. Overtime I kind of brushed off the little red flags that popped up that might make me think he's gay; he's got britney spears and justin timberlake albums on his ipod, he knows a cardigan is, and loves the color purple to name a few that stick out.

Now while in Australia, I unfortunately missed the pride parade in Boston which made me sad but, I saw some pictures of him at Pride on the internet and I though I would inquire about it. Now I wouldn't call him overtly "gay", he was just wearing a tight pink t-shirt in the pictures.

So today I go to hang out with him and now he has blonde streaks in his hair (on what little hair he has). So I start to talk about me being sad about missing pride and he told me how great pride was in Boston. I went last year and it was a lot of fun. HOWEVER, he continues to tell me that he also went to pride in Providence and NYC.

From my perspective, it is one thing to be an advocate or ally of gays. March in one parade in your city with your friends, sure. I think three is a bit excessive. He went to Providence and NYC parades alone. I know it is a fun time, but 3 of them for a 'straight' guy? I didn't press on any further about it.

Now, like I said earlier, I am by no means trying to out him (people should come out when they feel ready) and it won't really affect our relationsip too much if he did (atleast I dont think so). I'm just trying to make sense of all of this.

So what do you think about all of this?
 
I think if you really want to know, you should ask the one person who holds the answers you seek. Hint - he's not on this board.

Lex
 
you came out to him, so just ask him if he is or not.
 
no straight guy goes to pride, let alone 3 of them, and alone too boot.
 
Yeah, some of my "straight" friends do that, too. It bad enough that the gay ones go to BOS, PVD & NYC, but the "straight" ones, too? Come on now...

Don't worry - I missed the Boston Pride one, too.
And Providence.
And obviously NY.

I'm a bad gay.
 
You don't need to out him. He's outing himself to you and everyone by going to Pride and talking about it freely. My guess is, this is his way of having "the talk" without saying the word "gay" or "homosexual." Quite clever, I must admit.

Here's something you can do to subtly confirm this: Just assume he's gay and talk to him like you would any gay guy. If you've assumed wrong, he'll correct you. But, I doubt he will. He wants you to know.

Let us know what happens!
 
The next time you see him say "Miss Thing, I saw you working that pink T-Shirt. Well alright girl!" Darling, he's straight .......Straight to three mother fucking gay parades!
 
He definitely seems gay to me. Way too many little clues and actually some of them are just red flags. Straight guys don't talk about how great pride is and he has way too many homosexual tendencies.
 
I can only think that he looks upon you as being a little thick.

I agree with Lex. Ask him, not us.

And with Averageguy. Just treat him like a normal gay guy.

If he thinks he isn't he'll tell you.
 
Three gay pride parades, pink shirt, blonde streaks?

I don't usually buy into stereotypes, but really- Helen Keller could figure this out.

He's already told you he's gay.
 
averageguy said:
You don't need to out him. He's outing himself to you and everyone by going to Pride and talking about it freely. My guess is, this is his way of having "the talk" without saying the word "gay" or "homosexual." Quite clever, I must admit.

Here's something you can do to subtly confirm this: Just assume he's gay and talk to him like you would any gay guy. If you've assumed wrong, he'll correct you. But, I doubt he will. He wants you to know.

Let us know what happens!
Click to expand...

I agree 100%. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My friend kept sending me jokes or ambiguous messages on the topic. We had a very good relationship and I decided not to make him feel uncomfortable. I just assumed he was gay and not to expect a "coming out" statement from him. We did the same things as before but I was more open with my life as a gay man. Apparently, the words "gay" or "homosexual" were particularly difficult for him, but he had no problem letting me know that he had gone to a gay neighborhood or watched the latest gay movie. Don't force the situation. Be friendly and avoid (if possible) the search for external clues on his music taste, clothes, etc. (I have a couple of 100% male straight friends who have attended Pride a few times...)

There are no rigid categories. Your friend might be curious, bisexual, gay in the closet or anything in between. Be yourself and he might open on his sexuality (or not)
 
my one friend who is a girl loves the cock trust me on that, she went to 4 pride parades and was in san fran this year for that one... means nothing, i would out him on it ask him why he would go to a pride parade if he was straight
 
billybob109 said:
my one friend who is a girl loves the cock trust me on that, she went to 4 pride parades and was in san fran this year for that one... means nothing, i would out him on it ask him why he would go to a pride parade if he was straight
Click to expand...


going to a gay bar, pride, etc for a straight girl is totally different then going for a straight male.
 
So I figured I would do a little update about it.

I decided to something a bit "gay" and we did Sunday brunch in Boston today. I was being a bit flirty with our waiter and he didn't seem to mind that I was. Obviously he did notice and this was basically a conversation starter about the whole subject. So I started to talk about the whole "gay" thing with him and his "tendencies", and to use the adage, "you learn something new everyday". It turns out his younger brother is gay. Not quite sure if he is using him as a scapegoat here. He doesn't really talk about his family that much because he isn't that close to them. I've met his mom and dad before but never his brother because he lives in Cali. He pulled out a picture of his brother from his wallet (which is cute) and I'm like "yeah he's gay" lol. He told me he went to pride for his brother (also cute). Reckon I still think going to three is a bit over the top.

After walking and talking around Boston for a bit, we walked into Barney's and we picked up some shirts (which I helped him pick out). He didn't even mind me critiqueing him on how he looks (ego boost perhaps?). Apparantly he gets his fashion sense from his brother and few of his gay friends (including me).

I guess my conclusion for all of this is that when a straight guy has a decent amount of gay influences in their life, those tendencies can rub off onto straight men, but that doesn't necessarily make them gay. It also helps that he's pretty open minded. As for the whole 'single' thing, I have no idea about that one but, this his business and thats another story for another time.
 
If you really want to know, the best thing is to ask.

I’ve been working in the gay community for many years. There is a trend among young people to do away with labels relating to sexuality. I have mixed feelings about this. It’s unfortunate for those who are struggling with identity and trying to find a category to fit into. On the other hand, many of us in the community have been working towards the day when sexual orientation is not a big deal and people are accepted as they are without need for explanations. I think this movement among young people, small as it still is, is movement in that direction.

In March of every year there is a major conference in Connecticut, called True Colors, for GLBT youth and their service providers. I have presented workshops at this conference about 10 times. I see kids arriving from all over the Northeastern United States, many in school buses. Most of them are members of Gay/Straight Alliances. Most of the time I cannot tell which kids are straight and which are gay and often I’m wrong.

I also have a lesbian friend who has a son in his early 20s. He doesn’t not identify as gay although his mother thinks he is. He always volunteers at gay pride helping set up, serving as security, collecting money, etc. He’s always bare-chested by the end of the day. He has had girlfriends. He has also had male friends spend the night and sleep naked in his bed. He once told his mother that in choosing a life partner, the person’s gender is not as important as the character. I guess some people would call him bisexual although he obviously feels more comfortable among gay people than straight people. His mother says that he is in denial and that someday he’ll come out. I think he already has. He doesn’t want to apply a label; he just wants to be himself.

This is a very long way of saying that even if you ask your friend you may not get a direct answer. I suggest that if this is someone who you are interested in having a romantic relationship with, ask him on a date and see what happens. Otherwise, leave things as they are. If he his someone whom you feel comfortable being yourself with, then his identifying as gay does not make a difference.
 
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