Straight men and Me.... Seeking advice.

[alexanderhernandez]

Hello guys!

I'm gonna talk about something that has basically been in the back of my head forever, but has just kind of been pushed to the surface by a recent realization.

I'm openly gay, sexually active, employed, have many friends, etc... A functional member of society by all means. There's one (among other) thing that worries me about myself is that I don't seem to fit well among other gay men... I pretty much don't have any gay friends, and I'm not sure why that is. I know plenty of gay guys, I've had many casual, and sometimes not so casual, sexual partners. Sometimes those early friendships have gotten complicated by sex.

All of my male friends a straight, and most of my female friends are also straight. I always get the "Oh! You're gay? I wouldn't have guessed if you hadn't told me!" thing, that sounds like a compliment, but doesn't really mean anything to me. My "masculine" behavior comes mostly out of early childhood conditioning from my Mom. Whenever she would see any mannerisms that were at all feminine, she would slap my wrist, say that I sounded "faggy" and ask me if I wanted to be sent to a psychologist to see what was wrong with me. Off course I would stop it, and try to behave as what I was taught is a "real man."

I grew up in a sort of conservative latin household in Venezuela, and went to a private mixed catholic school. Back then, most of the guys I found myself attracted to were straight guys, and wasn't really exposed to openly gay guys until much later. The first man I ever fell in love with - alone, like an idiot - is straight, and I had to stop our friendship because it was simply too painful to have him in my life but not being able to "be with him."

Today this has become a problem that I don't even know how to start addressing. I find myself still attracted to mostly straight men. I seek gay guys who aren't obviously gay, or bisexual men, or straight guys who are curious and want to experiment. I'm sexually turned off by men who are "feminine."

I've lost so many opportunities to have relationships with guys who are great, but because I'm afraid I won't be able to perform sexually as a result of them being feminine. It's my fault, not theirs, off course. I know consciously that there is nothing wrong with them, but my dick just doesn't respond... Pardon my french.

To this day I haven't found a man who will get me going like the guys I fantasize about in my head, and is quite unrealistic that I ever will... That scares the shit out of me...

Anyone else relates? How do you deal with it? If at all...

 

[aaggii]

Go see a psychologist, a good one. They will help you a lot, because you will have to erase the masc/fem definition from your head, for example try to spend more time with gay men, clubs, bars, groups, wherever you feel comfortable - and it´s pretty hard to do it by yourself.

Or maybe simply you are not into feminine boys, there are subcategories where you would fit in more: muscle, bears etc. Brooklyn is a pretty big place, so the world is yours.

 

[Seasoned]

Seeking therapeutic help makes a lot of sense. My mom did a similar number on me and I've been fairly successful with a more well rounded mindset. Finding LGBT groups and community centers is a good first step as are gay or straight/gay sports teams and leagues.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, you were quite literally taught from the cradle that effeminate men were undesirable, and probably that gay men were all effeminate. Some gay men lose all interest the moment the other guy says he's gay. It's the same thing.

You combat this by finding gay men and associating with them, where you will hopefully find that none of this matters in the least little bit.

- - - Updated - - -

Forgot to say, you aren't crazy, this is very common.

- - - Updated - - -

I did it myself.

 

[TX-Beau]

I got over it.

 

[jbrown329]

If you do see a psychologist, first order of business is to tell them you are gay. Look carefully for their reaction. If the reaction is not good, leave. Find another one. That's exactly what I did when I saw one that I could tell that he didn't 'agree' with my 'lifestyle'.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Hello guys!

I'm gonna talk about something that has basically been in the back of my head forever, but has just kind of been pushed to the surface by a recent realization.

I'm openly gay, sexually active, employed, have many friends, etc... A functional member of society by all means. There's one (among other) thing that worries me about myself is that I don't seem to fit well among other gay men... I pretty much don't have any gay friends, and I'm not sure why that is. I know plenty of gay guys, I've had many casual, and sometimes not so casual, sexual partners. Sometimes those early friendships have gotten complicated by sex.

All of my male friends a straight, and most of my female friends are also straight. I always get the "Oh! You're gay? I wouldn't have guessed if you hadn't told me!" thing, that sounds like a compliment, but doesn't really mean anything to me. My "masculine" behavior comes mostly out of early childhood conditioning from my Mom. Whenever she would see any mannerisms that were at all feminine, she would slap my wrist, say that I sounded "faggy" and ask me if I wanted to be sent to a psychologist to see what was wrong with me. Off course I would stop it, and try to behave as what I was taught is a "real man."

I grew up in a sort of conservative latin household in Venezuela, and went to a private mixed catholic school. Back then, most of the guys I found myself attracted to were straight guys, and wasn't really exposed to openly gay guys until much later. The first man I ever fell in love with - alone, like an idiot - is straight, and I had to stop our friendship because it was simply too painful to have him in my life but not being able to "be with him."

Today this has become a problem that I don't even know how to start addressing. I find myself still attracted to mostly straight men. I seek gay guys who aren't obviously gay, or bisexual men, or straight guys who are curious and want to experiment. I'm sexually turned off by men who are "feminine."

I've lost so many opportunities to have relationships with guys who are great, but because I'm afraid I won't be able to perform sexually as a result of them being feminine. It's my fault, not theirs, off course. I know consciously that there is nothing wrong with them, but my dick just doesn't respond... Pardon my french.

To this day I haven't found a man who will get me going like the guys I fantasize about in my head, and is quite unrealistic that I ever will... That scares the shit out of me...

Anyone else relates? How do you deal with it? If at all...

No one ever lives up to a fantasy of the "perfect" we create in our minds. Thinking that you will find someone perfect will always end in failure.

As for your attraction, I believe it is very common, but you can easily overcome it by exposing yourself to more gay men. That is what happened to me when I first started going out and meeting gay men. Trust me, we are not all effeminate, but I think once you expose yourself to more gay people you will be able to tell the difference between someone who is comfortable in their skin vs. dismissing the majority of gay men as effeminate.


I went through this same maturation last year in Atlanta, with thinking I could not find anyone masculine enough that I was attracted to. What eventually allowed me to grow from this was going out and meeting gay men and speaking with them, making friends, etc., so that my idea of masculine could evolve. Through the process I also gained more confidence in myself. You have to be proactive about this as I was, since I also started with 0 gay friends.