Straight to bi-curious to admitting ‘I am Gay’. Advice appreciated…

[firsttimeagain]

I posted this as a response to another straight/bi post and thought it is deserving to stand alone. I need input…

Well, straight or bisexual has always been a mystery for me. Not really sure about labels. I have always been straight in my relationships and love women and have had amazing heterosexual relationships over the years.

But, way before any of that, at a very young age I was always curious. So much so that as far back as I can remember when getting a hard on as a kid, I always thought about wanting to play with another cock. All of my masturbation time has been dominated by my desire for sucking cock and eating cum. That has never happened in real life, but all of my fantasies just seem very natural and the desire is real. Even during happy times in heterosexual relationships I still fantasized about cocks. It has always been about cocks in my mind. I’ve never acted on it and never even had a situation that was close in real life. I have suppressed it since a very young boy.

I’ve always thought, what if? My fantasies have always been very vivid and I want it deeply. But, I could never have a one night stand.

All of this has been in my mind forever. I have not been in any relationship sexual or otherwise for about three years now. In this time I have truly started considering much more sexual than I ever thought was possible. In watching videos, all gay with no desire to watch heterosexual videos, I used to skip to only the oral stuff I wanted. Of course, in passing, I would see the other stuff that I never considered. Well, that has changed over time and the more I see everything anal and kissing and caressing etc. the more I find myself wanting it all. It really turns me on now and makes me crazy horny just thinking about it. Heterosexual videos or thoughts just do not make me horny and is no interest to me anymore.

Again, I could not have a one night stand and for the most part I am not really attracted to men besides doing guy things and hanging out. I’m not sure if there is a relationship out there. I’ve never met anyone that I would consider on that level. More lately, I have wondered about joining eharmony or similar sites just to see if there are others out there that are like me.

Over the past number of years I really don’t see myself in another heterosexual relationship. I really think I want a full committed relationship with another man. A close trusting, monogamous, loving and caring relationship to enjoy each other’s company in a respectful way. I am straight in all I do and do not want to change the way I conduct my everyday life. I do not want to come out to the world, only to the one I want to spend time and share all with. Publicly, just friends, but relationship wise and intimately, all-in. I can’t believe I am saying this, but it’s true. It’s been a long time coming and I really don’t think I’m heterosexual or bisexual. I truly think I’m secretly gay and there is nothing else that I want more than to share it with a normal passionate loving caring man that wants the same thing. No feminine or gay acting or flaunting to the world. Im not like that at all. A true commitment on all levels in a clean relationship to enjoy all the possibilities we can imagine. A true lasting friendship with a deep physical and emotional bond. I want a man in my life that feels like I do. I’m not sure that is possible.

I’m picky in what I want on every level physically and emotionally. Does that exist? Can that exist? I’m not sure how to approach it, but I’m finally realizing that this is real and not just a fantasy in my mind anymore. I want it more than ever and have never experienced anything other than fantasies and a strong desire. I have come to terms with it and look forward to seeing if I can meet the right man to share with in a long term relationship. I’m not heterosexual anymore or bisexual. I am gay, with no experience. I’m OK with that as it has taken a long time to finally admit it to myself. I guess I’ve been running from it or suppressing it. It’s been a long time coming and I am patient to find the right man.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated…

 

[KaraBulut]

I broke up your post into paragraphs to try to make it a little easier to respond to.

...But, way before any of that, at a very young age I was always curious. So much so that as far back as I can remember when getting a hard on as a kid, I always thought about wanting to play with another cock. All of my masturbation time has been dominated by my desire for sucking cock and eating cum. That has never happened in real life,...

Again, I could not have a one night stand and for the most part I am not really attracted to men besides doing guy things and hanging out. I’m not sure if there is a relationship out there. I’ve never met anyone that I would consider on that level.

There's two different things in these 2 paragraphs. This might be a case of "thinking out loud" but just to be clear, "doing guy things and hanging out" is very much a trait of gay and bisexual men. Most gay guys will tell you they have encountered guys who presented as "straight" but who liked a variety of things that vary from "just hanging out with the guys" to doing specific sexual acts with guys, like trading handjobs or blowing guys. Does this make them bisexual or pansexual? Maybe. They're definitely not 100% straight.

More lately, I have wondered about joining eharmony or similar sites just to see if there are others out there that are like me.

Over the past number of years I really don’t see myself in another heterosexual relationship. I really think I want a full committed relationship with another man.

Which is different from what was in the earlier paragraphs.

It's not just about cocks. What you're pondering and describing is dating a guy and exploring the possibility of a same-sex relationship. You don't have to label that as "gay", "bi" or "pan" but let's be honest about what it is: You're at a point in your life where you want a relationship with a man- companionship, sexual and otherwise.

I am straight in all I do and do not want to change the way I conduct my everyday life. I do not want to come out to the world, only to the one I want to spend time and share all with. Publicly, just friends, but relationship wise and intimately, all-in.

This is confusing a few things.

Gender and sexuality are related but they don't track together. Gay men can be what society would describe as "masculine" or "feminine". The same is true of straight men, by the way. Society has become more tolerant of sexuality but society is still struggling with accepting men who don't fit into the "masculine" stereotype. The point is that you can suck cock, be in a relationship with a guy but that doesn't change your gender expression; you can still be masculine and be in a relationship with a guy.

Does that exist? Can that exist?

This, historically, has been a common discussion on JUB, in both the support forums and in the Straight/Bi forum.

Where you are is like a young kid standing on the diving board trying to make a decision about whether to jump in the pool or get off the board. You've been on the diving board for a while and the only way you're going to find out the answers to your question is to get out there and experiment.

It might take you some time to find what you're looking for. You might have to go through some things that you haven't been through in a while, like crushes, first loves and bad choices. But practice makes perfect.

Bottom line: until you get out there and start talking to other guys who are interested in things that you're interested in, you're going to be stuck on that diving board.

 

[firsttimeagain]

Thank you for your input. Thanks for breaking it into paragraphs too, it makes it easier for me to read it and think about it. You are correct with the bottom line…I’ve been stuck on that diving board for as long as I can remember. I really just don’t know where to start to look to find anyone that is in the same situation as I am in. All of the guys that I hang out with are heterosexual and I’m really not attracted to them in that way.

I’ve only had one experience of actually being super attracted to a guy and it was at my gym a number of years ago. I have posted in detail about that. But, we were on the same schedule and always found ourselves in the shower at the same time. An open shower, for up to four per tower with two towers. 99% of the time we were alone. I was so attracted to him physically and he had to know it, he had the same swimmers build as I and his cock was very much like mine. It was beautiful and I wanted it so badly. With no experience I was too scared to say anything, but he had to know. It had to be pretty obvious I was looking, and my cock was always simi-hard on the verge of a full hard on. I blew the opportunity I never say anything so I will never know. I really regret not at least saying something, I just did not know what to say in fear of freaking him out if he didn’t feel the same as I did. Unfortunately, that gym is not around anymore. Sorry for getting off base. Just trying to make the point of the long struggle.

Well I’m definitely not 100% straight nor do I think I ever have been, I just have zero male to male experience.

Yes, I want more than a one night stand because once would never be enough. A relationship to build trust and a deeper bond and a close friendship with a like minded thinker would make it more fun and meaningful. Talk about what we want, what we like or dislike and try our best to please each other’s desires in a respectful way. I guess you are correct again that it is not just about the cock, it is a relationship, to date, wine and dine and grow together to be all in. But, it is about the cock too. I’m really specific in what turns me on and the cock needs to be very much like mine for the physical attraction. That may be shallow, but it is a part of the puzzle that is undeniable.

I prefer masculine but tender. Nothing rough or dominating. Compassionate loving caring but not in a feminine kind of way. Very respectful…

Crushes or first loves with a guy has never happened for me. I’m not sure what that would look like. In many ways I’m not attracted to men. Or I guess I have not met or hung out with the right one. Bad choices are scary but might be inevitable in the quest to find the right one. I hope not. Practice makes perfect in a physical way is the reason I know a one night stand will not work for me. I want to please and be pleased. But, I think you are talking about practice in a different way, with developing a relationship. That will take time because I do not know where to start which is frustrating.

I’m ready to dive in even if it is scary as it seems. I’m nervous just being here talking about it, but I’m making progress in my mind and that is a good start. It is pretty bold to finally say, I’m gay. I just do not have any experience. That may seem strange too. However, some may say I’m not gay because I have no experience. Well I don’t, except in my mind all the way back to childhood. So, I’m ready to get off the diving board and change curious to experienced. It’s not just about the cock, but I sure want cock and cum every way possible that is undeniable. Just with the right guy.

Thanks again for your insight and helping clarify some things. It is a bit confusing. So, if you have any suggestions as to where I can start in my quest, all suggestions are welcome…

 

[KaraBulut]

I've been to parts near where you are. There are plenty of guys looking for other guys. They're a little more discreet in smaller towns but once you meet a few people, you won't have a problem once you get your foot in the water.

Probably in your case, the easiest option are the apps. You can use the apps for networking and where everyone hangs out. It's not uncommon for there to be a low-key bar or restaurant where everyone hangs out. If you're willing to drive to a larger city, you will have more options for meetups and experimenting. Relationships are a good long-term goal but you might want to view your first few sexual experiences as being like riding with the training wheels on.

Be upfront about your situation and that you're new to it. That will get rid of some of the assumptions about no-strings-attached sex and also will scare off people who aren't willing to show patience and grace with someone who is still finding their way.

 

[firsttimeagain]

No matter how long I’ve been thinking about it and fantasizing about it, the first sexual experiences will be with trading wheels. I guess to find someone that is in my same situation would be wishful thinking. The apps scare me because it’s probably more experienced guys and that could be intimidating. But, someone willing to show me the ropes could be good too, sexually. I just don’t want to be promiscuous and unsafe either. To get to know someone and find a trusting monogamous relationship would be preferred for long term. Short term, I guess some experience would help me be a better lover for the long term relationship. The chicken or the egg. Lol. I do want the cock and the sex really bad so it could make it tempting if I am comfortable with the guy. But I want a good man that wants me, and I want the sex over and over again. I want it to be special, that’s why I say I’ve come to terms that I’m gay because it is deeper than sex. A relationship is a partner and hopefully a relationship will make the sex special and I desire that for sure. I’m sorry for rambling. Do you thing eharmany and sites like that are safer? I’m looking for a long term relationship? I know I’ve got to get my foot in the pool. Lol

 

[firsttimeagain]

I don’t think my geographic location is posted but it is not a big city. A couple of growing cities in driving distance. I know a lot of people and prefer they not know around here. They don’t need to know. Lol

 

[KaraBulut]

...The apps scare me because it’s probably more experienced guys and that could be intimidating. But, someone willing to show me the ropes could be good too, sexually.

Some of the other members can weigh in but from what I've been told, the apps have evolved into a networking tool.

There are people who use it for hookups, true. Especially late at night or on weekends.

But there are also a lot of people using the apps to find each other and for an informal friends network. This seems to be particularly true outside urban areas.

 

[TX-Beau]

Just a caution, being closeted is problematic for what you describe you want. Generally, the guys who present a realistic chance at it are not going to be OK being told to hide who they are and lie to their friends and family. If you're looking for closeted hookups, that's easy to find, but that generally goes nowhere because if you can't share your life - all of it with your partner, and your friends and family, you don't have the trust and commitment necessary to build something lasting. A whole lot of us go through that phase when coming to terms with ourselves, like the rest of your self-revelations, that will also probably evolve over time. Consider this, straight people out themselves deliberately publicly, and constantly, it's a privilege they demand for themselves.

There is nothing wrong with labels, your name, your nationality, your ethnicity - all of that as well as the very language you're speaking is all labels. Life is stuffed full of labels for everyone, in every circumstance and context, it's telling that the only labels we all want to avoid are the ones that require us to admit we like dick to some degree.

Embrace your label, and if none fit you, make one up just for you.

About the rest. I spent a lot of wasted time trying to date women, and when I finally had sex with a guy, the difference was so stark and so intense that women very quickly disappeared into irrelevance. Back then I was perfectly fine with hetero sex, there is no way in hell I'd settle for that now. Seriously, it took like a week to abandon the snatch.

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

Yes I am still on my quest. It feels good to have finally come to terms with being gay. Though it is not reality as far as experience goes. I’m very hopeful. However, I have not found anyone yet. Everything takes longer than it takes. Lol. I joined eharmony and no luck so far. Do you have any other suggestions for sites or safe apps?

I forget where you are located. I had reasonable luck (no boyfriends for me, which is mostly my fault, but at least quite a few promising possibilities) with OK Cupid last time I was on the market. But I'm in NYC, where there are plenty of gay men of lots of ages. It would be a different matter if I were in, say, Oklahoma ...

I've not used the apps, I'm afraid, so I can't advise you there other than to say that I've known people (a) who've gotten laid a lot but didn't want a boyfriend, (b) who've found boyfriends, and (c) who've been very disappointed on both Grindr and Scruff. I've heard fewer complaints about Scruff, but it also appears to have a smaller userbase. I understand that gay people also use Tinder now, but I haven't encountered anyone who's used it.

 

[firsttimeagain]

I’m in South Carolina pretty conservative in a lot of ways. But, I’m sure there are guys here I just don’t know how to find likeminded guys. I’m not interested in a hookup so apps are a little scary honestly, that’s why I thought relationships sites would be better. It’s hard to say. Not much on eharmony thus far, just a few conversations. I don’t want to come out to the world but I want to find a safe way to get my foot in the water, meet guys and at least talk about stuff. That would be a good start. It may take time to meet quite a number of people before finding someone compatible. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. The pure sex side of things has to be slow. But, a mutual jack off partner would be a good start too. Lol. I know, that’s probably risky too. Slightly confused. Just meeting like-minded guys to chat with will actually being amazing start with no expectations.

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

How far are you from Charleston? That'll be your best bet. There was a gay community even when I was growing up there in the '70s.

 

[firsttimeagain]

How far are you from Charleston? That'll be your best bet. There was a gay community even when I was growing up there in the '70s.

Unfortunately, it is about four hours away. Very good thought though. Definitely willing to drive a little bit, but that is a little much. I guess I don’t know a lot about socializing on that level either and assume it could be kind of complicated, but if you don’t go fishing, you’re not going to catch a fish. Lol. That’s why a relationship online service was my thought to weed through the madness. Even that seems a little awkward. Not much interaction thus far. It’s got to be safe on every level and must be sane and normal on every level. I’m just a normal, hard-working every day guy. I’ve just always had that hidden desire to share with the right guy? All the best relationships I’ve had with females I was really not looking for it, it just happened. In this case, it is very different, not knowing if someone is open and like-minded. Thanks for your input.

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

Unfortunately, it is about four hours away.

You're up by Greenville and Spartanburg? [gives the sort of supercilious horrified shudder that only a Charlestonian could give]

Charlotte. Drive to Charlotte. It's big enough that you won't get caught by your neighbors there, and if you do, well, you won't be holding hands in public anyway, so you're just meeting a buddy. Maybe you can meet up with our friend @fabulouslyghetto.

In your profile on OKCupid or wherever, you could give your location in the location field as Charlotte or metro Charlotte and then say, right up front in the self-introductory text blurb on your profile, that you are located a moderate drive away but prefer to date in Charlotte for now.

 

[TX-Beau]

Unfortunately, it is about four hours away. Very good thought though. Definitely willing to drive a little bit, but that is a little much. I guess I don’t know a lot about socializing on that level either and assume it could be kind of complicated, but if you don’t go fishing, you’re not going to catch a fish. Lol. That’s why a relationship online service was my thought to weed through the madness. Even that seems a little awkward. Not much interaction thus far. It’s got to be safe on every level and must be sane and normal on every level. I’m just a normal, hard-working every day guy. I’ve just always had that hidden desire to share with the right guy? All the best relationships I’ve had with females I was really not looking for it, it just happened. In this case, it is very different, not knowing if someone is open and like-minded. Thanks for your input.

I doubt you're going to find what you are apparently looking for online. Anyway, you have to meet the guy at some point, I find there is more madness online than not.

The only way you're going to know if you are compatible with a guy is to interact with him as a real person. You can find a guy online that checks all the right boxes, then go meet him and he's nothing like what you thought on his profile, not necessarily because he was dishonest, though there is a lot of that as well, just that there is no spark. He has some characteristics that you find undesirable, or he just isn't interested in you for whatever reason.

A lot of guys forget that attraction must go both ways, it's impossible to gauge that on the net.

 

[KaraBulut]

Unfortunately, it is about four hours away. Very good thought though. Definitely willing to drive a little bit, but that is a little much. I guess I don’t know a lot about socializing on that level either and assume it could be kind of complicated, but if you don’t go fishing, you’re not going to catch a fish.

There's a lot more LGBT people in rural parts of American than you would believe. If not, there would be no one to make the food in their restaurants, cut and color their hair, teach their children and plan their weddings.

Speaking of fishing, I've known a lot of guys in small towns who have their fishing or hunting buddy that is actually their FWB. There's a lot of accommodations that are made to make it all work. You'll find a lot of sympathetic people who are in similar situations to yours.

At this point, you're still trying to figure out what you want. If you're looking to dip your toe in the pond and experiment, then driving a distance for discrete hookups might be where you start to maintain your privacy. Once you've moved beyond just "curious", you may have a clearer idea of whether you want to return to dating women with occasional hookups with guys or whether you want something more lasting and more frequent with guys. At this point, everything is just theoretical, so it's hard to give certain advice when you're still not sure whether you're just curious or whether it's more than just a curiosity.

 

[firsttimeagain]

You're up by Greenville and Spartanburg? [gives the sort of supercilious horrified shudder that only a Charlestonian could give]

Charlotte. Drive to Charlotte. It's big enough that you won't get caught by your neighbors there, and if you do, well, you won't be holding hands in public anyway, so you're just meeting a buddy. Maybe you can meet up with our friend @fabulouslyghetto.

In your profile on OKCupid or wherever, you could give your location in the location field as Charlotte or metro Charlotte and then say, right up front in the self-introductory text blurb on your profile, that you are located a moderate drive away but prefer to date in Charlotte for now.

Yes, definitely closer to Charlotte than Charleston. Some very good thoughts as well.

 

[firsttimeagain]

I doubt you're going to find what you are apparently looking for online. Anyway, you have to meet the guy at some point, I find there is more madness online than not.

The only way you're going to know if you are compatible with a guy is to interact with him as a real person. You can find a guy online that checks all the right boxes, then go meet him and he's nothing like what you thought on his profile, not necessarily because he was dishonest, though there is a lot of that as well, just that there is no spark. He has some characteristics that you find undesirable, or he just isn't interested in you for whatever reason.

A lot of guys forget that attraction must go both ways, it's impossible to gauge that on the net.

Yea all things I’ve thought about. Chemistry is real and important and online would be hard to capture that. I thought it might be a place to start. I know numerous friends that have found a female on dating services and have now been married for years. So, I guess it’s possible, not sure how many people they met for coffee and never saw them again. Gotta be patient. I know that is true. I’ve been waiting my whole life so I expect it to take awhile. I’m sure there will be some dates that are a waste of time, but part of the process.

 

[firsttimeagain]

There's a lot more LGBT people in rural parts of American than you would believe. If not, there would be no one to make the food in their restaurants, cut and color their hair, teach their children and plan their weddings.

Speaking of fishing, I've known a lot of guys in small towns who have their fishing or hunting buddy that is actually their FWB. There's a lot of accommodations that are made to make it all work. You'll find a lot of sympathetic people who are in similar situations to yours.

At this point, you're still trying to figure out what you want. If you're looking to dip your toe in the pond and experiment, then driving a distance for discrete hookups might be where you start to maintain your privacy. Once you've moved beyond just "curious", you may have a clearer idea of whether you want to return to dating women with occasional hookups with guys or whether you want something more lasting and more frequent with guys. At this point, everything is just theoretical, so it's hard to give certain advice when you're still not sure whether you're just curious or whether it's more than just a curiosity.

I guess you can still consider where I am as curious because I have zero experience with another male. However, it has been a long time coming all the way back to childhood and ever since I started playing with myself, I always wanted a cock and cum. Always…so I think it is more than just curious. It is the deepest of desires. Yes all of my relationships have been with women, most were excellent on many levels. But, even during the best relationship with a female I have ever had, I’ve never stopped wanting and fantasizing about sex with a man. It has pretty much dominated all of my thoughts and fantasies since the first time i played with my cock. So much so, I never fantasize about having sex with a female. I had great sex with females over the years, but even in the heat of the moment, while having sex with a female, I still fantasize and wish I was having sex with a male. I do not watch heterosexual porn anymore. It does nothing for me. Just thinking about a cock drives me crazy and makes me feel like nothing else. Watching gay porn is all that turns me on and all that I want now.

All of that said…I think it is more than curious. In the true sense I am still curious until I have my first experience. But, in my mind, I am gay and that’s what I want. I look forward to trying everything over and over and I’ll be good at it. Lol. But, it can’t be with just anyone either. Yes, I have to dip my toe in the pond and I look so forward to that…thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.