stressed about being stressed

[aquadude81]

Hey guys, I'm new to JUB but I've been reading it for awhile. Everyone here is so supportive of each other, so I thought maybe I could ask you guys for advice on some problems I'm having.

I'll give a little background first. I'm a 27-year-old med student and I've been out for about 2 years now. For the most part, everyone in my life (friends and family) has taken it pretty well. There are a few scattered family members and friends who I have yet to tell, but mostly everyone knows. I'm currently single but I had a boyfriend (who is also my best friend) for about 4 years. We became friends in college, and I guess started "dating" but it was really just two friends having sex because we weren't ready to come out, even to each other (I know...it was messed up). Anyway, we both came out a couple years ago and then we decided to see other people because we're in different cities and we've never really had much experience with other guys.

Anyway, my entire life I've been a really anxious person. I can remember being a little kid (like...4 yrs old) and being so nervous to play with other kids on the playground. I mean, it's the freaking sandbox, right? Why be so nervous? But I could never figure it out. As I got older and started to realize I was gay in middle school, I freaked out. I did not handle it well at all and really beat myself up about it for a looooong time. I did major damage to my self esteem and confidence which still persists today. I'm sure this is not uncommon for other gay men who have trouble accepting their sexuality. In any case, I decided to blame my sexual orientation for all my anxiety/depression problems. In hindsight, this was pretty ridiculous. Especially after coming out in '06 did NOTHING to help me with my stress and anxiety. I guess I figured accepting being gay would fix it all, but it definitely didn't. I'm still incredibly down on myself all the time, not for being gay but for everything else.

So now I'm in this position where I'm out but still pretty unhappy with everything. I have a lot of straight friends, but very few gay friends. At first, I thought that didn't matter. But now I'm realizing it sucks not being able to hang out with other gay guys. I'm not even talking about sex, just for common interests and stuff. I have a couple gay friends who are really more acquaintances. I've been out to the gay bars/clubs with them a few times, but I never have a good time because I feel so self-conscious. Like I don't measure up. I always feel really ugly but I know I'm not. All my girl friends (and a few of the gay friends) are always telling me how hot I am. Girls are always hitting on me (but not guys ). Everytime I go to a gay bar I get a million people asking me if I'm straight. I even had one girl tell me there was no way I was gay because of the way I was dressed (apparently I didn't dress "gay enough"). That really helped with my self esteem.

I really want to go out and be more social and have fun. I feel like I could have such a better life if I wasn't always so nervous and down on myself. People who get to know me really like me. I just never give anyone that opportunity because I'm so nervous they won't like me. How fucked up is that? I don't know what to do. I tried seeing a psychiatrist through school last year, but she just kept asking me weird questions about my sexuality. Like what part of the man's body did I find most attractive when I was a young child. WTF???

Anyway, if anyone has been through something similar, or has any advice, please let me know.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB.

Let's start by pointing out a few things in your post:

I'm currently single but I had a boyfriend (who is also my best friend) for about 4 years. We became friends in college, and I guess started "dating" but it was really just two friends having sex because we weren't ready to come out, even to each other (I know...it was messed up).

There's nothing messed up about having a friend who is also a boyfriend. Friendships are the healthiest basis for a romantic relationship.

Anyway, my entire life I've been a really anxious person. I can remember being a little kid (like...4 yrs old) and being so nervous to play with other kids on the playground. I mean, it's the freaking sandbox, right? Why be so nervous? But I could never figure it out. As I got older and started to realize I was gay in middle school, I freaked out. I did not handle it well at all and really beat myself up about it for a looooong time. I did major damage to my self esteem and confidence which still persists today.

I really want to go out and be more social and have fun. I feel like I could have such a better life if I wasn't always so nervous and down on myself. People who get to know me really like me. I just never give anyone that opportunity because I'm so nervous they won't like me. How fucked up is that?

You've made an association between two things- being gay and anxiety- that may be related but one is not the cause of the other.

Some chlidren have a natural tendency toward introversion and insecurity in social situations. However, when it reaches a point where you are "freaked out", it becomes a problem. This problem is a referred to as social anxiety disorder.

Being gay might be one source of anxiety but it is not necessarily the cause of your social anxiety.

I don't know what to do. I tried seeing a psychiatrist through school last year, but she just kept asking me weird questions about my sexuality. Like what part of the man's body did I find most attractive when I was a young child. WTF???

The key for you is to work through your intimacy and communication issues. This will help with your relationships- both friendships and romantic relationships.

Don't give up on therapy. Psychiatrists may not be the best option for dealing with an anxiety disorder or self-esteem issues. Group therapy and counseling would probably benefit you the most.

 

[Caeth]

I've actually had a lot of similar issues growing up with anxiety and being gay. Coming out didn't solve my anxiety problems...though it did give me the wherewithal and confidence to control them more.

My suggestion is to find a psychiatrist with whom you are comfortable. I took medication for a little bit and it helped a LOT. Weekly psychiatry sessions have helped a ton as well. I don't know if medication will work for you, but talking to someone will help.

Keep working at it...eventually you'll be at a point in your life where you do have friends and are much more satisfied with your life. (took me a loooooooong time) Eventually you'll even be able to confront the things you're unsatisfied with without freaking out (even longer time).

Good luck!

Oh and I'm studying for the MCATs. What a fucking bitch

 

[trawler69]

If you find the answer could you tell me what it is as I have exactly the same symptoms.

 

[aquadude81]

There's nothing messed up about having a friend who is also a boyfriend. Friendships are the healthiest basis for a romantic relationship.

No I didn't mean it like that, I think it came out wrong. I meant the whole relationship was messed up because we were basically dating and wouldn't admit to each other that we were gay. I agree, being friends with the person you date can be the basis for an amazing relationship.

I appreciate your comments. I think I might try therapy one more time. I think I need to be on an SSRI or something. At least until I get all anxiety stuff under control a bit more.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi aquadude and welcome to JUB.

These types of social phobias and axieties are not uncommon. Fortunately, they are pretty treatable with effective therapy. As KaraBulut says, group therapy or some sessions with a therapist (psychologist) vs a psychiatrist might work better for this.

There are many strategies that can be used, depending on what's underneath it and your personality. Know that you are not alone by any means and, in larger cities (or larger clinical practices) there are groups dedicated to dealing with this issue through mutual support and discussion.

There's no reason for you to feel so tortured--especially for so long. I hope you're able to find some effective guidance on this soon. Report back in and let us know how you're doing and, more importantly for others, what you did to address it.

Good luck!

 

[aquadude81]

Keep working at it...eventually you'll be at a point in your life where you do have friends and are much more satisfied with your life. (took me a loooooooong time) Eventually you'll even be able to confront the things you're unsatisfied with without freaking out (even longer time).

Thanks, that's helpful. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful for all the [straight] friends I have. They are amazing people. I guess it just gets to a point where no matter how close I am to them, being gay is something they just don't understand. It's just something we can't bond over.

I need more gay friends.

Oh and I'm studying for the MCATs. What a fucking bitch

Man, I feel for ya. August test? I hear it's computerized now. I think I was the last group who sat for the paper/pencil version. Good luck!

 

[Caeth]

nope, in a little over a week on the 8th. trying to keep calm but im soooo nervous.

and really try to find a psychiatrist...and even try medication. not being able to control anxiety is awful and who the fuck knows why it happens. i distinctly remember having anxiety attacks some nights and thinking "why the fuck am i feeling this way...everything is fine!". good luck and i feel for you

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB. Loved your show on Saturday mornings.

You do sort of fit the mold of "social anxiety disorder". You may be able to handle this yourself, but considering that you've been grappling with this your whole life, you may actually need some professional help with it. I'll give you some generic advice, which you might want to give a try.

It's natural to be uncomfortable and even a bit intimitidated in new social situations. One thing that can help is to keep your focus fully on the other people. Try not to focus on how YOU feel, or how YOU think the guy you're talking to feels about YOU. Instead, focus on HIM. Work on making HIM comfortable, even if he already appears to be.

The two main rules for conversation:

1. Find your common ground.
2. Talk - or, better yet, ask questions - based on that common ground.

So you're in a gay bar. There's your common ground. Run with it. "Is this your first time here?" "Have you tried any of the specialty drinks here?" "Is it always this loud/crowded/dead here?" The answers you get will lead you to other questions, and other topics of conversation.

If people ask if you're straight, take that as a compliment. Smile and say, "You know, I get that a lot. But no - I'm 100% gay." And keep on talking.

You might also think about doing something besides going to gay bars. Do an online search, and look into gay clubs/organizations in your area. What's something you might like to do? Some pick-up volleyball? A bike club? A volunteer group? All of these groups sort of nudge you into interacting with people, and you're more likely to get to know a larger group of people than in a gay bar.

If you're still having problems, do go back to therapy. Tell the therapist precisely where your problems lie. Your problem isn't your homosexuality - it's your difficutly with interacting with strangers.

Good luck!

Lex

 

[hanshansen]

Lex's advice is very good.

I can relate to a lot of this. I'm almost 30. When I was younger I always felt very different from other people (for a variety of reasons, including my sexual issues) and my default position was that people would never understand me and would bite my head off for the smallest mistake. It became a vicious circle because I felt like a freak for being so socially inept. People commented that I always put myself down ... A guy in grad school who had been in a war zone said to me that I looked shell-shocked. It was so bad that I wouldn't use lifts in the office because I was afraid I'd run into people and have to talk to them. At the same time people who I saw regularly over a long period of time (like months) and who were used to me did like me and were easy to talk to.

This is something you can get over. I've had various people in the last several weeks tell me that I'm a people person and popular and a social butterfly and that I have great people skills. I'm not saying that to sound arrogant, but to demonstrate that you can change and perceptions of you can change. I guess it took me about two years.

I can think of a couple of milestones in my life in those two years. On an overseas trip (no consequences if things went wrong) I allowed myself to become friendly with this girl and she didn't reject me. On this site a very smart person (tallguy297?) told me that nice people would forgive me my shyness. That statement made a huge impression on me. I started to do little things like smile at people and say hello and they'd smile and say hello back. Also on this site, I ended up telling someone about all my baggage and he didn't laugh at me, he took me seriously and spent a lot of time talking through stuff with me. I moved into an apartment with roommates promising myself that I would be myself and not put on some kind of persona. The people I met there have become some of my most supportive and loyal and encouraging friends, they've possibly done the most to convince me that I'm a good person with a lot to offer.

You have to unlearn the mistrust. You have to repeat the experience of showing people that you trust them with good intentions and having them validate that trust. Over and over until you no longer have to think about it. Some people will disappoint you but I've found that they're in the minority. You can make them a minority if you gravitate towards people who are likely to be accepting of you as you are.

Other things that have helped me are: reading novels and seeing movies and talking to people and finding out that outwardly successful hetero people are a lot more like me than I thought. Reading about personality types and body language. Asking people with good people skills what their secret is, how they hold conversations, and getting answers like Lex's.

As for your gay acquaintances and gay bars ... you have to find people you're comfortable with, and they'll get that positive vibe and feel comfortable with you. I guess that comes through trial and error. I've never felt at ease in gay bars or even with gay social groups, I hate the rituals and the posturing and the hidden codes. The one group that I have made really good gay friends through is a gay support group, an AA type thing ... the friends I've made there aren't basket cases, but they understand my coming out issues and some of my baggage and they haven't been socialised into a gay scene so much that they can't imagine a life outside that. I feel on the level with them. They're great.

That was long and detailed, but I hope it helps a bit.

 

[rareboy]

Follow all the good advice above.

Get a different therapist. A gay guy if possible. If you don't understand the reason for the questions they are asking, ask them to clarify why they are going in a particular direction. If they are a good therapist, they'll tell you. You also may need a psychologist more than a psychotherapist in order to help you train yourself to overcome social anxiety.

Your stress is likely as much a physiological condition as anything. You're a med student. You should have some understanding of the causes and ways of managing stress. You need to identify your stress triggers; ie the events or situations that make your fight/flight responses kick into high gear and work to manage those.

Good luck.

 

[KaraBulut]

I think I might try therapy one more time. I think I need to be on an SSRI or something. At least until I get all anxiety stuff under control a bit more.

SSRIs work in some people- in others, they exacerbate anxiety.

Anxiolytics mask the symptoms but don't address the cause.

You may want to look for a therapist who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy. It seems to be more effective in treatment of social-anxiety and self-image issues.

 

[954dude]

When I'm stressed, I like to write my feelings down and get to the bottom of the stress. Whatever it may be, it's never too much for you to handle.

So...write what's bothering you, all aspects of it, and then combat everything with a solution. It can become an endless cycle if you don't address it properly.

 

[aquadude81]

Thanks guys, for all your responses. I really do think I have social anxiety problems, if not the disorder itself. I'm gonna set up another appointment to meet with a professional. Hopefully I can work through this sooner rather than later.

 

[Caeth]

problem with anxiety disorders is that you can know what's bothering you and even can think of a solution- but you still feel rampant anxiety. in fact thinking about a solution just makes you MORE anxious so you just try to "get away from it all".


at least that's from personal experience

 

[954dude]

problem with anxiety disorders is that you can know what's bothering you and even can think of a solution- but you still feel rampant anxiety. in fact thinking about a solution just makes you MORE anxious so you just try to "get away from it all".


at least that's from personal experience

It's not about finding a solution and avoiding it, it's about combating it. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for years, I'm winning the fight through accepting that something IS wrong, knowing the areas of my life that give me anxiety and through therapy, I've been able to change my thought process. Healthy living and thinking are the way to go!

 

[tallguy297]

Thanks guys, for all your responses. I really do think I have social anxiety problems, if not the disorder itself. I'm gonna set up another appointment to meet with a professional. Hopefully I can work through this sooner rather than later.

Congratulations on a really powerful step mate!!! One that will help you regain control over this and let you get on with your life with an ease and freedom that you deserve... and its important to remember that... remember why you doing this and set yourself that goal like you would any other problem you tackle.

As for the rest of your posts, its a pleasure to have you at JUB... you sound like an incredible guy... articulate, intelligent, honest and respectful. Combined with your friends telling you that you are a hottie, it seems to me that you simply have to let yourself believe in who you are... and what you are. You have to actually let yourself hear the good things others are telling you, you have to learn to see your good side too... and theres plenty of it aqua.

Take pride in your courage and strength to tackle this head on mate.

And trust in yourself. That you are a good guy. That you are worthy. That you deserve happiness in your life and that you do have some amazing qualities that stand you apart. That you DO have a reason to be confident in yourself and that others DO find you a great guy - for a whole heap of reasons.

Then aqua... once you let yourself beleive a little... that anxiety will all but disappear.

 

[aquadude81]

You guys are really awesome. Thanks for all the support! I have a meeting with a shrink tomorrow morning. I'm hoping to get moving on this quickly.

Ugh, I'm going out to the gay bars again on Thursday night. I'm really nervous about it, but I'm forcing myself to go. I want to be social and try to enjoy myself. But I always seem to run into problems!

Anyone know of any good places to hit up on Thursday nights in NYC? I welcome any suggestions!

 

[rareboy]

We're all rooting for you.

Once you get your general anxiety under control, I'll bet that life starts to look a lot more interesting and enjoyable.

I once had the same problems with going to gay bars on my own. Then I learned that the more people I met casually the more people I knew and the more people I knew in any one place the more comfortable I became. I actually could go out for a night of entertainment and not care whether I met Mr. Goodbar or not. Just being with others was good enough.

Based on these acquaintances, I met others who then became friends outside the bars and while we never fucked, we spent a lot of time going to movies, out to dinner etc.

 

[G-Lexington]

Have fun at the gay bar. Keep your expectations reasonable. Find a couple people who look either alone or approachable, and then approach them. Say "hello". Introduce yourself. See what happens.

Lex