Struggling // Any Words of Wisdom?

[fallenstar]

First of all, let me give you a quick lead in. I have known I was gay since I was twelve. I grew up in an extremely rural town (population around 1,200) and I’m from conservative roots so all during high school and my first three years of college I have struggled with it and ended up suppressing it. During my first semester at college I was excited about being out on my own and I had a blast with my friends that came to school with me from back home. We did the usual, partied a lot and drank and for the first time in a long time I started to feel alive and like I could let loose a little and breathe. My buddies and I were having an awesome time and then things started to change. They started dating and I found myself being left on the outs. I started becoming jealous because just like them I wanted to have the relationship stuff and yes … all the hot sex … but except there was a small difference between us … I wanted a guy. Even though in high school I was unhappy, I fit in well and got along with everyone and was well liked. But, I was always careful not to get too close and let my guard down because I didn’t want anyone to find out my secret. So I didn’t date in high school and now I was starting see more and more what I had missed. I started getting more and more depressed about it and ended up going to see my doctor and I was on Zoloft for about 8 months. My mom was naturally concerned and I just told her that college was a big change for me and that I had a hard time adjusting. It helped a little but deep down I knew that it wasn’t going to make my problems go away. I eventually stopped taking it.

Anyways, over time things started to mount and I began to feel like every day that I got up I was living a lie and while my life besides struggling with my sexuality was pretty great I felt that I didn’t have anything to look forward to … like I was stuck in this perpetual circle and not walking towards anything. This went on for a while and finally a little over a year ago one night it just got to me and I sat in my bathroom floor and I thought I can’t do this anymore. I decided to come out to my mom. So before I lost my nerve, I got in my car at 4:30 in the morning I drove two hours home to her. When I got home I told her that I just wanted to come home and surprise her and I thought about not telling her, but she knew something was up and she pried … so I just looked at her and said “Mom … I’m gay.” I have never felt so vulnerable in my whole life and my heart was beating so hard in my chest. I asked her if she still loved me … and I never will forget what she told me. Her voice was so serious and she started to cry and she said that she would “lie down in the middle road and die for me” and that nothing would ever change that. We talked for hours and I told her about how I had struggled with it and that when I was younger that I had prayed for God to fix me and make me straight and how lonely I had felt.

Okay, fast forward to now … it took my mom a little while to completely come around but now she is completely supportive and behind me. The only flack I catch occasionally is that she gives me a hard time about not having grandkids, but I tell her she is planning way ahead. The truth is at 21 years old, I’m still a virgin, and while it is embarrassing and depressing as hell … I haven’t even kissed a guy or done anything sexual with a guy or girl. I have come out to five of my friends who are girls, but none of my guy friends yet. No one else in my family knows besides my mom though … they may suspect, but they don’t know for sure. I worry that if I tell them that they won’t be supportive and I would hate to lose them.
Anyways, even though I am still closeted I have started going out to the gay bar some, but I’m shy as hell and I usually just kind of sit around and stare. I want so badly to meet someone and I know I should just man up and make a move, but I always feel so fucking awkward walking up to strangers and striking up conversion. Plus, I don’t have the cool gay haircut/tan/six pack gym bunny thing going on and it seems that most of the guys there are into that. I wouldn’t even go to the gay bar, but it’s the only place I know that it guaranteed to have gay guys. And while yes … I want to meet someone … I would just like to have some gay friends that I can talk too because I don’t have any.

Sorry for the long first post, but I just have a lot on my mind so I hope maybe you can give some advice, pointers, or share your own experiences and stuff.

 

[Columboy]

As a closet case myself you were very bold and stuck to your convictions. Kudos for you! PM me and I will be glad to chat/talk with you. Help you move forward. Funny how this seems like the blind leading the blind, but I help people like a gift I have. Just can't seem to help myself.

 

[rareboy]

Plus, I don’t have the cool gay haircut

Get your hair cut. Lose a few pounds by going to a gym. Everyone will be supportive of someone who is trying to be in better shape.

Relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

You probably look like you're at a meeting for young anarchists when you are sitting in the bar. If you don't smile and engage people in conversation, how are they going to get to know how interesting you are?

Many guys are still homo virgins at 21. If you are only interested in meeting guys your own age, remember they're all competing for the hotties and most of them have the same self confidence issues as you. Experimant with guys who might be a little older and who might help you gain the self-confidence you need as well as introducing you to a wider circle of people.

As part of the self confidence thing, trust me that most gay guys don't have a lot of time for guys who are deep in the closet. It just isn't worth it to guys who are already here and queer. Most of them immediately will suspect that there's too much baggage to carry around.

If you want gay friends, you'll have to be a gay friend.

 

[backpacker]

There are many guys that are still virgins at 21. You have already taken some big steps, coming out to your mom and some of your friends. Going to gay bars is also a big step. Congratulations on what you have done so far.

You should try to find some gay groups. Your school probably has one. The gay groups give you a chance to meet other gay guys in a low pressure environment. Also continue going to the gay bars. You may want to try going on a weeknight. There are typically less people and things are a little more relaxed. That makes for a better environment for meeting some friends. Good luck!

 

[fallenstar]

As a closet case myself you were very bold and stuck to your convictions. Kudos for you! PM me and I will be glad to chat/talk with you. Help you move forward. Funny how this seems like the blind leading the blind, but I help people like a gift I have. Just can't seem to help myself.

Thanks for the offer ... I may take you up on that.

Get your hair cut. Lose a few pounds by going to a gym. Everyone will be supportive of someone who is trying to be in better shape.

Relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

You probably look like you're at a meeting for young anarchists when you are sitting in the bar. If you don't smile and engage people in conversation, how are they going to get to know how interesting you are?

Many guys are still homo virgins at 21. If you are only interested in meeting guys your own age, remember they're all competing for the hotties and most of them have the same self confidence issues as you. Experimant with guys who might be a little older and who might help you gain the self-confidence you need as well as introducing you to a wider circle of people.

As part of the self confidence thing, trust me that most gay guys don't have a lot of time for guys who are deep in the closet. It just isn't worth it to guys who are already here and queer. Most of them immediately will suspect that there's too much baggage to carry around.

If you want gay friends, you'll have to be a gay friend.

Thanks rareboy, your right and bring up some very valid points. Your comment about that young anarchists hit a little close to home . I always feel a little bit out of my comfort zone and I remember the first time I went I was so nervous I had to get some liquor quick to stop my upper lip from quivering. Then I saw my first drag queen and I was just blown away ... I thought wow I have never seen that before ... I don't mean it bad ... I know everyone has to march to their own drum ... I was just a little shocked that's all. I have went a back a couple of times, but I really don't like going alone. Most people that go come in clusters so they already know the people there. Like you said too, I should smile more and engage people ... I am just not a smiler ... more the strong silent type ... but I guess I will just have to grin and bear it.

Yeah, I know people will be competing and while looks are important I'm not really after the hot frat boy type guys ... of course I don't have a ban on them either . I have read these threads before and someone coined the term cute gay nerds and that really is more my speed sort of CGN meets boy next door. There has to been something going on beneath the surface and I tend to be attracted to those you are cute and don't know it. Cute and insecure that's what I like! As far as the age thing goes, I'm not opposed to going a little older, but I would like to keep the birthdays in the 80's decade so 26/27 is sort of my cutoff.

I agree with you and I understand with you about the closet case issue. I know a lot of guys have sacrificed a lot more than I have and gotten a ton of grief to be out and it isn't fair for them to have to compromise themselves and go back in. I'm trying to ease myself further out of the closet at every turn and when I meet new people that I really like and want to get to know I try and make it a point to tell them, so I get it over with early and I'm not going backwards in hiding. As for my old friends and family ... well I'm working on it. I know its selfish of me, but I don't really want to come completely out unless I have some sort of stability or a relationship to be there. I'm mean if some of my family and friends are going to turn there backs on me I atleast want some sort of loving relationship to show for it. I know its selfish, but I can't help myself.

There are many guys that are still virgins at 21. You have already taken some big steps, coming out to your mom and some of your friends. Going to gay bars is also a big step. Congratulations on what you have done so far.

You should try to find some gay groups. Your school probably has one. The gay groups give you a chance to meet other gay guys in a low pressure environment. Also continue going to the gay bars. You may want to try going on a weeknight. There are typically less people and things are a little more relaxed. That makes for a better environment for meeting some friends. Good luck!

Thanks, I know my campus has a group, but most of the guys that go are really um ... how could I put this ... well to quote Will and Grace, my blind and deaf dog would know that they are gay and while being gay is a part of me, I don't feel that it defines my whole existance and I'm sterotyping here, but sometimes it seems that some of the guys that go are professional gay guys ... sort of one dimensional. Plus with me being stuck in the closet right now that sort of exposure scares me a little. But, I'm getting a little restless so I may go try it out anyways.

I'm still going to go to the gay bar though ... well to be honest its of more of a gay club. It has a bar area/dance floor/ and lounge were they do drag shows and stuff. I like going because its low lit and ambient and I feel like I'm not so out in the open. Plus I have had good experiences and bad. Two times that I went I had girls sit down next to me and start chatting me up and at first I was like give me a break ... its a gay bar! But they put me at ease .... the first time it was a 24 yr old lipstick lesbian and she was really cute ... not like the some of the girls who go and look like that could kick my ass. I hung out with her, but she was from out of town so she didn't really know anyone there. The second time I was sitting on the lounge sofa texting and this other girl came and asked if she could text sit down and text with me. She was alone, too but her friend was coming later to meet her and she said he was gay and she wanted me to meet him. She asked me if I had been with guys and I told her I hadn't and she was like oh you have got to meet him then he's cute. So he shows up later and let me tell you .... this guy was SMOKING HOTT!

My heart litterly fluttered and I was like a deer in headlights. He was 25 with boyish good looks, five o'clock shadow, nice body (defined but not ripped), and ridiciously white teeth and good smile ... I'm sure his nickname has Mr. Goodfuck or something like that. At first I almost didn't like him, because he is the type guy you see and you just automatically want to them to be an ass or lack any sort of intelligence or higher thinking skills. But we started talking and it turns out he was sweet, funny, and intelligent ... just WOW. I felt like a heartsick schoolgirl, but I couldn't help myself. I asked him about his own journey and coming out and he was really cool and told me about this personal experiences and stuff and just really genuine. We ended up talking for two and half hours and watching over his friend that introduced us. She was getting good and knickered, but she was tons of fun. When she went to leave she he kissed him goodbye and then she turned to me and said I'm sorry, but I just can't help myself and she kissed me. Then she gave me this sheepish grin and winked at me and said have fun. We talked some more and then I told him it was late and that I should go and I we exchanged facebooks/myspace and I shook his had and left. On the way home in the car, I just couldn't stop smiling. Let me be frank though, this guy is way way way outta of my league, but it was just nice to talk to another gay guy and I it made me feel good about being gay. We talked some on facebook and exchanged numbers... but not much has happened. He graduated college last year and he goes out of a lot with his friends during the week and weekend for drinks. I on the other hand am still in school and busy with classes and work during the week. Plus, I'm younger and I don't want to be a charity case ... just because he was nice to me at the club. Anyways, that is my good experience so far. It wasn't hard for me to talk when his friend introduced us, but I probably just wouldn't have walked up to him and started talking had she not done so.

On the bad side, I have had the older guys in the 40s - 50s rub there hands across my stomach in crowds as they pass by and that sort of stuff. It seems they can smell blood in the water sometimes, but I deal ... I just frown and walk away. One time I went my car along with a few others got egged, but mine only was hit once and I just washed it off the next day ... it pissed me off, but its not going to stop me from living my life. But last night, I went and I was only there for about 30 minutes and then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a guy from my high school. He had been the one who people were not so kind too ... he was obviously gay and he caught a lot of flack for it. I was never mean to him in school, but I had never stood up for him either and it scared the shit of me that he may recognize me so I left. On the way, out I passed a group of people standing at the door and this drag queen who was really funny looks at me and goes "Hey, honey were are you heading of so early." I smiled said that I had ran into someone I knew. Without missing a beat he goes " You want me to go kick their ass?" I smiled said no thanks, and left.

Anyways, thanks for all your comments and advice and I appreciate it greatly so if you can relate or have anymore words of wisdom please keep them coming. Thanks!

 

[Oden_grey]

What a wonderful anecdote, fallenstar, as I was reading I was rooting you on all the way. I'm glad your mother took your revelation well. I think when a gay person has their parents behind them they can take on the world!

I can sympathize with you in every way. I'm 25, and I feel blessed and fortunate in all things but one... relationships. The first job I've ever had is a job I've always wanted, I live in a nice neighborhood in a fairly liberal state, I drive a car I've always drooled over, and I have family and friends who love and support me. However, I've never had much luck with relationships. I've tried all the popular dating sites with no luck at all. I've gone to gay bars but no one looked my way, surprisingly... not even the older crowd. I've all but given up on relationships and decided to devote my life for the benefit and wellbeing of others through service in my community.

You seem to have a great deal of luck on your side so I suggest you take advantage of it... especially while you are still in college because it gets infinitely harder to meet people when you are working. If you keep moving in the positive direction you've forged for yourself, you will have many prosperous, fun-filled years ahead of you.

 

[boy0boy]

This really is a breath of fresh air to read, you're so positive about things despite being in some tough spots. I get you on so much of what you've said, I don't know what to say exactly.

Looks like you definately are going on in the right direction, slow and steady is just as good. Plus you met a hot guy, which isn't so bad for not going too often.

Good to hear! Best wishes

 

[backpacker]

Your campus group probably has some guys like you, but the ones who stick out are those that you described. I belong to a couple of groups and both have a wide range of personalities. I understand the risk of being seen with the group, but it's similar to the risk you have taken by telling some and going to gay bars. Only you can decide if the risk is worth the reward.

With regard to the guy you spoke to for 2 1/2 hours, you should definitely contact him. It sounds like the two of you really hit it off. If he spent 2 1/2 hours talking to you in a bar, he definitely has some interest. If nothing else, he sounds like a nice guy that could become a friend.

From what I have read, I think you are over analyzing everything. You need to go with the flow a little more.

By the way, I'm not sure why some guys think they can just people their hands on someone just because they are in a gay bar. It isn't exclusive to older guys, nor is it how the majority of older guys behave. You are probably right that people can sense fresh meat, which makes it all the more wrong. Unfortunately it seems to go with the gay bar territory, but I do think it is declining.

 

[fallenstar]

I wish you strength and good luck for the future..

This really is a breath of fresh air to read, you're so positive about things despite being in some tough spots. I get you on so much of what you've said, I don't know what to say exactly.

Looks like you definately are going on in the right direction, slow and steady is just as good. Plus you met a hot guy, which isn't so bad for not going too often.

Good to hear! Best wishes

Thanks so much for your support ... I really appreciate it. Hopefully things will start looking up.

What a wonderful anecdote, fallenstar, as I was reading I was rooting you on all the way. I'm glad your mother took your revelation well. I think when a gay person has their parents behind them they can take on the world!

I can sympathize with you in every way. I'm 25, and I feel blessed and fortunate in all things but one... relationships. The first job I've ever had is a job I've always wanted, I live in a nice neighborhood in a fairly liberal state, I drive a car I've always drooled over, and I have family and friends who love and support me. However, I've never had much luck with relationships. I've tried all the popular dating sites with no luck at all. I've gone to gay bars but no one looked my way, surprisingly... not even the older crowd. I've all but given up on relationships and decided to devote my life for the benefit and wellbeing of others through service in my community.

You seem to have a great deal of luck on your side so I suggest you take advantage of it... especially while you are still in college because it gets infinitely harder to meet people when you are working. If you keep moving in the positive direction you've forged for yourself, you will have many prosperous, fun-filled years ahead of you.

My mom truly is amazing and I think God everyday that she is behind me. If I ever need to talk about anything or feel like the world is crashing down on me I can call her any time day or night and she will be there for me. She sacrifices so much for me and I could write forever about how great she is, but while she was supportive from the start it did take her a little bit of time to come around. So if anyone has just came out and thier parents are a little awkward about it I say just give them a little time. At first, my mom thought that I was just confused and she wanted me to she a physcologist and I did for her. It ended up being a great experience for me because I could really be honest about my feelings and struggle without having to worry about judgement. Plus it helped me deal with a lot my own internalized homophobia. When I was younger I thought that being gay was the worst thing that could have happened to me and that I would die or runaway if anyone found out, but now I can't imagine not being gay and I'm trying more and more to work myself out of the closet among my close friends. Just a few weeks ago, I was feeling really down about being alone and still being a virgin and stuff and my mom was really supportive and she even told me that she couldn't wait for me to enjoy the pleasures of sex and to meet someone special. If you would have told me a year ago that she would be so supportive ... I would have said you were nuts! But she is so don't loose hope. My dad on the other hand (by the way my parents divorced about a year ago so my mom has had her own struggles too) doesn't know and is probably going to disown me, but he pays my tuition right now and I'm not going to jeopardize that and have my mom end up paying it along with the rest of my expenses.

I really understand where you are coming from ... I'm a student but ever since I moved away from home I have had an apartment by myself full of nice things in a nice area and I have never had to reallly worry about supporting myself. I will graduate this coming summer and I already have a nice starter job waiting. Like you said ... I'm happy in pretty much all things but relationships. I think it is true that no matter how many material things you may have or career sucess, it doesn't guarantee happiness. There are some days ... well a lot of days ... that I lay in bed in the morning and it takes all I can muster to get out of the bed and face the day. Sometimes I feel like it just hangs over me and it permeates into my work and I just have no drive. Like what am I working towards? Everyone is busy and trust me I eat a lot of meals by myself and spend some quality time with my TiVo ... which just reading that now ... that could be part of my problem . But, I'm thankful for the good things I have in my life. I think its great that you are devoting yourself to your community and helping others ... but don't forget about yourself in the process. Trust me, I know its depressing when it feels like your constantly striking out, but it doesn't nessacerly mean you stop playing the game. You can't give up hope and anyone that gives themselves and their time to the helping of others is clearly one who is deserving of love and I think its an attractive quality.

Sometimes I feel like I'm 21 going on 40, and I think about how I've struggled with being gay and the trials and tribulations I have endured and the ones that lay ahead ... but at the end of the day, I know who I am. I have been through some dark spots in my life and I'm still in some rough places emotionally, but dammit I'm still here and I've built a lot of character along the way! I think a lot of us carry scars with us so when the good times do come, we can remember how we got there and it makes them even more special. My mom told me once that I made her sad because sometimes when she hugs me I tense up and feel empty inside. I've always felt so much love from my mom and family, but that other kind of love ... I haven't experienced it yet. Sometimes at night I lay awake and I just think about how good it would feel just for some one to touch me or lay next to me. I know it sounds lame ... but in some ways I'm looking forward to that more than just having sex ... and it does get me down, but I try and take it and use those feelings in positive ways ... that and I wrap myself around the other two pillows on the bed that I don't use . But seriously, I know that better days will come and it keeps me going. Please don't give up ... I know our good relationships aren't going to show up at our doors like an overnight delivery from FedEx, but with a little work and a little luck I think we will eventually find what we have been looking for.

Your campus group probably has some guys like you, but the ones who stick out are those that you described. I belong to a couple of groups and both have a wide range of personalities. I understand the risk of being seen with the group, but it's similar to the risk you have taken by telling some and going to gay bars. Only you can decide if the risk is worth the reward.

With regard to the guy you spoke to for 2 1/2 hours, you should definitely contact him. It sounds like the two of you really hit it off. If he spent 2 1/2 hours talking to you in a bar, he definitely has some interest. If nothing else, he sounds like a nice guy that could become a friend.

From what I have read, I think you are over analyzing everything. You need to go with the flow a little more.

By the way, I'm not sure why some guys think they can just people their hands on someone just because they are in a gay bar. It isn't exclusive to older guys, nor is it how the majority of older guys behave. You are probably right that people can sense fresh meat, which makes it all the more wrong. Unfortunately it seems to go with the gay bar territory, but I do think it is declining.

Yes, I totally see your point about going to meeting and that there are a wide range of personalities. I have read the Rainbow Boys books by Alex Sanchez, which are great reads for younger guys struggling about being gay. It's about three high school gay guys: Nelson (flamboyant and totally out proud a la Jack from Will and Grace), Kyle (shy and closeted good guy), and Jason (uber hot confused jock) who all meet at gay support group and how they become friends and well you will just have to read it if your interested ... but the point I'm making that they were all completely different people with opposite personalities and they met a gay support group. I'm going to look up and see when the group on my campus meets and try and build up the courage to go. It's just I have that conflict of wanting to have gay friends and then not wanting to hurt someone's feelings because ... yes we may both be gay ... but not have anything in common. I hate to be like this, but while I love Jack's character on Will and Grace and I think he is hilarious ... he would embarass the hell out of me in public and make me extremely uncomfortable. That is an issue though that has more to do with myself and my own hangups/insecurities and is something that I probably need to examine more. But, I will never know unless I go, so I'm going to make a conscious effort to try.

As for the overanalyzing comment, you are probably right again. I just let my insecurities get the best of me sometimes and I'm just really guarded and scared of rejection and getting hurt. I know that it is going to happen ... that I'm going to get hurt and rejected because it is just a fact of life ... but I still rake my brain trying to analyze and keep my defenses up.

The guy at the bar lets call him Ryan does seem really cool and one of the things that did strike me that he might be into younger guys is that he said his first relationship was when he was a senior in college and it was with a Freshmen, which is about the same age difference as we are now 25 and 21. But I honestly, he is really out of my league and I think that friendship would be the best that I could hope for, which is okay by me. The two nights after we first met we talked on facebook some and exchanged numbers. I texted him later in the week to see if wanted to come over and hang and watch Grey's Anatomy with me (I know its lame but we were talking about TV shows we watch and I'm a die hard Grey's fan and he was only seen like two episodes) and I thought it would be good to that we could talk more and get to know each other. Plus it would make me more comfortable, because its my own environment, but we was out with friends going to bars. I'm not much of a barfly really and we live in the in a college town that has no bars or clubs so when you go out you have to drive into the city and during the week I just don't have the time to go out a lot. Anyways, that was like three weeks ago and we haven't talked at all hardly. So I dunno what's going to happen there. I figure if he wants to hang with me he could call or facebook me, he is so good looking and has everything going for him there is no way he could be that shy.

I agree with you on the whole rubbing people thing and it really isn't that big of a deal just off putting. As scary as it may be to think .... I will be 40 one day and that doesn't mean I still won't find the young guys hot ... I just won't be rubbing my hands on them unwantedly. God, I hope I'm in a good relationship by then

Thanks again for your advice!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Fallenstar,

Dude, are you into other dudes or are you really into telling (or not telling) other people that you are into other men?

This may sound a bit strange to you, but you really may want to calm down and really think about what you are doing and where you are going now.

The world tends to be a very complex place and one of the first wisdoms about it is that quietly doing your stuff as in 'quietly reaching your objectives' usually works best.

You owe no disclosure about your private life to anyone at any time. Coming out is really not your issue. Your issue is to start dating and having a fulfilled life on your own terms.

So, cut the drama and stop broadcasting the news. (That's simply too easy to be of any good.)

Sort yourself out and hunt your man down. You'll pick it up from there.

SC

 

[fallenstar]

Fallenstar,

Dude, are you into other dudes or are you really into telling (or not telling) other people that you are into other men?

This may sound a bit strange to you, but you really may want to calm down and really think about what you are doing and where you are going now.

The world tends to be a very complex place and one of the first wisdoms about it is that quietly doing your stuff as in 'quietly reaching your objectives' usually works best.

You owe no disclosure about your private life to anyone at any time. Coming out is really not your issue. Your issue is to start dating and having a fulfilled life on your own terms.

So, cut the drama and stop broadcasting the news. (That's simply too easy to be of any good.)

Sort yourself out and hunt your man down. You'll pick it up from there.

SC

Sorry, I guess I should take it down a notch. It's just I don't disclose a lot and it felt good to sort of lay it all out here. Yes, I am into other dudes and as far as telling other people that I am ... this is gay forum so I figured it would be okay here ... I don't broadcast in real life. I see your point though ... and your right I need to start dating and have a fulfilled life on my own terms. Thanks for the firm feedback. I guess I needed to hear it.

 

[spreadeagle]

I hope you're considering writing as a career option.

 

[redips]

Well, fallenstar, I hear ya. In every way. If it makes you feel any better, you're definitely not the only one who feels this way.

I myself didn't even "come out to myself", so to speak, until I was 26. And because of that, I never had a relationship until then, and never had sex until then. Yes, I was one of those late-bloomers, as one might call it. And, I'm not even out at all, yet, to anyone. So you're already doing much better than I am!!

Ever since I've become single again, there are times when I felt a lot less motivated. I don't feel depressed, per se; I have nothing to complain about. I have amazing parents and friends. I also have my dream job, my dream car. I'm not rolling in money, but I can afford all the gadgets that I want...

But I don't have someone to share these things with.

But if there's any consolation to all of us who're single, I've learned that there are some perks to being single as well. Like the fact that I can do whatever the hell I want. I can sleep in however late I want. I can leave two weeks worth of laundry undone, with impunity. I can buy whatever. I can eat whatever.

Of course, I'd still rather be with someone. But I've learned that while I'm single, I should cherish these little perks...

Just as I'd cherish a relationship when it arrives, as I did before.

 

[fallenstar]

Well, fallenstar, I hear ya. In every way. If it makes you feel any better, you're definitely not the only one who feels this way.

Of course, I'd still rather be with someone. But I've learned that while I'm single, I should cherish these little perks...

Just as I'd cherish a relationship when it arrives, as I did before.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one in this boat ... too bad this bitch isn't a party barge .

And now that you have glimpsed life on the other side, wouldn't you rather live there?

Most definately. I didn't want to quote your entire post because it was long, but thank you so much --02--. Pretty much everything you wrote resonated with me and it put me in a good mood all day. I appreciate you taking the time to sit down and write that and I feel the same on a lot things. One thing that I could really relate to is the comment you made about how guys at clubs could be clicky. In my experience that has been very true and it makes it a little hard for us shy guys just to walkup to a large group and introduce ourselves. I can handle a little rejection ... but I like to keep mine down on a one to one level without the a full audience. Plus its slightly awkard .... Hi my name is <Name>. I was hoping that I could hang with you guys for bit or you could embarass me horribly in front of all these people. Oh alas, my life is comprised of insecurity and paralyzing self doubt ... but I saved a lot of money on my car insurance. Thanks again for the post and the welcome.

I hope you're considering writing as a career option.

Sadly not ... but I do like to read and I love me some Barnes & Noble goodness.

 

[boy0boy]

Hey man - Welcome to JUB. As I'm sure you can already tell, you're among friends, and we are here to try to help you however we can.

Your story sounds a lot like mine, if I'm honest. Based on what you are saying, I have no worries for you. You'll be fine. I know a pat on the head isn't really what you want, and it isn't all that enlightening, but honestly, you are doing exactly what you should be doing now, and it sounds like you are doing it safely and intelligently.

It's great that you have started to come out! Doing so is excruciatingly difficult for most of us, especially at the start. Really, the only thing that makes it easier is every time you do it and people are supportive, like your mom. How did that feel? For once, maybe the first time, you know, know, that she loves you, not in spite of being gay, but because of it. People like that are the people that make everything worth doing. The relief and security you have from her knowing is the payoff for all the stress and anxiety and fear of being in the closet. Sure, there are assholes out there, maybe even some dangerous ones. But you don't sound like the kind of guy that keeps them as firends. Someone like you will have the kind of friends that are a much stronger resource for you than you can possibly realize. Trust them. They have your back. And now that you have glimpsed life on the other side, wouldn't you rather live there?

As for going out and social groups like the one at your school, yes, that too is a good place to start. I know that clubs can be a tricky environment to navigate sometimes. The boys are often very clicky and can be hard to approach, and there are always some predatory old men hanging around looking for fresh blood. However, the more time you spend there, the more you will inevitably get to know them. Eventually you will make some friends, and then that network can grow. The group at college works the same way, and the networks are connected. A good way, if you really are out of options, is to open with a question, find something in common from that, and after chatting a bit, make sure you leave them with a reason to talk to you again. Or, if there are girls at this gay bar, I promise you they did not come alone. Chat them up, and that will lead to talking to their friends, and so on. Worst comes to worst, cough up a couple bucks and buy someone a drink.

You mentioned something about not being a smiler... Well, that's because you have the weight of the world on you, hon! It's so hard to let go and enjoy yourself when you are closeted, and it's impossible not to feel very alone in an environment like that. For me, cracking it was a mind over matter thing. Think about it - You are among friends at a gay bar, and probably the safest environment in which to be gay I can think of. So, what I did, was realizing that, I knew I had nothing to fear, and I was already "out" for the moment just by virtue of where I was.

I'm no model. This may not be the face that launched a thousand ships, but it's not the face that launched a thousand stomachs either. I clean up ok, but I'm not built, my skin isn't great, and "kinda cute" is about all I've got to work with in the looks department. However, I'm smart and conversant and polite, so if I can get them to talk to me, I'm already ahead. So, what do I do? Walk in with a genuinely warm look and smile - like I can't wait to meet them. Don't look awkward with regard to where I am. I not only own the joint, I paid cash at the closing. And when I do talk to them, I'm a gentleman. Sure, it doesn't always work, but I've managed just fine. Pretty much everyone I've ever dated has been a genuinely good person, and most of them have been just biblically good looking.

It's all in how you carry yourself. The same way that you know the supermodel is a slut and an airhead, and the jocky guys aren't for you, and the old guys that touch you are kinda sketch, you know all that from how they carry themselves. If you want to meet people, you have to look like you want to be met.

I know, just from what you've written here that you are kind, and very smart, and charming. Not everyone wants a cookie cutter gay boy, so you don't need to be that. Be yourself, someone you are proud of, and use what you are proud of to your best advantage. Focusing on anything else will just slow you down.

You have taken some huge and improtant steps, and I'm so happy for you that you have! Just keep doing the next right thing, as you're ready, and it will all come together for you.

I promise.

Oh, and keep us posted!

Well I quoted it since I don't have much to say myself. Sorry to interupt.

This was the hilight of my day and after the night I've had of feeling like a complete loser in the dumpster, I can get back to my hopeful self. It's good to hear this from someone. I can't thank you enough.

 

[NomineDetracto]

it seems to me like you're doing all right.
you're a cute guy and you seem smart and level-headed.
just give it time...
i know that's the worst answer someone can give, but it's true. when you're ready to tell more people, you will. and when you're ready to meet the people you want in your life, you will.

just don't get down on yourself.