Stuck between two people.

[DafyddGeraint]

I was probably about 16 when I realised to some amazement that men were sexually attractive. I was probably 17 or so when I first had a crush on a fellow male student at school, he was athletic, handsome, and very very straight. Even though I realised my attraction towards men, I only really wanted a relationship with a woman, I was physically and emotionally attracted to one person above all else, my best female friend who I had known since we were very young, if I could have been with anyone it would have been her. We knew each other really well, finished each other’s sentences, and had an uncanny ability to know what the other was thinking; neither of us could lie to the other about how we were feeling about things, but it quickly became apparent that the somewhat stronger feelings I had for her were not reciprocated to any great extent beyond that of a platonic relationship.

So off we went to our Universities around the country hundreds of miles apart, I still thought about her at night when I was on my own. Peculiarly though whilst my thoughts turned to her, when ‘stimulation’ was required I turned not to straight images but gay ones. For some reason they were more effective, but the after response wasn’t so good. Racked by guilt and even disgust the hard drive got wiped more than a few times and vows were made to never look again. Clearly though the hard drive was refuelled and the vows broken on multiple occasions but the feelings of guilt and disgust remained. Then at the end of the second year of University, I found myself in a relationship with my best female friend at Uni, not so much by choice as accident. It took about all of three seconds to wonder if I was doing the right thing but by that point it was too late. But no matter how the relationship was going, I was still looking at the same old stuff. Then after two years of being together, he turned up. A magnificent specimen of a young Adonis, finely toned, strikingly handsome and with a devilish sense of humour and a wonderful personality had me spellbound in seconds. We became closer and closer, until the point we are now, almost in a pseudo relationship, rather like that with my best friend in school, and now I find myself in the same position, with someone who can read me like a book, but seems completely oblivious to my true desires and is also totally uninterested in anything beyond that what we have.

My current relationship is destructive, she’s a control freak, jealous of the time I spend with him, half convinced that I either am or want to have an affair with him. She won’t do anything around the house and expects me to keep her like some sort of princess. For my own sake he wants me to leave her, but where do I go then? It’s not like he’s willing to take me in to be WITH him, I live over a hundred miles from my family and there are few job prospects, so I can’t afford to risk giving up my job and moving. Where will I live? What is my real motivation for wanting to leave? Is it some deep seated desire to be with him, or just the need to escape the destructive nature of my relationship? I fear that his past experience with guys who have come out to him just so they can try to get with him, will push him away if I say anything to him, even though I know it’s not reciprocated and there is no chance of anything happening between us. At the same time I feel guilty about even thinking about leaving her because of the way she is totally besotted with me and would be devastated if I left her. It’s so confusing and it’s driving me mad. He is the only person who really knows what my relationship is like, everyone else thinks we are some perfect model couple but the reality is so different. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

 

[rareboy]

Leave her.

Grow up and find someplace to live on your own.

Accept you're a homo.

Forget the Adonis guy. He's not the one. He's just the catalyst for you starting to live your real life.

Get yourself a real boyfriend.

Don't look back,

 

[thisisinteresting]

If your reason for staying in a relationship is their feelings and not your own, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship anymore. These things should be a mutual, 2-way road. You need to change something in your relationship. If not by ending it, you at least need to communicate your issues with her immature behavior and insecurities. Change something. Don't settle for less. I agree that pretty boy is just a catalyst for something you need to make happen, some changes you need, not necessarily your special guy.

 

[KaraBulut]

Leave her.

Grow up and find someplace to live on your own.

Accept you're a homo.

Forget the Adonis guy. He's not the one. He's just the catalyst for you starting to live your real life.

Get yourself a real boyfriend.

Don't look back,

^^^A style very different from the writing style of the OP but that's what it comes down to.

You're at a crossroads in your life: Are you going to be the gay man that you probably are deep down? Or are you going to be one of those Death In Venice married types who still lusts after the pretty young guys that he missed out on?

It is going to take some bravery to risk being alone and to deal with the fallout that a history of evasion and "going with the flow" has brought you to.

But that's what the crossroads is. Either you deal with your attraction to men and find out if that is your path. Or you get married to someone that isn't marriage material, have children, get divorced and spend your life jacking off to gay porn and wondering "what if".

 

[DafyddGeraint]

Thanks for writing back gents. I know that he is not for me and to think so would be ridiculous - doesn't stop me wanting it though- but I know like you all said he's been a catalyst for that side of my feelings to come up to the surface.

He says the same about my relationship, either it drastically needs to change or I need to get out, the only problem is where to go - there isn't anywhere. We live in a small town with a high population - there is literally nowhere to go. So if I do go it may be a case of leaving alltogether. But all that would need a hell of a lot more courage and bravery than I'm willing to come up with, to move away, to be on my own, and worse to be alone, which is my greatest fear.

 

[KaraBulut]

Straightening out your life doesn't necessarily require moving away.

 

[bankside]

Woman has gay boyfriend - can't handle her plight and falls into a depression. Trapped by his inability to admit to her that she is 100% right about his desire to have an affair with his best friend, she sinks into her own worst habits and falls far short of being the girlfriend she might otherwise be capable of being..

She doesn't know what's going through his mind because she is sure it is "I may not know who I am, but I am 100% certain I want to explore this friendship with this guy in a sexual direction, and even if it can never happen, I know I wish I could have made my desire for him real," but what he actually says to her is "Don't be silly. Of course it isn't like that. Stop being so paranoid and controlling. Give me some space. And damn you for not cleaning up the kitchen. Let's talk about the kitchen for a while now instead of my supposed boyfriend you contemptuous control freak."

She doesn't know what to do and would probably be so relieved if the gay boyfriend would just move out, move across the street, or even just admit that whenever they both rise above the frustration of this impossible situation for one afternoon every other month, he is still thinking of cock while they do it.

I dunno. I think a break-up and a small flat on one's own for at least a few months would be a really fantastic idea. Who knows, maybe she will find the courage today. Or maybe in three years.

Or maybe you will.

 

[DafyddGeraint]

I like it but no. She was obnoxious and lazy long before he turned up, shes been like it from the start he just told me how it really was. And I wanted out before he came along too. As for the affair I would never cheat on her it would be totally out of character for me, it would have to end before I would start a new relationship, and he would probably drop dead of laughter at the thought but there we go, other than that I liked your analysis of the situation.

 

[bankside]

Fair enough.

Though I have to add that most people who are truly, sincerely, obnoxious and lazy are not capable of being truly, sincerely, besotted and in love.

I still don't know, can't know, what's really going on there, but if you truly, consistently, thoroughly feel like ending this relationship, either you, or she, or both of you will be better off, whereas if you continue to fake it, both of you will be worse off.

 

[DafyddGeraint]

I take your point but I doubt she will be the first to act. She's fighting back for the relationship, but it may be too little too late. I think half the reason why I feel drawn towards my friend is that he actually shows that he cares about how I feel, regardless of how he feels, it doesn't matter what sort of a day he's had he will always have time to listen and advise, whereas she just talks about herself, no matter how bad your day was hers was worst. If you had a good day, hers was better, if you achieved something, she did something better still. She doesn't treat me like a human she calls me 'her toy' like i'm a posession not a person, it's infuriating beyond words.

It's so hard without boring you to tears with tedious details to let you gain a full understanding of the circumstances but from my point of view if anything the questions over my sexuality, if they need to be asked at all, are a secondary issue. her attitude and behaviour towards me are the primary concern. Yeah ok I find some men attractive and some gay porn sexually stimulating, but the same goes for some women and some hetero porn. I don't think the issue can be simplified to the extent of earlier posters as: repressed/in denial homo seeks way out of hetero relationship, there's more to it than that.

 

[bankside]

I take your point but I doubt she will be the first to act. She's fighting back for the relationship, but it may be too little too late. I think half the reason why I feel drawn towards my friend is that he actually shows that he cares about how I feel, regardless of how he feels, it doesn't matter what sort of a day he's had he will always have time to listen and advise, whereas she just talks about herself, no matter how bad your day was hers was worst. If you had a good day, hers was better, if you achieved something, she did something better still. She doesn't treat me like a human she calls me 'her toy' like i'm a posession not a person, it's infuriating beyond words.

It's so hard without boring you to tears with tedious details to let you gain a full understanding of the circumstances but from my point of view if anything the questions over my sexuality, if they need to be asked at all, are a secondary issue. her attitude and behaviour towards me are the primary concern. Yeah ok I find some men attractive and some gay porn sexually stimulating, but the same goes for some women and some hetero porn. I don't think the issue can be simplified to the extent of earlier posters as: repressed/in denial homo seeks way out of hetero relationship, there's more to it than that.

I get it, all things being equal if all of you were single, she isn't the sort of woman you would wish on your straight friends. She isn't the sort of woman you'd introduce to them. In fact you'd warn them off, it sounds like.

Well, upsetting her sounds like a small price to pay for your freedom. And though it is decent of you to want somehow to spare her unnecessary heartache, if she is not growing into a better, more tolerable person within your relationship, then perhaps she will get further as a single woman.

If you are not ready to make that decision yet, at least commit to not indulging her poor behaviour. Even if it causes a row, in her mind that is how couples are supposed to engage with each other anyway. I think if you just don't humour it, she might not want her "toy" on those terms any more.

For what its worth, I dated a woman for two years just out of high school, and though my sexuality isn't the reason we broke up , it was a major reason we didn't get back together. (She could be a selfish, petulant, needy control freak whose low self-esteem lead her to conclude that if she was worthless, then I must have been worthless for dating her, and no matter what I said or did, it was always deemed to be wrong or half-hearted or "that doesn't change anything" or bla bla bla. As long as she could keep me dancing in search of her approval, it was "great." But when I just stopped caring or responding to any of that, she quickly lost interest. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hurt. I wasn't even concerned. I sincerely didn't give a damn any more, and she lost interest the minute I wasn't playing along with her games.)