Suicide in extended "family"

[Ram]

Just want to share and let you all know I can talk about serious stuff too...

Today (Saturday) someone I know commit suicide by leaping off the building she was housed in. This girl -- 20, 21 years old? -- is somehow related to me. My grandma's nephew's daughter so that makes me her my cousin, I guess? -- or grandpa or whatever fuck I just don't care. I know we are related in some weird way because if we aren't then my parents would be forcefully arranging me to get married to her.

It has affected my parents, not considerably though, but enough to make them stop and think. Deaths of other strangers (or members of the families we don't really care or like) would induce an "oh okay" from them but this death had them saying "oh" followed by silence, then "shit".

If you see the entire community through my parents' eyes, you won't see a family tree, you see the whole damn family rainforest.
Through my eyes, it's a fucking bonsai plant.

Which brings me to the purpose of this thread: I have had never deal the tragic suicidal deaths of people I barely know, people that I had said hi to. My life is so sheltered I have yet to attend a proper funeral.

I don't really know this girl. I mean I know this girl. She is pretty, polite, quiet -- she clearly hid her demons well. So why is this messy sad affair bothering me? How can a life just stop? Sure, falling face first into concrete from 20, 30 storeys high would do the trick but she can't just go like that.

I wish I got to know her a little better, at least compliment on her dress or something. And her parents. The look in their eyes. Suicide is a fake solution for just one person, clearly not a solution for the rest. Not a fuck is given to the rest, leaving so many problems with the people who care. Unless it's a mass suicide, then well, many solutions, but that's not the point here.

I just don't understand. I thought I understood death and suicide.

Anyway, she got cremated today. I didn't go because my Dad didn't tell my brother and me about the whole funeral event until it was over (see paragraph on sheltered life). As per custom, Indians have to wear white to funerals and cremations. White is like the color of mourning. I hate wearing white and I am a little glad I didn't have to go because the only white shirt I have has the words "to die for" printed on it.

 

[sixthson]

It would be nice to think that the tragedies of life change us for the better, but we humans do not improve so easily. At least not without effort. When these awful things happen, we think how we could have been kinder, more patient, taken more time to get to know someone. Then we fall back into the rut of indifference and apathy.
However, we are without excuse for this. Life usually does not change us much. It takes a deliberate act of our wills.

The truth is, people are hurting and living in quiet desperation because they do not speak of it or we do not listen. We need to daily remind outselves of this and not wait until tragedy strikes.

Ram, thanks for sharing and reminding us to care about others. You are more tenderhearted than you would let on, I believe.

I wish I could give you a warm hug, buddy.

 

[LilBit]

After someone dies, it's easy for us to blame ourselves for a myriad of sins of omission. But like you said, she hid her demons well, and you couldn't have known how much pain she was in. As far as you knew, you had a lifetime to get to know her better, and it's not your fault that she cut that lifetime short. Instead of focusing on the things you didn't do, try to think of the good memories you have of her, and feel good about the things you did to make her life better.

 

[star-warrior]

I can relate to the bonsai in a rainforest analogy. White too is the Chinese colour of mourning. I'm sorry to hear of her death and how it's affected you.

When my dad was dying, he told me 顾生莫顾死 [kuː˥˧ saŋ˧ mɔk˥ ku˥˨ː siː˧˩] which roughly translates as, turn your attentions to the living, and don't dwell on the dead. He was right, as life continues, even though you do wonder about what may have been. Introspection does make you see things in a new light, but use it to enrich your life with those you love, family, friends, and even strangers, so that you know you did your best with them in the future.

 

[BINOWGAYLATER]

this is very sad.... sad for the girl, sad for her family ..and sad for you too ..

it's a good thing that this death has touched you - -people above have written such thoughtful responses.

when something like this happens it reminds us that we are not in control of the unverse. Things will happen that affect us -- good things and bad things, and we can do nothing to stop (or control) them. it reminds us of our vunerability. and that is a scarey thing.

talking about it - and hearing how others interpret these events helps us to understand and think about it in other ways -- ways we had not thought of . so it's a good thing you wrote about it and others commented.

There is an American Indian poem that i cannot quote - but it begins - -
Do not grieve for me...I am not here.

you will have your "cousin's" memory in your mind and your heart for the rest of your life - and it will touch your life in ways you do not yet know.

so as the "shrinks" would say --

"Acknowledge and move on"........ (wish someone had told me that a long long time ago).

hugs/

 

[Ram]

Such brilliant posts by all of you (including myself).

 

[Anders123]

I had a friend who lived in America, I met him at a LAN event a few years back when I was a professional gamer (I've got to stop admitting how nerdy I am on these forums). Anyway, I found out recently that he had died in his apartment. He was 26. Much like me, he was an introvert, and his death and body went undiscovered for nine days. There were so many times in the last year before his death that he had sent me an IM and I hadn't bothered to reply because I was busy writing, or busy playing some stupid game. What if he was reaching out to me? What if he was depressed and my ignoring him just perpetuated the idea that he was all alone? What if I could have been that one person that made all of the difference? His death inspired the quote in my current sig. I was so selfish that I didn't bother replying to him. I didn't have the time for small talk, I was busy doing my own thing...


star-warrior, yours and your father's words are great ones. I'm now more vocal in support of others, I now do what I can to show people that I'm always here for them, that I care. Sure, I still occasionally beat myself up about not replying to his IMs, but as much as I want to, I cannot change what happened in the past. What I can do, though, is use what I learned from that experience to change myself for the better. I always thought that kindness and compassion were the greatest, and most prominent aspects of my personality. After Justin's death, I realised that perhaps I wasn't as kind and compassionate as I could be... as I thought I was. I'm not going to let myself become complacent with this, I wont let myself go back to the person I was. I feel like by being so adamant in this, that I'm honouring him... that I'm honouring his life.

Ram, I'm so sorry to hear about how this has all affected you. The things that went through my mind, and how I felt when the ^above story happened, are very much mirrored in your OP. I'm going to quote star-warrior, because his words ring so true...

Introspection does make you see things in a new light, but use it to enrich your life with those you love, family, friends, and even strangers, so that you know you did your best with them in the future.

Andrew

 

[evanrick]

i wonder how long ppl last from their first thoughts of suicide until it happens.

 

[Ram]

*jump*

I mean

*bump*

Sorry but this how I like to deal with sadness and awkwardness in my life. If it is not funny (to me at least), it should then kill me.

Okay, apparently she was 18, intoxicated, had an argument and after that she made the leap.

Just a quick question. All suicides will be treated as criminal cases, right? Am I breaking the law if I talk about her suicide?

 

[Sausy]

I hear ya,Ram....found out at work yesterday the son of a wonderful lady who's a coworker was killed instantly when his car hit a pole on a slick road,had been raining....he was her only child,she lived for him and was so proud of him,he was just 23,recently graduated from university and a real sweet,good kid who was very close to his mom.She had played matchmaker to a degree with my sister and brother in law when they first were going out years ago,my sister always has good things to say about her(they worked together for three years).Whether it's a rash suicide or a horrible accident,seems like such a waste.Don't really know what else to say,it just sucks.

 

[Ram]

I hear ya,Ram....found out at work yesterday the son of a wonderful lady who's a coworker was killed instantly when his car hit a pole on a slick road,had been raining....he was her only child,she lived for him and was so proud of him,he was just 23,recently graduated from university and a real sweet,good kid who was very close to his mom.She had played matchmaker to a degree with my sister and brother in law when they first were going out years ago,my sister always has good things to say about her(they worked together for three years).Whether it's a rash suicide or a horrible accident,seems like such a waste.Don't really know what else to say,it just sucks.

Oh man, I am so sorry.

I think you know what I felt that day.

I can get over the death of people but to see their loved ones grief just destroys me.

Honestly, if my partner dies before me, I have no idea how to cope.

 

[Sausy]

Oh man, I am so sorry.

I think you know what I felt that day.

I can get over the death of people but to see their loved ones grief just destroys me.

Honestly, if my partner dies before me, I have no idea how to cope.

Thanks Ram,I do know....he was her whole life,a lot of us at work don't know how she'll ever get over with.Platitudes are useless when it comes to such unfathomable grief.....maybe it's good I haven't gotten too close to people,don't know myself how I would handle it,either,I lost my parents but they were seriously ill at the time,had some time to prepare but something that just happens like this and then someone is gone....like you I hope to never have to experience it,wouldn't know what to do.

 

[StlKj]

The intoxicated part either makes it more tragic or less, depending on your view. One can take comfort in the fact that she probably would not have done it sober and thinking clearly, or one can be even sadder knowing that if she had just not been drinking, she'd still be here. The CDC reports that at least 24% of suicides involve intoxication.

Two years ago my 21 year old friend killed himself, most likely in connection with depression after a breakup. Last year another friend's sixteen year old brother killed himself. Two weeks ago a former colleague's son in his twenties committed suicide. I barely knew, or did not know at all, the latter two young men, but their deaths hurt because of the pain my friends and colleagues went through.

I must disagree with one poster above--we should not remove the stigma connected with suicide--it will always be an alien concept to those who have not felt that way and/or who are grieving the loss of a loved one. What we need to do a better job of is educating people on mental illness, coping skills and warning signs. Knowing why a person wants to do it will not offer any comfort once it's done; however, knowing how to recognize signs and how to help can mean a world of difference.

I'm sorry this has touched your life in this manner, Ram. Deal with it in whatever way makes sense to you.

 

[G-Lexington]

A lot of the time, I think I "understand" something. Ends up I don't. I just proclaim it "understood", then shove it under some other stuff in the bottom drawer and try not to think about it. Until something comes along that makes me think about it, and I realize I'm not so on-top-of-it as I'd like to admit.

My personal experience with actual suicides has been mercifully small. A modest friend at school ended up falling to her death while visiting Russia, and it was never determined whether it was an accident, suicide or murder. My mother's friend's son tried to kill himself by setting himself ablaze when he was 14. And I've had various friends and acquaintances who were depressed enough to consider it but never actually give it a go. And whenever the specter of suicide looms - as it does often in my role at EC - it's never easy sailing for me. Because every time I help someone face their own demons, my own tend to show up in support. And I have to deal with my own shit, and my fears that the foundation I've built my life on might be built on clay and washed away at a moment's notice. And who wants to deal with that crap? But I kinda gotta - part of the gig.

Lex

 

[swerve]

Wow -- that is horrible to hear...

I have a double cousin (my mother's sister married my father's brother) who was like a brother to me...

He had tried to commit suicide twice -- and my mother actually brought him to a psychiatric place that was FOR people that tried to commit suicide...

He was SUPPOSED to be under 24 hour watch -- but somehow managed to get out...

They had barbed wire fencing surrounding the property -- but he found a loose spot in the fencing and was able to wrap it around his neck, lean back, and hang himself somehow...

I was on vacation at Hedonism II in Negril Jamaica at the time -- and cut my vacation short for his funeral. By the time I got home I was SO PISSED at him, that I did NOT attend the funeral...

I'm over that now -- but I still occasionally think of him. He was a kind and beautiful man -- and I sometimes wonder how much BETTER this world would be if he hadn't of spun out of control...

Best wishes for your extended family...

 

[LilBit]

Just a quick question. All suicides will be treated as criminal cases, right? Am I breaking the law if I talk about her suicide?

I don't know what the situation is in Singapore, but I believe most US states have decriminalized suicide.

 

[JOHN B]

I wonder how many times suicide is related to financial troubles. I know that i get extremely stressed out when I cannot pay my bills and I have landlords/collectors hounding me for money. Though I would never seriously consider it (due to seeing the results of those "left behind" in my own extended family), there are times when I would gladly give some thief/mugger the finger and let him (egg him on to?) shoot me rather than give away my last few dollars. I imagine it is ten times worse when you own a home, or have a family counting on you for $$ support. Lack of money can add SO much stress to normal everyday life problems.
They say money doesn't bring happiness, but I don't always believe that. How many suicides could have been prevented if someone had somehow had money dropped into their lap in their time of financial need.