Supporting your BF/Partner through a difficult situation...

[dhchitown1984]

Well, here we go:

My boyfriend cheated on me, about a month and a half ago.
The guy he cheated on me with became slightly stalker-ish when my boyfriend told him it was done, over, and a physical thing for him and not emotional connection.

Regardless of the details, my boyfriend and I are still together. The other guy began sending him text messages along the lines of "I want to be friends, you're a good guy." My BF turned down the offers. On three separate occasions the guy texted my BF with "I can't handle this anymore, I'm going to jump off my balcony tonight" and my BF did go to see that he was OK. Said that he was upset, drunk, etc and said that he "was falling in love with him" over the course of the two-week sex romp.

Two weeks ago, my BF and I were out at our usual Monday night spot. Other Guy was there. Got drunk, started making threats, and laid on a speedbump outside the bar saying he was going to kill himself. My BF called 911, he was taken to the hospital for three days and released.

Last night, he killed himself.

My boyfriend has been torn up all day. And I can respect it in that he feels he contributed to issues that were already present.

Problem is, I don't exactly "care." I mean, I care in that when you see a story on the news where someone is killed and you say "oh my gosh thats terrible!" but you don't care in that there is no attachment to the story. Thats the only way I care..... and I don't think that makes me a bad person given the circumstances.

I want to be supportive of my boyfriend but I have ZERO emotional feelings about this at all. I don't know how to take it because I don't want to appear as though I have no soul.... but I just don't "care." It doesn't help that my BF still has grandparents on one side of the family, and never met his father or his parents.... he's never been to a funeral or a wake, he's never experienced the death of someone in his life... so I can understand this may have some magnitude, so I want to be there for him... I just have no idea how to be.

Suggestions? Advice? Similiar situations? Part of this, for me, is also just to share the situation with someone else. I haven't told my friends that my BF cheated on me, and I sort of don't want to go around painting him in a negative light if its something we're looking to move past.

 

[HunterM]

Just be there for your boyfriend and listen. If your boyfriend still has guilt over that man's death after 2 weeks, you BOTH need to see a counselor together. You have to be there to learn how to manage the situation because it is affecting your relationship with him.

Best wishes.

 

[loveguys72]

Hunter's right. Your role is just to be present, to listen, provide a shoulder to cry on, words of comfort and reassurance, and mostly just to love him. I can sort of understand why your boyfriend is feeling extreme guilt and sadness, and it has more to do with cheating on you and the ultimate consequences it's had. Professional counselling would be very helpful here.

 

[swerve]

HOLY SHIT!!!

What a NIGHTMARE...

The above advice is good -- but I cannot even IMAGINE...

YIGHTZ!!!

 

[HorndogPaul]

Hunter's right. Your role is just to be present, to listen, provide a shoulder to cry on, words of comfort and reassurance, and mostly just to love him. I can sort of understand why your boyfriend is feeling extreme guilt and sadness, and it has more to do with cheating on you and the ultimate consequences it's had. Professional counseling would be very helpful here.

Completely agree with this! Be there for him in anyway possible. Let him know he can tell you anything and you won't get upset (and then follow through by not getting upset). He should try some counseling though if it still really bothers him after talking with you more or if he isn't able to open up to you and go through the grievence process without additional help.

 

[swerve]

Oh...

And one piece of advice for your boyfriend -- whom I suspect is WAY MORE traumatized by this...

DON'T ALLOW someone else's suicide to AFFECT you...

Suicide is a VERY SELFISH act...

Believe me -- I've had an EXTRAORDINARILY close person to me KILL himself...

It makes me more ANGRY than anything else...

Sorry that you are going through such a horrible time -- and I actually APPRECIATE your ability to not get caught up in the dead guys games...

 

[strosbuff88]

i'm so sorry for the loss of this guy. it's disheartening and saddening that he took his own life. my prayers for his family and friends. :[

 

[bankside]

Your boyfriend is learning that sleeping with someone is not just physical.

It's a very hard way to learn this lesson about human emotions, but it's a lesson he needs to learn quickly and thoroughly if he is going to be a better boyfriend to you in the future. Probably one of the things that made you willing to consider moving past the affair is it was over and done with. But now the other cheater is dead and your boyfriend is sitting in front of you grieving. It has to be intrusive.

As far as the guy who killed himself, you will probably never regret trying to think of him with some compassion. But you don't owe him any tears.

As far as your boyfriend, if you want to keep working on your future with him, then you have a reason to think of of him with some compassion, even though he has been such an asshole. But to be honest you don't owe him any tears either.

He's going to be miserable because he created a shitty mess that has blown up in his face. Can't do anything about that except not rip his face off until he moves past it. But eventually he has to get back to reality that he has a boyfriend he was dumb enough to almost throw away, and he has to work on being a much better man than he has been over the last 2 months.

 

[Seasoned]

You and your bf will one day take comfort from the fact that you provided the intervention that might have saved him--the 911 call that gave him 72 hours of safety. He refused further treatment. There is no way we can prevent another's suicide other than what you did. Unfortunately, some people die at their own hand. What you and the bf have got to eventually realize is that your bf's rejection wasn't the cause of his suicide; it was his excuse for his suicide.

There still are two issues--the suicide and the cheating. He could use some individual counseling for the suicide and the two of you may also need couple's counseling for the cheating. See how it goes. His trauma doesn't negate yours. That's the reason you're not shedding tears.

 

[Supervert]

Out of curiosity, did he attend the wake/funeral?

And, Cameron Diaz has a point...

 

[borg69unimatrix]

So many posts here are for comforting HIM.

What about YOU???

He Cheated, and brought all this drama and embarrassment on himself, and you.

Who is comforting you right now??? I see you as being the victim most of all here.

 

[looseliam]

Your boyfriend needs to grow a set of bollocks and get over it. If some random guy I fucked took a header off a building, I'd barely give it a second thought. Why? Only fluids were exchanged.

There's nothing either of you could have done to change this outcome. My guess is it would have happened eventually, perhaps, with another person.

I'd be wondering why it is he's so broken up about it...

Do not give this person any more power over your lives.

That being said, I'm sorry you have to deal with this after all that's happened.

 

[justanothershyguy]

So many posts here are for comforting HIM.

What about YOU???

He Cheated, and brought all this drama and embarrassment on himself, and you.

Who is comforting you right now??? I see you as being the victim most of all here.

Because his BF and him are getting over that. He is asking how he should support his BF, so we are answering.

Your boyfriend needs to grow a set of bollocks and get over it. If some random guy I fucked took a header off a building, I'd barely give it a second thought. Why? Only fluids were exchanged.
...
I'd be wondering why it is he's so broken up about it...

Okay, that's a really insensitive thing to say. That said, everyone deals with death differently.

I'll tell you exactly why he's so broken up about it: his BF feels that he could have done something more. He couldn't. He called 911 and they took care of him for three days. That's all you can do with something like that.

To the OP: I understand why you don't feel as bad about what happened as your BF does. But, if you care about your BF, I think it's important that you be there for him and listen. Be empathetic if you want. Just be there for him and it will mean alot to him.

Best wishes.

 

[Benjoe]

You're too good for him.

Your boyfriend cheats on you, the guy he cheats on you with is a lunatic, ends up killing himself and your worried how best you can help your boyfriend get over this...

He doesn't deserve you.

 

[strosbuff88]

You're too good for him.

Your boyfriend cheats on you, the guy he cheats on you with is a lunatic, ends up killing himself and your worried how best you can help your boyfriend get over this...

He doesn't deserve you.

he wasn't a lunatic! how disrespectful and cruel that you interpret him as such. he was human, capable of emotion and thought. he was someones son, someones friend. we don't enter this life alone but surrounded and welcomed by people excited and in anticipation of our birth. we don't leave this life alone either. i cannot and will not draw a conclusion or assume but surely there could have been more to prevent his passing. no one should pass by their own hand.

 

[looseliam]

Okay, that's a really insensitive thing to say. That said, everyone deals with death differently.

Insensitive to whom? dhchitown1984? Nope. His cheating boyfriend? Yes, so what? What's happening to him are consequences of his actions, nothing more. For that, I have no sensitivity.

 

[justanothershyguy]

Insensitive to whom? dhchitown1984? Nope. His cheating boyfriend? Yes, so what? What's happening to him are consequences of his actions, nothing more. For that, I have no sensitivity.

Look. did you miss the part where OP says

The guy he cheated on me with became slightly stalker-ish when my boyfriend told him it was done, over, and a physical thing for him and not emotional connection.

It's insensitive because his BF tried to move on and the guy wouldn't let it happen. It's insensitive because the OP said:

I sort of don't want to go around painting him in a negative light if its something we're looking to move past.

The BF tried to help. Obviously there was a big mistake that caused the whole thing to start, but it appears that he realizes this. That's why what you said is insensitive.

I'm not gonna argue here anymore.

 

[Rolyo85]

To get to the point of suicide, you have to be in an incredibly dark and lonely place. To call such a person "a lunatic" is just ugly. And to feel responsible for another's death, especially someone you have been intimate with - even if only physically - must be a terrible burden. It isn't about reason or logic, it's about the knowledge that you were part of the darkness that swallowed another human being. I suggest the judgment brigade cut back on the insensitivity and try this new crazy thing called compassion. It makes for better interaction with people.

As for OP's question, it seems to have been answered.

 

[loveguys72]

he wasn't a lunatic! how disrespectful and cruel that you interpret him as such. he was human, capable of emotion and thought. he was someones son, someones friend. we don't enter this life alone but surrounded and welcomed by people excited and in anticipation of our birth. we don't leave this life alone either. i cannot and will not draw a conclusion or assume but surely there could have been more to prevent his passing. no one should pass by their own hand.

Stros, we all like to believe we have control, but that control is tenuous at best. The BF did what he could for a deeply disturbed man. Sadly, the guy's emotional and psychological problems were too great. As I said above, the BF's real source of grief is that his dumb decision to cheat has brought all this drama into the OP and his relationship.

Also, though we may not enter this world alone, more than a few enter it unwanted and unloved. And more than a few leave it very much alone. There's a documentary called "A Certain Kind of Death", about people who die alone in the world. It's revealing of a corner of the human condition most people never acknowledge.