Supposedly "straight" mates...

[biguy69]

Ok, bear with me on this it's a bit long.

I have a mate dave who is supposedly "not gay", he never says he's straight, just that he's "not gay".
That was all fine until I came out to him as being bi.

I'm straight acting and totally non-scene and tend to quite rarely have gay relationships.
I started going out with a guy, when it had been going on for a weeks I decided to go public and tell my mates including those that I'd not come out to before.
All were fine with it as I expected bar a few jokes and piss takes, then there were the confessions that some had tried gay stuff before, nothing out of the ordinary.

A few days later I was at a mates party where dave decided to confess he'd had a gay thing before when we were chatting outside and then proceeded to grab me and kiss me, this was fine and just a laugh as far as I was concerned as were several other little comments and drunken kisses the following months.

I'm a very open person and if I'm out with friends then sometimes it happens, mainly with girls but occasionally the odd guy is up for it.

The past month or so it's got more intense to the point I think there may be something more to it, he's seeing a girl at the moment and is renowned for being a ladies man, but keeps bringing the subject up again and again.

Apologies for rambling above but now I'll get to the point...

We went away this weekend to see a mutual friend who had moved away and was having a party, we hadn't planned to go together or anything it just happened we were both going and so travelled up together on the train and caught up after not seeing each other.
We got to our friends city and went for a few drinks first, my friend decided she wanted to go and show us the gay quarter where she'd found some nice bars and so we went for a few drinks.
As per usual he got flirty and I brushed it off then we went off to our friends place tor the party.

All was fine and normal, and about 3am I was tired so went for a bit of a sleep upstairs... I woke with the door opening and Dave and my other friend coming in, he'd managed to spill a drink all over himself and so came to get changed as all his stuff was in the room.
I was half asleep so paid no attention.

Next thing I know Dave is pushing me to move over and getting in to bed with me which I do and roll over to sleep more.
Then he grabbed my hand and shoved it in his pants, he kissed me and told me to suck his cock, now me being drunk and realising he was said no at which point he dived under the covers and started sucking me off...
I ended up sucking him too and we kissed for a while, then he got up and went back to the party and I fell asleep again.

A few hours later he came back in and woke me up and started talking about it, he seemed fine about it and just laughed about most of it. Some bits he didn't remember.

What I'm kind of looking for advice on is how to react to this.
He's a nice guy but maintains he isn't gay, yet stuff keeps happening with us.
I don't know if it's because I'm a safe option, I generally have girlfriends more than guys and we are already quite close.

I wouldn't be adverse to having a relationship with the guy if he wanted it, but only if it was genuine and not putting myself in a situation where I'll get hurt.
He's a really good mate and I do love the guy to bits but as a friend.
I learnt a long tome ago to define friends and potential fucks/boyfriends but this one has got me off guard and I can't read the signals at all.

Every time something happens it's still cool between us and we've had a conversation about it where I spelled out the fact I'd happily go out with him if a) he was interested and b) I didn't think it would damage our friendship and he was very non committal but stuff keeps happening.

I know being drunk is no excuse, but I've turned him down when sober and he only seems to pounce when we're both pissed.

Any advice?

I think I already know the answer...

 

[davy]

if he's you're good friend, then what does it matter if he's gay or not?

he's probably still trying to figure out things for himself.

appreciate the relationship, let him know that you're cool with however he wants to define himself (if he wants to define himself at all) and let him figure things out for himself rather than you trying to figure it out for him.

 

[biguy69]

if he's you're good friend, then what does it matter if he's gay or not?

he's probably still trying to figure out things for himself.

appreciate the relationship, let him know that you're cool with however he wants to define himself (if he wants to define himself at all) and let him figure things out for himself rather than you trying to figure it out for him.

It doesn't matter if he's gay, it matters that he's messing about with me and it's fucking my head up.

 

[biguy69]

Um, you have a problem on your hands.

Your friend here has some issues with his own sexuality, and he has issues with his girlfriend, and he has issues with his friendship with you. Frankly, I am wondering if you are entirely comfortable with being bi, mainly because you seem to summarily reject the gay scene.

Now, frankly, I don't blame you for that, I mean, the cookie cutter bars, the bad dance music, the stereotypical image, it's enough to turn you straight. What makes me wonder about you though, is something in the way you said it struck a chord with me, and I wonder why it is that you reject the scene. I feel like it's a knee jerk reaction made on your part to reinforce your masculinity, and if so, then you have some things to work out. But that's a separate conversation.

Your buddy Dave, he's got more shit to work out. And you are caught in the middle of it. I think you need to answer a few questions about that before you go another step.

1- Do you want to have a sexual/romantic relationship with him?
2- If you do, are you prepared to be an accesory to him violating the trust and basic pretense of his relationship with his girl, and probably hurt her in the process? And, if you're seeing anyone, isn't the same true for them?
3- If you do, consider that you seem to be much further along than he is in trems of coming to terms with your sexual identity. Do you really want to have to wait for him to catch up?
4- If you don't want a relationship with him, then what are you doing? If your answer is no, that needs to be a decisive action, and you've got to stick to it. You are allowing him to get what he wants, to hell with the consequences. That is a mighty dangerous road to go down.

I think you are setting yourself up for some big problems with him, so give some thought to what you do next.

Sorry for the bad news, especially since you just joined us. I wish you the best of luck though, and I hope this helps-

Thanks for the reply.

I don't reject the gay scene, I actually do go to gay bars and clubs and have done for years, but it's not something I enjoy and make a habit of in general.
I'll camp it up if I feel like it and have had some of my best days out at gay pride events, but again it's just not really my thing.
The environment I grew up in I have both gay and straight friends, but while I love clubbing and stuff I'm very in to my music and tend to follow that and go to see good djs and bands rather than go a gay club to fit in with a stereotype if you get my drift.

To address the points:

1) I'd consider a relationship with him, we do have a very close friendship already.
2) No I wouldn't be prepared to break his relationship up and I am single now.
3) Him catching up could be awkward but I'd be willing to try and help/wait.
4) We've always been close and to cut off all tactile contact would need a lot of explaining on my part and potentially cause problems tat I'm not really willing to risk the friendship over. I'd rather he felt comfortable enough to come to me about things in his own time if he wants to than me yell at him for not living up to my expectations.

 

[jockboy01]

This strikes me as a bit of a messy situation really. There are so many variables but I'll give you the gist of how I see it and the options.

It seems that Dave is not str8 (I know, I'm sherlock holmes for that one). But he is not comfortable at all with that idea.

You seem fairly comfortable in your own skin (bi or whatever you want to label).

I don't see you two having a relationship in the near future at all. Hate to be a pessimist, but it just doesn't seem like Dave is ready or will be for quite a while. So I don't think that is a viable option at this time. So as I see it, you've got two choices.

1) You can continue as things are. Enjoy his friendship and sexual encounters whenever they sporadically occur. Just don't get too attached. There is the whole gf who's getting screwed (figuratively obviously) in this scenario. As long as this situation is cool with you, then it is a viable option. It doesn't sound like you two messing around is hurting your friendship (which I think is amazing personally). And as long as you don't start to fall for the guy, you can maintain status quo.

2) Keep the friendship, end the sexual contact. You lose getting your rocks off with your friend, but it makes you less likely to fall for the guy in the long term (which I'm not sure you haven't already started btw). Plus, it's good for the gf (although he may get his m4m action elsewhere). Might be hard at first... hell it might even require an open honest conversation between the two of you. But I think in the end, the friendship can be saved without either getting hurt and maybe you can help him figure things out at some point.

Obviously the third option is to end the friendship but I don't think that needs/should happen.

I'm sure I seem biased to #2 despite trying not to be. But that's just my choice. #1 could work for other people, just not me. Really, these are the only two paths I see for you.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Biguy,

Mate...the important word here in all of this is respect...for all of you involved. And it seems to me that thats whats doing your head in....respect for yourself, for him and the gf. From the outside looking in, I think you've got values and standards that make you think that whats going on here isnt right. My guess is that you see people ending up hurt....

Dave has clearly got some issues that either cant or doesnt want to face....but those things are not in your control unless he confides honestly and openly in you...right now he doesnt seem so keen....and as long as you tolerate his behavior he gonna keep it this way. Its not fair to you that you are put in this position...its not what you want by the sounds of it - nor deserve. And quite frankly its not right to the gf whom when it comes down to it...you are the significant other.....

Like you said...I'm guessing you know the answer. Time to call his bluff mate...its all in...open honest and upfront...or nothing. You seem like you moral compass teel you that you dont want to be hurt or responsible for hurting others. Tell him how you feel....sadly for you the balls in his court. My guess is that if you dont in the long run he wont be there as either lover or freind....

 

[biguy69]

1) You can continue as things are. Enjoy his friendship and sexual encounters whenever they sporadically occur. Just don't get too attached. There is the whole gf who's getting screwed (figuratively obviously) in this scenario. As long as this situation is cool with you, then it is a viable option. It doesn't sound like you two messing around is hurting your friendship (which I think is amazing personally). And as long as you don't start to fall for the guy, you can maintain status quo.

2) Keep the friendship, end the sexual contact. You lose getting your rocks off with your friend, but it makes you less likely to fall for the guy in the long term (which I'm not sure you haven't already started btw).

All this is just confirming what I was thinking myself TBH.

I know that if i let it keep happening then I will end up falling for him and getting hurt, like I said we are amazingly close and in particular having someone he can open up to about stuff straight guys may find hard to talk about helps.

I think I need to distance myself slightly and just exercise more self control to stop the drunken fumbles happening.

 

[Soilwork]

what you have is a boner-fied fuck buddy.

You're friends and although you can watch the football game, while the halftime show is on you can whip them out, jack off, suck a little dick, then grab a beer and order some pizza and watch the rest of the game.

Most guys would kill for this arrangement...

 

[jockboy01]

I think I need to distance myself slightly and just exercise more self control to stop the drunken fumbles happening.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

 

[biguy69]

Well this has been resolved to an extent.

We had a chat one night on MSN about his relationship with his GF and I basically told him that as much fun as he was when he was being a slut his happiness was more important.

The next day he announced that they had decided to go "official" and he's mentioned marriage a few times already which if I'm honest cuts like a knife but at the end of the day what makes him happy is more important than a bit of lust.

I think he was scared of what was about to happen in his relationship and so used me as a test and sound board, for some reason it's hurt more than I thought it would, I guess despite the fact I told him to stop messing about and make a choice I kind of always hoped on some level that he'd choose me as unlikely as it was.
It's going to be tough for a while, I was at a party this weekend with them and they were all over each other, I also had quite a long chat with the GF as she wants to get to know me bacause I'm one of his best friends and she needs to know his friends.

I ended up leaving early because I wasn't quite ready to deal with her telling me how in love with him she was etc. and I felt like a total bastard.

Anyway, what's done is done, I've got to put my feelings aside and concentrate on how to carry on the friendship without the 'extras' now, I'm going to be going away for a month for work so that will make things easier with everything not being right in my face.

Cheers to all who gave advice, it spurred me on to doing what was needed and confirmed what I was already thinking.

I'll just sit on the sidelines until they split up and make my move. lol.

 

[slobone]

Thank God for that "lol", otherwise I would have thought you were serious!

This guy sounds like a mess and not relationship material at all. If he can only act on his gay impulses when he's drunk he wouldn't be a very good boyfriend or even "fuck buddy" (when did Soilwork start approving of a guy cheating on his girlfriend???).

Wish him well with his "marriage" and find somebody who's a little more available.

 

[tallguy297]

Good on you biguy... you've done the right thing here...you gotta be proud of that even if it does come at a bit of a cost right now. In the long run you've gotta live with yourself and the choices that you make.

Slobone's right ...this guy sounds like he's headed for trouble one way or another...talk about a knee jerk reaction! For his gf's sake i hope he's serious...I dont think he realises the effects of his actions on those around him...yours or hers!

You sound like a decent guy mate... there is someone who will see that and value you for these values and the real you. Let this one go mate....he's gonna take you down...

 

[Soilwork]

(when did Soilwork start approving of a guy cheating on his girlfriend???).

To be honest, the way I read it, it sounded more like she was just a fuck buddy too.

Ok.. so..

repeat after me:


Soilwork says dating men who play games is baaaaaaaaaaaad.

Soilwork says dating bisexual men is baaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Soilwork says that allowing yourself to be used like a sex toy and thrown to the side when anyone else comes along so he can date women in public and rub your face in it is yet antoher way that gay men get treated...


I don't think so.


Homo don't play dat.

 

[jockboy01]

Sorry to hear it biguy but I think it'll be better this way in the long term for you. For him, who knows. The month away I think will be really good. Maybe you'll find somebody while out there that will make you forget about him.

You've done well, and while it hurts now, in the long run, it is for the best I think.

 

[biguy69]

Already feeling much better about it all actually.
It's been good to have a vent on these forums too as sometimes friends just aren't the people to talk to, especially with this situation where he asked me not to tell anyone about stuff between us.
I wouldn't gossip to mates in case it got out but fuck me did I need to get it off my chest.

Thanks again for listening guys.
Awesome bunch of people.

I may even stop lurking and post more...

 

[jockboy01]

lurk, post, whichever you want. We always welcome more insight but I have a feeling there are a LOT more lurkers than posters in here. And that's okay too. It's nice when they make the switch and we get to say hello and welcome!

 

[CGHJ]

I have a friend like that. He's def not gay, but he def likes to play. I don't psychoanalyse him, and frankly I give a shit whether he's gay straight or anything else. Frankly I can't see what the bog deal is: I suck dick better than girls and he admits it. He likes thing shoves up his ass and girls don't like to do that and don't have the big thick cock that I've got. Lots of guys are like that and if all of them were gay, then there wouldn't be any straight guys left in the Marine Corps, or in this whole town apparently. Drop all the labels and have fun.

 

[biguy69]

Thought I'd update this thread now the dust has had time to settle...

Not much to report actually, things stayed the same, he's still with his GF but we're not so close anymore as he started to piss me off by constantly bringing it up as if he had some kind of power over me because I wanted him so bad... As it turned out I'm not even slightly attracted to him anymore, I got over it pretty quick when he started acting like an idiot.

Glad I was sensible about it.
The lesson here as per usual is that most of the time "straight" guys who want to fuck around for their own enjoyment should be avoided.

It's surprising how quick you can lose the man-crush when they try to treat you like a bitch.



Cheers again for all who gave advice.

 

[RicanDAB]

The lesson here as per usual is that most of the time "straight" guys who want to fuck around for their own enjoyment should be avoided.

Yeah, he's definitely NOT straight. He gave up that label the minute his lips touched your dick. IMHO, you're better off and glad to hear you're over him.