I don't post on JUB as often as I once did, partly because I am busier at work these days and just can't find as much time. But I had a very meaningful experience a few weeks ago and wanted to share it - to get it out of my system and to offer some insights to others just in case anything I say is useful...
For many years I've been someone who suffers physically with stress symptoms. I think medical science would diagnose me as having some sort of depressive "issues" but I wouldn't describe myself as feeling sad. I do, however, have to deal with typical stress manifestations like palpitations, shakiness, stomach upsets, migraines and so on. In certain situations I am a very confident and comfortable person, but in lots of situations I feel shy, nervous and "just plain different". I consider myself to be a thoughtful, insightful individual who has a pretty good understanding of why I behave like I do and what influences have gone towards making me the person I am today. I went through a long period in which I blamed my family, especially my Dad, for a lot of my insecurities. He is a very conservative man and was a really hard-line kind of parent. I've reached a point now where I have a lot of respect for him and his strength of opinion. Even though I don't agree with him on a lot of issues, somehow I've moved from a rebellious and hateful sentiment to a much softer attitude. Of course, it helps that he is elderly and no longer sits in any kind of authority position over me.
Anyhow, a little while ago my partner and I attended a 25-year reunion at my old school. I had attended the 10-year reunion but had missed the 20-year dinner because I was sick, so this 25-year dinner was the first time I had seen some of my old schoolmates for 15 years and, in some cases, 25 years. The whole experience was stressful and kind of uncomfortable but amazingly enlightening and cleansing!
As I said, I went through a long period of blaming my father for all sorts of things. But for some reason I had not stopped to consider just how difficult my experience at school was and just how intensely my schooling had contributed to my personality. At the reunion I noticed how many of the boys (I went to an all-boys school) had kept in touch with their friends over the last 25 years. Some of them actually still see each other regularly and do a lot of things socially together. I also noticed how roughly they spoke, how their humour was coarse and "blokey", and how their culture almost completely excluded women. I have gone to university twice since leaving school and both my degrees, as well as all of my jobs, have been in environments where women are more numerous than men. I am now well and truly used to mixing with people who discuss political issues, talk about their feelings, go to classical music concerts, etc. All of a sudden I was back with the peer group from my school years and the conversation once again revolved around making fun of other people, making lots of money, being in a position of power, sport, and all those things that are stereotypically associated with the male.
I did not feel at all comfortable for the entire evening. And that made me realise that, for a lot of the time during the 1970s when I was at school, I was uncomfortable and felt like an outsider. Of course back then Australia was a considerably less progressive country, too, so my school experiences also included intense homophobia, including violence, and a strong pressure to remain closeted. As soon as I hit the tolerant turf of university, of course, all those pressures flew away and I started mixing with people with similar interests to mine, people who were perfectly tolerant and for whom homosexuality was a non-issue.
What I came to realise was just how alienating a lot of my experiences at school had been. Somehow, in the years since then, I have been able to isolate a whole raft of issues in my life that have had positive and negative influences on me, but I have managed to ignore - or at least minimise in my own mind - the effect of my experiences at school.
I am quite confident that if I went to a reunion at any of my primary schools, the reunion would not be very intense at all. This is because the really difficult, formative years, the ones during which we feel a very powerful need to belong, are the adolescent years, the years at secondary school. It really does make me realise how important it is to treat teenagers carefully - especially gay kids in intolerant cultures. Not just for their current wellbeing but also so that they can enter adulthood feeling positive about themselves and the world they live in, rather than feeling isolated, or hated, or dirty, or weird.
If you are a young person going through a tough time, the one thing I can tell you is that it is not going to be like that forever. You don't have a lot of control over your life while you're living with your parents and going to school. But the time will come, soon enough, when you can start exercising some control. And if you happen to live in a hick town where being openly gay is just not possible, I suspect it will be worth considering moving away once you have the chance. In retrospect, I think it's just not worth the stress on your self-esteem of hanging around in badly negative environments.
That's my experience, at least. But perhaps others who have stronger personalities would say it's better for you to "stick it out" and fight to change things...
For many years I've been someone who suffers physically with stress symptoms. I think medical science would diagnose me as having some sort of depressive "issues" but I wouldn't describe myself as feeling sad. I do, however, have to deal with typical stress manifestations like palpitations, shakiness, stomach upsets, migraines and so on. In certain situations I am a very confident and comfortable person, but in lots of situations I feel shy, nervous and "just plain different". I consider myself to be a thoughtful, insightful individual who has a pretty good understanding of why I behave like I do and what influences have gone towards making me the person I am today. I went through a long period in which I blamed my family, especially my Dad, for a lot of my insecurities. He is a very conservative man and was a really hard-line kind of parent. I've reached a point now where I have a lot of respect for him and his strength of opinion. Even though I don't agree with him on a lot of issues, somehow I've moved from a rebellious and hateful sentiment to a much softer attitude. Of course, it helps that he is elderly and no longer sits in any kind of authority position over me.
Anyhow, a little while ago my partner and I attended a 25-year reunion at my old school. I had attended the 10-year reunion but had missed the 20-year dinner because I was sick, so this 25-year dinner was the first time I had seen some of my old schoolmates for 15 years and, in some cases, 25 years. The whole experience was stressful and kind of uncomfortable but amazingly enlightening and cleansing!
As I said, I went through a long period of blaming my father for all sorts of things. But for some reason I had not stopped to consider just how difficult my experience at school was and just how intensely my schooling had contributed to my personality. At the reunion I noticed how many of the boys (I went to an all-boys school) had kept in touch with their friends over the last 25 years. Some of them actually still see each other regularly and do a lot of things socially together. I also noticed how roughly they spoke, how their humour was coarse and "blokey", and how their culture almost completely excluded women. I have gone to university twice since leaving school and both my degrees, as well as all of my jobs, have been in environments where women are more numerous than men. I am now well and truly used to mixing with people who discuss political issues, talk about their feelings, go to classical music concerts, etc. All of a sudden I was back with the peer group from my school years and the conversation once again revolved around making fun of other people, making lots of money, being in a position of power, sport, and all those things that are stereotypically associated with the male.
I did not feel at all comfortable for the entire evening. And that made me realise that, for a lot of the time during the 1970s when I was at school, I was uncomfortable and felt like an outsider. Of course back then Australia was a considerably less progressive country, too, so my school experiences also included intense homophobia, including violence, and a strong pressure to remain closeted. As soon as I hit the tolerant turf of university, of course, all those pressures flew away and I started mixing with people with similar interests to mine, people who were perfectly tolerant and for whom homosexuality was a non-issue.
What I came to realise was just how alienating a lot of my experiences at school had been. Somehow, in the years since then, I have been able to isolate a whole raft of issues in my life that have had positive and negative influences on me, but I have managed to ignore - or at least minimise in my own mind - the effect of my experiences at school.
I am quite confident that if I went to a reunion at any of my primary schools, the reunion would not be very intense at all. This is because the really difficult, formative years, the ones during which we feel a very powerful need to belong, are the adolescent years, the years at secondary school. It really does make me realise how important it is to treat teenagers carefully - especially gay kids in intolerant cultures. Not just for their current wellbeing but also so that they can enter adulthood feeling positive about themselves and the world they live in, rather than feeling isolated, or hated, or dirty, or weird.
If you are a young person going through a tough time, the one thing I can tell you is that it is not going to be like that forever. You don't have a lot of control over your life while you're living with your parents and going to school. But the time will come, soon enough, when you can start exercising some control. And if you happen to live in a hick town where being openly gay is just not possible, I suspect it will be worth considering moving away once you have the chance. In retrospect, I think it's just not worth the stress on your self-esteem of hanging around in badly negative environments.
That's my experience, at least. But perhaps others who have stronger personalities would say it's better for you to "stick it out" and fight to change things...
