Teenager Confidence ?

[KennyD]

Well ... as I posted prior .. I was not going to tell . I just wanted some re assurance that , I guess , that this was the right step to take .
I talked with him today . He talked about his bedroom does not have a door on it and how it makes him uncomfortable when he needs to masturbate etc .... I told him to tell them that for his birthday , he wants a door on the bedroom. I can't see why his dad could not figure that one out ...
NO; I'm not going to violate my own ethics as a pastor or counselor and squeal on the boy ... IF I am ever confronted by the parents, I will deal with it then ..
I think back when I was a teen and how much I would have loved to have had someone to turn to and discuss my sexuality with .. to be assured that I wasn't a piece of junk to be used and abused by the older kids .. etc ...
So; His secret is SAFE with me .. However; I did warn him of talking too much around the wrong people ... and he said he does have to watch that as he does have a big mouth on him for the most part ... lol ...
Thanks again guys .. Your reassurance is just what I needed !!

 

[Riverrick]

You're doing a splendid job KennyD!

 

[KennyD]

^ Thank You .. I appreciate it !!

 

[luminum]

Ugh, that 'taking the door off your kids' room thing is so innovative yet so wrong...

 

[trawler69]

Oh how I wish I had had somebody like you I could have talked to at that age. If I had then my life now could be so much happier. Please continue to be there for this kid as I know you will.

 

[Just_Believe18]

KennyD, you are doing nothing wrong and I commend you for being a role model and mentor to the kid.

 

[Xenothab]

Tbh, the best would be to tell the kid what you want to tell the parents, you said yourself you wanna guide him, and he seems like a smart enough kid to listen.

 

[bendyjoe]

In the UK, you would be breaking the law if you didn't report it. Whether thats right or wrong is another matter, but its a child protection issue. Dunno about in the states, though.

 

[bendyjoe]

But, as someone who works in a similar profession over here, I understand the situation you are in. How can you be trusted by the kid if you tell the parents about it? It sucks, really.

 

[KennyD]

BIG Problem telling the Parents !!! They are SO Homophobic ... constantly use the words like "Faggot" 'n "Queers" ....
They are NOT aware of my sexuality and have known me for YEARS .... The young man is very perceptive and told me he knew my sexual orientation and that we should go to lunch ... like I said; that is where we talk over things ... then we get to lunch and he annnounces his own sexual identity as BI ; but leaning towards guys more ...
I've explained to him that I do not like lables and that I've always told folks I was a "Sexual Being" ... Period . Actually; he LOVED that thought/idea so that is what he and his "Friend" are now saying when they are ask anything .... He like the Kinsey theory of sexuality and says it fits his beliefs best .
I'll be staying and looking after him and his brother for a week or so in May ... BUT; I'm sure we are going to have lots of talks and lunches-dinners because he says that he and I share a common bond and he does not have to be afraid to tell me his secrets ...
So; I will keep his secret (s) .. come hell or high water ... and let the chips fall where they may IF anything is ever made of this situation ... BUT; I just CANNOT let myself betray his trust ..

 

[Soilwork]

OH man.. I'm going to get grilled for this..

Kenny.. it's ok for you to stay half in the closet.. but I'm not sure how wise it is to cousel him to do it.

All this "I don't like labels" and "I'm a sexual being" crap is just not healthy.. To me it's just teaching him how to be coy and use code words and doule-speak. if he's gay, let him go through that period of calling himself bi like 90% of gay men do and then come out.. don't give him that cop out.

 

[BiGuy8705]

I may not be as experienced as some in the subject matter, but I think he handled the situation perfectly and I like the idea of "sexual being", especially at that age, where he may not even end up being gay....

 

[JackFTwist]

soil is right -

I also am a pastor and would never ever dream of breaking confidence. I share soilwork's concern for teaching the kid to be in the closet. I am also not about to tell a 14 year old to announce his sexuality - he is the the time of life when he has perhaps determined it, perhaps not, it is a time for experimentation and trying things out to see what is true to one's self. And the integrity of being true to one's self is what I would encourage.

I have purchased condoms for teens who I knew were going to fuck around because they had confided in me. (I tell them the first rule of sex is not until married, the second rule is if you break rule 1, practice safe sex.) And I have spent times with parents who went to pieces when they found out their kids were having sex - usually I am there to prevent the kid from being berated.

When my sons were 14, if they were having sex, I would have rejoiced had they had a trusted adult with whom they could speak. Now that the grandson is 12, the wish is the same. I'd hope to be that person, but if not me, then I hope there is someone he could talk to.

If the parents discover you knew and didn't break confidence and get pissed, so be it. We who have the priviledge of confidence don't have it to hear good stories - there may just be a cost associated with it. If you would be afraid of losing the parents' friendship, and I don't perceive you feel that, right on, then you can't talk to the kid anymore and you have to explain why, and continue to keep confidence.

Soilwork is right that a lot of kids have sex at 14. This kid has his reasons for wanting to tell you - time may reveal what that is.

Now as for you being in the closet, been there and done that and it is no damn good. I lost a precious job and a whole lot more to be out of the closet, but have found a new life in a congregation where I am totally out and it sure is freeing and liberating. You got to do what you got to do, and I am not sure what you are looking for - there is not even a question of keeping the kid's confidence, you have to - so why did you get a discussion going on a no-brainer? What is it you are looking for?

You know you are playing with potential fire in being a closeted gay and having a bi or gay boy talking to you about sex. That is one reason that I am glad that I am out - when parents trust me with their kids for whatever, there is no question that they are secure in my integrity and they trust me, they know I am not going to hit on their sons. (I am death on clergy who abuse kids.) That you are not out raises a certain risk level that you need to be careful with. Maybe I am full of shit here, you tell me.

 

[backpacker]

Kenny,

Good job on helping the kid out and keeping his information confidential. I would put out a word of caution on spending too much alone time with the kid. You may be setting yourself for a big problem even if all your meeting are completely innocent. I would do most the talking by phone or involve one of your friends when you meet the kid. You just never know what type of accusations the parents could make when they find out their son is gay. Also, the kid may have a crush on you, which could explain why he is confiding in you. Help the kid out, but CYA.

 

[texan_slant]

I agree with mostly everyone here.

Someone has placed trust in you and it's up to you to keep that trust, though, at the same time, I'd be cautious in your interactions with him - being as how his parents feel about homosexuality, you might be blind-sighted if HE ends up breaking your trust - and outing you in the process. I'm not saying that this is going to happen, but you never know, and that wouldn't be good...

 

[jockboy01]

As to the teaching him to remain in the closet idea, I'm not sure that is what he is doing. Ultimately, I think the goal is not to lead him in one direction or another but to be a sounding board and just be there for him. He'll figure it all out on his own and make his own decisions about how he defines his sexuality.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Kenny,

Mate... you have the chance to mold and shape someone here... its a great responsibility and from what I can tell this guy has made a great choice in you as a confidant and friend.

Keeping his confidence is not only the right thing to do, it gives you the ultimate credibility to help him deal with all the issues that will come up as he deals with his sexuality and what it will mean when the novelty of this fun wears off. You'll be best placed to share with him your wisdom and your experiences... good and bad.

You've given him the greatest gift he could as for - trust and respect...and as a 14 year old I'm sure he feels he doesn't get that too often...especially with regards this issue from his parents.

Just don't judge him or push him in any one direction or another. Even though hes 14 (and yeah in an ideal world maybe too young for all this) hes smart enough to know that he needs someone to talk too. He's already doing what hes doing...so throwing the baby out with the bath water proves nothing... except loses his trust.

Help him, balance him, guide him...and explain to him the choices and consequences of his actions. Just be the guy we all wished we had in our lives when we were dealing with this...

Hes made the right choice in you Kenny.