tell potential future boyfriends that I sleep with my roomate while single?

[jdoe4822]

I may be needing a roomate in the near future, and the two likeliest candidates are both gay guys that I am friends with, but also have slept with, and to varying degrees, continue to sleep with (one currently has a boyfriend so we've stopped for the time being). If I was to move in with either of these guys, I would expect the sex would continue as long as we were both single. I believe in monogamy, and would set clear boundaries and rules with the roommate to ensure things stay chaste should either of us start dating someone. My question is if/when I got a boyfriend, he has a right to know that my roomate and I were likely fucking right up until he and I officially became boyfriends and came to an agreement that we would be monogamous. I feel like I should tell him only because he'd be likely to find out anyway. Thanks for the advice.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Your profile says you are partnered. Are you not anymore?

This is a problem. You are choosing to enter in a roommate situation that leaves the option open for sex. That is complicated as both parties could be in varying forms of a relationship over the course of living together. This invites a lot of potential for drama. You may feel in control of your feelings and lust, but your roommate may not have the same restraint. Or, his potential boyfriend or your potential boyfriend may feel incredibly jealous over the situation of being in such close proximity to a fuck buddy roommate. If I was your boyfriend, it would make it very difficult for me to trust your living situation and would definitely strain the relationship.

I believe you are doing the right thing to being honest. Always be honest. However, honesty does not cover up the fact of making a willing decision to live with someone you're having sex with in addition to the financial benefit of residency.

 

[bankside]

What does monogamy mean to you?

 

[rareboy]

Yes, you should tell.

 

[jdoe4822]

sorry hadn't been on here in a while. yes I'm single now; fixed that on my profile. As far as what monogamy means, that means total sexual as well as emotional fidelity to one person. I realize some people have open relationship and that's fine, I'm not here to judge that at all, it's just not for me. As far as complicating things emotionally go, I have considered and pursued relationships with both of these guys in the past to varying degrees and it didn't or we figured it wouldn't work, and we both knew and agreed that. In both cases, the two of us determined we would do better as friends and occasional to regular fuck buds. One is in a relationship right now and it has not complicated our friendship, we just don't sleep together anymore or put ourselves in situations where that could potentially happen.

 

[bankside]

Thank you. I'm not here to judge either (well, not about this anyway…hah!) but I still have questions. I always figured if I was emotionally & ethically okay with random roommate sex or fuck buds then monogamy would not be so important to me in a relationship. If sex can be either emotional or just for fun, then to me it seems obvious that a couple should be able to have a three-way once in a while. Since you're okay with the casual side and the relationship side as long as they are separate, why not just invite the roommate to join you and the boyfriend once in a while? (honest question)

 

[Rolyo85]

I absolutely understand the concept of casual sex all over the place while single, and total fidelity when in a relationship. It's how I am too.

That said, I don't really see an easy solution. One way is to lie to a potential boyfriend that nothing has ever happened between you and your roommate, but that is not gonna work. The other is to lie that it has, but it doesn't anymore, but you better make sure it is true and no "slips" are allowed. Either way, unless you lie to the guy, there is little chance he will stick around to find out how serious you are about monogamy.

 

[Seasoned]

I don't think living in the future is wise. When a boyfriend comes along and it gets serious you might want to move.

 

[KaraBulut]

My question is if/when I got a boyfriend, he has a right to know that my roomate and I were likely fucking right up until he and I officially became boyfriends and came to an agreement that we would be monogamous. I feel like I should tell him only because he'd be likely to find out anyway. Thanks for the advice.

It's always a better idea to control how and when someone finds out something. And always assume that if you don't tell them, they're going to find out from someone else and it will be even worse than if you had just told them to begin with.

With that said...

There are occasions when there are threads in the forum where the situation just sounds too complicated. Roommates are fine. Fuckbuddies are fine. Snugglebuddies are fine. Having a roommate / fuckbuddy / snugglebuddy is complicated enough but to have a boyfriend trust that you're monogamous while trying to understand why you are still living with a roommate who was a fuckbuddy... well, that's getting into the realm of probably too complicated.

 

[eastofeden]

I think you should tell him because there is a good chance it won't be pretty if he finds out on his own.

Of course...if you want to find a mate who is not jealous or possessive in any way..this would be a great way to find out really quick versus having it be a surprise much later.

 

[jdoe4822]

I have had 3 some before and they were fun, but ultimately I find the idea of knowing that I'm the only one that gets to be with a particular guy very appealing...can't explain why, but just me. I've noticed when I've been with my boyfriends, I lose interest in being with others as well. I've never been in a years long relationship so who knows, maybe things will get borring at some point and I'll need to spice it up, but that's pure speculation.

I am very good at setting up boundaries when they need to be put up. If need be, I would set a very strict "no visting each other in our bedrooms even if just for casual conversation rule" if that's what needed to happen to keep things chaste.

There has been mutual romantic interest with both of these guys before, and in one case we did date for a couple weeks, but with both guys there was mutual agreement that a relationship won't work for various reasons, but we've got shared interests and hobbies so we work fine as friends. That much I have no issue disclosing. I'm a very honest person and a horrible liar, but if things don't need to be said or shared I won't. I wouldn't want to make my boyfriend uncomfortable knowing something he didn't want to know just as much as I wouldn't want him to feel like I violated his trust by not divulging something he had a right to know.

My choice of these two guys is purely a financial and convenience issue. I already sleep with the one that's single, and would with the one in a relationship if he was single as well, even though we don't currently share a residence (and in one case live 30 miles and 45 minutes apart). Any future boyfriends will end up meeting both of them and need to be able to socialize with them anyway since we are friends (not just in the facebook sense of the word but in the actual hang out and do shit sense of the word), and I'm not gonna give them up. I have a very unstable situation at home with my family right now and may have to move out on short notice. If that happens anytime soon (before around June, when another prospective roomate's current lease is up), these two guys are the only friends that would be available that I know well enough to consider living with and have expressed a mutual openness to that sort of arrangement.

 

[ElmosToe]

Hey Jdoe,

I'm curious (shameless pun), how has your situation come along since you last posted? You living with your two potential roommates now?
What was going on with your unstable situation?
Would you also be willing to share how you became single as you mention you were previously partnered? What happened to that relationship?

Feel free to PM me if you're not comfortable answering here.

 

[jdoe4822]

I ended up staying at home. The situation was that I had been living with my grandparents, and in January, my grandmother, due to deteriorating mental and physical health, was put in a nursing home, and it hit my grandfather very hard (they had been married 59 years). He was becoming extremely difficult to live with, and was hinting that he wanted me to move out. In April, my grandmother passed away and things have become a lot calmer at home. I'm still actively looking to move out, but there's no potential for a last minute need, and my goal now is to buy my own place.

As far as the last relationship goes, it was a mutual decision that we weren't a good match for each other. only were together a few months.

 

[ElmosToe]

Hey man,

Thanks Jdoe for responding on that.

Buying a house is always best, especially if it's cheaper than renting.
Sucks about that relationship thing though.