Telling someone they're too hot for you?

[Telstra]

from experience,
if you don't want to meet face to face, just DON'T reply.

The reply "No thanks" is stupid and time waster.

 

[No1spcl]

@Kyanimal Sadly for me that saying about regrets is the complete opposite. Nothing good ever comes from stepping outside my comfort zone.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Eh, the low self esteem thing has always been a part of me so I'm used to it, though it's gotten much worse since my last ltr ended badly three years ago. Knowing my limitations though is managing it for myself as best I can. No self delusions here that I'm anything better than what shows up in the mirror.
When I can't avoid someone like the waiter in person I just try to stay in the background, avoid eye contact by staring at the floor or whatever, and avoid speaking unless a reply is unavoidable, otherwise it's like trying to get through a panic attack.

Anyway, smile guy hasn't messaged me, so I'm hoping that problem has moved on to flashing his pics to someone else.

You should really work on this issue. I thought it was peculiar answering someone that they are "out of your league". It is one thing to not feel attraction towards someone who is goodlooking (although by definition they wouldn't be goodlooking to you if you are not attracted to them), but completely another to feel like you are not worthy of his presence.

Can you not clearly see how this self esteem issue is making your life more difficult than it has to be? I know it sounds cheesy but things on the inside matter EXPONENTIALLY more than what is on the outside. I think your anxiety and self esteem would be in a better place if you focused on being a bit less superficial. No stranger's appearance should have this much effect on your self esteem. You need to build self confidence.

Also, to answer the post, I don't think you should ever say to someone is too hot for you. It just comes off as a bit dismissive. Just say you are not my type and move on.

 

[No1spcl]

It doesn't bother me because being like this is all I know, it's just how its always been, I wouldn't know how to be any different.

Ideally what's inside would matter first, but when everything (your app pic, your look on first meetings, etc) is based on how you look, what's inside seems to come into play last.

 

[sixthson]

It doesn't bother me because being like this is all I know, it's just how its always been, I wouldn't know how to be any different.

Ideally what's inside would matter first, but when everything (your app pic, your look on first meetings, etc) is based on how you look, what's inside seems to come into play last.

What's inside doesn't come last or at least it shouldn't, but you can't avoid first impressions which are usually the eternal. You see someone, you either like what you see or don't. In your case, you like what you see, but reject them because they are superior to you...in looks. When you reject them off hand, as you do, you never get to see what they have on the inside. They might be even more beautiful and attractive on the inside than the outside. Which, by the way, might surprise you to be true about you, too.

You have made up your mind about other guys and yourself, so there really is no point saying more.

 

[sixthson]

Oops, that should be external not eternal.

 

[thuperdupe]

I know exactly how you feel! I always feel awkward when someone hotter than me messages me. I feel flattered but also terrified because I know I'd just be in my head the whole time if we did anything. It's such a weird, crippling anxiety, but I totally understand.

The only time I don't mind going for someone hotter than me is when they're an entirely different type than I am... bigger, older, hairier, more muscular, smaller, younger, thinner... whatever, as long as it's different than me. If it's somebody who is my type, but basically just the perfect version of my type, then I think "Wow. Why can't I be like that? Ugh. He's probably thinking I'm a total slob," instead of thinking, "Wow, this guy is into me! He must be into guys that are like me."

It's so stupid and materialistic. It's easier said than done, but we should just appreciate the fact that if someone is interested in us, there's no need to question it. There's a lot more to attraction than just perfect porn-star looks.

 

[thuperdupe]

from experience,
if you don't want to meet face to face, just DON'T reply.

The reply "No thanks" is stupid and time waster.

I dunno. I like an honest, cordial answer. It hurts a bit more, but it makes it much more final. You don't end up waiting for a reply. Likewise, when I don't reply to people I usually end up getting the whole:

"Hey"
"hey"
"hey"
"hey whats up"
"hey u there"
"hey"
"hey"

Until I finally say I'm not interested. But everyone has their preferences. I don't even block people unless they're being rude. Just my thing.

 

[offthewall14420]

Ideally what's inside would matter first, but when everything (your app pic, your look on first meetings, etc) is based on how you look, what's inside seems to come into play last.

This is true, but it's instinctive and nothing that will go away soon.

Just a thought exercise..... what if you gave up all control and just let them be a dom? Does that make you feel more comfortable?

 

[offthewall14420]

If there's more than two 'heys' they're on meth or unstable.

Don't be nice about it. Tell them bluntly, "you're not my type."

 

[No1spcl]

@Offthewall I'm generally more on the submissive/passive side anyway, but I'm not a real fan of the dom/sub roleplay type stuff.

I don't think Anything at all would really help my being comfortable around hot guys.

 

[TX-Beau]

SO, you're only comfortable around ugly guys to whom you feel absolutely no attraction? I've met plenty of guys who are attracted to guys who are non-standard "hot" guys, but to them those guys WERE hot - even if the majority didn't agree.

So I have to interpret what you are saying as that you are intimidated by guys who are conventionally hot, since if you are going to reject all guys you find attractive that is your personal psychological issue and has nothing to do with them - whomever that might be.

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Also, if nothing is going to help, then you are just doomed and there is no point discussing it.

 

[offthewall14420]

SO, you're only comfortable around ugly guys to whom you feel absolutely no attraction? I've met plenty of guys who are attracted to guys who are non-standard "hot" guys, but to them those guys WERE hot - even if the majority didn't agree.

So I have to interpret what you are saying as that you are intimidated by guys who are conventionally hot, since if you are going to reject all guys you find attractive that is your personal psychological issue and has nothing to do with them - whomever that might be.

- - - Updated - - -

Also, if nothing is going to help, then you are just doomed and there is no point discussing it.

Well talking can help without him initially realizing it. That's what therapy is.

How does that make you feel No1Spcl?

 

[No1spcl]

@Tx. What's there to interpret? I thought I wrote things plainly enough, no secret meanings in anything I've said that needs to be decifered or misconstrued.

Yes, I do only go with guys that fall into my comfort zone. Average enough that I'm not intimidated by them and can still be intimate with without thinking "gross". Do I find them "hot"? No, not really. And I'm sure they'd say the same about me. I wouldn't call myself or anyone I've ever dated any better than average. That's not to say they weren't great people, most were.

I know it has nothing to do with the actual hot guys themselves. I know it's on me, but I didn't ask everyone for psychoanalysis, I'm just answering replies from people here who took actual time out their day to write those replies, it's being courteous. I am glad to see there's at least one or two guys out there with similar issues though.

I'm not looking to fix anything other than what my original post days. Not offending anyone, which apparently can't be done.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK number one, if you are going to go on a public board and ask strangers for their opinions, don't act surprised when you get them.

Second, your original post is not clear - on the surface it sound a lot like you "complaining" that all the hot guys are after you. It's one thing to be intimidated by that hot muscle guy pretty boy at the gym, it's another thing entirely to only have sex with people to whom you have no attraction because you reject anything that interests you.

Humble bragging or mental issue?

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh yeah, I don't see why some random net personas are causing you such distress that you'd make a thread about it, you said what you said, they said what they said - end of story, if you want a different reaction than the one you got, next time say something different - as has already been advised.

 

[eastofeden]

Hmmmm....I stayed out of this one on purpose but now I am wondering one thing...how do you define "hot guys"?

...and since you define "hot guys"...I guess you also define "not so hot guys" ...and does that group include everyone else?... or are there other levels of attainment?.....

Also..is your definition of "hot" based solely on your subjective opinion of their appearance?

The reason I ask...in order for me to find a guy sexy..I need to see the whole package...personality, vibe, politics, ect ect....or at least get a sense of it....and my opinion can change based mostly on his personality...not his appearance so much....

 

[No1spcl]

Hostile much TX? Apparently I'm not the only one with mental issues if you think that my original post was bragging, or contained any kind of hidden meaning. No one else that took the time to reply had any problem grasping it's clarity, just you. It was meant exactly as it was written. I didn't understand why I was getting such negative responses from both men when my declining was polite, or what I thought was polite. Simple as that.

 

[No1spcl]

@eastofeden Using apps like I mentioned to another poster is mainly based on pictures, with a tiny bio if you want to write one up, which some don't, and some only put sexual info. Personality, vibe, politics, etc are generally nonexistent, so the only info to go on at first are the pictures (usually face, shirtless, or nude) and user name. Seeing the whole package on these apps doesn't really happen until you meet in person, or message back and forth a bit.

So yeah, your judging based on pictures, a username, and short texts back and forth.

Hot guys, my definition I guess, is probably what most would consider hot. The gym body, handsome face. The buff/toned guys that you would see dancing shirtless at a typical nightclub. Then there's above average guys, the ones that are still good looking and take care of themselves. Average, lower average (where I consider myself), below average, etc. I don't think my views on who's hot\average\ugly are any different than the general population. Age doesn't really play a part, other than I wouldn't date anyone younger than myself, or older than my parents.

 

[TX-Beau]

Hostile much TX? Apparently I'm not the only one with mental issues if you think that my original post was bragging, or contained any kind of hidden meaning. No one else that took the time to reply had any problem grasping it's clarity, just you. It was meant exactly as it was written. I didn't understand why I was getting such negative responses from both men when my declining was polite, or what I thought was polite. Simple as that.

Actually you've gotten several different suggestions as to approach and several different speculations about what the issue is. My being 'hostile" or not is utterly immaterial to anything as this issue only means something to you.

So far, all you've done is given push back to the people who have suggested a course of action - so that makes people think that there is something more going on, since, the obvious answer that you've been given several times, is to change your comments if you want different answers, and to ignore the people who find you insulting.