I think it's totally normal for you to have--I sense--the inner conflict you're experiencing. Perhaps it will help you to hear that with some men, an age difference like that is totally OK. For me it totally happened by accident.
My gay desires exploded out of my unconscious mind when, at 30, I was "safely" thousands of miles away from home on a 5 month road trip after a woman, whom I thought I was going to marry, broke up with me and broke my heart. That started 21 years of anonymously sucking hundreds of cocks in gay sex venues like bathhouses. But the real life version of my gay fantasies and desires never really reflected the intimacy with men I was hoping for. I always fantasized about having everything with another man, oral and anal sex as well as romance and love, but whenever I was naked in front of a guy, all the desire I entered the venue with would drain out of me. I still had oral sex with guys out of kindness, but the desire was not there. But at home it always came rushing back, which would eventually drive me out looking for the real thing, only to disappoint myself again and again.
Then, at 51, in 2013, I was again thousands of miles from my home, overseas, in a gay bathhouse, when the desire for the 20 year old twink in front of me did not leave me, but exploded into uncontrollable lust for his body and ass. I finally lost my gay virginity with this man--yes, a very young man--in what was the greatest sexual experience of my life. I had never felt more intimate and connected with another person than when I was deep inside of his ass. It finally allowed me to not only accept the gay part of my bisexuality, but to love it. It was that experience that made me feel whole like I'd never felt before.
From then on I stopped all anonymous sex and instead always got together with local guys of all ages in each other's homes, for both oral and/or anal play, and I had incredible desire for most of them throughout our lovemaking. That 20 year old boy, with his youth and incredibly cute body, was clearly what I needed to break out of whatever cage I had put myself into when it came to gay love.
I'm not saying this could be your experience, or that you should open yourself up to the possibility. Your situation is unique to you. But I just wanted you to read about a positive experience someone had when there was a huge age gap. I've only had sex with one other guy in his 20s (he was 25) since then, but that was a more mixed experience for me (e.g. I was not a fan of the young hip-hop music that he wanted to have blasting while we were having sex, which caused me to have ED problems while trying to penetrate his ass, though my tongue had no such problems, lol). Though in general I prefer guys closer to my own age, especially because I'm looking for more friends with benefits or even love relationships, and so with someone that I have more in common with, I wouldn't say no to another man in his 20s, because a beautiful, intimate connection can still happen.
Now, at 62, I'm living as a gay man, having realized that I've pretty much been 95% gay my whole life, but just allowed my internalized homophobia to prevent me from accepting it. That was certainly what was at play with all that cognitive dissonance I experienced for those first 21 years. And I'm now so happy with my homosexuality. And to be honest, I have that blessed encounter in 2013 with that guy 31 years my junior to thank. He's the one that was the catalyst to beginning to open my heart to my truth.