Terrified about HIV...

[HiThere7654321]

Hi guys.
I am bisexual, although I do not engage in much sexual activity with men.
About a year and a half ago I did receive oral sex from a man who later told me he was HIV-positive. I was so scared for a long time but luckily all tests came back showing that I was negative.
Now, however, I am afraid to do anything sexual with anyone and it has serverely hindered my sex life. I've barely done anything since that experience.
Now, a couple of days ago, I was with a guy and we engaged in body contact, jerked each other off a little, fingered each other's anus (although that was through our underwear which we had on at the time), and that was about it. There was no oral or anal sex.
I thought I was being safe and not really "doing anything risky" but now I find myself terrified again and worrying about HIV.
I think maybe my guilt and regret about what I did (since I didn't know the guy very well) are making me fear that I could have gotten HIV. At least I hope it's that and not that I really did put myself at risk.
So I have a few questions:
1. Do you think I did anything to put myself at risk for transmission?
2. Has anyone else had a similar experience where they had a "scare" and then were terrified about sex and couldn't even do anything sexual as a result?

Any information or advice would be greatly appreciated.
And please if you can try not to reply with remarks about my ignorance - I know I have an anxiety issue and might not be thinking "rationally," but it's a real problem for me.
Thanks guys.

 

[Orlandude]

1. No
2. No, because if I do anything that may pose a high risk, I use a condom, which is what you should be doing.

Understand that hiv transmission is based upon blood to semen contact. That is how it spreads. That is why unprotected anal sex involving penetration is very high risk. Based on what you have told us, fingering is not anal sex. Oral sex CAN pose risk if there are any sores in the mouth or one had recent dental work that has not yet healed. Again, when in doubt, use a condom.

There is some risk in all forms of sex as there are many STD's out there. You have to decide what is an "acceptable risk" for you. If there are no acceptable risks, then use a condom for everything, bearing in mind that a condom is about 85% effective. There is still that 15% but it's better protection than no protection at all.

You can go to the following free website that is the authority on everything HIV and will flatly tell you the risk of various forms of sex based on current medical findings.

www.aegis.com

 

[switchboyad]

Well, I have more or less the same problem ( a little big one, no matters) because I was drunk and I kiss a friernd who likes me, just a little kiss, and he had a injure on his mouth by a broken glass, well somedays later he told me: "I think, you should know: I have HIV., my last partner had a affair and he passed to me..." First, I were sad by him, then when I thought it well, i could have HIV....!!!! But I were negative, and after all I couldn't do anything else with guys, (few kisses, it was i had done before this...) Well, sorry about your story, I can't help you, but I hope that my story make you feel that you're not ignorant or something like this, just you have conscience, that´s all, I think!!!

 

[HiThere7654321]

Thanks, Orlandude.
Of course if I were to engage in other forms of sex I would use a condom.
The truth is I don't have anal (or even oral) sex with men, and I ALWAYS use a condom for sex with women.
This experience just really shook me up. Maybe - hopefully - it is just my guilt and discomfort with having done this with a guy I barely knew, but I don't know how to get passed that either. Feelings like that can really get to you.

 

[HiThere7654321]

Thank you, switchboyad - That was nice of you to say.

 

[WYSIWYG]

Hmmm, if your not having anal or oral sex with a guy why do u say your bi???

Orlandude is right on everything he said! A year and a half has gone by for you, and I think you should consider letting this event disappear. I know it is hard since you had indicated your anxiety issues over this.

Life is too short and beautiful to let this one incident make you a lesser person! Go out and enjoy your life and make positive things happen for you. Best of luck to you!

 

[luminum]

I'd say another good thing to help you out is to take a one-day STD seminar. A lot of medical places and clinics offer educational services, such as one-day seminars that inform you about a subject such as HIV/AIDS or STDs in general. That way, you can KNOW what risk you're putting yourself in, and you won't have to freak out every time you do something with someone.

Plus, if you encounter someone who's also freaking out, you can give themt he info or help them get educated, too! Knowledge is power!

 

[Raven03]

Thanks, Orlandude.
Of course if I were to engage in other forms of sex I would use a condom.
The truth is I don't have anal (or even oral) sex with men, and I ALWAYS use a condom for sex with women.
This experience just really shook me up. Maybe - hopefully - it is just my guilt and discomfort with having done this with a guy I barely knew, but I don't know how to get passed that either. Feelings like that can really get to you.

What you did wasn't risky however you should learn more about STD's. The more you know the less afraid you will be and know how to protect yourself. Sex isn't something that should be feared but enjoyed.

 

[PimpinNYC]

Thanks, Orlandude.
Of course if I were to engage in other forms of sex I would use a condom.
The truth is I don't have anal (or even oral) sex with men, and I ALWAYS use a condom for sex with women.
This experience just really shook me up. Maybe - hopefully - it is just my guilt and discomfort with having done this with a guy I barely knew, but I don't know how to get passed that either. Feelings like that can really get to you.

Basically, I agree with what the others have said. It is very important to educate yourself about HIV and other STDs, whether you are having sex with men, women or both.
Check out http://forums.poz.com/index.php, the Am I Infected forum and the lessons would be a good place to start. The more you learn, the easier it should be to deal with whatever sexual choices you make. Hopefully, with knowledge, your anxiety will lessen.
Good Luck and Be Safe!

 

[Horschallen]

Sounds like counseling on a regular basis is necessary in your case.

 

[jockboy01]

I agree with what others have said. You're not at risk based on those behaviors. It is not as easy to catch HIV as you might think. The consequences of doing so are what make you anxious. I agree that education about how it is transmitted is the key.

switchboyad, it is EXTREMELY unlikely that you got it that way. Unless his mouth was actively bleeding (and I mean a decent amount of blood) AND you had open wounds/sores in your mouth, it is a non issue.

 

[Ninja108]

No matter what the gender.. always use a condom and anxiety is normal. Talk to a therapist or someone close yo you about your fears. That will help out a lot

 

[HiThere7654321]

Thanks, guys, for all of the replies and for responding in such a supportive way.
The general feedback from you all and other places I've researched seems to be that the recent activities I engaged in are not risks for HIV transmission.
So, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!! Why can't I just let this experience go?
Like I said I don't have oral or anal sex with men, and rarely fool around with guys at all (I say I'm bisexual but my attractions for women are stronger than for men).
I think I'm feeling a lot of guilt and discomfort about the activity (I hardly knew the guy, or his background (even though he claimed to be nagative but you never know), etc).
I guess I just have to find a way to forgive myself and allow myself the chance to experiment, as long as it's done safely which it seems it was.
I don't know, maybe I'm just a mess. Time will tell.
But I hope I can move on and stop obsessing over this and worrying about HIV and feeling so guilty, etc., because it's a very difficult way to live.

Thanks again everyone.
And of course, more replies are always welcome.....

 

[RicanDAB]

Hithere,

You have not engaged in anything risky from what I read, and I think you know that by now. Here's my story:

Five or six years ago I hooked up with a guy online. During foreplay he decided to rub the tip of his dick on my anus and inadvertently slipped in about 2 inches without a condom. Of course, I then told him he needed to wear one, which he did. I also reciprocated by topping him later with a condom. About a week later on the phone he confessed to being HIV+ and of course I freaked, immediately remembering the moment he entered me briefly. He broke down crying telling me that he knew if he would have told me he was poz that I would not have slept with him. He was then afraid I was going to have him arrested. Never contemplated it mostly due to fear of getting outed (deep in closet back then).

Needless to say I went into nervous breakdown mode and was depressed for a very long time. I did not have sex with anyone else for a year (seriously!) and I finally got up enough courage one day to go and get tested. Thankfully, I was negative and continue to be. I lost contact with that guy and honestly never want to hear from him again for what he put me through.

Since that time, I eventually resumed normal dating and hookups, but I had a very strict rule about condoms. Now I am in a monogamous relationship and we don't use condoms anymore -- but we fully understand and assume the risks in this situation (we have had looong talks about this). We are not in positions to put each other's health on the line and we take all steps to make sure we're open and honest with one another and we get tested regularly. So far it's all great between us (in case you're wondering, my BF does know about this story ... that's part of the honesty you see.)

My point is however ... that once you educate yourself more about HIV transmission and what you need to do to protect yourself, you will feel more at ease to resume sexual activity and enjoy it as you once did. I trust you will get there again as I did.

 

[bluedragon4]

^^^^ like the guy above said. Do something to get over this fear which is beyond a fear and isn't normal. If you are freaking over body rubbing with clothes on than you have a problem. I read so many "scared I got H.I.V." threads on here and each time the fear gets crazier with less contact than the thread before! we would all be dead if you could get the way a lot of people on here think they could get it. And I think it said you were 27. You should know better about how you can and can't catch it. sorry to get rude but it pisses me off about how little A.I.D.s education people on here have had! It's really sad.

 

[HiThere7654321]

bluedragon4, I totally understand what you're saying. However, my problem is that I HAVE HAD extensive HIV training and done A LOT of research on how it is and is not transmitted and I STILL worry about it even when I have not engaged in those activities - that is what my problem is; not that I am ignorant to how transmission typically occurs. (also, our clothes weren't on the whole time, but I also know that jerking each other off and body contact, etc are not considered ways it is transmitted). Just thought maybe I should clarify that.
And thanks for all the posts so far, guys. I really do appreciate it and I'm sure others reading them do as well..........

 

[RicanDAB]

bluedragon4, I totally understand what you're saying. However, my problem is that I HAVE HAD extensive HIV training and done A LOT of research on how it is and is not transmitted and I STILL worry about it even when I have not engaged in those activities - that is what my problem is; not that I am ignorant to how transmission typically occurs. (also, our clothes weren't on the whole time, but I also know that jerking each other off and body contact, etc are not considered ways it is transmitted). Just thought maybe I should clarify that.
And thanks for all the posts so far, guys. I really do appreciate it and I'm sure others reading them do as well..........

After reading your clarification, it's evident that this is something with which we can't really help you. You need to seek the advice of a professional regarding your issues and determine the root of your paranoia.