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That feeling of "missing out"

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orem244

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This post will probably be a little different from most of what comes up in this forum, but I would appreciate any input:

Just for a bit of background, I have been in a very stable, happy, long-term relationship for almost 3 years now. We're very compatible, rarely fight, and pretty much couldn't be happier together. Lately, though I've been giving some thought to how I miss the excitement and spontaneity of dating, given that I've been "off the market" for so long with no end in sight. This is not to say, of course, that I would consider leaving my boyfriend because of these feelings, or that I don't feel extremely lucky to have him... it's more that it sometimes feels like I am missing out on some great life experiences because I found such a great match so quickly after I started dating. And even though it's very possible that me and my boyfriend might not be together forever (though at this point I really can't imagine us breaking up), if we break up 10 years from now, it's not like I would be able to go back to the time when I was 21 years old and pick up where I left off.

Anyway, I was just wondering if any of you had some input on the situation or have been in similar predicaments, and how you dealt with it.

Thanks!
 
At your age it's only natural to have such thoughts. Most guys go through years of experimentation and "playing the field" before they even begin to settle down.

You are definitely the exception, having found a mate at 18. Many of us would have been so lucky.

If you truly love your partner and want the relationship to be lifelong, deal with the issue before it becomes a problem, for you, and the relationship. The fact that you are addressing the issue, wanting to talk it out and deal with it speaks more of your maturity than anything else. He is a lucky man! :)

Some couples in your situation decide to "take a break" and spread their wings. Some get back together, some don't. I can't say if this would be the solution or not.

I think you should have this discussion with your partner also, just to see if he feels the same way, or what his opinion is on the subject.
 
All I can say is that, you're indeed a pretty lucky boy! You've found your soulmate at 18, and by the sounds of it, you've been truthful and faithful all throughout the 3 years - and I would say that is an achievement in itself.

All relationships are built upon trust, honesty and openness. Whatever your feelings are, be honest with each other and I'm sure that will go a long way.

I wish I was in your shoe, but here I am, wishing you and Him and the very best!
 
Your feelings are very natural, and they account for the very natural fact that all human males, even gay ones, feel a primal need to "spread their seed" as much as possible when they are young. I hate to have to say this, but these very natural feelings account for the high incidence of divorce and breakups in young couples, let alone the timeless subject of unfaithfulness. I was in a relationship with someone who was just a few years above legal age when it started that lasted for 10 years, only to see it crumble because he eventually felt he had missed his young adult single life. The relationship I thought would last until "death did us part" succumbed to the accumulation of his thoughts of feeling like he was "missing out". You are very young, and my personal advice is for you to enjoy your life as much as possible without hurting anyone. In time you will learn to value long-term relationships and to develop them through focusing on the non-sexual aspects, which are what make relationships last. All the best!
 
orem244 said:
This post will probably be a little different from most of what comes up in this forum, but I would appreciate any input:

Just for a bit of background, I have been in a very stable, happy, long-term relationship for almost 3 years now. We're very compatible, rarely fight, and pretty much couldn't be happier together. Lately, though I've been giving some thought to how I miss the excitement and spontaneity of dating, given that I've been "off the market" for so long with no end in sight. This is not to say, of course, that I would consider leaving my boyfriend because of these feelings, or that I don't feel extremely lucky to have him... it's more that it sometimes feels like I am missing out on some great life experiences because I found such a great match so quickly after I started dating. And even though it's very possible that me and my boyfriend might not be together forever (though at this point I really can't imagine us breaking up), if we break up 10 years from now, it's not like I would be able to go back to the time when I was 21 years old and pick up where I left off.

Anyway, I was just wondering if any of you had some input on the situation or have been in similar predicaments, and how you dealt with it.

Thanks!
Click to expand...

i so get u! even tho i'm a year older than my bf, he's had a lot more experiences in his life. he's my first bf, the first person i had sex with and it's like that mostly because i was sort of holding myself for that special someone... after i found out he had played the field for a while i sort of felt like i should've done the same... and now i can't! we've been together for a year and a half, i'm 22, he's 21... we've lived together for a year and most people think we're gonna be together forever, we like to think so as well. but yeah i get what u're saying. if it's any better think of it as no matter what if u break up in 10 years u'll still be 31 and that's still sort of young, it's not 21, but it's not 51 so whatever... u can catch up on what u've "missed" then... but honestly i sometimes don't think i've "missed" much more than just pure immediate pleasure... nothing worth the while or life changing.
 
Sometimes in relationships, you can end up doing everything together and kind of settle down. you are young and should be trying new things and find who you are ,maybe you could add some excitement together, take trips, meet other couples who might also be insulated. Don't take it for granted that you will always be together, but if it is important it continually needs work and reevaluation. Think about what you are missing. Is unknown excitement more important than something that can be rare to find? The reality of dating is not always as exciting as you might remember.
 
Your feelings are very natural, and they account for the very natural fact that all human males, even gay ones, feel a primal need to "spread their seed" as much as possible when they are young. I hate to have to say this, but these very natural feelings account for the high incidence of divorce and breakups in young couples, let alone the timeless subject of unfaithfulness.
Click to expand...

Very well said.

Look, you have actually concluded an implicit tradeoff here: You have got a stable, functioning and loving relationship in exchange for the thrill, joy and freedom of being a single, independent guy, who is hunting his men down in metro gay clubs using the advantage of his age & looks. Under present conditions, that's the deal.

Your options are rather limited, if not too bad at all. Address the issue with your friend and debate the idea of an open relationship, that may (or may not) allow you to get the best of both possible words.

Be brutally honest with yourself: where do you really want to go from here? Is your relationship really that fulfilling, if you have that feeling of 'missing out' on something? Was the tradeoff worth it for you after all?

Honesty towards yourself is what you owe to yourself more than anything else.


SC
 
Well, all decisions come with what are called "opportunity costs". If you buy a car, it means you won't have a truck. If you eat chicken for dinner, it mean you won't have the steak. If you head north, it means you won't be heading east. Entering a committed relationship obviously comes with that biggie: you don't get to sleep around.

An open relationship is one way around this, but at the same time, it's perilous unless both participants are COMPLETELY comfortable with it. Do think REALLY long and hard before heading in that direction. Happy committed relationships are not easy to come by, as you've no doubt noticed on this forum. :)

Lex
 
it's the having the cake and eating it too. relationships are not all about sex and new sex, where the hormones rage boiling hot the first few times. but there is so much more
ding
 
Thank you for all the replies so far, I really do appreciate it.

Just as a bit of clarification, as I sort of mentioned in my original post, I really am aware of how lucky I am and wouldn't let these doubts actually come between my boyfriend and I. This has just been something has gone through my head recently, and I was curious to hear people's input and to see if there were other people who had gone through similar situations (and, as I had suspected, there are).

I don't think I would actually bring this up to my boyfriend -- not because I don't feel comfortable communicating these sorts of things, but more because it really isn't a major issue for me (at the moment, at least). Bringing it up would probably just make him feel bad and couldn't really lead to any productive solution since, as many of you have put it, there really is no "good answer" to this kind of thing.
 
I felt the same way with my first bf because he was one of the first guys I ever dated and definitely the first I had strong feelings for. When that happens, one starts to wonder after a while what the green grass on the other side of the fence feels like. Did we miss out on something?

Our relationship developed problems and that is why it broke up. Otherwise I would have just worked through my feelings. But once the relationship started getting shaky, those feelings and thought really gained momentum.

One question? How is your sex life? Could you be desiring more because you guys have gotten comfortable with something mundane? Don't take it for granted.
 
Riverrick said:
One question? How is your sex life? Could you be desiring more because you guys have gotten comfortable with something mundane? Don't take it for granted.
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It's fine... I mean, I'm sure it could be better, but it's really not bad at all, considering how long we've been together. Sex really isn't all that important to me -- I mean, I enjoy it as much as the next guy, but it isn't a huge priority for me. More than sex, I guess these kind of thoughts are more focused on the emotional aspects of dating... the fun of pursuing others and being pursued, meeting new people, discovering new things about them, that sort of thing. The sexual attraction in dating is always there, of course, but that aspect of dating is only a relatively small part of the equation.
 
Have you tried doing spontatneous dating, only with your partner? Like plan things, like a surprise date or night out without him knowing and then surprise him!
 
orem244 said:
Thank you for all the replies so far, I really do appreciate it.

Just as a bit of clarification, as I sort of mentioned in my original post, I really am aware of how lucky I am and wouldn't let these doubts actually come between my boyfriend and I. This has just been something has gone through my head recently, and I was curious to hear people's input and to see if there were other people who had gone through similar situations (and, as I had suspected, there are).

I don't think I would actually bring this up to my boyfriend -- not because I don't feel comfortable communicating these sorts of things, but more because it really isn't a major issue for me (at the moment, at least). Bringing it up would probably just make him feel bad and couldn't really lead to any productive solution since, as many of you have put it, there really is no "good answer" to this kind of thing.
Click to expand...

Wow! I'm in the exact same situation as you are in. 2.5 years so far, and we started when we were both 18. He's my first BF, and the sweetest most caring guy I could have ever asked for.

It's hard, I know. You know, deep down, that a guy (and a love) like this is rare, like stumbling upon a diamond on a sandy beach. At first it was all great, "together forever", etc., but after a while, you begin to realize that forever is a helluva long time, eh?

Then you begin to wonder what you're missing out on (All those blonde, toned guys that you just absolutely ADORE. Sure, the BF is attractive, but of course, there are those melt-in-your-mouth M&M's (Meaty & Muscled) guys out there that just make you wonder...

It's a hard situation, a trade off. The harder part: What if it DOESN'T last forever? What if, 10 years down the line, it all ends? You'll never be 19/20/21 again, you'll never have the chance to have hot young experimental sex. Anything after would be middle-aged mediocrity, right?

I know how you feel. Unfortunately, I don't really have an answer. PM me if you want to talk about it together, but all I can tell you is: There aren't very many options. It's either an open relationship (Which, I can tell you from much research, usually leads to the relationship ending), or sticking by your decision to risk your once-in-a-lifetime chance for young experimentation in exchange for once-in-a-lifetime-and-hopefully-forever love.
 
Omigod! A gay man who doesn't watch Dr. Phil or Oprah! If you did you'd know that all that has happened is that the romance has gone out of your marriage. Pick up any women's magazine and you'll find a thousand hints on how to get it back. The black undies; the spontaneous candle-lit dinners; the flowers on Valentine's Day.

Make plans together and realise them - create common history.
 
theblackajah said:
It's a hard situation, a trade off. The harder part: What if it DOESN'T last forever? What if, 10 years down the line, it all ends? You'll never be 19/20/21 again, you'll never have the chance to have hot young experimental sex. Anything after would be middle-aged mediocrity, right?
Click to expand...
Actually, you won't have any trouble finding hot guys to have sex with in your thirties and forties, should you need to. I'm serious. So don't worry about it. Concentrate on your relationship and work hard to make it last. If it doesn't, life will open up again for you.
 
orem244 said:
It's fine... I mean, I'm sure it could be better, but it's really not bad at all, considering how long we've been together. Sex really isn't all that important to me -- I mean, I enjoy it as much as the next guy, but it isn't a huge priority for me.
Click to expand...

I only just discovered in 6 short weeks of my first male relationship the same thing; sex isn't as important as I preconceived it to be. I'm starting to realize what affection & closeness means to me.

Love is what I need to know my name.......
 
Riverrick is right. There will be plenty of guys in their 30s looking for a hookup or a boyfriend if things don't pan out 10 years from now.

Not to be too much of a downer, but I know a couple of guys personally who were in LTRs for basically all of their 20s that came to an end in their early 30s. Both of them only had been with that one partner until the breakup. They both weren't ready to be in another relationship after that and focused on making new friends and whoring around a little (or in the case of one of them a lot). Things sometimes don't work out, but that's just the way it goes. You shouldn't give up something good just because you're worried it may go bad some day.
 
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