The “I was drunk” excuse.

[evil_danger]

I have this friend I am totally in lust with. I know I have feelings deeper than that for him, but he’s a total arrogant self-centred jerk of a guy who really gets on my nerves. On the flip side he’s also a fun guy to hang out with.

Anyway a few months ago we got quite intimate, making out, groping. I thought this was the start of something, and blinded by attraction to him got a little bit clingy and text friendly, he on the other hand meant it as a bit of fun, a pleasing way to say goodnight and we had a huge argument. He believing I was pushy and clingy, me believing he was misleading and well a whore.

We made up what feels like ages ago, and when we drink we get quite flirty with each other. It kinda built up Christmas Eve where we got away from our friends a few times to make out. I was running on lust, pure and simple. No inhibitions I just wanted him.

Then he said the weirdest thing, “why do you want me? I’m filthy. I smoke, drink way too much and do lots of nasty things, you’re so much better than that, you’re such a nice person”

I was taken aback and simply told him that he had a good heart, I wasn’t that shallow and he was a good person on the inside, regardless of the stuff he has done. I meant every word of it, he is a nice guy, my lust for him being separate from caring for him as a friend.

His reply was “if I finished college and you were still single I would be so happy to be your boyfriend, but you can do so much better than me”

Since then he’s shrugged this off as just being drunk, claming he doesn’t really remember it. I know I should do the same, I KNOW THIS. He isn’t a guy to shy away from getting what he wants, so why only tell me when he’s drunk then take it back. And to be honest, he isn’t what I want from a boyfriend.

But still, I cant keep my mind from asking “is there some truth to it, is ‘I was drunk’ really an excuse for saying those things, or an excuse not to probe any further for his real feelings”

His comment on how he views himself never surprised me, he is very much a guy who uses sex to make himself feel needed. He’s also not yet comfortable with his sexuality, which he hides by being a bit of… well for lack of a better word a whore, maybe the fact he’s never taken me to bed is further proof he actually does care about me.

I’m over analysing again. I guess I just need to hear someone else say “shrug it off, it means nothing” so that I don’t drive myself crazy over it.

Thanks for reading!

 

[backseatboy]

Shrug it off; you can't create valid meaning of inebriated conversations... especially when he is in denial.

 

[Caaake]

Being drunk is an excuse. When your drunk you still know what your doing. That is unless your extremely hammered. But i find this mostly just an excuse and other excuses being used as reasons for homosexual behavior and lots of other behaviors one may want to hide.

However, in this case, i dont think this guy is that into you. cuz the Your too good for me is probably another excuse for saying no. That is unless he knows hes hurting you or something badly and would feel guilty about it. He's obviously attracted to you! But clingy is not attractive no matter how great you are.. its just a turn off. So be less clingy and just hook up with him, relax and enjoy it as it comes. Don't overanalyze anything. Just enjoy...

 

[slickery]

The "you're too good for me excuse" is almost as classic as "it's not you it's me."

It means he doesn't want much more from you. You may be fun to hook up with, and convenient for him.

So you can do one of two things.
1) Stop hooking up with him thus keeping things simple.
2) Go with the flow, enjoy it while it happens, and don't think anything more of it.

Both are going to be tough to do for oyu, especially since you think you might have deeper feelings for him, but it's the only way. Otherwise you are just going to keep setting yourself up to for dissapointment.

 

[evil_danger]

Thanks for confirming what I already knew deep down.

The only part of me that really made me question it was the fact that he wasn’t very drunk, he didn’t drink that much and was very much sober acting… not that it gives a flying fuck to how drunk you are. But as a bar man it’s my job to keep an eye on how drunken people are getting… but again that’s over analysing territory.

I’m happy to go with the flow for the moment, no one else in my life. I’m not one who feels casual sex with someone I’m not in a relationship is right for me, but… at the same time I’m not going to shy away if the offer comes up with him.

 

[techboywi]

I think that people are usually more honest when they drink. They may say things they wouldn't normally say because they have some "Liquid Courage" in them.

It is clearly obvious though, if he does have feelings for you, he is not ready to deal with them, so it is best to leave things as is untill he is.


Do not wait around for him, but I would say keep it as an option

 

[G-Lexington]

"You can do better than me" is used for the same reason "It's not you, it's me" is used - there's no answer to it. You can't argue it.

Lex

 

[evil_danger]

I'm not looking to argue with what he said, I just wish I could understand it.

Since we fell out over crossed signals I’ve given little to no indication of wanting to have anything to do with him in a romantic way, even going as far as to push him off me on his birthday for trying to get a “birthday snog” off of me (which, when you lust after someone is quite hard to fight temptation)

I’ve been quite laid back, hes been the main person flirting with me, and recently even touching and hugging me all the time sober, which I have made clear I’m not comfortable with because of past events.

I’m not arguing that he was rejecting me. “You’re too good for me” sounds a awful lot like the “its not you its me” line to me and I know I was rejected in as painless a way as possible (see drunken blog post sweet rejection to the left). But why lead me on, to reject me to then blame the whole thing on drink anyway.

I know he is just messing me around, but with very little to compare it to its confusing.

Am I within reason to be confused?

 

[Coffee]

I think that whatever he said, when he reject with "I was drunk", he may:
1- Changed his mind, and found how stupid he was
and/or
2- He doesn't wanna talk about it
and/or
3- Doesn't remember what exactly he said, he thinks it would be better to forget it all

If he want your relationship to keep going on, and wanna bury that bomb, don't dig it up. Since you did have argument about "clingy" or not, don't try do bother him with it. If he still has that problem (which he said about that time), he'll let you know, when he's not drunk and be serious.

 

[StlKj]

Actually, "you're too good for me" is often exactly what the person means. He meant it both as a lament and as a warning. He hates himself, he's drawn to your goodness, and he knows that in the state he's in in his life he will destroy you, the one good thing he might think he has going for him. And even though he is afraid of that, he knows he'll do it, because he's not strong enough not to.

He knows he will hurt you. It's what he does. He hurts himself, so how could he treat you any other way once he has you? When those who dwell in darkness seek the light, then realize once they get close to it they can't really possess it, they do the only thing they know to do--they put it out.

Keep your distance sexually from this one--you're going to fall for his pain, and he's going to cause yours.

 

[Lube]

^What Killjoke said.

Your friend sounds very insecure and self-destructive.

You do deserve better than him.

The question is, what are you so insecure as to go after someone like that?

 

[KaraBulut]

In vino veritas

Three in a row.

Some guys are like a bucket with a hole in the bottom. They are constantly needing self-esteem refills because they don't know how to plug the hole and stop their self-esteem from running out as quick as they can refill.

Your friend- for a moment- dropped his guard and showed you the pained person that he is underneath the drunken, smoking slob he hides behind.

"...but you can do so much better than me”

And he gave you wise advice.

And you should take his advice.

 

[G-Lexington]

Make it four.

Killjoke said it best. You're going to fall for his pain. You're going to add some pity to your crush, and attempt to "save" him, and in the process, join him in the abyss.

Danger, Will Robinson.

Lex

 

[TexMess]

Actually, "you're too good for me" is often exactly what the person means. He meant it both as a lament and as a warning. He hates himself, he's drawn to your goodness, and he knows that in the state he's in in his life he will destroy you, the one good thing he might think he has going for him. And even though he is afraid of that, he knows he'll do it, because he's not strong enough not to.

He knows he will hurt you. It's what he does. He hurts himself, so how could he treat you any other way once he has you? When those who dwell in darkness seek the light, then realize once they get close to it they can't really possess it, they do the only thing they know to do--they put it out.

Keep your distance sexually from this one--you're going to fall for his pain, and he's going to cause yours.

Exactly.

Cut it off completely and run while you still have the strength to do so. Because if, for whatever reason, you find yourself in a weak or vulnerable state it will feel impossible to do so. Don't mistake your codependency for compassion or depth. If he's pushing you away he's doing you a favor. Just don't let him pull you back when he's drunk and you're feeling sympathetic.

Trust me; even if you think you'd never fall into such a predicament and that you're always in complete control of your actions, the only way to maintain that is to stay the hell away from such compromising individuals. It can eat away at you until you're caught off guard and no longer capable of shutting him out. It will be hell. It will destroy you.

Run away and don't look back while you still can.

 

[evil_danger]

To answer Lube’s question, he’s the only person to show any interest in me. He isn’t my type at all, but no one else wants me so in my mind that’s enough. But I know we would never work out together, even when I thought we were going to start dating I knew it could only be a bit of fun.

At the end of the day he’s still a friend, I cant “cut and run” because he is a good person whom I do consider a part of my life, also he’s in my current circle of friends.

I’m not going to try to save him… Maybe if I had some decent experience to rely on then I could but at this point in my life I want someone who just wants me for the person that I am, not someone I have to work at and someone who is going to mess me about.

I think if the offer of sex came up I would take it, to be honest I could use the experience and someone I’m comfortable with… well that’s half the job done. But the offer of a relationship… if it were real would have to be turned down. On top of everything he makes me jealous, and I can’t have that.

I don’t mind being with someone who is depressive and in denial, but I want to know I could be there for them, I never know where I stand with him.

Thanks for the very varied advice guys, I enjoy to hear peoples views on situations.

 

[torand]

A) He totally remembers it, you can't really have that cognoscente of a discussion without remembering it. He is obviously ashamed of something he said, and wants to pretend it never happened. Also, if anything, people are more sincere when drunk, not less.

B) I don't think he is that interested in you, you are probably just convenient; especially when he is drunk. I had a friend like this in high school, who on top of everything claimed they were straight (Which was not true, obviously). This experience really taught me how to isolate the fact that I find someone cute from deciding if I like their personality. I would recommend you try to pretend you don't find him attractive, and see how you feel about him, but I know that is easier said then done, it took me almost 2 years to finally stop hanging out with the guy.

 

[Lube]

To answer Lube’s question, he’s the only person to show any interest in me. He isn’t my type at all, but no one else wants me so in my mind that’s enough.

Don't be so passive. (I know; easy to say, harder to do.)

You need to evaluate other men as much as they evaluate you. Be proud of yourself; if you're not, work at making yourself prouder. Don't worry about being perfect--that's a terrible trap to get into. Just work on improving yourself gradually.

Read and take my siggie to heart (the second part!).

 

[evil_danger]

Don't be so passive. (I know; easy to say, harder to do.)

You need to evaluate other men as much as they evaluate you. Be proud of yourself; if you're not, work at making yourself prouder. Don't worry about being perfect--that's a terrible trap to get into. Just work on improving yourself gradually.

Read and take my siggie to heart (the second part!).

I'm trying to, and believe it or not I am actually a lot better than I was a few years ago, and this guy was a big help. Actually knowing someone found me attractive helped. And while he has played head games with me, he makes me feel sexy, which gives me confidence.

Last night was weird though, through a series of events that didn't plan out how I envisioned we still ended up in bed together. Although alcohol was behind it, the whole thing never felt like a "drunken incident" it was all very comfortable and… well for lack of a better word loving.

While it wasn't sex (lack of protection), it didn't matter, it was still nice and fun and the fact that there wasn't sex didn't spoil anything. He told me that my insecurities were unfounded, I should be pleased with my body, he knows I have hang-ups about my weight and he said that I shouldn't.

I don’t know what to expect when I next see him, it's not like I want a relationship with him, and he’s hurt me before. But I had to bite my tongue a few times last night to stop myself saying "I love you" It really did feel that perfect and if I am a guy of convenience then he knows how to hide it.

 

[evil_danger]

When I say “he makes me jealous” I mean more that I couldn’t trust him, now that fault does more than likely fall with me, but still I find it easy to trust other people, too easy but I wouldn’t trust him. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know the meaning of the word monogamy, or likes the idea of being monogamous.

He’s told me on more than one occasion that he’s surprised I care for him, which gives me the impression he’s never had a serious relationship before. Also his attitude to sex and men confirms this, he seems to think that sex is a game, and men are just the toys. I also get the impression that he has this idea because he’s been used before.

But I have made up my mind, as its been said, I do hate myself, I need someone who is going to support me, not mess me about. And regardless of what emotional problems he has, I’m not a shrink, I don’t want to have to work at it, I want it to come naturally. Okay the few times we are together it has come very naturally, but other than that he makes me feel like I’m a stranger.

I did let myself fall into his charms the other night, and while I’m not ashamed of it, and really enjoyed what we did together I still let myself get hurt because I knew he would be like this after, I knew he would make me feel like… nothing and still I’m surprised! I feel like a joke.

 

[StlKj]

^In other words you know now that the stove is hot and have every intention of continuously laying your hand on it?

Exactly, marley. The friend has said he's bad news. You (The OP) know he is bad news. You are getting out of this what you want out of it, which is the momentary companionship. You know he's messed up as well, yet you use him for the intimacy. And yet, you're basically accusing him of messing you about and "making you feel like nothing." You can't get what you want in the moment, and then play the victim afterwards when you can't get more, especially when he's been very up front through his words and actions that it's not going to happen. You say you can't trust him, but it sounds to me like he's very honest with you about who he is.

If you can't just enjoy him for the relationship you have, that's not his fault. He's not making you feel like nothing--you already feel like nothing, and you're doing him so you can confirm it. You're not going to stop until you quit acting like he's responsible for how you feel.

*Just read your last blog entry about how you were drunk and throwing yourself at him before Christmas, and he rejected you then by telling you he's not good enough for you. Listen to him.*