The “I was drunk” excuse.

[KaraBulut]

He’s told me on more than one occasion that he’s surprised I care for him, which gives me the impression he’s never had a serious relationship before. Also his attitude to sex and men confirms this, he seems to think that sex is a game, and men are just the toys. I also get the impression that he has this idea because he’s been used before.

Caring about him is not the issue.

What you do with that caring is the issue.

I did let myself fall into his charms the other night, and while I’m not ashamed of it, and really enjoyed what we did together I still let myself get hurt because I knew he would be like this after, I knew he would make me feel like… nothing and still I’m surprised! I feel like a joke.

Well, you got some consistent advice about a week ago.

You didn't take the advice, which is your option. The alternate course that you chose didn't work and now you feel worse about yourself.

But that's the past. Did you learn from it? Are you ready to get real about the situation?

 

[evil_danger]

I know I'm using him to get what I want, I've never hidden that fact from this thread. I also know that I do feel more for him which is one of the many reasons I never should have let it get that far.

But we've been close before, even fell out over it, at which it was made clear it was never going to work.

I've pushed him off of me a number of times in the recent past, I used to drive him home some nights, he always used to lean in for a kiss and I would just move back, or turn my head. I could cope with that. But over the holidays hes been around more, very touchy feely, which again I never returned the attention and even thought I made clear that I didn't feel comfortable being touched. Yes I gave in and started throwing myself at him, sometimes it feels like a good idea to do something you know you shouldn't. Especially something so lust filled with someone who feels like they are practically offering it on a plate.

This hot and cold, are you saying I'm making it up in my head to justify throwing myself at him in some bizzare way?

I dont want to cut him out my life, but if I am such a bad person as reading some of these replies appears to make out, would it be best for him if I did?

 

[KaraBulut]

I dont want to cut him out my life, but if I am such a bad person as reading some of these replies appears to make out, would it be best for him if I did?

It might be best for both of you.

 

[evil_danger]

"I know I have feelings deeper than that for him, but he’s a total arrogant self-centered jerk of a guy who really gets on my nerves."

That one sentence is telling. WHY do you have deep feelings for a total arrogant self-centered jerk of a guy?

Because thats only half of him, he's also funny, social, he would do anything for you... He just had a kind soul I guess. Hes got charm.

Okay KaraBulut I agree, but how do I cut someone out who happens to have all my friends. I cant stop him hanging around me, and I cant upset or drag our friends into it (which is why I winge about it on here)

 

[KaraBulut]

Okay KaraBulut I agree, but how do I cut someone out who happens to have all my friends. I cant stop him hanging around me, and I cant upset or drag our friends into it (which is why I winge about it on here)

You see him in groups with your friends. You avoid being alone with him. You avoid getting drunk when you're around him.

If you have a trusted friend in the group, then you tell them the situation and ask the friend to help you avoid situations in which you are alone with this guy and to help avoid situations where you end up with an excuse to make out and/or get naked.

And you find a real boyfriend.

 

[StlKj]

This hot and cold, are you saying I'm making it up in my head to justify throwing myself at him in some bizzare way?

I dont want to cut him out my life, but if I am such a bad person as reading some of these replies appears to make out, would it be best for him if I did?

Something you need to understand, evil_danger--no one has said you're bad, or you're a slut, or you're making anything up. He IS hot and cold; that's not in question. He's TOLD you he's hot and cold. So, he is just as messed up as he says.

Pointing out your responsibility in all of this, even if the truth of it is uncomfortable, is not meant to tear you down. My words are not to make you a victim--they're meant to show you that you're not just a victim in this scenario. Staying a victim means you don't own the ability to affect change. If you're going to resist the urge to accept his advances, or the urge to throw yourself at him when you want him, then you have to embrace the power you have to stop it. If you do that, you might even be able to stay friends, because then you'll be strong enough to establish boundaries and stand firmly behind them.

Good luck.

 

[evil_danger]

Thank you.

I know you weren’t saying I was a bad person, or indeed intended me to feel like a bad person, I just read them and thought “oh, well maybe I’m not as innocent as I thought” It’s easy to pass the blame onto someone else, especially if they are not so innocent themselves.

My job of “cutting him out” might become a whole lot easier as he’s going back to college this week, and apparently getting a weekend job, so chances are I’ll only see him once in a blue moon.

I feel like I owe him an explanation though. If I do still see him quite often I feel like I want to tell him that if I ignore him, its not because I don’t like him as a friend, but to save myself from the emotional stuff he brings up in me. I can’t do no strings sex, its good that he can, but its not something I can cope with in myself. And if he cares for me in anyway that he should back off.

I don’t know if its wishful thinking, but I think maybe in the future after he grows up some more, and I learn to be more comfortable with myself we could at least have a fun but short lived relationship… yeah that sounds like wishful thinking!

I’ll keep you guys updated.