The Attraction Grows Even Stronger: HELP!

[Zildjian]

Hey guys,

I don't know what I'd do without JUB, and all the insightful advice I've received.

In my previous thread, I spoke about a guy I've been getting to know for the past month or so, but I have a little problem.

I had a great time with him this weekend, but I think I'm bordering obsession just thinking about him constantly throughout the day - I'm developing an overwhelming attraction to this guy.

I've conservatively estimated that I spend 75-80% of my waking hours thinking about him, and I'm really becoming stressed with the thought that I can't be with him more often (seeing as he lives in Boston).

He has his own friends, career, life, etc, but I want to be in his life more. On the other hand, I am very careful about not overwhelming him with my presence, so the only form of communication I utilize with him is email (where he can communicate at his leisure and/or convenience).

How do I get over obsessing over this great guy and eliminate this perpetual headache?

 

[texan_slant]

Is he not single'available? You might want to tell him that you like him.

 

[Zildjian]

Is he not single'available? You might want to tell him that you like him.

Is he single and available? Actually, he is. Yesterday night, he even introduced me to his ex boyfriend (who is in a long term relationship now).

I don't know. I don't want to ruin this good friendship that seems to have initiated. I don't know if the grinding (dancing), hugging, and near-kiss means that he's attracted to me. I do admit that I'm very attracted to him, but the feeling may not be mutual, although we did have an awesome time last night.

I wish I would have been more alert and kissed him.

I feel a headache coming on again...

 

[texan_slant]

The dancing/grinding/hugging is very common in that kind of atmosphere.

It definitely sounds like he enjoys your company - those are good signs, Zildjian. My impression is that you haven't known him for very long - is this correct?

If this was the only time that you have gone out, you might want to let time tell. For example, get to know him as a friend and talk 1:1 (rather than in AIM/email) while eliciting more info - what are his interests, is he interested in another relationship, etc.

Also (as friends) will he want to go out with you again to a club, etc.? After awhile if it seems to contrived, then there is less apt to be a connection in the future. Also, the context of how you met online plays a huge factor.

Good luck!

 

[954dude]

I've been in your situation. Don't let the obsession take over you, because without being careful, it can affect your life entirely. Start knowing him better and seeing if this is someone you truly want to be with. But be #1 to yourself!

 

[hanshansen]

It's strange reading this, I'm only a few months further down this road. So take that as a disclaimer .

I developed strong crushes on two guys in the space of the last 5 months or so, I met one via a dating site, he did a lot to help me get over some of my physical inhibitions (we went dancing, bowling, kayaking, he taught me a little about personal grooming etc.), the other essentially hit on me and got me over some of my sexual inhibitions. From those experiences, I can say a couple of things.

Bear in mind that the novelty factor looms very large here. This guy has given you some fantastic new experiences. 80 per cent of what I was craving was more of those new experiences.

It might be useful to imagine how you would feel about Rob once that novelty wears off. That happens faster than you might think - all you have to do is keep doing the things he showed you with other people. I was in a night club with some friends till 2 in the morning last Saturday. It was nice, but it was just one of those things that it now feels fairly normal to do.

Another thing that might be useful is to imagine what it would be like if you got your wish and were part of his life, with all that that entails (friends, family, baggage). If you find that hard to imagine, it might be worth taking a step back and just getting to know him better. Like others have said, do that in person rather than via email (just meet up for coffee etc).

FWIW, the first guy I mentioned was just totally not my type. Chalk and cheese, he ended up making me feel bad about myself and to be honest I don't have that much respect for him either, though he does have natural strengths that I don't have and I learned a lot meeting him. The second guy is genuinely nice and well-meaning, I think, but it seems he doesn't have his social life under control. Being attached to someone like that would just be frustrating, you would be competing with all his other engagements. And while we clicked more intellectually, there were also compatibility issues (temperament, friends etc.).

At the moment I'm interested in someone who I just happen to like (from what I've seen of him). Strangely that makes it easier to be patient - I'm just curious to find out more what kind of person this is.

 

[Zildjian]

The dancing/grinding/hugging is very common in that kind of atmosphere.

Yeah, I kinda figured. But if he didn't like me, would he have done that with me? I know for a fact that he wasn't under the influence (of alcohol), and neither was I.

It definitely sounds like he enjoys your company - those are good signs, Zildjian. My impression is that you haven't known him for very long - is this correct?

Yes, this is our second time meeting up, after knowing each other for a month or so.

If this was the only time that you have gone out, you might want to let time tell. For example, get to know him as a friend and talk 1:1 (rather than in AIM/email) while eliciting more info - what are his interests, is he interested in another relationship, etc.

That's a little hard to do, as he lives in Boston. In fact, he's leaving on an early flight this morning to go back home. He was here in Dallas to visit his family as he does every month or so.

Also (as friends) will he want to go out with you again to a club, etc.?
Good luck!

It sounds like he would want to. When we left, he asked me how I enjoyed the experience and if I would like to go back. I told him that I really liked it, and would definitely come back.

Thanks.

 

[Zildjian]

I've been in your situation. Don't let the obsession take over you, because without being careful, it can affect your life entirely.

You are most correct. It has definitely started to affect my life in a significant way.

Last night, I had several dreams about the guy, and recaps of our experience Saturday night.

I just can't stand not being with him. He hasn't been online since Saturday night, and I'm feeling really lonely not being able to at least chat with him. Guys, I can't even eat because of all this.

I should just turn off my computer and do some other things to keep me occupied, as this stress is beginning to kill me.

This guy has really stolen my heart (without him possibly knowing it).

 

[hanshansen]

Before going to bed, I'll restate my question, since I didn't get it quite right before:

Is what's attracting you him, keeping in mind everything that you can't separate from him (personality, looks, close friends etc.) or is it something he's providing you with at the moment (fun times, the opportunity to discover new sides of yourself) that you could conceivably get some other way (from someone else, or on your own)?

I'm not saying thinking about things this way will resolve your situation, but it may help put your feelings in perspective.

 

[Zildjian]

Before going to bed, I'll restate my question, since I didn't get it quite right before:

Is what's attracting you him, keeping in mind everything that you can't separate from him (personality, looks, close friends etc.) or is it something he's providing you with at the moment (fun times, the opportunity to discover new sides of yourself) that you could conceivably get some other way (from someone else, or on your own)?

I'm not saying thinking about things this way will resolve your situation, but it may help put your feelings in perspective.

No, it's definitely him that has me attracted. While we were hanging out, I learned that we have alot of common interests, and I was very drawn to his personality, and his character. Not to mention that he's a good looking guy. In fact, I didn't want to go home because it was the last time I would personally see him for the next couple of months.

I just would like to be in his presence more and talk more with him.

 

[rareboy]

Well....tell him.

Find a way to visit him in Boston.

Obviously, you'd know more once you tore up the sheets with him.

At this point, one would assume that a big part of the obsession must be anticipation.

 

[Lube]

People are always better as we imagine them, then as we come to know them.

You hardly know the guy, so you are putting all sorts of assumptions about his personality on him. So you obsess about him because you imagine him to be perfect. As you have experience with more guys, you'll see that they rarely turn out as perfect as we imagine.

If it's normal, the obsession will wax and wane. Been there, done that. If you continue to obsess constantly, that will become unhealthy.

The only way to stop obsessing is to take him off his pedestal by getting to know him better. That will take time, especially as he lives so far away.

 

[Zildjian]

I'm going to call him this evening and see if there is any interest on his part. If not, then I'll dismiss him completly.

I just hope that our fun over the weekend was NOT the end of our interaction together. I hope not.

 

[Zildjian]

i personally think that building an obsession over someone in a month's time is more lust than love. it takes a lifetime to begin to understand someone completely. although i hope this goes in your favor and he lands in your hands, i also think you might wanna step back and take a look at whether or not this is really a love thing. love is complicated and deep and certainly can't be built in a month

Hi Marley,

Thanks for replying. I never said that I loved the guy. I simply said that I felt an attraction to him and was eager to learn more about him as a person - which can lead to love.

I think my position is simply that while I find him to be a great guy with his personality/character and good looks, that I'm being completly reasonable in wanting to pursue this guy's friendship.

That's all.

 

[Zildjian]

Update

Ok guys,

I just called him to 'sort things out'. Here's how it went:

I first thanked Rob (again) for a great time we had in Dallas this past weekend, and for taking out time to show a 'newbie' the ropes in regards to gay clubs/bars. He told me that he had a lot of fun, and so did I.

The next thing I wanted to talk to him about was this sense (aka my obsession) of him not wanting to see me/hang out again. So I simply asked, "Was that the end?". He sounded puzzled, as though he didn't know what I was asking. So I rephrased my question: "Are we ever going to see each other again?". He said that he hoped so, and that we would definitely hang out again when he's in town. He sound that he was glad that I went and that I was a 'cool' guy. We both laughed about this, which was good. We then talked about a couple of things that happened that night.

I'm glad I called him this evening to see where we were. We're definitely friends and I look forward to good times together.

 

[Lube]

Good. So you should stop obsessing for about 12 hours at least.

 

[Zildjian]

Good. So you should stop obsessing for about 12 hours at least.

LOL. I hope so. I can't wait to see him again.

Ok. We just chatted, because I still had things I wanted to clear up. Here's our conversation from AIM (with the screen names taken out for privacy sake):

me: (7:36:46 PM): ah, Rob...darn it, I miss you...lol
Rob: (7:39:44 PM): hey! your IM scared me, i didnt realize my sound was on...
me: (7:39:57 PM): oh...lol
Rob: (7:40:42 PM): just saw your email, and thanks! you are an awesome person too, i have fun with you
me: (7:40:56 PM): well, thank you
me: (7:41:04 PM): nicest thing I've heard all day...haha
Rob: (7:41:31 PM): aww, not a good day?
me: (7:41:54 PM): not really - i had a meeting in downtown this afternoon
me: (7:42:00 PM): was not a good one
me: (7:42:09 PM): ah, but that's the game of it all, i guess
me: (7:42:15 PM): win some, loose some
me: (7:42:31 PM): but really, i don't know if I should be telling you this
me: (7:42:48 PM): but i was a bit sad when we left
Rob: (7:43:05 PM): why? on saturday?
me: (7:43:15 PM): yeah, after we got back to Forney
Rob: (7:43:37 PM): i really didnt mean to give you the impression that we wouldn’t see each other again
me: (7:43:46 PM): oh no, you're fine
me: (7:44:00 PM): i overthink things i guess
me: (7:44:17 PM): but i was like 'oh crap, i won't see him again for a while'
me: (7:46:14 PM): i have like no gay friends around here, so it's a little difficult to be yourself sometimes
Rob: (7:46:22 PM): well, wont be that long, ill be back in dallas soon
me: (7:46:29 PM): i hope so
me: (7:46:35 PM): or im coming to Boston...lol
Rob: (7:46:54 PM): you should come visit
me: (7:47:06 PM): i'll definitely consider it
me: (7:48:08 PM): please know this: despite our initial 'meeting', i don't think of you as some 'object' of lust or something, but i real human being
me: (7:48:16 PM): but a*
me: (7:48:51 PM): and i've sort of felt this pulling towards you, i don't know why
me: (7:49:30 PM): i don't know, im not a pyschology major, but....
me: (7:49:46 PM): anyway, let me shut my mouth before i get into trouble...lol
Rob: (7:50:12 PM): lol, what do you mean get into trouble?
me: (7:50:20 PM): ah, nevermind!
me: (7:50:21 PM): lol
Rob: (7:50:32 PM): you cant just start and not tell me!
me: (7:50:37 PM): the long and short of it is: i can't wait to see you again, even for a few minutes
me: (7:50:47 PM): lol
me: (7:51:13 PM): i know the feeling probably isn't mutual, but im just being honest
Rob: (7:51:53 PM): i know we didnt meet in the best of circumstances, but hopefully it wont influence our relationship.... no i think you're a cool guy and i like hanging out with you
me: (7:52:17 PM): i don't think it will
me: (7:52:21 PM): well thank you, Rob
me: (7:52:26 PM): so do I
me: (7:52:45 PM):
Rob: (7:54:01 PM): yea, that's the thing about meeting ppl online, sometimes it's all weird afterwards
me: (7:54:16 PM): yeah, i've heard
me: (7:54:42 PM): i think things can go just as well as the other friends you've known for some time
me: (7:54:59 PM): and I won't ever bring it up
me: (7:55:08 PM): now that I've officially 'weirded you out'....LOL
me: (7:55:18 PM): with all of this...lol
Rob: (7:55:45 PM): you havent weirded me out, im a bit confused, but not weirded out, lol
me: (7:55:56 PM): confused?
me: (7:56:13 PM): please tell me
Rob: (7:57:36 PM): nah nothing, but yeah i mean we're all human so it's not like our meeting circumstances freaks me out, lol
me: (7:57:52 PM): oh good
me: (7:58:29 PM): i just think im a bit enthused about finally finding someone who I can relate to more in a platonic way
me: (7:58:50 PM): especially being in an environment where I have to put on an 'act' for people
me: (7:58:56 PM): gets tiring sometimes
me: (7:59:11 PM): that's basically what it's about
Rob: (8:00:19 PM): yeah, i understand, plus i think it's very hard finding good gay friends
me: (8:00:34 PM): exactly
me: (8:00:42 PM): ok, i won't hold you up
me: (8:00:54 PM): i just wanted to get that off my chest
me: (8:01:05 PM): and clear the air
me: (8:01:16 PM): well, my air
me: (8:01:17 PM): lol
Rob: (8:01:41 PM): lol, nah it's cool, hey honesty is the foundation of a good relationship!
me: (8:01:54 PM): absolutely!
Rob: (8:02:55 PM): plus you seem like a great guy and i like you, so hopefully we'll def have an opportunity to hang out again
me: (8:03:50 PM): well, thanks Rob. I like you as well. Absolutely!
me: (8:03:59 PM): oh, and that was my first time dancing
me: (8:04:00 PM): lol
me: (8:04:19 PM): i told you that i would need the help of a couple of drinks
me: (8:04:20 PM): lol
Rob: (8:04:48 PM): really? well you did very well, i thought you didnt like dancing (hence why i appreciate you dancing) but didnt know it was your first time!
me: (8:05:09 PM): yeah, i've just never been in a situation where I had to dance
me: (8:05:15 PM): thanks!
me: (8:05:31 PM): i was nervous, because I've never danced
me: (8:05:52 PM): so basically i sort of did what I do when I jog in place at home
me: (8:06:01 PM): and to the beat...lol
Rob: (8:06:04 PM): well hope i didnt make you feel all uncomfortable!
me: (8:06:27 PM): nah, not at all
me: (8:06:38 PM): i was really into it before i sat down the first time
me: (8:06:48 PM): and really into it right after James left
me: (8:06:58 PM): i didn't care
me: (8:07:14 PM): im definitely going back
me: (8:07:20 PM): (when you get here of course)
me: (8:07:28 PM): try out some new moves...lol
Rob: (8:09:29 PM): lol, well you have some time to practice, but if you ever wanna go out let me know, i can ask my friends when they're going and they'll be happy to let you join... james said you seemed like a really nice guy
me: (8:10:28 PM): yeah, definitely.
me: (8:10:33 PM): he was real nice too
me: (8:10:45 PM): although his bf is a little quiet, but nice nonetheless
me: (8:11:05 PM): alright man, i gotta go
me: (8:11:17 PM): enjoyed 'talking' to ya
Rob: (8:11:57 PM): cool, same here
Rob: (8:12:01 PM): take care! ttyl
me: (8:12:05 PM): later!

 

[Zildjian]

Well, I think my obsession has died down some. I've gone to thinking about him 24/7 to a few times each day.

Nevertheless, I await with great expectation when he comes back to Dallas so we can hang out again. I can't wait to see him!

 

[Lube]

me: (7:58:29 PM): i just think im a bit enthused about finally finding someone who I can relate to more in a platonic way
me: (7:58:50 PM): especially being in an environment where I have to put on an 'act' for people
me: (7:58:56 PM): gets tiring sometimes
me: (7:59:11 PM): that's basically what it's about
Rob: (8:00:19 PM): yeah, i understand, plus i think it's very hard finding good gay friends

Hmmm... I think you meant to say "more than in a platonic way", but he might've missed that because he talked about being "friends". Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're going for here.

 

[Zildjian]

Hmmm... I think you meant to say "more than in a platonic way", but he might've missed that because he talked about being "friends". Or maybe I'm misunderstanding what you're going for here.

Actually, I meant "friends" as well. In this chat, I was conveying to Rob that I was excited to finally find a gay friend who I could relate to, befriend, and hang out with (of course, when he's in Dallas).

I think he a great guy, he's nice, intelligent, humble, good looking, and he's informed me that he enjoys my company as well. He's helped me come out of my proverbial 'shell' and engage in finally getting to enjoy my life and my sexuality, and to help me forget about that damned past crush that I had. He's also introduced me to like minded people who are friends of his.

However, I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of of a more than platonic relationship, but only time will tell. First of all, he lives in Boston, I live in Texas, and long distance non-platonic relationships usually don't blossom.

Above all, I look forward to building up a friendship with Rob - my first gay friend.