WHILE JEALOUSY MAKES DEREK RE EXAMINE THE COSTS OF BEING A BLUE PRIESTS, MATTEO LET'S GO OF HIS FEAR AND MOVES TOWARD HIS OWN DESTINY
“I need to talk to you,” Derek said. “I need to speak to you in private.”
Derek had been, frankly, irritated the whole day, and Conn wondered if Derek had some words of irritation to say to him. If he did, so be it.
“In your room?” Conn suggested.
“That would be best,” Derek said.
The room was unlit and Conn thought of the other night, when the moonlight had come in shining on the small naked body of Jon, stretched across Nialla and grinning.
Derek took a deep breath, and he was playing with his hands, and looking at the floor, not, in fact, looking angry.
“This is hard for me,” Derek said, “because I feel like a fool.”
“What?” Conn said.
“Please forgive me,” Derek told him. “I am jealous.”
“What?” Conn began, then stopped himself, realizing he’d just said that.
Derek turned around and held him lightly by the shoulders.
“When you first came here, when you first came to me, it wasn’t long before I felt the way I could not say, couldn’t even say until today, that you were mine.”
“But,” Conn started, not understanding, “But I am yours.”
“No, you’re not,” Derek said, as if informing him. “No one owns anyone else. You are not mine. And when you talked about being a Blue—”
“I wasn’t serious,” Conn began. Then he said, “Well, I don’t know. I wasn’t completely serious, but…”
“All I could think of was you with all those other people, and that’s not fair because, of course, I am a Blue. It’s not fair to be angry about you doing what I do at least three days of each week, what I have done for nearly four years. It’s just that, it was easier to do it when there was no one to come home to.”
Conn decided it was best to say nothing. It seemed like Derek was thinking things out and needed to come to his own words.
“Gabriel is not mine. Cal is not mine. Lorne is not mine. Not even Raphael when he was my partner was mine. No one has ever been mine. What we do together is… communal. We’re friends. There’s love, but it isn’t… exclusive. Isn’t…”
“Possessive?” Conn suggested.
“Yes,” Derek said. “And I feel possessive of you, and that’s wrong.”
“But you do possess me,” Conn said. “Or did you, with all that you do know, not know that?”
Derek looked almost comically in despair for a while and then he said, “How do I convince you that I love you?”
“It seems as if you are the one in need of convincing,” Conn said.
“No,” Derek shook his head and pushed his black hair from his face. “But how can you love me? Knowing what I do. What I will do? And how can I be envious of you looking at another man when…”
“When you more than look at several?”
“Yes.”
Conn shrugged.
“People are strange.”
Derek grimaced more than smiled, but he chuckled.
“Yes, Conn. People are. I am.”
“Maybe if you feel like this,” Conn began, “you should stop being a priest.”
Derek did not answer immediately, and then he said, “There… is something to that.”
Conn laughed outloud and he laughed so hard Derek turned around and looked at him with irritation.
“Oh, take that look off your face!” Conn said.
“I was fooling with you,” Conn told him. “A Blue Priest is what you are. I understand this and don’t think much about it. What you do with other men means little to me. Less than I thought it would. If you cannot grow up, I can. I am not only with you because I feel like I have to be. I have had no desire to be with anyone else but you.”
“Then know this,” Derek said, touching Conn’s hand. “A Blue is the only call I’ve ever known. It is a strong call. It is a vocation, truly, and when I serve in the temple it is pleasure to me. I feared you feeling the pleasure I feel with other men that I feel with them. But when it is done, and even when it is going on, I love you and you fit to me like no other, and when I am not serving, I look at no others. I long for no others but you.”
Conn thought, I wonder how that can be true, for the other night when he’d seen Jon twined with his sister, his first thought was envy, a hot wish that he was Nialla, a desire to run the back of his hand over the soft buttocks of Jon. He had never been with any other man than Derek simply because his longings were new, not because he was some creature of virtue, and he knew this. But he sensed that right now he could not tell Derek. He sensed that, as much as he was coming to love Derek Annaker, and as wise as Derek was in sex, he was not wise in love. So Conn said, “Tell me of Ekkrebeth, as you promised.”
“Ekkrebeth,” Derek began. Then, “Yes. We of the temple, we have a mild magic, all the ancient orders do. But once we were all mages. The Blue Mages now live in the north, and Ekkrebeth is of their number. He is the greatest of their number.”
“But who is Ekkrebeth?” Conn asked again.
“He is one of the Avayan.”
“And who are the Avayan?”
“They are the faces of the Gods. It is said the Gods are too mighty, to different from the world to enter it as themselves, and so they enter it through avatars. Annar entered as the Ard, this is what the New Faith says, and brought their new religion, and also he was Rava the Hero, and before that he was the Beloved Shepherd Adaon, whom we serve. It is said that he is Ekkrebeth as well, that Ekkrebeth is a face of the God Himself.”
“Is this true?”
“I do not know,” Derek said. Then, “I often think so, but cannot know for sure.”
“Why don’t you ask him?”
Derek bawked at this.
“You do not ask someone such things.”
“Maybe you do not,” Conn said. “But if I ever meet him, perhaps I will.”
Earlier that morning, Matteo and Quinton had woken up together and Matteo marveled at the small muscular body in his arms, always deeply tanned with the royal blood Quinto must have had in hims. He looked like a southerner what with his red lips and his face the gentle plains of his face, his nose aquiline like Matteo’s only what Matteo could not see as beautiful in himself was beautiful in this young boy sleeping in his arms, even in his sleep looking as serious as he looked sweet. His hair smelled of the lavender he’d washed in and his body smelled of the lovemaking from last night. He had kissed Quinton gently, and then, tthinking he was done, kissed him again and again until Quinton laughed and turned over drawing Matteo to him with his strong arms.
They had made love in the shower on their way to breakfast, and it had been at that breakfast they had heard Ekkrebeth was returned. Matteo thought this must have meant something, but also thought it had little to do with him. He knew who Ash was, and that he was a mage of great power, but he didn’t think he would have much to say to him and, at any road, he was caught up with Quinton because Quinton was Quinton and also because Quinton was the first sex he’d known for some time.
He still remembered last night, as they had shut the door, and holding turned to kissing and the kissing was more demanding and they had stropped quickly. Matt’s awe of Quinton was gone. He felt like they were two boys in love, like he had wanted to feel, but never been able to, and they had come together, not able to get enough of each other, not able to get enough of wrapping their arms and legs together, of simply lying in bed holding each other and burying their faces in each other’s shoulders. Of kissing, oh, the tender firmness of Quint’s lips, the perfection of his kiss, and of his tongue, and the gentleness of his long delicate hands. Was it possible that they’d spent an hour just touching, just running their hands over each other and marveling one at th0e other.
Matt wanted to give himself to Quinton. The little man was so beautiful and so powerful to him, and when they lay together Quint’s sex had risen up and it was thick, almost like a club, and thicker at the head, and Matteo had startled Quinot by taking it in his mouth, taking it down to his throat, not having enough of him.
They didn’t turn the golden lamp out, and Matt rejoiced to think that everyone in the rooms around kenw that he was giving himself to Quinton, that Conn would know why he had not come and understand that love was here. In the dim light, Matt looked down over Quinton’s shoulders and saw his buttocks, like the most perfect, round brown apples, rolling as Quinton moved between his thighs, saw them flexing as, at last, he opened for Quinton.
Quint took Matt’s hands in his face while he fucked him. His lips were parted and his eyes feverish, his face went a little pale, and beads of sweat were on his brow, coming from under his hair. He did it deliberately, and Matt took joy in the slamming of their bodies, took joy in his own cries, Quint made no noise put bit his lip or opened his mouth, closed his eyes or looked into Matt’s and as Quint fucked him, it hurt, It was as if he could feel him growing bigger and bigger inside him, and Matt contracted himself trying to feel all of the pleasure and all of the ache of him. He cried with a little sadness when Quint shuddered and he felt him coming inside of him, knew it was over. But while it lasted it lasted forever, no quick coming, but a jutting and jutting and another jutting, a stop, a spurting, a long spurt, a flow that, while Quint still lay exhausted between his legs, still arched over him, flowed out of Matt onto the bedsheets.
All that day they stayed in Quint’s room and as the evening came, and as they had seen Derek walking off with Conn, telling him they needed to talk, Quinton asked, “Are you going to be one of us now? Now you can have your novice’s robe.”
“What is the difference between me saying yes and me saying no and becoming your lover?”
And then Matt said, “That was forward. You may not even want me like that. Maybe you just wanted me for today. That was forward.”
Matt turned around as if to get out of bed and Quint caught his arm in his strong grip.
“I do want you like that. Ninny,” he added. “But if we’re going to be lovers and you’re not going to be a Blue, we’re going to have some hard conversations, rather like the one I suspect Derek and Conn are having. If you take the Blue Robe I will be your instructor and I will bring you into my world, and we will share it together, and I really think that’s best.”
“I came to be a Blue,” Matt said. “I was… tired of being touched and didn’t think I’d ever want a man to touch me again. And now you have and I feel opened again. I came to be a Blue. I will take the Blue.”
MORE IN A FEW NIGHTS