CHAPTER SIX CONTINUED
When he arrived, he patted the seat and told Chay, “Com’on, let’s go.”
And then Chay knew they weren’t going to work. Casey was wearing some cologne and smelled really good. For the first time Chay understood what was attractive about him. What Casey did, and what Casey had done was always on the borders of his mind, not really registering. They drove to the Hasty Tasty on Dorr Road, and Casey said, still chipper: “Get whatever you want.”
It was late summer then, and the sun was just setting. They could sit outside and watch the cars go by. Chay got the crunchy fries and chicken sandwich because he was tired of burgers. He had a large chocolate shake, and as Casey sat in the car beside him, eating and smiling at him, Chay waited for what Casey had to say.
“So… I’ve been talking to Logan.”
Ah, there it was.
Chay raised an eyebrow.
“He said something about…. You and sex.”
Chay took a long pull on his shake, and then said: “Yes.”
“You’re much too young.”
“I bet I’m the same age you were.”
“I bet you might be a little older actually,” Casey said, apologetically. “But you’re still too young.”
“I… I’ve seen things. I have feelings.”
“I know you do,” Casey said. “I know you do, believe me.”
“And everyone around me—”
“Okay, no,” Casey cut him off.
Chay looked at him.
“Everyone around you, your father included, sold ass, turned tricks and shot pornos where they got gang banged so if you’re looking for the gold standard, sorry kid, you don’t get to turn to your elders. Except James, I guess. That’s just the way it is.”
“But it’s not fair!” Chay forgot himself.
“No, you’re right, Chay. It isn’t. And I know it’s everyone’s fault. It’s Noah’s fault just cause he’s Noah and you’re not going to be a pornstar and then not have kids who aren’t fucked up about sex. You’re just not. And it’s my fault for keeping you around the shit. You came to me for work, and I hired you. I thought I’d kept you safe.”
“I am safe, and I need to work—”
“And it’s Logan’s fault for taking you with him. It’s all our faults for surrounding a kid with sex and then expecting him not to do it.”
“What if…? What if…?” Chay stammered. “What if I would have wanted it anyway? I wanted it long before I worked for you. I mean, I’m a guy. And it’s not fair to deprive me.”
Casey threw back his head and laughed.
Chay looked at him, angry.
“Deprive you?” Casey said. “Are you kidding?”
“No.”
“What….” Casey began. “What do you think…? Where do you think we all come from? You think,” Casey was laughing at him, “that a single person you see in my house isn’t fucked up?”
“Everyone’s fucked up.”
“No,” Casey said, louder than he intended, gesticulating with his cheeseburger and milkshake. “Everyone is not. There is an unfathomable level of fucked-upness that makes a grown man say I’m going to work out, lift weights, eat right—most of the time—so that I can look good giving blowjobs to other good looking men, and people will see me do it online and I’ll be a star. I mean, between you and me, you know that what I do is pretty fucked up, right?”
“Well, people like it, so it must not be that fucked up.”
“It is fucked up, and watch the language.”
Chay opened his mouth to protest that, but then just sank into his seat.
“I’m going to have sex,” he said.
“Well…. Not with that old guy you won’t. And not as an escort.”
“I don’t care anymore,” Chay said. “It’s going to happen. I don’t care how. I’m not the only gay guy at my school. There are places… you know?”
“Places?” Casey looked at him, for the first time like a very threatening parent.
“Well…” the boy stammered. “You have to know. I mean, you must know.”
“You’re talking bathrooms and truck stops and…”
“And whatever! What’s it matter? I mean, this side of a sitcom or some bullshit like that, there is no way I’m going to have a real boyfriend. And if I do, it’s going to be just as bad as turning tricks. I mean guys are assholes. Guys are stupid.”
Casey sank into his seat, and then sucked the last of his shake, the rattling, sucking, hollow noise following.
“Chay Lewis, as your… as your fucking elder, I forbid you to do this. I forbid you to run out and find some crazy shifty bastard to have sex with.”
And then Chay said it outloud.
“If you just did the job yourself, then you wouldn’t have to worry about that. Would you?”
Casey swung into the house having come from the General Dollar.
“Did you know they have Juicy Juice and coffee makers there?” he demanded. “They’ve got everything.”
“Yup,” Chay nodded. “Noah shops there all the time.”
“Well, goddamn,” Casey marveled, putting the bag on the table. “He’s been holding out on me. Think fast!”
Casey tossed a bag at Chay, and when the boy caught it he saw it was Cheetos.
“Fifty cents cheaper than at Martins when they’re on sale,” Casey said.
Carefully, Chay pulled the cellophane bag open. He offered it to Casey.
“Nope. All yours, short man.”
Chay popped one into his mouth and then Casey said, “We got a lot of work tonight. I gotta put up my Christmas site. It’s cheesy, but the fags love it.
“And you know, when I say fag I’m not being disparaging, cause I’m a fag too. Fuck all that straight acting shit.”
Chay’s mouth was full of Cheetos, and he waited to be finished chewing before he said, “But you are pretty straight acting.”
“That’s bullshit. A man’s a man, and a man who sucks cocks and takes it up the ass is a queer. It doesn’t need to get any more complicated than that.”
Having uncomplicated things, Casey, in jeans and a grey sweat jacket went to the computer and turned it on, tapping his foot while the old tower hummed to life.
“I should lose this bitch and get a laptop.”
Before he lost his nerve, Chay said: “Casey?”
“Yeah?”
“I haven’t forgotten.”
He put the bag down and wiped his mouth clean of yellow cheese dust.
“Forgotten what?” Casey said paying a great deal of attention to the screen.
“What I asked you. What I said.”
“You gotta be kidding me, Chay. You gotta be half crazy.”
“Maybe I’m crazy all the way. But… I’d like it to be you. I want it to be you.”
“Lots of people want it to be me,” Casey gestured to the computer with a laugh.
Chay’s facial expression did not change as he held Casey’s gaze. Casey, nervous and unable to dissemble, ducked his head.
“Actually, lots of people don’t know me at all. No one wants it to be me. They want it to be the guy we’re going to put on line tonight.”
“I’m scared,” Chay said.
Casey looked at him.
“I want it to happen, and I’m scared, Casey. I’m scared cause I know it’ll happen with some… horrible person. And, I’m not scared of you. I trust you.”
Casey sat down in his office chair, and while the computer screen cast a blue light on his face, he put his head in his hands.
“Chay…” he said. “You’re a kid.”
“I’m fifteen.”
“That’s a kid. I’m too old.”
“Not really. You’re just… you’re not even old as Noah, and Noah was too young to be my dad. Everyone knows that.”
“You’re too young,” Casey said.
“You want me to wait till I’m eighteen?”
“Ideally? Yes.” Casey said, looking at him, and taking his hands through his hair.
Chay came to him. He felt like the two of them were reversed. It was true. No one was here. No one was here much of the time. Casey didn’t have anyone. Casey was his friend. And right now he looked uncertain. He looked a little afraid. Chay took Casey’s hand in his own.
“Please.”
“Don’t beg,” Casey said, simply.
“I don’t want you to be afraid.”
Casey tried to bawk from the accusation.
“I’m not afraid,” he said.
“Then you’ll do it?”
“Yes,” he said. He got up and pulled Chay up with him. Casey wasn’t tall, but Chay was still a head shorter than him.
He’d said yes. He had said yes and now Chay was trembling so hard he thought he’d faint. He loved Casey. That was true. He’d been wanting this since before he suggested it. It had been one of those things that could never happen. And Casey wasn’t going to hurt him. Casey smelled so good right now, and as Chay held onto him, he felt so good. Casey lifted him up simply and said, “Come on, little brother, let’s do this.”
As Casey took him out of the living room, Chay said, “Casey?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t just… rush through it. Make it nice. Please.”
Casey looked irritated, and then his face changed.
“Of course I will,” he said, kissing him on the head.
“You’re not saying anything.”
“I didn’t want to say the wrong thing,” Chay said in the dark. “And then everything feels so right.”
His face was in Casey’s chest. He was nervous about taking any control; he pulled himself close to Casey, and was rewarded by Casey’s body tightening around him.
“I know,” Casey said.
“You’re surprised?”
“I thought I’d be in hell right now.”
Chay chuckled.
“No,” Casey said. “Seriously.”
“I didn’t know you believed in hell.”
“Sometimes I do. Like when I sleep with fifteen year old boys.”
“You do this all the time?”
“It’s not funny, Chay,” Casey said. And then, in a more tender voice, “None of this in funny.”
“Do you mind if I stay the night? If we stay together?”
“No, I don’t mind at all.”
“Good,” Chay nestled back into his arms again, Casey’s body feeling solid and warm against him.
“Chay,” Casey said.
“Yeah.”
“You know this is a one time thing, right? You know it can’t ever happen again. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Yes,” Chay said. “I know.”
And that was how it all began.
