The Closet Door is Locked

[alan1029smith]

So, I just thought I'd share my experiences as a closeted teenager struggling to come out. Let me start by saying that I am 100% gay. In other words, I have no sexual feelings toward women whatsoever - only men. I have known I was gay since I was 12 years old, though I remained, for a year or so afterward, emphatically and violently self-hating. I eventually accepted myself and my homosexuality. I am now 19 years old, and I am not ashamed of my homosexuality, nor do I feel that I should be.

I do not come from an intolerant home. In fact, my parents appear to have no problem with homosexuals, as we no longer attend church (we were never really active church-goers to begin with). In fact, I recall my mom and dad criticizing my neighbors behind their backs for their support of Proposition 8. I attended a very accepting high school with numerous LGBTQ support groups. Most of my friends are adamantly supportive of gay rights, and some of them even have friends that are gay themselves.

Considering all this, why is it that I am still not able to come out of the closet? Could it be a personality issue unrelated to the stigma of coming out? Or could it be a general lack of confidence?

I like to think that I have some sort of anxiety issue. I'm completely incapable of dealing with awkward situations. I can barely discuss the act of kissing with my parents without cringing. For the longest time, I acted like a prudish goody two-shoes around my friends, covering my ears like a child when someone so much as uttered the word "sex." For some reason, I have never been comfortable around people. This has made it particularly difficult to come out.

Sometimes, I wish people would just assume that I'm gay. That would make it so much easier. Unfortunately, I tend to act very straight - an irreversible habit I developed through years of hiding in the closet. Recently, I have gone to various lengths to help people connect the dots, like dressing and acting more "gay." It hasn't worked. In spite of all the supportive people around me, I can't seem to reach out to anyone, and I continue to grow more and more isolated.

I want to come out and begin living my life, but I don't want to have to look people in the eyes and tell them myself. Heck, I can barely look people in the eyes and ask them what time it is! I feel as though coming out won't help me that much, seeing as I will still be plagued by my existing insecurities. I don't want to find, upon coming out, that I'm not any better off than I was before. I can't even say for certain that I would be accepted into the "gay community." All of the gay people I know are so confident and happy - everything that I am not. And why should they accept me anyway? Most gays have had to overcome real struggles, like bullies at school or intolerant parents. All the while, my only obstacle appears to be myself.

Does anyone have any similar experiences? If so, what advice can you give me? Please try to be understanding.

 

[Seasoned]

You are holding the key to the locked closet. It even sounds like you have your hand on it but are afraid to turn it.

I can relate. I went so far as to marry a woman and have kids, who I adore, by the way, but that's another issue.

It sounds like you have friends, which is good, but you also have social anxiety issues, which can be corrected. You can seek therapy, but you can also self-treat by taking some risks.

You are entitled to as much space and air as anyone else. If you're willing to put on your big boy pants you can start with a new small risk every day-asking a stranger for the time, asking for directions even if you know them, not averting your eyes or lowering you head as you pass someone. All this is self-help therapy and it's how I began my journey.

Contact the local chapter of Toastmasters, an organization devoted to overcome the fear of public speaking and call your local community college to see if they offer assertiveness training. Get to the local bookstore and brouse the self-help section.

One on one therapy will be slow with these same suggestions, but group therapy might offer quicker relieve.

Bottom line? Feel the fear and do it anyway. You've got the desire. You'll be fine. PM me anytime.

 

[anchihiro]

Sounds like you have a touch of social anxiety disorder.
Coming out is not going to change that, but it will make you internally feel better. You can exhale.

I say go for it, you've got gay friendly parents and friends.

 

[KaraBulut]

Backing up a for a moment...

What do you consider "coming out"? And how would your life be different once you took that step?

 

[MindBlast]

If you're very introverted, it can be hard to come out. I used to be like that in early high school, but bit the bullet and came out. After that, everything else was easy.

I used to have trouble introducing myself. I couldn't even say my own first name without feeling weird.

 

[makeurowndstny]

You probably have a form of an anxiety disorder. You may have an anxiety towards being unaccepted. Who knows. All I can say is just come out. Maybe you should do friends first.

 

[bankside]

Most people will not enjoy a conversation with their parents about their sexuality. But most people never have to bother because it is just assumed of them.

And you're trying to dress and act in ways to dislodge that assumption. Well, gayness is not so much about dressing and acting anyway; it's about the person in your life.

The best way to come out to family may be just to not come out at all, but when you've found someone, just introduce him as your boyfriend.

 

[makeurowndstny]

I agree with the dressing "gay" doesn't mean anything... to be honest, I see more straight men dressed "gay" than gay ones haha

 

[alan1029smith]

Thanks for all of the advice, everyone. I think you guys are right. I researched social anxiety disorder and discovered that I have many of the symptoms, which is exactly what I expected. Perhaps, if I can overcome my social anxiety disorder, coming out will be much easier. I don't even think my problem is coming out, seeing I've been intentionally hinting to everyone that I'm gay for years. I think my problem is the social interaction aspect of it.