the closet: how many valid reasons?

[Austin40acres]

How about, in this homophobic society, I choose not to define myself based SOLELY on my sexuality?

I don't discriminate, I don't participate in activities that discriminate, I support causes that are open to homosexuality, I actively participate in many causes that support homosexuality.

Just because I choose to keep my private life private doesn't mean I'm hate-filled and support many of the consequences you've identified.

I often wish that Str8's would keep their private lives to themselves as well.

Is that good enough to stay in the closet? That my sexuality is none of your (or anyone else's business)?

A4A

 

[tonyboy]

How about, in this homophobic society, I choose not to define myself based SOLELY on my sexuality?

I don't discriminate, I don't participate in activities that discriminate, I support causes that are open to homosexuality, I actively participate in many causes that support homosexuality.

Just because I choose to keep my private life private doesn't mean I'm hate-filled and support many of the consequences you've identified.

I often wish that Str8's would keep their private lives to themselves as well.

Is that good enough to stay in the closet? That my sexuality is none of your (or anyone else's business)?

A4A

I agree with this too.

And BTW - while I'm not out.... I've never 'cowered' in any closet. I don't choose to make an issue of my sexuality, it's not important to anyone besides myself. If I had a b/f or a partner things may be different, but since I don't I cannot see how it is anyones business.

 

[Soilwork]

Meh.

I grow tired of people blaming the rest of the world for their inability to live their lives on their own terms.

"Oh.. society is not accepting of gay people and I live for the accpetence of others".

But hey.. your life.

Just rememer that while you maybe pleasing others by pretending to be straight, those same people won't be doing your looking back with regret for you.

 

[Croynan]

How about, in this homophobic society, I choose not to define myself based SOLELY on my sexuality?

I don't discriminate, I don't participate in activities that discriminate, I support causes that are open to homosexuality, I actively participate in many causes that support homosexuality.

Just because I choose to keep my private life private doesn't mean I'm hate-filled and support many of the consequences you've identified.

I often wish that Str8's would keep their private lives to themselves as well.

Is that good enough to stay in the closet? That my sexuality is none of your (or anyone else's business)?

A4A

A Superb posting. Well Done.

What ever my sexuality may or may not be, is of concern to one person only, my self, and I am not so sure of him as it is.

But given that, I see no reason for my to make judgments on any others as to how they decide to lead their lives. To do so is to intrude in their privacy and space and their psychological make up. That is and in my opinion, should always be the sole decision of the individual involved. It is a line that i at no time, have the right to cross and or to question.

random thoughts by the local village idiot, who just happens not to be that bright.

eM.

 

[antdak]

Why do we have to come out of the coset in the first place? Is it not our choice, or even our RIGHT?? If one chooses to come out, we choose who to come out to and when or even if we want to. We cannot pass blame on them, there are many many more factors then was listed here. Religion can play a very big part in not coming out!

 

[slobone]

I was just reading about a guy who was kidnapped in Iraq by terrorists. His boyfriend, stateside, decided this wouldn't be the best time in the world to "out" the guy, so he kept his mouth shut. Eventually the guy was released and they're living happily ever after, one presumes.

So there's one good reason to stay in the closet: so you won't be executed by terrorists.

Can't think of many others. At best it's a compromise, so your parents don't freak out, or your grandmother doesn't write you out of her will, or you don't get fired.

But for most people these are just excuses, and the real reason is they're afraid to come out.

 

[ahotjock71]

Fine postings by austin, tony & croynan, BUT

The rationale you present is affected by society and what is accepted as normal. Otherwise, you would live your life on your own terms, and really not care what people thought about your sexuality, see?

It's not about wearing your sexuality on your sleeve, it's about just being who you are. And being gay is part of who you are. By "passing" you reinforce the ideal of keeping your identity hidden equals less conflict and more acceptance.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[sb]

After your early 20's I don't think there are any valid reasons.

With so many people lying about and ashamed of their sexuality it isn't any wonder that there are a few people out there with homophobic opinions..... if you don't like yourself why would anybody else?

 

[aaronp]

i think ultimately it boils down to a fear, but to say that fear is unwarrented is simply turning a blind eye and riding the high horse. for some, their physical and emotional well being is based on not wearing their sexuality on their sleeve. being closested does not necessarily mean assimilating into society as a heterosexual.
each case is a sensitive matter, personally, i knew i was in no physical harm in coming out, and that is what eventually lead to me coming out.
but i by no means will belittle the immense amount of emotional damage done to me simply by coming out. Being told by someone you love that they no longer love you simply for your personal life hurts. and you can play the ,"they never loved you to begin with" card, but the fact remains that at least one party was emotionally attached.
either way, i dont think any one person is in any place to say someone should or should not come out.

 

[_AJ_]

i havent told anyone yet but if someone asks me ill say yes i am

amd iam just waiting till i feel comfortable to tell my family
waiting to feel comfortable is a good reason for me as long as it dosent take to long

 

[sparky95]

I for one have less and less sympathy for closeted men as I get older. As others have stated there ARE good reasons to stay in the closet such as being in real physical danger. However it more often seems an excuse for those who can pass as "straight" to look down on those who are openly gay. Anyway, staying in the closet is sometime a LUXURY that some people are not granted. For those of us who are too feminine, who have been "caught out" with a man, or just disinclined to lie about ourselves the closet is just not an option. It was the boys who left the closet (and often paid for it) that got the whole gay rights ball rolling.......

 

[Swellegant]

The validity of reasons is in the eye of the beholder... or rather, the holder. Everyone believes his own reasoning to be perfectly valid. And on a case-by-case basis, I suppose it is, insofar as we create our own reality.

But I've simply never understood it. I have always been terribly defiant by nature, and I cannot understand why one would acquiesce to other people's incorrect opinions.

Sure, I want to not just be accepted but to be loved and admired by the entire world, unreservedly; but when I am not accepted, I never think it's because of something I did, it's because you need to go fuck yourself with a sharp stick.

Even my Grandmother, to whom I owe considerably more toadying and groveling in gratitude than anyone else in the world, is not allowed to talk shit about homosexuality. She can think it's a sin, she can think anything she wants... but she's not allowed to talk about it. And in return I don't talk about it either.

She knows, I know she knows, she knows I know she knows, and that's all we need to know. But if she came out and said "I will not accept you unless you do something about this dreadful homosexuality," I would say "It's been jolly nice knowing you, and I hope you have a nice life. Toodles!"

And I simply do not comprehend why people don't take this stance, not only to their families but to the entire world.

However, I do comprehend that we're all different, and I would never judge another man until I'd walked a mile in his shoes. I've never been in a closet, I don't know what it feels like, and I cannot preach on a topic about which I know nothing.

All I can say is that being out isn't nearly as scary as a lot of people seem to think. I'm a total pussy about pain and discomfort, and an even bigger pussy about rejection: and if I can be out and proud and even flamboyant about it, anybody can.

 

[treanir]

I know of a valid reason:
If you live in Iran (or any other state which punishes homosexuality by death - or by a prison sentence). That would be enough for me to hide deep.

 

[NickCole]

I would hide if my life were threatened and I didn't have the means to defend myself.

Otherwise, I'm not demeaning myself for anybody's prejudices.

Why hand my power over to them?

I'm gay. So what?

 

[Nonimus]

Slobone Wrote:

So there's one good reason to stay in the closet: so you won't be executed by terrorists.

You know, my Dad once told me, 'Son, if you ever get kidnapped and held hostage by a terrorist militia in Iraq - whatever you do - don't tell them you're gay!'

Well it was either a terrorist group or my grandmother - I forgot, i came out so long ago...

 

[Smitho]

Ok, so bar being held hostage by terrorists, I hope a very unlikely situation for me at least, although you never know, when I think even the most enthusiastic gay prider may stay in the closet to avoid execution, IMO there are very few other excuses, and for the "my sexuality does not define me" brigade, I think that as you come out of the closet, your sexuality defines you less, as you are not constantly thinking about it, you are not worried, "Oh, am I going to be outed or do I look gay?" so you can relax and the other parts of your personailty, that have been hiding behind the paranoid about being outed parts can start to also get some air time.

It is a relaxing and liberating feeling not to worry about being gay anymore, and it all contibutes to being gay defining you less, in your own mind anyway.

But it is up to you when you come out, and this is just my opinion,

 

[CuriousMonkey]

There is only 1 valid reason for remaining in the closet: personal preference, also known as free will or freedom of choice. No other reasons are needed, as the individual is ultimately in the posiion of best authority to make such a life decision.

That said - I have great admiration for the people I've met who live their lives openly and honestly. I think it is the only way to eliminate the stigma we suffer, and get others to understand that their fears are unfounded and that their stereotypes do not apply to all of us.

 

[blackbeltninja]

I find myself agreeing with Austin and Tony at first, but then both Soil's and (gasp!) ahotjock71's postings really do strike a chord in me.

And while I have always been an advocate for the side of having your mind blown from time to time, this particular one is going to distract me for the rest of the day and probably beyond.

-d-

 

[twardmo]

in my town, I'd probably be lynched if i came out.

 

[Lube]

Wow, too many great posts to be able to mention them all. But basically AHotJock71, Soilwork, T-Zero, and Robert-Márlène really nailed it.

Since most of us don't live in Iran, that's a pretty lame excuse.

The only excuse I can see is if you're young and living at home and financiallly dependent on your parents and they might kick you out. However, once you're 18, then, you should get a job and get out of the house ASAP even if your standard of living is greatly reduced. Your self esteem and pride is far more important than your standard of living.

I didn't come out to the world until I was 43, but that's because I didn't come out to myself until 6 months ago. Once I admitted what my sexual preference was, I needed some time (6 months) to get my act together, and then came out to the world. I don't wear my sexuality on my sleeve, but I won't hide it either. It doesn't define me, but it certainly is part of me; a part I refuse to hide.

And for all those people who are hiding in the closet:

Get over yourselves. You're not hiding anything! Everyone knows! Everyone is talking about you behind your back.

If I had a dollar for everyone who said, "Well, we always suspected...", I'd be a millionaire!