the closet: how many valid reasons?

[Soilwork]

mitch, reasoning with closeted people is like talking to a wall.

Most of them are so scared that someone might lump them in the with gay people they look down on that they'll end up attacking you instead of attempting to listen to your points.

It's like trying to talk someone who's scared of heights to go up in the CN tower.

 

[Christopher123]

[*]You're at work and your boyfriend calls. A friendly co-worker answers the phone and has to get you. This happens a lot. Finally the co-worker asks you, "Who is the guy that calls you a lot?"

Tell him it's my boyfriend. And I have. I've been there done that already.

But even still, if it's my boyfriend or one of my roommates, it's not the business of my co-worker who calls me all the time.

[*]If you and a guest are invited to a company Holiday party or event what are you gonna do?

Take my boyfriend and tell them it's boyfriend.

I'm not ashamed of who and what I am. I'm not afraid to tell people that I'm gay. If they need to know. But why should they need to know? And why should I volunteer the information if someone doesn't ask?

Like I said, the people that matter to me (which is most everyone involved in my life) know that I'm gay. Family members that I rarely associate with or people that don't have any impact on my life whatsoever? I don't care if they know or not and I'm not gonna go out of my way to tell them. If they know? That's great. If not? Oh freakin well.

I'm gay. I like who I am. I accept who I am. And I wouldn't change it for the world. But that doesn't mean the world HAS to know every detail of my life.

 

[Swellegant]

You know, being out, being visibly gay, is not really about privacy or what's anybody else's business. It's about social responsibility. As gay people, we all have a responsibility to make Gay easier for the coming generations, to make it easier for people to feel comfortable in their own skins, to help them feel safe and loved and part of something bigger than themselves.

One of the things that works against the gay minority is that we are largely invisible. For every out-there gay man or woman whom everyone knows is gay, there are another ten who are somewhere between "totally closeted" and "somewhat discreet." And all of those people allow the bigots to believe that the one-out-of-ten gay people are all there are of us. These people think of us as a distant, not-really-human "Other," never realizing exactly how many homosexuals are actually in their midsts, completely disguised or just being politely quiet about it.

I do believe in an individual's right to privacy, and I definitely believe in an individual's right to order his or her affairs as s/he sees fit. But there comes a time in all of our lives where we have to weigh our personal needs against the greater good, when we have to do something that is not in our best interest in order to do something that is in the best interest of our fellows.

If you weigh those different needs, and decide that you're not brave enough, or not selfless enough, or not interested enough... well, that's OK. It's not right, necessarily, but it's understandable, and it is ultimately your choice. We have to pick our battles, and an army of martyrs does little good.

But don't hide behind "it's nobody's business." Everything you do is somebody's business; every action we take, or neglect to take, has repercussions beyond our own personal spheres. How much responsibility we are willing to shoulder for those ever-widening ripples in the pond is an individual choice, but those ripples are still there, we are resonsible for them, and actions we take without being responsible to them are, obviously, irresponsible.

Just something to think about; it's been on my mind while I was away from my desk. I now return you to your regular programming.

 

[Soilwork]

I'm gay. I like who I am. I accept who I am. And I wouldn't change it for the world. But that doesn't mean the world HAS to know every detail of my life.

wait.. then your'e as out as me.

I mean, nobody is saying that you have to give every detail of your life.

I have very close friends who are couples... I still dont' know what they do in bed.. if there's a top or a bottom or if they're both switch hitters.

I dont' care.

But yeah, I've never hidden being gay since I was about 18.. why start now?

 

[Christopher123]

wait.. then your'e as out as me.

I'm out, yes. Maybe not to everyone. Maybe not to the world. Because I still stand by the same thing, that it's nobody's damn business unless I wanna MAKE it their business. That doesn't mean I'm hiding. I'm not hiding anything. But I'm not gonna go out of my way to make sure people KNOW I'm gay if they're not particularly interested. Or even if they are interested. Tough freakin shit.

But if someone (and they have) comes up to me and says, "Dude, are you gay?"

I say, "Yep... I am."

My roommates (both females, best friends) the rest of my friends, most of my co-workers and everyone I hang out with at my bar every Friday night, they all know. And my sister knows. My parents both died before I had a chance to tell them, although it wouldn't have made a difference to my dad because he disowned me long before he died anyway. But yes, everyone that touches my life directly knows that I'm gay. And aren't they the only ones that should matter?

And, of course, you guys know. That matters to me too.

Everyone else can piss off. If they wanna know? They can ask me. Otherwise I don't rightly care who knows what.

 

[Soilwork]

Everyone else can piss off. If they wanna know? They can ask me. Otherwise I don't rightly care who knows what.

OK, I was kinda with you up until this part.

I don't care who else knows.

I mean, yeah, I DO have that website for gay bikers with my picutres all over it and that.

I'll hold hands with my BF if I feel like it and Ill hug and kiss my friends in public when I'm happy to see them.

And I dont' seem to be as angry as you about the whole thing.

 

[Christopher123]

And I dont' seem to be as angry as you about the whole thing.

Aww, I'm not angry about it. The only thing that really makes me 'angry' is when people tell me I'm 'hiding' just because I choose not to go around making myself public.

Don't mind me, I'm just having a really bad week and it comes out in some of the things I post. Long story that I won't bore anyone here with, but I've been really upset about something and sometimes I shoot my mouth off.

I mean no offense to anyone. I've just got a lot on my mind right now. And I tend to get 'tudish when I'm depressed about something.

 

[Soilwork]

I'm still trying to ferret out how these strange advances in gay rights are occurring across the world...

Could it be because those crass, pushy queers are doing all the heavy lifting out there, while the guys who just happen to be sexually attracted to other men are sitting back lifting their eyebrows with disdain?

I think that's a lot of it.

I did a lot of activism when I was younger, and I feel like a lot of the advancements in my rights are due at least in a very small part to some of the work I did at that age.

Sure, there's always the whiney fags out there who compalin that they're not "Prancing through the streets, shouting it from the roof tops" and such, but they sure do love that they can't get fired for being gay, thrown in jail for being gay, evicted from their apartments for being gay, lose their children for being gay......

 

[Joshua_me]

Just rememer that while you maybe pleasing others by pretending to be straight, those same people won't be doing your looking back with regret for you.

^^^READ THIS^^^

For all the S I may give you, J, this is the most profound statement I've read
on this site.

To put my own spin on it....

Folks: No one has any more or less validity than you yourself do on this
planet. You can live your life anyway you choose to, but you can live it for
yourself, or to please other people...

But, I can guarantee you that no one spends their last moments on their 'death bed' thinking, "Well, thank God I made *everyone else* happy..."

You are YOU !

If you're gay, then Goddammit, be proud of it !

Trust me, as upset as some friends and family may be that I'm a 'great big
homo', when I'm 'six feet under' No one is going to say, "Well, thank heaven he never stood up for himself !"

Food for thought.

Josh

 

[slobone]

Hmm, I really need to keep up with these threads. Haven't read all the posts, so I'll just throw in a few random points.

There's a difference between privacy and being in the closet.

Privacy just means not wanting to talk about the details of your personal life.

Being in the closet means you are in denial. Definitely to others, but almost always to yourself as well.

If the number of people in your life besides yourself who know you're gay is zero, then you're in the closet.

You can't say that the situation is the same for straight people and gay people, because it's not. If a straight person wants to keep his sex life private, that doesn't mean he's in a closet of some sort. He's not going to deny it if people ask him if he likes girls. The closet doesn't exist in their world.

Also, nobody's saying that you must come out, it's your political duty (at least I'm not). Obviously everybody's situation is different. How and when you do it can be very important, to minimize the pain for all concerned.

But if you plan to keep it to yourself your whole life, you're going to be very unhappy.

And guys who are still in the closet need to know you don't have to come out all at once. You can tell one person next week, and maybe not tell the next person till next year. Some people you may never tell.

If you think nobody knows you're gay, you're probably wrong. Parents may deliberately shut their eyes and not want to know. But your coworkers, and especially your friends, have probably already figured it out. So why not come out and get it over with?

I still say most of the reasons people give for staying in are rationalizations to cover up their fear. That's OK, we've all been there. But at least if you recognize what's really going on in your head, you can start thinking about how to fix it.

 

[Kurn]

Ten years from now if not sooner I hope it will be considered perfectly OK to talk about what's going on "inside."

 

[me12121]

My reason for being in the closet is because I don't have anyone to come out to. Well I could come out to my parents, but religion is their life so I don't want to suffer the repercussions of coming out to them. Also, my dad would probably just make fun of me if I came out, since that's all he seems to ever do. Other than them, I don't really have anyone to come out to. If I actually had friends, maybe I would be able to come out to someone. I don't know since I've never been in a situation where I'd have the chance to come out to anyone other than my parents.

 

[Soilwork]

yeah, I used to hang exclusively with gay men in Toronto, and we used to hang out at a gay pub on Wednesday Martini night. After a few weeks of this, one of the waiters pulled me aside and asked me "what is a bunch of straight guys doing hanging out in a gay pub?"

and I'm like "well... one of the guys is gay, but you have to guess who".

NONE of the staff guessed me.

when we told them, they were aghast.

I'm not bragging at all.. I'm just pointing out that stereotypes mean shit and we need to stop thinking that calling yourself "gay" means anything other than being gay.

 

[sparky95]

I can definitely relate with you. I have the same problem

Well ,you guys are already a little bit out to us now, and you will find someone to out yourself to soon I'm betting!