The Friendship Is Over

[MorrisseyX]

I am tired of trying to be strong. I miss my close friend and I don't quite know what to do about it? How do I move on from this? Maybe doing nothing is the best thing to do? Today is Friday and I feel lousy. It has taken me a while to process but I don't know if the six year friendship can be saved. I feel like he just doesn't care about me anymore. I took a chance I called him Saturday night last week. He said he "knew" that I would call but he just didn't know "when" I would call. I don't know what to think of this statement. Was he waiting for me to call and why?

I guess actions speak louder then words. A friendship should be mutual not one sided. I think the key for me is to continue putting myself out there in this world and trying to meet new people regardless of their gender. I would like to make new friends I don't care if they are male or female.

We have had some difficulty I acknowledge this but why didn't he call me? Why did he wait for me to call?
I will admit for most of the six years of the friendship he did most of the phone calling. However, I feel we should stay in the present and not try to keep score. The issue is what is going on right now between us.

I have always treated him with respect. Sometimes I wonder has he really forgotten about me after knowing me for six years? I guess it is easier for him since he has a lot of friends to forget me.

I realize feeling unhappy is not a good feeling. I also realize I focused too much attention on him and not enough on myself and my needs and desires. I am now trying to focus more on what I want. But it is hard to lose a close friend a very good friend I had for six long years.

I let him know I am no longer "angry" that the romantic relationship did not work out. I let him know that.

He is not out and his father answered the telephone he said was eating dinner and he would call me back in about half an hour. He did call we talked for an hour and a half. After that he said he needed to use the washroom and he called again and we talked for another hour.

We talked about the issue of coming out and the difficulty he has being South Asian and gay. He says he is most concerned about his father. I realize there is nothing I can do about his family.

I attended a support group last week Friday and that was helpful. I am looking into volunteering as well.

Around midnight I decided I was on the phone for too long I was getting tired so I ended the conversation. I let him know that I missed the friendship and I stressed that this is what I really missed the friendship. He told me he missed me as well. However, I have to discern through his actions that maybe he doesn't want to be friends anymore? Maybe the brief romantic relationship we had really did ruin the friendship?

If only we both resisted the temptation. I wish I never slept with him I miss my friend.

This is hard for me because I have known him for six years and he was my best friend. I feel like he is cutting me out of his life. I had no idea this would be painful. I have not contacted him this week I have been writing in my journal processing my thoughts.

He is the one that said he saw me as one of his "closest friends" so why is he distancing himself from me? He is the one that did not "want" a romantic relationship because he is not out to his family. It took me a while to realize that there is no romantic future for us but I would like to maintain a friendship. And this is the reason why I called him last week Saturday to try to reassure him if he had any doubts about my sincerity.

Now I feel like giving up. What is the point anymore? This entire week I have not heard from him. It is hard to admit this but I feel like he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I just have to accept this fact and move on. I don't feel like contacting him again because I feel like last week Saturday I tried my best to reach out to him. I don't think there is anything more I can do.

 

[crzyrazn]

I'm sorry. The sad truth is friendships are never the same after romantic involvement, maybe in an ideal world...but we have to be realistic and face some hard truths. Coupled with the fear of his family's rejection if they ever found out has also destroyed any possibility of your old friendship. Move on, man. You have to stop dwelling on it. You're the only reason that is standing in the way of your happiness because you refuse to let go. LET GO!

 

[josher]

You've learned a very valuable lesson. When a friend says they're not interested in a romantic relationship, but you pursue it anyway, it almost always ends this way. No romance and no friendship.

Of course it takes two to tango, so he is at fault in this too. I'm just guessing that you were more aggressive about pursuing this than he was. If not, I apologize.

It's possible he's keeping you at arm's length, because he fears his father will find out that you're gay and draw the same implication about his son. Closeted people who are afraid of being "caught out' usually try to avoid anyone or anything that might out them.

I hope you'll take every opportunity to make some more good friends.

 

[MorrisseyX]

I appreciate your comments. I have definitely learned a very valuable lesson about dealing with closeted men. I wish I had more insight into this sooner rather than later.

I definitely feel he is keeping me at arm's length I haven't seen him in about a month.

I know this will sound like a stupid question but "how" does a person "let go?" after knowing someone for six years? It is hard I am trying I guess I will have to try harder. I am thinking about visiting the bookstore tomorrow and buy some self help books on this issue.

Of course I understand the obvious such as no contact. I will try to meet new people I guess I just have to put myself out there more often to meet people.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Very profound statement thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think writing about my feelings here is helping me. Letting go is definitely a process I just never realized it would hit me so hard.

I thought about writing an "unsent" letter and then just discard it. I am definitely grieving a loss this is a fact. In my mind I understand that in a logical sense since he is from such a conservative family it would not work between us.

I think I will look into getting some self help books to help me during this process.

 

[josher]

I know this will sound like a stupid question but "how" does a person "let go?" after knowing someone for six years?

Of course I understand the obvious such as no contact. I will try to meet new people I guess I just have to put myself out there more often to meet people.

It's not a stupid question.

But, see, you already knew the answer. So, you're pretty smart after all.

 

[Eagle653]

Part of what might be going on is that you don't have any kind of closure on this one way or another. You're guessing as to what he might be thinking, feeling, and is wanting from a relationship with you.

Find a time and place for the two of you to meet privately--like a bar or restaurant or park or something. Hash it out and get some straight (so to speak) answers to some difficult questions.

Once you have your answers, the friendship will either be back on track (good news), or you'll find out where you stand. If he feels uncomfortable, or awkward, in the friendship, then maybe it has to end. But, at least you'll have your answer and you can quit guessing.

Good luck to you. I know this isn't easy.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Thank you this is exactly what I would like to try to do average guy. I want to be his friend and I realize I need to speak to him face to face and ask the difficult questions about whether he wants to be my friend or not. And if he doesn't want to be my friend at least I will have the answer.

 

[MorrisseyX]

I hope I can be his friend because we have gone through so much for six years. I believe within my heart I will meet someone else for a romantic relationship. My ex we have no romanatic future together.I hope to meet someone else one day for sure that I match well with. Someone that is out and comfortable being gay.