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The futility of Internet dating sites

J

jumblesale

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I'm feeling pretty disheartened.

I spent years suffering from depression, denying my sexuality and feeling deeply isolated and alone. I've grown since then, or at least I like to think so. I feel more comfortable with my sexuality than I did back then, and I'm out to my family.

I've recently signed up to Internet dating sites, just to get the ball rolling. My experiences so far have been pretty terrible. I can't help but feel that Internet dating is not right for me; the sense I get of trying to 'sell' myself to people, and the fickleness with which people can reject you because they have an online catalogue of men to choose from once they get bored of you.

Probably what I've gathered from the experience is that I need to be comfortable in my own skin, and content with the idea of being alone, not forever, but in a general day to day kind of way. I've spent most of my life without much physical intimacy, familial or otherwise. Maybe this is just me growing up and learning that life isn't going to instantly hand you what you think you need.

I think that I'm probably not even ready for a relationship. I'm 24, and I've yet to find my footing in many aspects of my life. I do feel a need for intimacy, however, and a strong sense of yearning for companionship. I don't think I could compromise for anything other than a monogamous relationship with someone. It's hard for me to accept such an overwhelming feeling of melancholy when I think about these things.

Is this something most gay guys feel when they first start to experience intimacy with another guy? I understand that it is somewhat of a cliché for young gay men to feel like they've fallen madly in love with someone that they barely know, just because they've experienced sexual intimacy for the first time.
 
How have the experiences been terrible? Do you typically feel any connection with a guy when you're chatting before you meet in person?
Some sites are geared more toward hookups while some are geared for toward forming romantic relationships.

It's totally understandable to fall for someone the first time you're intimate with them. The only real suggestion I have is to keep trying. Hopefully you'll learn from experience how to avoid the guys that leave you feeling terrible.
 
Unfortunately a lot of dating sites are like this. You kind of just need to cut your losses and keep looking like DarkHelios said. Eventually something's gotta give.
 
It's normal I'd say at 24 to be soul searching.

My advice for you is to start being assertive with the guys online. Ask them out. Flirt and show interest and they might return it back.

It will take contacting a lot of guys until you find just a few who are datable. There are so many flakes on the internet.
 
Congratulations for coming out and dealing with your depression. These are no small matters, and you deserve credit for it!

Online sites and apps are a good way of connecting with people, but unfortunately, people tend to be 200% more assholish online than irl. So you have to consider that. I think perhaps online isn't the best way to go about it when you still feel like you're a bit on unsure footing.

You have a lot of insight already, and you're obviously a very smart guy, so be patient with yourself and you'll be fine. Good luck!
 
I think that internet dating an hookup sites are dangerous for some people. Go to a bar/club. Meet people.

The internet taught me some really dangerous and generally untrue things about gay guys (everyone's racist, everyone's shallow, everyone's TEDIOUS, everyone's rude) and really was a huge part of why I spent 16-20 or so trying to invite new and exciting ways to kill myself.

So my advice really is: go outside, meet gay guys, in the real world.
 
Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Internet dating just seems like a competition. There's someone I really like who I felt that I was bonding with and getting to know. I realised that they were still using dating sites to find people. It made me realise that our intimacy had no value, or at least it seemed that way; it just seems unhealthy to feel that you constantly have to be scouting for the next guy.
 
I would wager to guess/bet that what you're calling "dating" sites are actually Hookup sites. Please don't use hookup sites to find lasting relationships, and please don't use them to judge your own self worth.
 
You expect, and forgive me if this sounds mean, to be exclusive, online? Or had you met a couple of times in real life? Meet him irl first. It seems like a lot to expect someone to pull all their profiles end all extra conversations, etc in the getting to know you phase.

My husband, when I was his stalker/mercy fuck, after the first time we had sex, agreed to meet me at a bar and we were having a pretty good time, until I went to buy him a drink and came back just in time for him to grab some giant bronze blonde god and make out with him in front of me.

Dating can be *weird* you might be the very best thing since sliced bread, or the guy who is going to make this dude happier than anyone else on earth, but cut him some slack. Give him some time to figure that out.

If I'm missing any "D's" in the above I apologize. My "D" key has stopped consistently working.
 
IamNoah said:
I think that internet dating and hookup sites are dangerous for some people. Go to a bar/club. Meet people.

The internet taught me some really dangerous and generally untrue things about gay guys (everyone's racist, everyone's shallow, everyone's TEDIOUS, everyone's rude) and really was a huge part of why I spent 16-20 or so trying to invent new and exciting ways to kill myself.

So my advice really is: go outside, meet gay guys, in the real world.
Click to expand...

Edited because typos annoy me to no end.
 
jumblesale said:
Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Internet dating just seems like a competition. There's someone I really like who I felt that I was bonding with and getting to know. I realised that they were still using dating sites to find people. It made me realise that our intimacy had no value, or at least it seemed that way; it just seems unhealthy to feel that you constantly have to be scouting for the next guy.
Click to expand...

That's how it is in real life or online. Unless you are exclusively dating someone and getting serious, that person is free to consider other options.
 
IamNoah said:
You expect, and forgive me if this sounds mean, to be exclusive, online? Or had you met a couple of times in real life? Meet him irl first. It seems like a lot to expect someone to pull all their profiles end all extra conversations, etc in the getting to know you phase.

My husband, when I was his stalker/mercy fuck, after the first time we had sex, agreed to meet me at a bar and we were having a pretty good time, until I went to buy him a drink and came back just in time for him to grab some giant bronze blonde god and make out with him in front of me.

Dating can be *weird* you might be the very best thing since sliced bread, or the guy who is going to make this dude happier than anyone else on earth, but cut him some slack. Give him some time to figure that out.

If I'm missing any "D's" in the above I apologize. My "D" key has stopped consistently working.
Click to expand...


Yes, we've met in real life! But yes, I agree, life is complicated and people are free to do whatever they want. I think the intangibility of Internet dating just leaves me feeling on edge somehow.

And yes, I've only been using "Dating" sites. I've never used a hook-up site mainly for the reasons I've already mentioned.
 
No, what leaves you feeling on edge is that the internet promotes actively filling in the blanks bout a net persona with rank fantasy. You are free to make up most of a guy online, so when you meet and he's no what you imagined, there you are.

At least when you start dating in person, you're starting with a much lager data set about the guy, one he doesn't control. How he acts, what he says, yes, how he looks, if you have any chemistry, you know that up front.

Online you tend to have these discussions and emails, and it can masquerade as intimacy (and you feel you really "know" him) but it isn't, it's 80% what you made up for yourself, and if you're lucky 20% reality. The only way to actually get to know someone is in person.
 
As an aside, whenever you see "blanks" in someone's profile [age and weight are the two worst offenders], question them. If they get cold feet, they're not worth your time.

The sad truth in the gay community is that sex is so damn easy to get. Dating and a relationship is beyond difficult and many that do make it anywhere, usually hit the 3-month bump and give up the first time a conflict arises. I know for me personally, I can't be one of those guys that sleeps around in lieu of actual emotional intimacy. I know a few guys that do and are perfectly happy with it but I am not one of those.
 
I would be the contrarian here, and I'll say that internet dating sites can be good, if you use the right ones. Many "gay social networking" sites/apps are really mostly for hookups, and I agree that those are poor venues for meeting potential dates/boyfriends. However, I used OKCupid and found my now boyfriend there.

My only advice is to spend less time emailing and sending messages back and forth. If it seems like there's interest in your first few messages, ask him out. Don't waste your time composing long-winded emails back and forth.

I actually think that internet dating is a pretty neat invention since sliced bread. You get a much larger dating pool, and you get to easily find people who meet your must-haves (provided that they're honest--which I know is a lot to ask for, I know...So you also have to be cautious, and prod a little if you have doubts about anything you read on their profile.)

Also, many quality guys really are too busy to hang out at bars every night, or sunbathe naked in the park, just waiting to be found. My boyfriend works 80 hours a week sometimes. Even though we live in the same city, there's no way he and I would have met before the invention of the internet.

However, I do think that people are more pretentious and picky online. That said, there's nothing that says that online and reality dating have to be mutually exclusive.
 
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