The Grindr BF: Should I give it a try or walk away?

[relejandro12]

Hello everyone. I wanted to know your opinion on a situation I´m dealing with and it came to a breaking point. It's with a friend with benefits I have.



I) THE GRINDR GUY:

I meet him on 2018 through Grindr. First he sent me a fake face pic and I realized that immediately but kept talking to him since he was nice and wanted to see his real self. Later on he sent me his real face pic, we kept talking and we meet once. We liked each other and had chemistry so we kept hooking up several times.



II) THE GUILT:

One night he told me he would be leaving to study abroad for two years. And he wanted to come clean about something. He revealed to me that he had given me a fake name and ID about himself because in previous experience he was honest with another guy he had talked to on Grindr and this guy wanted blackmailed him about exposing him with money about his identity . And since he's discreet that really left a trust scar. But since he realized that I wasn't just a one night stand and that he valued me he wanted to know the truth.

This really hurt me a lot but since he was leaving really soon I prioritized spending the little time we had together before he left. And so we did.
Then when he left, we kept talking on and off during this 2 years and the friendship and trust developed. I was glad because I gained a nice friend in him.



III) THE ISSUES RETURN:

In 2020 he came back to my country and we kept talking too. But the feelings of mistrust came back to me because it all felt like an unresolved thing that I overlooked since I never truly processed the issue about the lying with him. He deeply apologized again and talked honestly to me saying he valued me a lot as a friend. I was really doubtful about what to do so we stopped talking for 7 months.

I kept my profile on Grindr (no pic just stats) so nobody knows it’s me. In the several months we didn't talk at all I found my fwb's profile on Grindr. I immediately recognized him since It was the same pic and bio that he used when we first meet. And since we live right around the corner from each other I had more certainty that it was him. I had already given him my personal number so I found it weird to have him there too. Therefore I blocked him.

But a month later I'd find him again since he would create a new profile (same pic, description and stats.) and he would talk to my anonymous profile but I would not reply or block him again.

Time flew by and It came to a point that I missed him a lot and I wanted to talk to him but I hadn't decided if I would forgive him yet or if I wanted him in my life. So I created a fake profile to talk to him (yes I know it's a bit toxic and I'm not proud). I wanted to know if he was okay but I also wanted to know that if he would lie again if he’d met another guy or if at least he would be honest after having lied to me. I talked to him using an alias and he again sent a fake pic and name, which disappointed me. We kept talking for a while till the chat ended and he later blocked me.

Through the next months this cycle repeated itself few times: he created a new profile and each time he would talk both to my actual anonymous profile (I never replied or I would block him) and he'd also talk to my fake profile on which we would chat a bit.

The times he chatted to my fake profile:

- The first time he sent me a fake name and pic as I told lines above .

- The second one he sent me his real pic .

- The third time he sent me his real pic .

(so there's no hint of doubt that it's his actual profile)

So, even if I kept the friendship or not with him I was sort of happy that at least he was actually showing himself in his way of meeting other guys. I was glad that at least he would be honest from the start and didn’t kept lying.

After a lot of time, thinking and advices I forgave him since I understood the lies came from fear and not from a harmful intention and also because with the very first men I used to talk I would give a false name to protect myself. I realized the good in him was better than the mistake he made.

So we overpass the situation and continued with the friendship. Or so I thought.



IV) THE CROSSED LINED AND THE REVELATION:

Since he lives really close to me, we started reconnecting as friends since end of 2022 and hanging out together. We wouldn’t not only have a nice time laughing or sharing interests but he started to open up a lot and told me aspects about his life he had never told me before like how he was bullied his whole life in school, that he was really shy and hard to connect with people and how even he had never been in a relationship. So with all this I really felt he was making an actual effort to make things right, gain my trust again and building a good bond .

But one night he told me he didn't see this hanging out as friends or even as a possibility to come back as being fwb but he actually believed we were dating and we were moving towards build something together. That he was terrified but he was totally willing to have a relationship with me .

This was a huge shock since I never saw this coming at all and since he had never even made a move that could make me realize he wanted something more serious. I told him I couldn't give him a relationship since I wasn't in a good emotional point and I'm not totally over my ex. We stopped talking for some weeks but he said he wanted to insist with and take a chance. I told him I really wasn't sure and I had to think it through so we went back to talking daily as friends.



V) EASTER AND THE BELATED BIRTHDAY:

His birthday was over a week ago so I wanted to invited him to dinner (I even got him a little present about something I know he likes) because I know he's not going through a good time and he did nothing to celebrate it. But the times I asked him out our schedules didn't match so we postponed it.

This Easter we had Wednesday and Thursday off, so with such a long weekend I thought we could finally meet. But he told me he would leave with his family to a relative's birthday party on a country house outside the city and they would stay there the whole Easter. I was a bit sad but I understood it was a family thing and I didn't want to force anything.

But when I entered Grindr on Thursday just to goof around I found his profile active and his distance was the same as always. He was shown as if he's still at his home RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. I thought maybe he would leave on Friday as he told me. But I entered on Friday and it was the same. I also entered on Saturday and the distance was the still really close to me…

I chatted with him on Saturday night asking if he would like to go out for his belated birthday dinner since I thought maybe I misunderstood things and maybe he was back already but he told me he was "STILL AT THIS CAMP HOUSE OUTSIDE THE CITY" .

It hurt a lot since I was seeing his profile being active just few meters away from me.

It's weird because you would think he doesn't want to see me but we've been chatting nicely with each other lately. He even starts the conversation or sends me jokes. So why avoiding me? and why lying?

And the cherry on the top of the cake:
Few minutes after realizing he's not left the city and he's apparently lying to me, his profile on Grindr talked to my real anonymous profile and unlocked FAKE PICS AGAIN . I’m a 100% sure it's his profile since he’s sent his real face with that profile to my fake one. But I'm not sure if he actually knew it was me whom he send those fake pics to, but he knows I use the app and everytime he created a new profile he would try to contact my anonnymous profile.



VI) ENDING AND NEXT HORIZONS:

I know he’s a very smart guy but also a shy guy who was bullied his whole life. I decided to forgive him when he lied back then because I’ve seen there was a good heart in him.
He wanted to know if I was willing to go on a serious relationship with me and It really even made me considerate it at one point.
But after the events that just happened this Easter, it all has me thinking if now I even want him as a friend or if I should walk away for good...


What do you think about this or what would you recommend doing?

Thanks a lot in advance

 

[TX-Beau]

First off, the percentage of honest profiles on Grindr has got to be very small. Second, internet hookups can be flaky.

Third, you are both playing games on Grindr.


What are you willing to put up with? It doesn't sound like either of you is all that into the other.

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

To me it sounds like you two are into each other on some level; otherwise you'd both have walked away from each other months or years ago and never looked back.

The problem is that you both have now lied to each other so much that it may be too late to regain any trust.

One thing I don't understand is why, this past weekend when he tried to tell you he was away from the city, you didn't just say, "Look, dude, I can see on Grindr right now that you are only a few hundred meters (or however far it was) away from my location. If you don't want to see me, fine, but stop lying to me and tell the truth."

If he isn't capable of being honest with you, or of actually seeing you after he says he wants to see you, then he is not ready to be with you yet, even as a friend. And you should tell him that, is those words.

And this is true for you, too: if you can't stop playing Grindr games (like the fake profiles) with him, then you aren't ready to be with him, either, even as a friend.


One other thing: whether it's with this guy or someone else, dishonesty and games like this are a lot of work to maintain, that effort just isn't worth it. Once you give up doing it, you'll see for yourself that making up all that fake stuff, and trying not to get confused about what fakery you've given to whom, is just too much goddamn trouble.

 

[cabinfever]

This isn't a definitive answer and I'm not sure there is one that would be comfortable which may be why the deception is present.

The bottom line I have observed and experienced myself is one or both people just don't want to tell the truth. Good luck finding the rare guy who says they just don't want to tell you the truth though.

To be fair telling the truth can be scary because some people do not handle rejection very well and they can get scary.

For instance:

"I'm not really into you"
" I didn't enjoy the sex"
"You get on my nerves"
"I didn't want to hurt your feelings"

^^It's a long list but I'll stop there

 

[TX-Beau]

A lot of guys are chicken shit when they want you to go away, and won't just say that. A lot of guys won't tell you they are hooking up with someone else, even if you aren't monogamous. Sometimes they just ghost you until they hit a dry spell - and on and on.

There are also guys who are decent and reliable. They generally aren't playing hookup games on Grindr though.

All you can do is present yourself as yourself and see what happens. The moment you start playing cyber games, you've justified the games the other guy is playing.

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

The moment you start playing cyber games, you've justified the games the other guy is playing.

You should put this on the Quotable Quotes thread.

 

[USEDCAR]

Good advice on this thread

You are putting so much effort into this guy and him sending you a fake picture should've been the red flag from the start. You just need to block him and delete grindr and take a break

 

[TX-Beau]

You should put this on the Quotable Quotes thread.

I used to live a life of endless drama, angst, and insoluble dilemma. One fine day I finally realized that the problem was not the endless parade of losers, the problem was the decision to put up with the endless parade of losers. What the other guy does is on him, but the decisions I make are on ME.

To the OP, this is hard-won wisdom, you take the guy as you find him and decide what you are willing to put up with. You will not change him. Don't confuse some idea in your head, with the guy you are looking at. A guy will always tell you exactly what is true - but it's usually not in what he's saying. It's in what he's doing. If he always has to work, he's saying you aren't his first priority. That's not a judgment, there may be a good reason why that might be, but that is what is true.

If he never makes time for you, he's telling you he's not interested. A guy with intentions will always make time for you. If he won't return your calls, he doesn't want to talk to you. If he's lying to you, obviously he's hiding things. As I said, there may be reasons he does any of this that are at least somewhat valid. You have to make a choice and decide what the dealbreakers are.

Whatever that choice is, you made it and you are responsible for it.

You can walk away from a game player, decide it's worth it, or you can choose to become it. The level of insoluble drama in your life is decided right here.

The way you behave is going to tell him the truth about you. You put up with it even if you hate it, that's not on him. That's the choice you made. The level of drama in my own life dissipated when I stopped choosing the guys who swam in it.

 

[KaraBulut]

In other similar advice threads on the forum, I've used the phrase, "Relationships are work but they're not supposed to always feel like they are work".

This one has been too much work and too little relationship. It's time to move on.

 

[relejandro12]

One thing I don't understand is why, this past weekend when he tried to tell you he was away from the city, you didn't just say, "Look, dude, I can see on Grindr right now that you are only a few hundred meters (or however far it was) away from my location. If you don't want to see me, fine, but stop lying to me and tell the truth."

Hello there.
To answer your question: I was in shock because I discovered he had lied to me and minutes later he sent me fake photos to my real profile. Those two events happened so fast that I was so angry and sad to process it.
And besides because in order to explain how I know he didn't leave the city I'd have to explain the fake profile and it was a lot to explain over a chat. Not the right time or place to do so.

I wanted to take some time to think all this through and talk to him face to face with a cool head.

I know I created a fake profile and I know that was a bad move but it was for the time we weren't talking and other than that I would use only my real profile. But since he doesn't know it's me (I guess) he sent me the fake pics to my real profile and that was the the straw that broke the camel's back.

Whenever I meet a guy I am honest about myself right from the start. But he made me realize maybe I trust people very easily and I shouldn't do that.

He wanted us to try to be boyfriends and I wasn't sure. But after this now it really hurts because I'm not sure if i can even be friends with him.

 

[TX-Beau]

BUT, didn't he start by lying to you? Why was this lie so shocking?

He didn't make any of your choices.

You did, and if his lying is so upsetting, you need to own you did it too and not do it again.

There is no one responsible for the choices you make but you. Yes, you are going to make mistakes, we all make mistakes, then you learn and move on, or you don't and repeat the same problems.

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

Those two events happened so fast that I was so angry and sad to process it. ...

I wanted to take some time to think all this through and talk to him face to face with a cool head. ...

I know I created a fake profile and I know that was a bad move

Yes, that was a bad decision you made when you were upset and weren't thinking clearly. I've done that. We all have done it at some point; it's part of being human.

But you are owning that you did it, and I gather you don't plan to make this particular error in judgment again.

It's a mistake you are learning from. That is a good thing.

But after this now it really hurts because I'm not sure if i can even be friends with him.

Yes, I'm afraid that's true. You probably can't be friends with him. Too much trust has been broken between the two of you. And while you seem to have learned from this experience, it appears that he has not.

Whenever I meet a guy I am honest about myself right from the start. But he made me realize maybe I trust people very easily and I shouldn't do that.

Being honest about yourself with a guy is always a good thing.

You haven't said where you are (and don't feel that you need to tell us), but I gather you're in a place and among people that are not very welcoming to gay men. That sort of environment basically trains gay men to be dishonest (including with themselves), so yes, you probably shouldn't give guys you meet too much trust too soon. That doesn't mean you should be dishonest about yourself, but it does mean you may not want to reveal too much about yourself too soon or to be too quick about taking everything another guy tells you at face value. In an environment like yours, you have to move slowly.

Thanks for trusting us enough to come to us to ask for advice.

 

[relejandro12]

BUT, didn't he start by lying to you? Why was this lie so shocking?

He didn't make any of your choices.

You did, and if his lying is so upsetting, you need to own you did it too and not do it again.

There is no one responsible for the choices you make but you. Yes, you are going to make mistakes, we all make mistakes, then you learn and move on, or you don't and repeat the same problems.

After a lot of thinking and as many people have made me realized in this forum, his initial lies were somehow understandable: we were strangers on a hook up app meeting for the first time in a homophobic environment. It was a mechanism of defense (that I've done too once in my early years) and I understood there wasn't a harmful intention in that decision, but fear instead. So I forgave him.

We talked a lot and came a long way developing an actual friendship over the years opening up to each other.

THAT'S why this lie hurts so much. Because at this point, we weren't strangers trying to protect our indentities from being exposed. We were close friends (or a bit more) who deserved honesty from one another, specially after me having forgave him for lying.

 

[LoveMyPeppermill]

Yes, I understand how and why it hurts. Consider yourself hugged.

But he has just demonstrated that, for whatever reasons, he isn't ready to be honest and mature.

 

[TX-Beau]

After a lot of thinking and as many people have made me realized in this forum, his initial lies were somehow understandable: we were strangers on a hook up app meeting for the first time in a homophobic environment. It was a mechanism of defense (that I've done too once in my early years) and I understood there wasn't a harmful intention in that decision, but fear instead. So I forgave him.

We talked a lot and came a long way developing an actual friendship over the years opening up to each other.

THAT'S why this lie hurts so much. Because at this point, we weren't strangers trying to protect our indentities from being exposed. We were close friends (or a bit more) who deserved honesty from one another, specially after me having forgave him for lying.

I honestly don't see why you are still bothering with this, if what you say is accurate, he's been flaky from the get-go. his actions are on his head, and your actions are on you.

If you choose to continue with this, that isn't his fault. You decided to do that.

Why haven't you moved on if this is causing you such pain?