The hardest thing.

[erstwhile]

I feel absolutely awful that I need to even bring up this subject, and that I don't feel comfortable enough to address the issue with my boyfriend. I feel worse that I don't feel like I have anywhere to go but the internet for advice. Please don't take offense to that statement -- because I am grateful for the support that you guys are able to give me when it seems like there may be nobody else who could reasonably understand the position that I am in.

I have been with my boyfriend now for 7 months. Like any relationship, it has had its ups and downs. I have even posted here for advice on a concern I had a few months ago, which now seems minor compared to what I could possibly be facing, but was the root cause of my thought process and paranoia regarding what I'm now facing.

My original concern was a lack of desire to be affectionate, particularly sexual, on the part of my boyfriend. He claims that his libido is slowed and that he just doesn't have the drive that he once did -- he's often too tired, stressed or anxious to enjoy sex.

I told him I'd give him time to get more comfortable with me and not push the issue because I cared for him and his feelings. I love him.

But after a few months (going on 3 months now) of seeing little to no improvement, my paranoia got the best of me. My immediate inclination was to find out if he was cheating on me, satisfying himself some other way. I feel absolutely horrible to admit it, but I snooped on his computer, trying to find out perhaps if he was doing anything behind my back.

To my initial relief, there was nothing to suggest infidelity. But there was something else, that many could consider worse, and has my stomach in absolute knots. I found a document saved on his computer, dated back a few years. It was saved as "suicide." In the note it says that he has found out that he has tested HIV positive and that he intended to kill himself as to not spread the disease to anyone else. The document is now 4 years old. It is not signed with his name, however. Just a blank note.

I am absolutely beside myself in dismay. I don't know what to do, how to approach the subject with him without coming clean about violating his trust. But I feel like his breach of trust is even greater. I don't even know if the letter is true, or if it was written by him. But there are signs that it may be. He is reluctant to even have sex at all, and we have not even once had penetrative sex. He is hesitant even to engage in oral sex. If he truly is HIV positive, it makes sense that he would not want to put me at risk. This is so hard because I love him as a person, but am so angry that he was not forthcoming with this if it is indeed true.

If the letter is nothing more than a lie or unattributed to him, I still want nothing more than to be in a relationship with him, but now I am concerned that my snooping may bring an end to everything anyways.

I am absolutely conflicted here. I have no clue what I should do, what the right thing to do is, or how I can move forward here. I still love him.

I'm sure many of you might say "Run and don't look back." But that doesn't sit well in my heart. I may be stupid, but I can't control who I love. Besides this, I can't think of a single bad thing about him.

What should I do?

 

[evanrick]

hes clearly struggling & he also probably intended for you to find that document if its hiding in plain sight.

 

[jaysizzles]

If he is HIV+, you do need to find out for your own protection, not to mention that he's been deceiving you (which is a much bigger concern than snooping imo.) At 7months into the relationship, that info should have been long divulged. I'd be more pissed at him for that than be upset at your own snooping.

Now...what to do? If you aren't ready to admit that you snooped (which is probably the smart as well as honest thing to do) perhaps you can suggest that it's time in your relationship to both get tested...that when the time comes for sex, you want to be sure you're both safe, either way the results work out. Every couple should be tested, so it's not an unusual request. See what his reaction is. You could even ask him if he'd still love you or be in a relationship with you if you were +. Maybe it'll get him to confess....at the very least it opens up the dialogue.

My guess is that he is + and is holding back in fear of infecting you and/or losing you....the low libido is just a ruse. I don't know if that would be a side effect of his medications though, if he's taking any. If he is + then you both can learn how to enjoy a safe sex life together. If he's not +...you've got some decisions to make on how important sex is in a relationship.

Anyway around this situation, you have to know if he is + or not.

 

[erstwhile]

Thanks for the replies, fellas.

The suggest of getting tested together has crossed my mind. The only roadblock there is that I was just tested a month ago, and he knows that. He was also tested recently because he works in a medical field and was exposed to someone else. I haven't seen any paperwork, but he told me his results came back clean. I'm not even sure what exactly he was tested for (HIV may not have been what he was exposed to).

So given the circumstance, do you think it would be a little strange to request that we go get tested together so soon again?

I have been in his medicine cabinet many times to get ibuprofen and toothpaste. I haven't seen any drugs that someone would be taking to treat HIV. He does take citalopram and paroxetine (both antidepressant/antianxiety) that are well known for reduced libido. Since he works in a medical field, I hope that if he was indeed +, he would be diligent about sticking to the treatment regimen. This is one of the big reasons why I'm so unsure about the validity of the letter.

I want to be honest about my prying, but I'm scared that it could end up being a dealbreaker at this point. I'm thinking it would be better to lay low for a bit, make sure we're absolutely safe about what we do in bed, and perhaps suggest the test again in a few months? Does this sound stupid? I figure if, at that point, he declines or gets anxious over the idea, then I can confront him about what I read and why I'm concerned.

I'm not particularly scared about him being +, if he is. I know that it's completely possible to be in a magnetic relationship with very little risk of infection as long as we are smart.

 

[jaysizzles]

If you were just tested, it would seem strange to bring up the idea of testing again. Doesn't mean you still can't talk about where you are in your relationship with regards to commitments...sickness & health type stuff (without talking marriage)

The 2 of you should be able to talk openly and honestly about anything...especially your relationship. Secrets and lies are killers. I think you need to find a way to clear the air asap and find the truth so that you can move forward and focus on being happy...not being guarded and suspicious.

good luck..I can see it's not easy no matter what route you take.

 

[bankside]

Are you sure he wrote it? Perhaps a friend sent it to him as a cry for help. Perhaps he found it online and kept it because he thought it was poignant, and a reminder to himself to never let himself feel that bad without asking for help.

Never mind the letter for now. Even without any letter your relationship should be on a better trajectory. Talk to him about his lack of desire. He doesn't have to fuck you to prove he loves you. But if he doesn't want or feel the need for a physical aspect in your relationship, that tells you something right there regardless of his HIV status.

If you feel that you can't eliminate him as the author of the letter, then absolutely don't have physical contact with him. His HIV would be a problem, but his lying about it would be lethal.

 

[erstwhile]

You make valid points, bankside. That's precisely why I'm reluctant to approach him about it. I do think it may be better to forget about the letter itself for now, play it safe, work on the relationship, and... sometime soon, for peace of mind, suggest getting tested together. Until that time comes, I can watch my own back pretty well.

 

[KaraBulut]

The underlying question is, "If you knew he was HIV+, would you have moved forward in the relationship?".

The answer to that question probably is what should guide whether you continue in the relationship.

The irony to all of this is, if he is not on antiretroviral medications, he's putting you both more at risk. It's a risk to you before he will be more infective. It's a risk to him because his long-term survival will be improved by being on meds sooner.

Either way, there's no avoiding it. You're going to have to have the conversation- the one that you should have had at the beginning of the relationship.

 

[Shygui]

If you are looking for an indirect way to approach the subject, say that you would like to get tested for STDs, and you would like him to come with/get it done with you to feel comfortable.

Perhaps he'd be willing to come clean if you gave him the opening. Maybe he'd go with and you would get tested you would discover he's not HIV+. If he were to get angry/put up resistance, that may be a troubling sign.

Personally, I would not want to continue a relationship where a partner would not feel comfortable getting tested. If nothing else, it could give you an "in" to this discovery you have made.

 

[erstwhile]

The underlying question is, "If you knew he was HIV+, would you have moved forward in the relationship?".

The answer to that question probably is what should guide whether you continue in the relationship.

The irony to all of this is, if he is not on antiretroviral medications, he's putting you both more at risk. It's a risk to you before he will be more infective. It's a risk to him because his long-term survival will be improved by being on meds sooner.

Either way, there's no avoiding it. You're going to have to have the conversation- the one that you should have had at the beginning of the relationship.

You ask a good question. If I had known he was HIV+ at the beginning of our relationship, it certainly would have been a red flag. It's not honest, sure, but I can certainly see why some men in similar situations would feel the need to keep it a secret. It's selfish, sure. But it's also hard being lonely. At this point in my relationship, I have a lot of emotion invested and I would not be opposed to having a safe, functioning relationship with him regardless of his status. I do agree with you about the risks of not being on medication.

If you are looking for an indirect way to approach the subject, say that you would like to get tested for STDs, and you would like him to come with/get it done with you to feel comfortable.

Perhaps he'd be willing to come clean if you gave him the opening. Maybe he'd go with and you would get tested you would discover he's not HIV+. If he were to get angry/put up resistance, that may be a troubling sign.

Personally, I would not want to continue a relationship where a partner would not feel comfortable getting tested. If nothing else, it could give you an "in" to this discovery you have made.

Do you mean tested for all STD's? The catch here is that I was just recently tested for HIV about 2 months ago and it would seem silly for me to go specifically for another HIV test this soon. I could potentially pull off the hypochondriac thing, I suppose. I do think it's important for the issue to be addressed sooner, rather than later.

 

[maxer343]

I was getting ready for work one day. I still remember what I was wearing (sorry to add that I was somewhat of a label queen back then}, a Hugo Boss navy blue suit that day. I started out for work the same as always, my ex and I where the same size, so he had been the last to where the suit. I noticed some paperwork in the inside pocket. I pulled it out and was reading. It was his signed confession to embezzling $10,000 a month for the last three years. His reasoning was because he was HIV positive and he did not think he would live.
I had been working for an insurance company and making my own money. I knew that he had more money than me but attributed it to “old money” as he was still taking care of his mother. That entire plus, if the fat that the FBI had investigated him, it meant that they had a file on me. It made me question my status legally and a possible HIV scale.
I do know what you are going through and hope you PM to get my private number, so that we can phone.
I’m sorry to say that I saw the man that I thought I was going to send my life with off to prison some time later. This story has twists, however, so if you need someone who has been to “Hell and Back””, give a call.
I am HIV negative.

 

[Greenherbz]

Honestly, I feel like he has crossed a way bigger line. I know you said that there was never any penetration, but he still put you at risk. I thought it was illegal to knowingly be positive and have any sort of intercourse without telling the other person before hand?
Either way, good luck to you and keep getting tested.
Also at 7 months into a relationship it would be a deal breaker to me, even if i felt i was flat out in love with them.
Either way something needs to be said between the two of you. Perhaps mentioning that you came across the document by accident?

 

[rjmrjm21]

I would just ask him if he is positive and ask about his reasons for avoiding penetration. If he denies, then, demand an HIV test. That's the only way to find out. When it's a life or death situation, his feelings need to take a back seat.

 

[TriBi]

If you really care for him - you could always initiate a conversation with him to make that very clear - and let him know the fact that he keeps pleading 'low libido' but does not seem to be willing to take any steps to allow your relationship to progress to a more consistent degree of intimacy has you wondering why - and if he really cares for you as much as you do for him - or if there is some other sort of stumbling block?

That might give him a opening to let you know what is really on his mind - maybe the HIV note originated from him, or maybe something else could be the cause. If he gives you another reason - you could even say "I had even begun to wonder if...." - and maybe "even that wouldn't matter if we both care about each other and were open about things and we take all the correct precautions".

I dunno - just a thought....good luck anyway.

 

[ArmorFallingDown]

You're feeling guilty for snooping, he's feeling guilty for hiding some of his truths (if the note is indeed his). It seems to me that both of you are going to be consumed by your secrets if they don't come out soon. The relationship is already in danger because of the lack of communication and trust, so I would tell him the truth as gently as possible. Tell him that you had a moment of weakness and that you were feeling insecure because you felt that he didn't want to have sex lately, so you went on his computer to see if he was cheating. Honesty hurts, but it gives you a little piece of mind. Do you honestly think that you could keep a relationship alive with the doubt in the back of your head? Good luck and I hope everything is okay.

 

[Seasoned]

Being a sexual person it's difficult for me to understand your situation. You are obviously unhappy and confused or you would not have snooped. I think it's your responsibility to tell him you are unhappy and confused, or whatever you happen to be feeling.

I think it best to tell him that you were afraid to bring it up to him and tell him why. You thought he might not have wanted or needed sex with you because he was getting it somewhere else. Explain that's why you went snooping and apologize. Tell him what you found.

You need to know and you need to know if he is under a doctor's care.

You guys need a base line of honesty in order to be intimate. The band-aid (plaster) needs to come off and the wound needs to be cleaned and treated. The scar that forms is a reminder that relationships aren't just about good times. As someone who will be celebrating 28 years with my beloved (we've called each other all kinds of names) the scars are a reminder that we hurt each other and made amends. I wear the scars proudly, not because I wished for wounds, but because we've been through crises together and could have bolted many times over drinking, infidelity, fighting and snooping, but chose to work through all that and more. Lots and lots of therapy taught us how to communicate.

Short of abuse or danger I always recommend that a couple attempt to work through difficulties.

I wish both of you the best.

 

[jaysizzles]

^ Good advice Seasoned.

 

[shainski]

It's always difficult to follow Seasoned - because he always says what needs to be said.

So i'll just reword what he said. There was a problem with your relationship before any of this happened. And that problem was a great concern to you that caused the rest.

So, start there. I suggest that you tell your bf that you would like to go through counseling. Tell him that you value this relationship, but you feel like it is slipping away. You want it to work, and you would like an expert to help you two communicate.

He may very well resist the idea. If what you found is a what you suspect, then he may not want to have it come out this way. He may very well be trying to find a way to tell you, and is too cowardly to do it.

In any case, insist on counseling.

Then you can divulge everything that you did and why you felt the need. He can respond. But he won't be able to so easily just turn it around on you. Let your counselor guide this discussion. Good or bad, it will all be in the open. From there, (as Seasoned said), your relationship can begin to heal.

Good Luck

 

[syndrom3]

There's a lot of things that don't add up here.

He's your BF and hiding things from you.

The libido thing can be attributed to the Paxil/Celexa combo he is on. SSRIs are notorious dick-killers. I was on Paxil for 6 months years ago for anxiety and I didn't have an erection once. Also he could be put on these to deal with the Anxiety/Depression that comes with a + diagnosis.

If he is in the medical field you'd think he'd be smart enough to get on the cocktail to keep v.load under the radar if he is + Also, it's almost impossible to become infected with oral, very rare to have happened.

Seriously, if you value your relationship just tell him you want to get tested together immediately so "we can move on" as you want to be sure and now you're past the 6-mo incubation period.

It sounds like your guy has a lot going on and could probably benefit from some counseling. Be supportive, but don't let him lie to you. Ultimately, this is your life at stake!

Good luck