Not the best chapter, but it's been difficult trying to get back into it after so long.
Chapter 22- Going Back to go Forward.
"Ernie! Stop!" he said as he pulled away from the kiss.
"I'm sorry, Matt." I replied.
"No! I've had enough of your apologies. It's the same every fucking time. You say nothing can happen and then you end up doing exactly what you've told me that we can't do. Your girlfriend has just left, and you're kissing me. For a guy that isn't gay or interested you're doing a very good job of showing me otherwise."
"I'm a mess, Matt. You're the only stable thing I have right now. Stephen is doing his best to either fuck me or fuck me over and I'm still not getting any closer to having sex with Sandra. You're pretty much the only thing keeping me sane and I'm confused about my feelings towards you."
"What the fuck do you mean by that? You just want me for the sex? Or something more?"
"At first it was just the sex- you were able to get me what I wanted but now... Now, I don't know. Like I said, you're the only thing I can truly rely on at the moment and... I..."
"And what, Ernie?"
"And I think I'm falling for you..." i said. Matt sat there in silence staring at me. He looked at me like I'd just slapped him with a tickle- a mixture of shock and pleasure all at once but then I went and fucked it up by saying: "but I'm in love with Sandra more."
And the pleasure in his eyes drained away. He now looked like he'd actually been slapped and, even worse, like he wanted to slap me too. Then he rolled his eyes, stood up and went back inside."
My phone beeped, another text from Stephen: you two looked cosy on the porch- Sandra will love the picture I've just taken. 4 days left.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
As far as I could see it, I had three options now. Each option either meant losing Matt, Sandra or Grant or any combination of them. I had no idea what to do- if I told Sandra, she'd leave me; if I told Grant, he'd take Stephen's side and Matt, once again, didn't want to have anything to do with me. There was only one person I could talk to about this, the one person who knew me better than anyone in the world, but also the person that I'd vowed never to talk to again.
Without thinking, I picked up my phone and dialled the number that, even though I'd deleted from my phone, I still knew by heart all these years later.
The phone rang six times and then it was answered.
"Hello?" said the all-too-familiar voice.
"Hi," I said "it's me."
"Ernie? What are you doing calling me? We said we'd not speak after we left..."
"I know, Debbie, I'm sorry but I'm in a bad state and you were the only person that I could think to call."
"This isn't a good idea, Ernie." She retorted. "I'm trying to move on fro you, our marriage and...well, you know..."
"I know, Debbie, but I've fucked up on so many levels and you were always the one who would put me straight. Please! Just this one phone call and I promise that you'll never hear from my again."
"You have five minutes."
I didn't know where to start, so I started from the beginning. There was no need to keep secrets and she'd be able to tell if I was lying. I told her about Sandra, my breakdown, Dr Hillard, Matt, Stephen, more Matt, about Hillard's diagnosis and then my turbulent Matt and Sandra love triangle. In the five minutes I was talking she didn't say a word and, when I'd finished, she sighed and spoke in a reassuring way.
"Nothing's ever simple with you is it, Ernie?"
"No," I laughed "it's not."
"Knowing you as long as I have, I can tell you this- you're clearly not gay. You're just confusing your enjoyment of sex with genuine love and, as this 'Matt' is the only one you're getting any from, you think you love him. I want you to be happy, Ernie, and Sandra seems like a great woman for sticking by you in all of this. Give it time with her and, maybe, just maybe, a few years down the line, it'll start working again. I'm going to put the phone down now, please don't call me again. It just brings back too many memories for me."
"Is everything ok with you though, Debbie?"
And, with that, she hung up.
I sat quietly, reflecting on what had just happened. Debbie, as usual, was right. Right about not needing to talk to each other again, but also about Sandra and Matt. Matt was convenient in its most basic terms, Matt was a means to an end. He served a sexual purpose that I'd been deprived of for years, but nothing more than that.
"Who was on the phone?" He interrupted my thoughts about him.
"Debbie."
"Your ex wife?"
"The one and only."
"What on earth were you calling her for?" Matt seemed shocked, he had every right to be.
"I needed her advice. She'd always tell me the truth and she's given me some good guidance."
"And..."
"Well, you're not going to like this, Matt, but she said that I clearly love Sandra and I should make a go of it with her. I think she's right, too. Sandra's stuck by me through all of this and she deserves it's only fair that commit to her. I don't have any feelings for you, Matt. It's just sex. Yes, it's great, but it's not enough of a basis for anything sustainable between us. As of now, I'm off limits- I need to concentrate on my relationship with Sandra and, although you're welcome to stay here, you need to understand that, as of now, it's purely plutonic."
"That's fine, Ernie," He replied coldly "but please remember this. When your bored or horny, or when Stephen's text you or you've tried to have sex with Sandra and you can't. You will find my door firmly locked and my headphones on drowning you out. If that's how it's going to work, it's going to work both ways."
"Do you mean that?" I was shocked by his honesty.
"Of course I do," he replied "and, unlike you, I stick by what I say. Anyway, I only really came out to say I'm going out. I've got a date... With Chase."
"Chase? The guy from the party?"
"Yup. I'll see you later. I'm gonna be late." He turned and walked away.
As I watched him leave, I tried to reassure myself that I'd made the right decision. Debbie had told me I was better off with Sandra and Debbie was usually right. Yes. I'd definitely made the right choice- there was more chance of a steady happy future with Sandra.
