And now here it comes
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CONCLUSION
Paul woke up, his limbs tangled with Noah’s. Last night every
fear, every bad thing, the collapse of his life, all the horror of
the future had come out in tears. He could not go back to the
empty house. He did not want to think about the empty future,
or about working things out. And Noah had been shaky still
from James’ letter.
Noah sent Paul to the shower, and then came in the shower
too and they washed each other and kissed and went to the
bed. They made love all night, letting everything out, twisting
in the sheets, waking in the sheets that were covered with
them. There was the crust of them. It hardly mattered.
Paul squeezed his thighs tight around Noah and kissed him
for a long time.
“I always loved how your breath doesn’t smell in the
morning,” Noah said.
“The secret is—”
Noah put a hand over Paul’s mouth.
“I don’t really need to know the secret.”
He buried his curly hair in Paul’s chest.
Paul grinned in spite of himself.
“Mr. Riley, would you like to fuck?”
“Again?”
“And again and again.”
Noah stretched out on his back and drew Paul’s body to
him. He was long and heavy and Noah ran his hands over the
warmth of shoulders, arms and back.
“We have a funeral to get to.”
“And we’ll get to it,” Paul said. “But let’s get to this.”
And so they got to it. This time it was as filled with
laughing and sharp sighs as with weeping the night before, and
they came one after the other, in trembling convulsions, Noah
amazed at the look on Paul’s face, the wide eyed terror and
body trembles of the orgasm. When it was done, they lay
together in the sweat and semen of the sheets, exhausted.
At length, Paul spoke.
“I think I am so in love with you.”
“I’m in love with you too.”
Paul was quiet a little longer. Noah watched his face change
as he tried for the next phrase.
“I was never committed to anyone before.”
“You were committed to Kirk.”
“That’s what I meant. Before him, I never understood
commitment.”
Noah turned and lay on his back.
“You have three children,” he whispered.
“Yes. And one Kirk. And you have one James.”
“He’s gone.”
Paul lay on his side.
“You can get him back,” he said.
“When I see the way Tom has always looked at Fenn…
Even though he loves Lee… I know.”
For a long time they lay like that, Paul’s chest pressed into
Noah’s back, his face touching Noah’s cheek.
“I know you love me, and I know I love you… and maybe
that will never change. But can you tell me,” Paul continued,
“that if you never saw James Lewis again you would be
alright?”
Suddenly, with a great sucking heave, Noah bowed his head
into his chest, pulled his knees to his stomach and began to
cry.
“But I love you,” he began.
“I know,” Paul embraced him.
“And I love him. That’s it. I do,” Noah wept so hard it
allowed Paul to shed silent tears. His face was hot with them.
“I don’t know what to do,” he wept.
“You love me, you love him. He’s your husband. I’m not.”
Noah’s weeping died down, and then he turned around and
said, “But you and Kirk?”
“We need to come together again. We drifted so far apart
we need to meet again.”
Noah sat up in bed, sniffling, and nodding.
“Do you think it will work?” he said, taking the back of his
hand across his face.
Paul shook his head. He began to laugh and cry at the same
time. Noah held him. He knew that they would end up making
love again, and that this was not going to change Paul’s answer.
Paul said: “I think I have to try.”
Layla Lawden reflected that it had been an age since she’d set
foot in Saint Barbara’s. But then that didn’t make her very
different from most of the people in here, including her greatgrandmother,
whose actual church affiliation was indefinite.
Will squeezed her hand, and she stroked the wings of his
slightly long hair. She thought of how she would never leave
his side, how they were better than married and stronger than
most relationships she’d seen despite everything. Behind her
was Sheridan with his Logan. Good luck on that, and, my God,
how many gay folks could there be in this church! There was
Chay and Casey Williams.
“They look right together. Don’t they?” Will whispered.
Layla looked at the two men, one in his early thirties, blond
and slight, the other in his early twenties, dark haired and
smaller still, both in suits. Layla discovered, “Yes.”
Dan Malloy and Keith McDonald came in from Michigan,
and Barb Affren came with Milo and Bill, Dena and Nell.
“What the hell’s going on with Meredith and Mathan?”
Claire asked as she and Julian sat down beside Layla, behind
Dena.
“What’s going on is a baby bump,” Barb Affren said. “I
found that girl’s pregnancy test.”
“Good God!” Bill muttered.
“Billy,” his mother swatted him on the head, “we’re in a
sacred place.
“But,” Barb continued, “I want to know about that.” She
pointed to where Paul and Noah were coming in together.
“Oh, my,” Dena said.
“That,” Claire said, “has a sad story all around it, but I
think it will be a happy ending.”
Laurel had arrived with Alex beside her, and Dylan and
Ruthven were with them, a party of four, a little rushed and
tired.
“This is Alex. Shake his hand,” Laurel commanded.
As they all did, she took off her coat, and said, “take this,
one of you, I’ve got to get up to the balcony.”
“I’ve never heard her sing,” Alex said.
“Well, she’s great,” Dylan told him, brandishing the case he
carried. “Especially with my trumpet.”
He headed after his cousin and in a few moments, in place
of the expected organ, Dylan’s trumpet trilled over the
congregation, blowing them all into silence. Above Dylan’s
music, Laurel sang:
Why
should I
feel discouraged,
why
should the shadows
come,
Why
should my heart be lonely,
and long for heav’n and home?
When Jesus is my portion?
My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me.
Fenn heard his mother singing, and joined her.
I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Layla heard her family sing and joined in with her
grandmother. Behind her were Lee and Mathan and then, as
quite a surprise, Kenny and as more of a surprise, a surprise
that made tears come to her eyes, the tall, earnest form of
Brendan Miller.
“So… you’re here to stay?” Kenny said.
“Yes,” said Brendan. They were all gathered in Todd and
Fenn’s living room.
“Why?”
“Because this is home.” Brendan spoke as if this was
obvious. “Because I can work normal hours instead of losing
myself. Because everyone I love is here.
“Because you are here, Kenneth,” he touched the red
haired man’s arm. “Because I did betray you and leave you in
the lurch and… I really can’t do this without you. All I am is
shit without you. I forgot that. So now I’m back.”
Kenny looked truly worked up. He clinched his jaws and
shook his head.
“I got something going on right now. I don’t know if you
realized that.”
Brendan looked over to Chad, who was talking to Bryant,
and said, “I think he’ll understand.”
Kenny didn’t say anything for a while. When he finally did,
it was, “Goddamnit, Brendan.”
“You don’t want to melt to me right now, it’s okay. I’ll give
it time. As much time as you need. But,” Brendan said as he
was walking off, “you gotta remember, I’m not going
anywhere.”
“Bren!”
“Yes?” Bren turned around with a mischievous look on his
face.
“Call me tonight.”
“Alright,” Brendan said, smiling triumphantly.
“Bastard,” Kenny added.
“Thanks for getting Kenny that job,” Chad said, looking over
at his friend.
“Thank you for providing me with a very competent artist,”
Bryant told him.
“He is good, isn’t he?”
Bryant nodded. He didn’t speak for a while.
Finally, Bryant said, “Everything’s not black and white, you
know? No one knows that better than me.”
Chad nodded, because he didn’t know what to say.
“What you had with Kenny isn’t anything less if it ends.”
“And what about you and Nick?”
“That is ended. That was… Well,” Bryant decided,
“Actually some things are black and white.”
At this Chad burst out laughing.
“God, I miss you, Bryant!”
“I miss you laughing at me.”
Chad said, “I need to talk to Kenny. He… maybe you
won’t get it. But he’s my best friend. We couldn’t do what we
were doing if we weren’t friends. He… at no cost he gave me
love and taught me how to love myself again. Does that sound
corny?”
“Yes,” Bryant told him. “Yes, Chad North, it certainly does.
But I do know what you mean.”
“I’m going off to talk to him,” Chad said.
“Alright,” Bryant allowed, “but where are you staying
tonight?”
“God, Bryant!” Chad said. “Really? The bed’s not even cold
from Nick.”
“Nick never slept in that bed.”
“What a picture!”
“You still have failed to answer the question.”
“Alright already,” Chad threw up his hands and grinned.
“This is like being your student again. You’re my boss, you’re
my ex, you’re my ex professor. This is so weird. Are we really
going to start this shit up again?”
“Yes,” Bryant told him. “I believe we are.”
“Are you kids going to be alright?” Layla asked Paul and Noah.
She sat on the sofa with Fenn and Todd, facing their friends.
Paul was quiet, his long legs open, his hands clasping his
knees, but Noah put a hand on Paul’s thigh.
“Yeah,” Noah said. “I think we all will be.”
“Mr. Miller,” Fenn called back. “I hear you are here to
stay.”
“Yes, Fenn.”
“Thank God. We should never be parted for so long. Life is
too short. Have a seat, I’m getting up.”
“No, take mine,” Layla said. “Will’s calling me.”
As she got up, she kissed Brendan and Brendan sat down
with his drink.
“She and Will are so happy. I wonder when they’ll tie the
knot and have a little baby Klasko padding around the house.”
At this Fenn’s face was subdued and Brendan said, “What?
Did I say something?”
So Fenn just said to the four of them, “It’s not so much a
secret as something not discussed.
“Layla and Will stopped using anything a long time ago. She
can’t have children. Or he can’t. It’s all the same.”
He remembered when Layla’s book had come out, when
she had called Will with the message that she had a surprise for
him.
“Maybe she’s pregnant,” they had teased him.
“She’s not pregnant,” Will had said with finality. But none
of them understood. How dumb of them. Brendan felt his
heart take an elevator to his feet.
“Why didn’t I know that? Why didn’t I know that about my
own best friend?”
“I don’t know,” Fenn said. “And maybe I shouldn’t have
told it. But you seem to forget, you and Kenny can’t have
children either, and neither can Noah and Paul. But they do,
and me and Todd have two between us. That tall handsome
son of mine with that blond boy is an impossibility that never
should have happened.
“None of us gets the happiness we hoped for,” Fenn said.
“But if we are unguarded with out lives…” he shrugged. “I
think we can get the happiness we never could have imagined.”
Dena Reardon Affren came out into her living room that was
lit only by the blue of the television. Brendan was on the couch
in cargo pants and a tee shirt. When she yawned he yawned,
and they sat together on the sofa.
“Couldn’t sleep?” she said.
“Didn’t want to.”
“I thought you’d stay with Kenny tonight.”
“I thought that was jumping the gun. You can’t just switch
men like that. Let him sleep alone a few nights. Invite me when
he wants to.”
“How long do you think that’ll be?”
“You trying to throw me out?’
Dena hit him with a pillow.
“You know me better than that, Bren. If I wanted you out,
I’d say get the fuck out.”
“Yes,” Brendan reflected. “You would.
“Well, with me and Kenny being me and Kenny, I
suspect—”
Brendan stopped, making a strange face.
“Hold on! My ass is ringing.”
He got up, pulling his phone from his back pocket.
“Uh… it’s Kenny.”
“Answer it.”
He did. The conversation was short, full of “ums” and
“yeahs”. When it was over, Dena looked up at Brendan:
“And…”
Bren grinned. “Well, it seems like he’ll be ready tomorrow
night.”
“He’s got it bad for you, boy.”
Brendan sat back down with a mild smile and, after texting
him, said, “We’ve got it bad for each other. Now shush and
let’s watch the movie.”
“What is it?”
“It’s one Paul did on IFC.”
“Well,” Dena said. She folded her legs under her on the
sofa.
After a while she said, “You and me and a Paul Anderson
movie. That’s how all this shit started.”
“Is it?” Brendan said, “I don’t recall.”
“I do,” Dena said. “I recall everything.”
On the screen Paul was saying:
“It doesn’t really matter what I say, or what I do. I can’t prove
anything to you. Look, this is who I am, and this is who I’m going to be.
I can’t stop it!”
“We need some popcorn,” Dena said, getting up.
“Agreed,” Brendan told her.
“With extra butter?”
“Or not at all.”
“Right,” Dena said, rising. “I’ll be right back.”
“I love you, Dena,” Brendan said. “Sometimes I forget how
much. I’m so glad we broke up, and I came out. I love you
more than I ever did.”
“Oh, Brendan Miller,” Dena said, heading to the kitchen, “I
really like you too.”
Brendan chuckled because he knew that was all he was
going to get, and from Dena Affren, that was more than
enough.