Okay, a little about me. I am 27 years old and I live in Texas. I joined the Army out of high school and was in ROTC during my undergrad- then commissioned. I went to medical school and so as not to give away too many details, I will just say I am in the early years of a surgical residency. Because of my educational commitments, I have never been deployed, but there is the possibility that I will be in the very near future.
A lot of people won't understand this and that is okay because there is so much that even I don't understand about myself and my circumstances. I had a really normal and pretty good childhood. I did well in school, was a good athlete, etc. I fell in love with a wonderful, sexy girl when I was 20 and we had beautiful twin boys who died within days of being born. Eventually our relationship died too. It is one of the regrets that will follow me to the grave.
I have never been one to emotionally invest in a great number of people. I tend to invest very deeply in only a few, and these losses, in retrospect, made me retreat from the world in many ways. I became a fantastic student and a pretty damn good physician because I threw myself into my education and my career. Then three years ago I fell in love with another guy.
It was not something I saw coming until it was already too late. I met him during undergrad and we were fast friends. Before it became apparent that we had imperceptibly crossed that line between loving and being in love, I already knew he was the best friend I'd ever had. I met him in ROTC back during undergrad. Maybe there's not much point in talking about how it happened. I'm not really sure exactly how it did to be totally honest. I can just say that the realization of what we had become to each other was earth-shattering for both of us. I had never been attracted to the same sex and at first it wasn't really a sexual attraction. It was very much an emotional one. I've always been one to date my friends and I have never been a very visual person to begin with, but that doesn't really matter now because I look at him and think he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
I have already wrestled with the questions of what this means for my life and what it says about me. It is so difficult to suddenly realize that one of the things you have always taken for granted about yourself is suddenly not true. Some people will say I have been in perpetual denial. Obviously I have considered that. I still don't know what label to apply to myself really and I have just had to come to the point of being okay with that. It's not about a label. It's about another person.
I am a Christian. I am an educated man but I really believe. I am in the Army and Chase is also in the military. What we have done is a crime. There is so much that has been totally upended by it but even with all the questions, one of the few things I am sure of is that I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with him. It has taken a long time to get to this point. If it had just been for my part, I probably wouldn't still have him, but to his credit, he has loved my relentlessly, in spite of myself. Being with him makes me want to be better- I am not sure exactly what else to say.
Living this way has taken its toll. The people closest to us know now but for a long time we only had each other. It has made our relationship very strong and resilient. Lately we have both been feeling there is a decision to make. It's not about whether we want to be together. It's more about whether we are going to both admit our relationship and be separated from the service.
Chase is going to be deployed soon. I could be deployed. We aren't under any illusions about what this means. But the scariest part for me is that idea that something could happen to him and nobody would know what we were to each other. I would be viewed as nothing more than a friend. I am scared to death about anything happening to him but we both signed up for this. I am more scared about just being another face in the crowd. It isn't right or fair, but that doesn't change it.
I am sad for him because this is all he has ever wanted to do. I have always wanted to be a doctor, and even though I would be up to my eyeballs in debt if I were discharged, nobody can take away the fact that I am a physician. I am overwhelmed that he would give it all up for me but I really want better than that for him. We have talked about what would happen if the UCMJ was changed, and it would still be difficult, but we can't stake our future on that happening. And once we reveal it, there is no going back. It would really suck if we did and things changed two months later because this is a permanent decision.
Perhaps part of the problem is that we don't feel like we belong anywhere. We don't identify with the gay community really. Maybe this is a product of unfortunate stereotypes because neither of us know many people in homosexual relationships, but when it comes down to it, we are both pretty military, especially Chase. We definitely aren't simple-minded grunts but we're both officers and we fit in well. We definitely wouldn't fit in well if people knew we are together. Most of our friends would probably disappear. Hell, even some of my own family has disowned me, and very few of them know to begin with. It's a shame because we're still the same people. We both wish we knew other bisexual or gay officers, just so we would know we're not totally alone and that other people are struggling with the same issues.
Wow, a few years ago, you couldn't possibly have convinced me I would be saying or thinking any of this. I mean, I would have admitted before we were together that Chase is a good looking guy. In reality, he is uncommonly attractive. It should be a crime for guys to have such perfect facial features. But that's the thing- when I look at him now, I think he is just perfect. It is a total mind fuck. Hahaha. I definitely don't see it, but he says the same things about me. I know I'm no Quasimodo, and I stay in really good shape, but just knowing that someone that attractive thinks I'm so attractive is, well, what can you say? I'm so in love with him that it hurts. For a long time even the idea of sex wasn't appealing, and it took months, but we wanted to be closer to each other. Now we make the most incredible love. It's what makes me know that the mind follows the heart. Now I think his fuzzy tummy- his treasure trail- is just the hottest thing in the world. Like I said, it's a mind fuck. But by far the best part is that he is still my best friend.
Anyway, if any of you have any advice, particularly if you are in the military or are close to someone in the military, it would be most welcome.
A lot of people won't understand this and that is okay because there is so much that even I don't understand about myself and my circumstances. I had a really normal and pretty good childhood. I did well in school, was a good athlete, etc. I fell in love with a wonderful, sexy girl when I was 20 and we had beautiful twin boys who died within days of being born. Eventually our relationship died too. It is one of the regrets that will follow me to the grave.
I have never been one to emotionally invest in a great number of people. I tend to invest very deeply in only a few, and these losses, in retrospect, made me retreat from the world in many ways. I became a fantastic student and a pretty damn good physician because I threw myself into my education and my career. Then three years ago I fell in love with another guy.
It was not something I saw coming until it was already too late. I met him during undergrad and we were fast friends. Before it became apparent that we had imperceptibly crossed that line between loving and being in love, I already knew he was the best friend I'd ever had. I met him in ROTC back during undergrad. Maybe there's not much point in talking about how it happened. I'm not really sure exactly how it did to be totally honest. I can just say that the realization of what we had become to each other was earth-shattering for both of us. I had never been attracted to the same sex and at first it wasn't really a sexual attraction. It was very much an emotional one. I've always been one to date my friends and I have never been a very visual person to begin with, but that doesn't really matter now because I look at him and think he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
I have already wrestled with the questions of what this means for my life and what it says about me. It is so difficult to suddenly realize that one of the things you have always taken for granted about yourself is suddenly not true. Some people will say I have been in perpetual denial. Obviously I have considered that. I still don't know what label to apply to myself really and I have just had to come to the point of being okay with that. It's not about a label. It's about another person.
I am a Christian. I am an educated man but I really believe. I am in the Army and Chase is also in the military. What we have done is a crime. There is so much that has been totally upended by it but even with all the questions, one of the few things I am sure of is that I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with him. It has taken a long time to get to this point. If it had just been for my part, I probably wouldn't still have him, but to his credit, he has loved my relentlessly, in spite of myself. Being with him makes me want to be better- I am not sure exactly what else to say.
Living this way has taken its toll. The people closest to us know now but for a long time we only had each other. It has made our relationship very strong and resilient. Lately we have both been feeling there is a decision to make. It's not about whether we want to be together. It's more about whether we are going to both admit our relationship and be separated from the service.
Chase is going to be deployed soon. I could be deployed. We aren't under any illusions about what this means. But the scariest part for me is that idea that something could happen to him and nobody would know what we were to each other. I would be viewed as nothing more than a friend. I am scared to death about anything happening to him but we both signed up for this. I am more scared about just being another face in the crowd. It isn't right or fair, but that doesn't change it.
I am sad for him because this is all he has ever wanted to do. I have always wanted to be a doctor, and even though I would be up to my eyeballs in debt if I were discharged, nobody can take away the fact that I am a physician. I am overwhelmed that he would give it all up for me but I really want better than that for him. We have talked about what would happen if the UCMJ was changed, and it would still be difficult, but we can't stake our future on that happening. And once we reveal it, there is no going back. It would really suck if we did and things changed two months later because this is a permanent decision.
Perhaps part of the problem is that we don't feel like we belong anywhere. We don't identify with the gay community really. Maybe this is a product of unfortunate stereotypes because neither of us know many people in homosexual relationships, but when it comes down to it, we are both pretty military, especially Chase. We definitely aren't simple-minded grunts but we're both officers and we fit in well. We definitely wouldn't fit in well if people knew we are together. Most of our friends would probably disappear. Hell, even some of my own family has disowned me, and very few of them know to begin with. It's a shame because we're still the same people. We both wish we knew other bisexual or gay officers, just so we would know we're not totally alone and that other people are struggling with the same issues.
Wow, a few years ago, you couldn't possibly have convinced me I would be saying or thinking any of this. I mean, I would have admitted before we were together that Chase is a good looking guy. In reality, he is uncommonly attractive. It should be a crime for guys to have such perfect facial features. But that's the thing- when I look at him now, I think he is just perfect. It is a total mind fuck. Hahaha. I definitely don't see it, but he says the same things about me. I know I'm no Quasimodo, and I stay in really good shape, but just knowing that someone that attractive thinks I'm so attractive is, well, what can you say? I'm so in love with him that it hurts. For a long time even the idea of sex wasn't appealing, and it took months, but we wanted to be closer to each other. Now we make the most incredible love. It's what makes me know that the mind follows the heart. Now I think his fuzzy tummy- his treasure trail- is just the hottest thing in the world. Like I said, it's a mind fuck. But by far the best part is that he is still my best friend.
Anyway, if any of you have any advice, particularly if you are in the military or are close to someone in the military, it would be most welcome.
