The mystery behind attraction

[redips]

I just read this article, and I have to say I was very enlightened, and I'm curious to see what you guys think.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...d-romantic-attraction-people-who-are-good-you

The gist of the article is that, if we rank sexual attraction to a potential mate on a scale of 1 (not attractive) to 10 (very attractive), that dating guys in the mid-range of the scale might give the best chance of a loving, long-term relationship.

I'm enlightened because I have dated guys in the 9-10 range, and I've always felt stressed, jealous, uncomfortable, perhaps inadequate--those exact things that the piece mentioned. I'd check my texts every 2 seconds, always question if I'm doing wrong, etc.

The article argues that if you date a guy who's in the mid-range, dating might be more comfortable, and there's a chance that your attraction would grow and blossom.

I've not dated enough guys to know if this is true, because I've often shut the door on guys who're in the mid-range. I guess I'm just not very patient. I've always been the jump-in-bed-right-away-then-get-to-know-each-other kinda guy.

So what do you guys think? And for those who have found loving, long-term relationships, how would you rate your INITIAL attraction to your partner on that scale?

 

[TX-Beau]

If I'm not sexually attracted to a guy I'm not going to commit.

 

[Seasoned]

My husband was and still is a ten.

The problem may not be that your boyfriends have been 9s or 10s, but, rather, that you don't regard yourself as adequate. You may need more confidence. One way to get it is realizing these hot guys have fallen for you.

 

[maxpowr9]

The amusing thing is that I have gone on dates with a few guys in the mid-range that didn't work out so well romantically but we became good friends after that. That is something the article skirts completely. However, if you are jumping into bed with every guy you find hot, you are gonna get a lot of doors slammed in your face which is something you'd better get used to then.

 

[redips]

Well, I should also mention that I'd been in only 3 real long-term relationships, and dated a half-dozen guys, so my sample size is quite limited.

Now I understand that being with someone who's in the 8-10 range is probably very important, perhaps even necessary, for a healthy relationship. But I guess what I really wanted to know is, can attraction really grow, such that a 5-7 can eventually become an 8-10, and has anyone experienced that?

To answer my own question, I know in general, attraction can grow, because I've experienced that with many guys I know. Now, most of these guys are straight, and are just friends, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., so I don't think of them in a sexual manner, and the attraction I refer to is just whether or not I find them to be, in general, attractive. And I've realized that most of the guys who I find most attractive today, were not attractive to me when I first met them; I wouldn't have given them a second look at first (so they might have been a 5-6), but today, I would rate them a total 9-10. And I'm curious to know, does this carry over to romantic relationships too?

And then, if both parties find each other to be a 10 on their very first date, how can they resist not jumping in bed right then, and what would be the harm in doing so?

Sorry about all these silly questions. The little data that I have is so contradictory, and I'm just so confused right now.

 

[QueenxElsa]

Its like a Scientific reason to know how to date.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, I should also mention that I'd been in only 3 real long-term relationships, and dated a half-dozen guys, so my sample size is quite limited.

Now I understand that being with someone who's in the 8-10 range is probably very important, perhaps even necessary, for a healthy relationship. But I guess what I really wanted to know is, can attraction really grow, such that a 5-7 can eventually become an 8-10, and has anyone experienced that?

To answer my own question, I know in general, attraction can grow, because I've experienced that with many guys I know. Now, most of these guys are straight, and are just friends, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., so I don't think of them in a sexual manner, and the attraction I refer to is just whether or not I find them to be, in general, attractive. And I've realized that most of the guys who I find most attractive today, were not attractive to me when I first met them; I wouldn't have given them a second look at first (so they might have been a 5-6), but today, I would rate them a total 9-10. And I'm curious to know, does this carry over to romantic relationships too?

And then, if both parties find each other to be a 10 on their very first date, how can they resist not jumping in bed right then, and what would be the harm in doing so?

Sorry about all these silly questions. The little data that I have is so contradictory, and I'm just so confused right now.

(emphasis mine)


I grew up in the south, was a closeted 'phobe for awhile, had a lot of race issues as well running around in my head, why do I bring this up, because the kind of guy I'd have considered dating (not that I would have considered dating a guy back then) at 17 is pretty much the kind of guy I'd run screaming away from now.

Some of that is growing up, for example I was terrified at 21 of being 30 because I'd never have been interested in a 30 yr old, so it was a huge relief when I hit 30 that I realized I really was no longer interested in 21 yr olds.

Some of the changes in attraction progressed as I got more accepting of myself - we all know this one. I wouldn't have even been friends with effeminate guys as a teenager, let alone consider dating one, but as I got rid of the fear and 'phobia in my own head, that ceased to be even a consideration.

When I was young, if you were vocally gay, no dice, now, you kind of have to be even to get on the list. The point is that I do personally know that attractions can evolve. Now it's an open question whether I was ALWAYS PHYSICALLY attracted to the same kinds of guys, and was just repressing that in some cases for other reasons, but I don't think that's so.

Physical attraction has to be there, if it isn't, like someone else pointed out, that's called friendship, but it isn't the only factor in attraction, and certainly not for who we consider for a mate.

If I'm just looking for a fuck, sure go for the hottest, but it's also been my experience that there are certain undeniably hot guys who do nothing for me sexually. So I don't even think you can isolate out just that even for casual attraction.

Probably there are several factors including beauty that have to come together for any kind of attraction, and probably more factors have to be satisfied to get to love and commitment - just my opinion.

 

[maxpowr9]

About the whole "blossoming" thing from a 5-7 into a 8-10, I like to call it [well, my psych friend does actually] the 3-month checkup. After 3 months, you have a good emotional and personal understanding of the person and be able to determine if you want to continue the relationship or not. She says that the biggest problem couples face at that point is if the relationship is in fact one-sided: meaning one person is initiating all the conversations and dates or the affection is in one direction. That's a recipe for certain disaster and the relationship should be abandoned.

It should be important to add that this arbitrary scale of "hotness" is YOUR scale and nobody's else. There are some guys that people may call a '10' and I may find them attractive but they do nothing for me sexually.

 

[dereperez]

That's an interesting article, however I would caution about grouping people with labels and numbers. Seems like the perspective is from someone who isn't fully confident and secure with him/herself, and finds 9s and 10s "unattainable."

 

[redips]

Some of that is growing up, for example I was terrified at 21 of being 30 because I'd never have been interested in a 30 yr old, so it was a huge relief when I hit 30 that I realized I really was no longer interested in 21 yr olds.

This might be a bit OT, but this totally struck home with me. When I was in my 20s, I was literally PETRIFIED of turning 30, totally afraid of getting old. BUT I HAD NO IDEA. I'm in my early 30s now, and I'm having the time of my life. I really, honestly feel WAY more attractive than I ever was. Yes, my body has definitely improved from going to the gym, but it's more than that--I just feel much more confident. I feel like I am more successful, I have a better sense of humor, and I'm more experienced in life. And now when I look at guys in their early 20s, I might think they're cute, but I wouldn't really date them.

So while we're on the topic of attraction... has anyone else felt that way? I recently read about whether or not women find men to be more attractive as they get older, and I was surprised that most of them said yes (to a point). I remember that most thought that guys in their 30s to early 40s were in their "prime," and how they thought (today's) Brad Pitt, Richard Gere, Pierce Brosnan, George Clooney (to name a few) were so sexy.

So what's the verdict from the gay guys?

I felt like when I was in my 20s, I thought that other guys in their 20s were hottest. Now that I'm in my 30s, I think guys in their 30s are hottest. Should I expect that this would carry over to my 40s?

 

[Ambition92]

I can definitely see the point the article is trying to make. And like TX-Beau has said, I think it somewhat has to do with growing up. A few years ago my standards for physical attraction were through the roof. I liked jocks, preppy twinks, that sort of thing. I still get off on that look, but now I see past simply the look of a person. Personality plays a huge role now for me when meeting/talking with guys in particular. So in my opinion I do believe a guy who by traditional standards is a 5-7 can become an 8-10 over time based off of their personalities. Of course, I'm only one person and I tend to find intellect and charisma sexy so maybe my perception is skewed.

 

[cluelessdate]

When I saw my boyfriend's pics on OKCupid, I thought he was a 7.

After the first date when we talked and got to know each other more, he became an 8. A few months later, he somehow gradually became a 10 - somehow the understanding about him and his secrets make him extremely attractive to me. We've been together for 9 months so I guess that counts for something.

TO answer your question, yes, attraction can grow over time. I think the important thing to keep in mind is that you don't just date a person for their body/look - attraction comes from the personality side as well.

 

[eastofeden]

So what do you guys think? And for those who have found loving, long-term relationships, how would you rate your INITIAL attraction to your partner on that scale?

I hesitate to use the number system so I will bypass that part of it....

Initial attraction for me is definitely a must but it is based on so many factors..... the chemistry for me must be there immediately. I would be embarrassed to even think in terms of numbers....I was 100% attracted to my man when he was 21...and as he is approaching 50 now I am even more attracted to him.

My advice would be to ditch the numbers system I don't know what kind of relationship you are seeking because people need different things from relationships...but if it is love you seek...numbers will be a disservice to you both...whether he is a 10...a 5...or a 1

 

[hanzosword]

That's an interesting article but I disagree with the part about how we look for the same traits in people who hurt us as children to try to make up for it. I find the opposite of that appealing. I like traits in people who seem like they likely won't hurt me like people did when I was a boy.

I do believe that attraction can grow or diminish with people as you get to know them better.