The Next Step

[lostnfound]

Two months from now, it will be about a year since I finally made the bold step and come out to my best friend (female).

Unfortunately, that's where it stopped. Sometimes I feel like it was another year wasted by hiding in the closet, but at the same time, I've been very focused on my studies and work, and I honestly never thought my sex life was important in that regard.

Now, I've been experiencing thoughts about having a loving boyfriend. I'm slightly depressed right now because I am 23 and I have yet to know the feeling of love, or to be loved. I see everybody around me (gay and straight) and they are in relationships, and I wish I could experience romance and love. I realize that the main thing holding me back from finding love is the fact that I'm not fully out yet. Now, I'm trying to figure out the next step having already come out the first time to my best friend. She has been studying abroad for the past year and will be back soon. I'm hoping that her return will allow me to be more comfortable and more outgoing.

Truth is, I have very little friends--especially friends that I can trust. I also live in a very conservative area of the nation, so the fear of rejection is always there.

I realize this might seem so stupid, but where do I go from here? How do I come out to more people? The first time, I chose an important person in my life to come out to, so naturally, I'm wanting to come out the subsequently to people that are meaningful to me (other than my parents and family), but is it a problem if I'm searching for the right person to come out to the second time? Or should I just come out to any good friend, regardless if they are the "perfect" second person?

Also, I want to come out but I'm scared about being put in a stereotypical box and I'm also afraid that people who already know me will change their perceptions of me.

Sorry, for the sob-fest. I'm just being really emo right now. . .

To life and love.

 

[lostnfound]

Bump Bump Bump

 

[G-Lexington]

Have you done a Google search and looked for gay groups in your area? They obviously won't "judge" you, seeing as how they're all gay themselves. I've found that by hanging out with more gay people, you can develop more confidence in yourself and who you are, and worry less about whether people will "treat you different".

Lex

 

[exceeder]

Lex advice seems ideal.

And remember, don't be too hyped up over being in a relationship! I've never been in one ether, and as far as I can tell it will happen when its meant to happen! Don't rush or force things ;-)

 

[lostnfound]

Thanks guys.

I'm nervous that I'll be tagged "the gay guy". I just don't know how that will affect the dynamics of my relationship with my surroundings.

Exceeder, you're right that it'll happen when it happens. However, not being out is actively hindering that process. I don't think I can find love in the closet.

 

[G-Lexington]

You ARE the gay guy.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Make more friends, straight and gay.

Be fun. Entertain, Be a good listener. Let everyone know you're looking but not sad desperate.

Empty out your closet.

 

[ucfknight12]

You should either do what Lex suggested or try using an online dating thing to meet some people, just say you are looking for friends only and go from there... Don't force yourself to come out if you're not ready.... the best thing to do is to find some other gay guys and make friends so you can have a support system

 

[lostnfound]

You should either do what Lex suggested or try using an online dating thing to meet some people, just say you are looking for friends only and go from there... Don't force yourself to come out if you're not ready.... the best thing to do is to find some other gay guys and make friends so you can have a support system

Good advice, although I'm already a member on MH--not exactly the best place to find friends and more... sigh

 

[ucfknight12]

Try okcupid.com, I have found a few really cool people on there, one of them is turning into someone I can trust the most

 

[josher]

Ask your friend to go to a gay bar/club with you, when she returns. You could have a good time and perhaps meet gay guys is a non-threatening way, since she's with you.

 

[lostnfound]

Ask your friend to go to a gay bar/club with you, when she returns. You could have a good time and perhaps meet gay guys is a non-threatening way, since she's with you.

Yeah, we just talked about it online yesterday. She's more than happy to go with me--in fact she's looking up places to go.

I'm a little nervous as I have no clue what the gay scene is like. I don't want the place to be overwhelming and intimidating.

 

[josher]

^^That's why you go with a girl. No one will think she's your date, so they'll feel free to talk to you. But if someone comes on too strong, you can just ask her to dance, or give her a signal that will encourage her to suggest you both move on.

Also, if you're interested in someone, she can chat him up and then introduce him to you.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I'm a little nervous as I have no clue what the gay scene is like. I don't want the place to be overwhelming and intimidating.

I have yet to find a gay club overwhelming. Well, the music's usually too damn loud, but other than that, they tend to be pretty low-key.

Lex

 

[lostnfound]

I'm already a little nervous just thinking about this.

Anyways, I'm hoping a few drinks will loosen me up

By the way, I've decided to come out to a second person soon. We went to college together, but didn't know each other that well. Recently, she's moved to my city for a job, and we've been hanging out. She's very very open-minded about this stuff. Even though, I don't know her that well, I can sense that she's the type of person I can trust.

 

[lostnfound]

UPDATE on the post above:

I talked to my friend (the only one I've come out to) and told her that I'm thinking about coming out to a second person (as described above). Anyways, my friend said that I shouldn't feel obligated to come out to everyone--that I don't have to proclaim my sexuality whenever I meet someone. Mind you, she's very very liberal and open-minded about these things. She just feels that I should live my life however I want to and when someone asks or mentions about sexuality, then I can say, "I'm gay."

I'm really confused--when should you tell? When should you not tell? In regards to potentially coming out to a second person, I agree that I don't feel like I need to tell her, but for some reason I feel like I should.

Thoughts?

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, I'm out to my friends not because of some sort of moral duty, or to advance the gay cause. I'm out to them because we're friends, y'know? And we talk about stuff. Like the fact that I have a boyfriend, or (back in the day) wanted to find a boyfriend and found it difficult. I mean, that's the sort of stuff you talk about with your friends, right? You've heard them complaining about not getting dates, or dates gone wrong...or heard them get all moony when a date goes great. Presumably you're not discussing this aspect of your life with any of your friends (except perhaps this one). Wouldn't it make things simpler if you could?

Lex

 

[soiram]

I agree with Lex! Of course you should live your life the way you want, and of course you are not obliged to wear an "I'm Gay" neon sign. But it is also true that this is a part of who you are and it feels good to be able to share 100% of yourself with your closest friends. It is just liberating to be able to see a hot guy on the street and turn to your friend and say "Wow, check him out!".

Concerning relationships, I'm 25 and I've never been in a relationship. I'm out to my close friends and open about the way I see things. It does get frustrating, seeing people finding their "other halves" and you being alone, but I can only trust everyone else saying that everything comes in its own time and one shouldn't rush these things! I think meeting new people is the key factor! Find a gay club/group and join that, join an activity group, be active and you are bound to meet some interesting people. And in the end, boyfriends come and go, good friends are far more invaluable!

 

[lostnfound]

Thanks guys for those responses.

Honestly, I do not have many close friends. I only consider one friend to be my best friend and we've been friends since middle-school, thus, I decided to come out to her.

I just don't know what to do about "regular" friends--you know, the friends that aren't really close, but aren't really distant? I just kind of "know" people. Again, I want to come out to this girl I know, but we don't really know each other that well. We're more like good acquaintances, but could turn into a good friendship later on with time.

My hope is that by coming out to people, I will get to make some gay friends. That's all I want right now.