The Perfect (Coming Out) Storm?

[Thru-and-Thru]

Hi all.

First off, I want to say what a great year it has been. Since last winter I have come out to most of my friends, even some I swore I'd never tell, and their reactions have been 100% positive and supportive. I feel more myself nowadays, confident, outgoing - more alive.

What an even better month it has been. At 21, I am now in the first committed relationship of my life. He's incredible, and we have genuine affection for each other, something that I have never, ever felt. He's met all my friends, we've gone out together, they love him, and he loves them. Things could not be going better.

Enter the complication.

My best friend of many years came home last weekend after spending a year away in Europe. When he left to go travel this time last year I was in no position where I felt ready to come out to him or many others in my life. But of course, over the last year while he was away things have changed - a lot. I realize and accept that now that he is home it's my duty as a friend to fill him in on this part of my life. I know what I have to do, I just haven't been sure of when and how to do it.

Now, right now he's at his parents' place in another city an hour away. They picked him up from the airport last weekend and took him home, so I haven't seen him yet. But, this Friday he's planning to drive here to see me and the rest of our friends, go out and party, and probably crash at my place. There's a pubcrawl organized for our friend's birthday that he seems pretty excited to attend. My boyfriend is excited to attend this pubcrawl with me also.

So, it's looking like this Friday I will not only have to come out to my best friend, but introduce him to my first boyfriend (of just 3 weeks... good timing, hey?). I'm really not sure how I'm going to do this.

My boyfriend works until 9 pm on Friday evening, so he won't be joining us until a bit later. I suspect my friend will arrive in town early evening, so that gives me a window of a couple hours to come out to him, and let things sink in. Then, within a few hours of finding out I'm gay, he could be meeting my boyfriend. I feel bad already and really anxious about dropping this news on him like this. It might be a little overwhelming for him.

Do you guys have any advice?

Should I call up my friend beforehand and come out to him that way? My gut tells me coming out in person would be best, but I won't see him until Friday.

I can't ask my boyfriend to just not come out with us that night, he seems really excited to party with my friends again. And I can't stop my friend from coming, it's all his friends on the pubcrawl too. Not that I would want to do that anyway, I'm excited to see him, and I really want our friendship to pick up where it left off.

Any suggestions? It would be much appreciated!

Thanks guys!

 

[Kyanimal]

First, and foremost, your BF should be the "center" of your life. DO NOT Exclude him in any way!

However, I do understand your trepidation about your Friend!

A few hours time is not a big window! And, he's walking back into a scene that he's been apart from, for quite awhile. Though all has been going "good" for you, while he's been away, HE is walking into something that could totally "rock his boat"!

Still ... all things considered, if he is still the friend that you know him to be, it is your "duty" to let him know just how "things" stand, Now!

You do need to tell Him. Otherwise would be a disservice to your friendship. How he may react to that is entirely up to him! And, you should respect that!

If he is the person that you expect he is, and have known for so long a time, and given all of your other friends reactions, you should be very confident in what you need to reveal. Take a deep breath! Relax! And let your cards fall as they may! I think it sounds as though all is going to be O.K.!!

Of course ... no matter what ... and this is important ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Scottyboi]

I'd tell the bf before hand that when you introduce the boyfriend you will introduce him by his name not "___ my bf". Also fill the bf in on what I'm about to say next when you do this so he doesn't get upset.

After he's been introduced to everyone and everything is taking off find a moment of quiet together to come out to him and explain that "____ is my boyfriend" and then maybe formally introduce them.

I'm not saying refer to your boyfriend as "just a friend" when they just meet but just give him a name.

Mind, I havent been in this situation before and its debatable after all this time if your going to be able to drag this friend away form your other friends for the moment to come out to him but this is the best situation I could come up with if I was in your shoes.

 

[Thru-and-Thru]

Kyanimal -

I always enjoy your spirited and caring responses, so thank you!

It's definitely my intention to keep my BF the centre of things. Even though we have not been together long I feel a wonderful connection with him, and I want that to grow and grow. I'm going to do everything I can to treat him right, of this I have no doubt.

Your words are re-assuring. I am confident that in the end my friend will be accepting of me. But knowing him, I do expect him to react initially with a certain amount of shock and emotion. So coming out to him in this way might be a lot for him to take in.

I think a few beers between old friends to start things off might help both of us come Friday.


Scottyboi -

Thanks for your response Scottyboi. I have already explained to my boyfriend about this friend . I've told him that I plan to come out to him as soon as I can, and he's been completely understanding so far. Fortunately he is at a very similar stage in his own coming out right now and is also in his first relationship too. We're on the same page on a lot of things, so that helps. However, I don't think he's quite aware of the "pinch" I feel myself in about Friday night.

When the introductions do get made I just plan to introduce my BF to my friend as "My friend ___________." But I'm sure he will put two and two together once I've come out to him and realize he's more than just a friend. He's bound to pick it up from the way my BF and I act around each other, or the way my other friends interact with us.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, the timing on this is a bit complicated.

This night of revelry is your friend's night. He should be the focus. There's no real rush to get into the discussion about you and your new boyfriend.

You should tell your friend but it's something that you should do at another time when the two of you have time to talk about it. Better to use the pub crawl night to welcome your friend back from his trip, catch up with friends and party hearty.

 

[Seasoned]

It saddens me that being gay is considered a defect. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand and my own coming out was anxiety ridden. In the intervening years I've grown more than a little resentful over the stigma for which there should be none.

Let's just say your friend spent a year in Europe and came home married. Would he be in the same turmoil, or would he just bring her to the party and say, "this is my wife, _____. I met her in ______, and we got married on ______?"

Anyway, that was just a bit of a rant. I'm hoping you can have him arrive a bit early and spend some time alone to tell him you came out while he was gone and you waited for him to get home to tell him in person. Meanwhile things moved quickly and three weeks ago you met a remarkable guy and that you now have a boyfriend.

I hope you'll let us know how it went. Wishing you the best outcome. Good luck.

 

[HunterM]

(1) Meet him early. (2) Start drinking early. (3) Then tell him...to get it out of your system. Tell him this is what you want out of your life. Tell him to be happy for you.

Hopefully, the alcohol would have calmed nerves by now. Once it's out of the way, YOU and your boyfriend would be able to enjoy the rest of the evening without the anxiety of keeping a secret from him. People respond to what you project. If you project joy and happiness, in general, most people will respond back in kindness.

If you don't tell him first, someone in your pubcrawling circle would eventually blurt it out in a state of drunkeness. Would you want him to find out that way?

 

[scooter63]

First I want to say congratulations on your coming out and on you finding a very happy man to be in a relationship with. You conquered two very formidable climbs and seemed to do it almost at the same time.

I hope that things continue to go well for you and that your relationship continues to grow and the love between you never goes out.

Now to your question, after reading your post and all of the others, the advice from soreknees stuck me as I read it as the most important piece of advice given. I really feel that this is the way to go.

I'm hoping you can have him arrive a bit early and spend some time alone to tell him you came out while he was gone and you waited for him to get home to tell him in person. Meanwhile things moved quickly and three weeks ago you met a remarkable guy and that you now have a boyfriend.

QUOTE]

I would invite your friend of many years over to your house early, before you start all of the party festivities and sit down the two of you and have that heart to heart talk. You owe him that much as you have done with all of your other friends.

At the party, you can introduce your boyfriend to him and then continue on with the party.

Your friend will realize soon into the party festivities that the rest of your friends already know, have accepted you and the fact of you being gay, that you have a boyfriend, and that they don't really give a rats ass about it. That is, if he seems to be having a bit of a problem handling it.

Granted it will be a lot for him to grasp in a short time and after being gone for a year and being out of the loop but, if the friendship is there then this will be no problem.

And one other point, I am really leaning more toward the point of view that many of our friends and acquaintances already have a strong suspicion about us or already know inside that we are gay. They are still around us and still are our friends. Accept them and ourselves.

Best of luck with your next coming out and also with the party. Friends having fun together and enjoying life doesn't get any better than that.

Keep us informed as to how everything went that night.

 

[Scottyboi]

If you don't tell him first, someone in your pubcrawling circle would eventually blurt it out in a state of drunkeness. Would you want him to find out that way?

this is why I wouldn't suggest what soreknees said (though I did exactly that when my cousin came home from the military, but I could also count on my family not talking about it)

my friends like to bring up my sexuality and tease me a little (all of it in good humor)
But if we're drinking I can guarantee they will bring it up. Then again your friends might be different.

Though I like Scooters idea of meeting with him extra early if at all possible, that way you dont have to try and take him aside later

 

[Thru-and-Thru]

Thank you everyone for your responses so far! Everyone has made great points and your advice has resonated with me.

The plan in my head at this point is to have my friend over as early as possible before the evening begins and come out to him in that one-on-one kind of setting. Going by his reaction, hopefully I can judge how, when, and to what extent I reveal details about my boyfriend to him. Above all, I want this to be a joyful and fun reunion between old friends. But I also want it to be an enjoyable and comfortable night for my boyfriend and my other friends.

What is encouraging is that my other friends will be around on Friday as well. Hopefully my friend can take cues from them when he sees that my sexuality, and my boyfriend, is a non-issue for them. As a previous poster put it, they indeed do not give a "rat's ass" about the whole thing.

I wouldn't be surprised if my friend already suspects that I'm gay. I'm not a dead giveaway, but I think he's smart enough to be able to put it all together if he sat down and thought it over. Either that or he just thinks I'm utterly hopeless with women.

The way this will all play out comes down to timing and time, which I don't have a lot of. Wow, this is a lot to throw at him in one night.

Should I approach other friends for their thoughts, assistance, or support on the matter? I'm also going to discuss this some more with my boyfriend when I see him tonight.

If only I could buy myself some more time so this doesn't have to play out so chaotically.

Thanks everyone for your support. I will keep you posted.

 

[Kyanimal]

Should I approach other friends for their thoughts, assistance, or support on the matter? I'm also going to discuss this some more with my boyfriend when I see him tonight.

Absolutely! Just as you've reached out here, the more input you can get the better!

And, the more people that are aware of all that's going on, the better the outcome will likely be for your friend! After all, this is also about a great Home Coming for him, too! The more support you can get, for ALL of you, will likely be an awesome thing!

Here's wishing Everyone a Fantastic weekend!!

And, yeah! ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Thru-and-Thru]

Hey everyone,

An update is in order for all of you.

Just prior to last Friday's festivities my boyfriend was over and we started talking about my best friend being home and how Friday might play out. That's when he suggested (more like insisted) that he sit Friday out to give me space to be with my friend and welcome him home properly. I was very appreciative of the offer, and he was more than understanding and easy going about it. I'm lucky to have him! So, he ended up making alternate plans on Friday, and I later had the chance Saturday to have a great night out with him and his friends.

So Friday came, and my friend and I were re-united. We started the evening off at our favourite pub, and we were into our second pint when I steered the conversation towards how things had changed over the past year, and I told him I was gay.

He smiled, and said: "I know."

Apparently he has known since last February, when another friend of mine met up with him in Europe for some travelling. They were out on the town one night and got pretty drunk, and my friend ended up letting it slip. He said the news came as a complete surprise at the time but "within 10 minutes" he was completely okay with it. I had to laugh about it actually, here I was worrying this past year about telling him, and he'd already known for most of that time and was wondering when I would tell him.

Later that evening I quizzed my friend who had told him that I was gay. She had absolutely no recollection of it (I guess she was just that drunk). She felt so terrible about it though, but I re-assured her it was perfectly okay. I was actually more than relieved he'd known for so long and had these past months to let it process and sink in.

So we went on with the night and had a great time. It truly felt like old times between two old friends. We're that pair of friends that everyone notices when we're together. A perfect match. Another friend commented that night that it was like a "missing piece of the puzzle" had been returned to me now that my best friend was back by my side - like I was complete again.

So that's out of the way, and it couldn't have gone better. He hasn't met my boyfriend yet, but that day will come soon. And I am not worried about it in the least.

Thanks for all your support, guys. Cheers to a happy ending!

 

[Scottyboi]

aww thanks for sharing the good news

And yeah, it sounds like you have amazing friends and a great boyfriend ^_^

Congrats!

 

[stargate18]

just be yourself and happy in life

Albert